Day 7 Final Commitment- Road Trip Too (kinda)

5 days to do 7 days worth of work. 3 performances. One dress rehearsal. So many people to love and a year long commitment to wrap up. ACK!! Life is CRAZY right now. So lets get down to it.



October 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-10-sans-coffee-past.html Since Chris’ accident we have been blessed beyond measure to have the support team we have had. Most notably Lilli. She has held various members of our family through some crazy crazy times. We don’t exactly make easy standard choices as a family. It could have been so easy for her to judge our families ways, instead she got behind us, believed in us. She is like a member of our family, our OTHER Lilli.

October 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-12-sans-coffee-gaping.html I was halfway through this project and my edges were definitely fraying. I decided on October 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/new-commitment-not-named.html to do a commitment which is not named, which I don’t divulge to you all... and I admit I have forgotten what it was! Perhaps as I read I will remember.

October 9th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-2-committed-to-self-truthugh.html Oh my....I was having a really hard time. I was starting to worry about my weight loss. I admit that, like MANY womyn, I had ideas about my body having just a bit to much fat. I knew I was sexy, healthy, muscular and thin-ish but I was still no stranger to body image issues, I judged myself a lot. When I began loosing weight last summer I was actually quite thrilled. I liked being lighter, it made dancing more dynamic and I liked the way my clothes began to fit. I figured it was just the regular thing that happens every summer where I slim down. But by October I was beginning to realize I was dealing with something different all together.

October 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-4-committed-to-self-ohm-sweet-ohm.html I had a home again! We were about to do something that would bring much self judgement and beauty into my life. We were about to become an openly polyamorous family living together in community. This would have been tough at the the best of times...and these were not the best of times. I worked to stay optimistic though, my entries are obvious attempts to find the silver lining. Oh and while we are on the topic of my house, I want to say thank you to my mama. Life was SO crazy when she had finished renovating the house that there ended up being very little celebration of her hard work. I know mom how much you did, I am SO grateful, I just wasn’t very good at showing it. In fact I STILL haven’t made you the gift of appreciation I want to give you. Ah the free time I will have when I am done this project!

October 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-5-committed-to-self-i-so-thankful.html

I had forgotten I made this video. I loved watching it again. Maybe you will too. The thing is I want to add so many more photos, say thank you to so many more people...maybe I will make another video when this is all over.

October 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-8-committed-to-self-devotion.html I am nuts! LOL I can’t believe some of the stuff I posted! The hardest part about having posted this one was the fact that NO ONE COMMENTED for a L_O_N_G time...it felt like bringing a huge 7 foot rabbit into a room and no one saying, “Hey what is with the rabbit?”. My lovely sister K.D. commented on the blog when I told her how hard it was to submit the entry, she left this:

“Definition of Priestess for Today's Times.
Priestesses honor the cycles and seasons of nature, and of life. They learn from, and work, with the natural rhythms of the Earth, Sun, Moon, and stars. They observe and value the relationships between Earth and Sky, nature and humanity.

In families and communities, priestesses bring awareness to the way change affects life by creating time and space to honor life passages. They create and often officiate ceremonies that recognize the transitions of birth, puberty, a new job, the loss of a job, marriage, divorce, menopause, elderhood, and death.

Priestesses may counsel and support others in times of crises, transition, healing, and creation. They may assist through their prayers, meditation, deep listening, or simply being present and bringing awareness and attentive witnessing to a situation.

A priestess brings the sacred into form by connecting to Divine energy in her creative pursuits such as dance, art, writing, music, theatre, ceremonies, rituals, and celebrations.

Deeply connected to her spirituality from the inside out, a priestess may also be a member of any religion or have connection to none. She may connect to the Divine in nature just as well as in any home, church, synagogue, or temple.

A priestess makes a direct connection to the Divine from within and can apply it to every area of life.

Bernice, here, we finally have a job-description. Thank you for sharing your beauty, in all your vulnerable truth... truly we can only know God, when we can be this way... open-hearted.

Love KD”

It feels so good to be seen, mirrored by people in my life who I admire. Thanks sister.

October 17th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-10-committed-to-self-diwali.html I love me. I really do. My time in California was always so incredibly rich. The work I did at the Tamalpa Institute was so nourishing for my soul. So nourishing. It helped me find myself. This entry was written after an amazing school weekend where we went out and stayed at Sea Ranch, where we danced with the ocean. When I do this work I am so in my power, centred like a gyroscope, only staying balanced by never quite being there, it is the addition of movement which makes the whole thing possible. If I forget how much I trust and believe in myself, remind me ok. Lately I have had a harder time seeing this.

As I enter into a commitment to “Listen” October 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/latest-committment-listen-more.html ...something I STILL have to remind myself to work on each and every day, I read about mine and Michael's trip to Port Townsend Washington and Victoria, BC. This trip was both ecstatic and paralysing. The details are unimportant, or more honestly I would say I want to keep them for myself, not share. I will say though that it changed me forever, there was so much magic, so much truth. We started out road tripping, which is one of the things I love to do more than anything in the world. Michael and I had such a great drive to Port Townsend, WA. Then we danced with Vinn, this was Michael’s first time, I wanted to share Vinn Marti’s work with him. Vinn...what can I say about Vinn and his work? Soul Motion is a mystical movement ministry. His work is essential for the world... and this is why. October 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-6-listen-listening-to-mystic.html

From there we went to Victoria which was very challenging. Then we went home and I got sick...which rocks! Because it meant my entries were short ,so less reading for this weary commitment maker. This illness was where I really began to loose too much weight. November 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-2-sacred-space-runt.html

Tomorrow’s entry will start with the painting of our new studio. We were so excited to have a studio and we had a blast painting. It makes me smile to know tomorrows entry will start with a day where there was so much hope and promise.

“What is one of your fondest memories?” is the question in 12 days journal #353

Day 6 Final Commitment!- Road Trip 1

I feel fucking awesome. I am on the Salmo-Creston pass heading towards Alberta to get my new old car. I just did my full payers on a stone in the middle of a creek. This creek by any other world standard would likely be called a river. I could feel its vernal pull, its knowing that soon the sun would be melting the winter snow pack. This creek, now winter weary and parched, will soon explode into her full glorious self, coursing down the mountain side filled with the promise of fertility.

“Its full moon and spring baby!” says nobody.

“Balanced light” is the message which came during my prayers. I have 3 days to figure out what that means. That is how long this road trip will last.

I have a secret to tell you. I never quit. September 6th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-5-walkabout-quitting.html I still smoke very little, less than I did when I posted this entry, but I still smoke and I never told you otherwise, look at me being all secretive.. :oP

The summer is coming to an end as I read Septembers entries. It may have been the best summer of my life...actually it was, it was the BEST summer of my life. I could fill up a hundred entries with the stories of dance camp, festivals, camping. I am so happy that summer is coming again, and here I am on the first road trip of the year. Hooray!!..and... Why on earth did I decided a road trip is what I needed right now? I mean I actually do know, I needed to get out of Nelson, but working under these conditions is crazy challenging!

September 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-9-walkabout-screamer.html Well this post sums up the whole month pretty well, maybe even the whole year. It is such a crazy thing how I set out to document a year of my life and chose THIS year...what a wild year! Another way of saying exactly what this entry says, in a slightly abbreviated version, as was done by the Hopi elders, is:

”You have been telling people this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is THE Hour.
Here are the things that must be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in right relation?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your Truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.“

We need to start a better garden in our back yard...close to the house.


(six degrees of separation)

I admit there is something on the blog which really pulls at me to speak to it. The thing is I feel pulled just the tiniest bit harder to just leave it alone. Sometimes it is really hard for me to know which parts of myself to listen to. I know there is that stock answer of ”the heart“...what I want to know is which part of my heart? I feel like it is too big for my ribcage, perhaps this is why my ribcage is changing.

As I read September 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-11-walkabout-la.html I become aware of just how much Michael and I were beginning to fight. I want to write the word ”conflict“ instead of fight...because I don’t want to see it, how often we struggled to get along, to understand one another. Our struggles have never had anything to do with lack of love, just lack of understanding. And as is my way I have to add...and there were amazing times as well, many actually stemming from the conflict... we were beginning to learn how to understand one another, I just never imagined it would be this hard, or that we would loose sight of how far we have come.

Pleasure revolution! September 14th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-pleasure-revolution-jank.html Now this was a commitment! My only wish was that I had endless funds to fuel it! I would have gone off. I did have a great time though and connected with how important pleasure is for me. I firmly believe that lessons can be learned anywhere along the spectrum between pain and pleasure. Working through life's lessons with pleasure as a back drop is far FAR easier than going the pain route...ask me how I know.

Oh the country mouse city mouse post! September 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-pleasure-revolution-county-mouse.html This one brought me so many more ”fans“. As I read over the blog I am thinking maybe I could write a little more about the fun(ny) parts of life. Or at least write with more humour about the struggles. I will keep this in mind for the next blog...did I just type ”next blog“? YIKES

September 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-pleasure-revolution-knowing.html Oh ! Sigh, I can’t wait to come paint with you....my muse. And ....Oh me! A quote from this entry:

”She smiled contentedly, pointing to one piece in particular, one of the paintings bound for the Italian church, and tells how in all of her years this was the first time she simultaneously captured the essence of birth and death as she imagines them in one face, in one body, in one mass of extraordinary colour. As I gazed at the multidimensional face of infinite possibilities I had to agree, she had captured this singular event that is thought of as two.“

I am hard on myself and my writing. I have so much appreciation for my craft, for my talent since beginning to re-read my own work. I love Bernice, she is my muse.

Oh Tamalpa! September 17th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-4-pleasure-revolution-shiny-metal.html how I love you so. How dedicated I am to the life/art process.... this project was set up as a Tamalpa score after all... as I read and write about my time at Tamalpa feelings of being misunderstood arise...but I notice being more ok with it now than I was a month ago...sigh

September 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-8-pleasure-revolution-simple.html Baby Skylah is born, exactly 11 years and 1 day after Lily Rain Raabis. Skylah’s middle name is Rain. Rachel and I spent the night recently in room 111 in Big sure California. On the same trip that Jill and I dubbed ourselves ”11“ meaning two ”1’s“ standing side by side. Rachel made another ”1“ when she arrived with Skylah who was born on the 1st day of fall. That is a whole lot of 1’s, and a whole lot of Rain.

September 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-9-pleasure-revolution-dream-shared.html A studio is born...well no that is not true. A studio is conceived! A dream is realized. Now the work is to do the work.....

September 23rd. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-10-pleasure-revolution-in-closet.html If you want to understand me, read this one. If you are in my life in a romantic way....read it 3 times...please. I love you.

September 24th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-11-pleasure-revolution-day-in-life.html I tell the world that Michael is moving in.....down the Raabis hole!

September 26th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-sans-coffee-taking-stance.html Ugh...this one too...

September 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-sans-coffee-i-sorry.html I simply want to say that I now see things differently. I am being vague on purpose...I just don’t want to get into it. I want ease.

October 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-9-sans-coffee-help.html THANK GOD!! I got writers block...God knew that SOMETHING had to stop me! LOL and right now I am grateful since I am FINALLY finished reading for the day. (wy)Man am I a prolific writer! Which I think is well illustrated by this entry which is 1300 words long! (and finished a day behind schedule...ugh, now it is 1313)

”What do you do a lot of?“ is the clever question in 12 days journal #352

Ok we have to hit the road again. I have 40 minutes to edit this, find a picture, add in tag words upload it and flog it on facebook, all to have it up just one day late. Do you think I can do it? I guess we will see. (1389)

Day 5 Final Commitment- Shambles

Wow, didn’t see this comin. I started today with August 6th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-creative-words-being.html the day Michael and I set off to Shambala together. What an absolutely magical adventure we had. We taught a workshop, danced all day and night and we made beautiful love, other than drinking coffee and eating we did little else. We reached an even deeper level of love at this event, working there together, playing there together. I haven’t actually read anything yet. To tell you the truth I don’t really want to read it, it’s too hard.

And here I go anyway.



Last night I went to an open mic and read two of the poems from the creative writing commitment, I chose angry-ish ones. I wish now I would have read this one from. August 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-11-creative-words-magic.html This was my most magical day at Shambala. I feel physical pain in my heart as I read this entry, as I read my poem. I wish I could access just the feelings of love as I read these words, I wish they weren’t so connected to feelings of pain.

I want to state for the record, before we go any further. That I KNOW my objectivity on anything that is connected to Michael is skewed right now because of how disconnected we are from one another. The point of this commitment was to give honest clear reflection now that I have distance from my actions. Well I want you to know I have very little objectivity when it comes to my relationship with my Michael at the moment.

On August 8th I ran my first ever Movement Based Expressive Arts workshop...at Shambala, nothing like diving in head first!

Speaking of Shambala, I was brave enough to mention drug/medicine usage on the blog a couple of times during the festival. I live in a community where it is said that 75% of the population is either directly or indirectly related to the marijuana industry. *I* am the wife of a (retired kinda) RCMP officer. I need to be very careful about what I say in regards to things which are illegal. This was a tricky thing when writing a blog with the goal or truth and transparency. Here on August 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-jus-dance-continued.html I venture out a little, talk about my views in a way which is honest but safe for my particular family situation. I feel comfortable with how I walked this line this last year.

By August 12th I was back in California and in the habit of writing and not submitting till days later. I always knew that if I were to remain consistent, write and submit daily, that my contact with you all would have flowed better. When I am on time submitting I get many more hits to the blog and more comments. The thing was this project was a lot of fucking work, and my life is a WHOLE lot of work, so I just had to let things slip. It is what it is.

Ah ha! The infamous “Day 40” post where I come out as polyamorous and tell the world that Michael was my lover. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-jus-dance-day-40.html was written on August 13th, it was not submitted for nearly a week if I remember correctly. I wrote it in California and was home before it ever hit the net. I was petrified. I actually had a crazy body reaction, a fear reaction when I submitted it. It was the beginning of really stripping myself naked for the world to see. This entry had the most hits for months...until I posted a half naked picture of myself in a bikini and cowboy boots that is (rolling eyes at myself).

This trip also saw my reconciliation with my Jeremy on August 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-jus-dance-friendship.html . He was my sweet lover before I met Michael. My first ever lover within the wild world of polyamory in fact. He is lovely and soft and for whatever reason we just didn’t hold onto our relationship. It was complicated, I was married, he was a monogamist. We did love each other though. (I less than 3 you J.)

Home again and posting about love and its struggles. August 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-jus-dance-change.html This post was another top hitter, partly because of the beautiful picture of Chris and Kelly, they look so happy. Another reason I think this one was read so much was that I finally talked about how the kids were dealing with things. This was the main concern that people brought forward about our choice to live as a blended polyamorous family, that the kids would suffer. There were some really hard times, especially for Lily. Now though it is Lily who is most connected with Michael. I have spoken to her this last week (Chris and the kids are visiting him mom in Alberta while I stayed behind for rehearsals) and she is the one who always asks about Michael. She loves him, she loves Kelly too. It is hard that both of these people have left her life in the way they existed in it before. It is tempting to say we never should have allowed them into her life like we did, but it would not be true. What my beautiful children have learned from Michael and Kelly, how their lives have changed from having them in our home, has been amazing and most definitely for the greater good of our family and the world.

August 21st “Staycation!” http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/latest-commitment-staycation.html This was the name of the commitment where I took time off which translated into only writing 150 words or less each day. Do you know one of the parts of the project which was most enjoyable and easy? A joy nearly every time? Naming the entries and commitments. I loved this part. I got to be cryptic, humorous, stealthy, smart, smart-ass-d. I will miss this part, but who am I kidding, it is not like I am going to be able to give up blogging, I am a little obsessed, did ya notice?

In Staycation my new focus on the present began to really emerge, the signs of stirring. I was feeling the stress of trying to recollect past events and still write authentically. It was so important to me by this point that the writing be as real as possible. I can also see I was really beginning to feel the full brunt of what I had chosen to take on with 12 days 2 inspire. I am happy in THIS moment now about having chosen this commitment last August because it means I have less reading than yesterday!

Geez! I think I was on to something with those short posts! I said a lot with so little words...imagine that! I especially liked:

August 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-time-off-clear-as.html where it is obvious my commitment to truth telling was becoming stronger.

August 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-time-off-burning.html where I start to show how my edges are fraying.

August 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-time-off-avoidance-not.html where I am being playful and apologetic all at the same time.

August 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-time-off-simply.html A beautiful memory, a romantic moment alluded to; my blog version of serenading my lover.


I am blown out of the water by September 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-walkabout-get-out-of-jail-free.html . I could have written this exact entry, with a few subtle changes, today. I even laughed out load at the words I wanted to put on my “Get out of Jail Free Card”

”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“

The moon happens to be full today.

And so today's reading ends on September 3rd when me and Michael wrote a story for Rosy and her friend Sage. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-walkabout-oombellafish.html

and a commitment made to myself on September 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-walkabout-ashina.html

”I make a vow to myself on this day that I will create/manifest/find a sacred workspace for myself and those who I work with, that I will commit each day to moving in the direction of a life lived in community, and co-creation.“

I remember now that the creation of Sanctum Studio came the very next month. Oh man am I in for some bumpy reading! I can smile at it now but back when we were creating the studio and then to loose it so quickly, times were very intense. When this project is over I will be working on taking this vow to the next level...there will be dancing on Sundays in Nelson soon. That is a promise.

***EDIT- ADDED to the blog and 12 days journal #351 two days later, after Michael pointed out I forgot the daily question. ”What do you do when you don’t know what you want?“ Apparently I go on a road trip.***

Day 4 Final Commitment- Hard to Stomach

I admit it, I read ahead a tiny bit yesterday. I started my morning with this post from July 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4-body-of-water-moonlight.html Michael and I walking in the moonlight to go swimming in a mountain lake. It was a beautiful romantic night, I remember it well.

Then on July 9th I got bold and told you all that Michael was moving to Nelson to start a family. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-6-body-of-water-family.html You know I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought I was, I was still pretty out there at this point. I can tell I was feeling confident.

I found this picture in the July10th entry. I remember this Bernice, she was happy and robust. In this entry http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-7-body-of-water-crossing-water.html I talk about my body, how I can judge it and be unkind. At this point it would have been that I was unkind to myself believing I was too big, how ironic is that? I think I look beautiful in this picture. I think I second guessed this Bernice less than I do the Bernice I am these last few days.


Here on July 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-8-body-of-water-transparency.html was the day Lily, Chris and Kelly met Michael. What a crazy crazy day that was. I wouldn’t change this day, it was perfect, but I can tell you the way Michael and Lily met was very very hard on my little Lily. I still experience guilt over it.

By July 15 http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-12-body-of-water-surprise.html Michael and I were now road tripping in the United States. Michael was originally going to drop me at the Seattle airport but instead he ended up driving me to school in California. I remember this evening very well, we stopped on the side of the road near Mt. Shasta to eat. Something changed that night, deepened. We ate corncakes kale and butter at a deserted burger joint on the I-5 and fell deeper in love. It was a magical night.

The irony is just way to thick for me to stomach, perhaps this is what is causing my stomach flu. Here on July 16 http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/latest-commitment-communication-skills.html I committed to 12 days of learning and using better communication skills. I don’t even know what to say about this, I really did work at this, during this commitment and nearly every day since. Clear communication really is one of the most important things in my life... sigh.

AND as I move on to July 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-3-communicate-3-level-check.html I see I know so much about communication, so why do I doubt myself? Why DO I doubt myself so much more now?

My heart aches to see the words written so long ago, July 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-5-communicate-more-mary.html My wisdom and insight are evident. Again I wonder where my faith in myself has gone today.

Hmmm as I read I notice something very interesting. I glossed over our arrival home. Michael and I arriving as a couple in my hometown, to live with my family...and I don’t even mention it on the blog? I must have been experiencing serious cognitive dissonance at this point. Here I was coming home, with my new partner, knowing that coming out as polyamorous was inevitable. Holy Cow. I am brave, and a little nuts.

July 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-10-communicate-big-love-crumbs.html Sigh. This post is all me. The me I love.

On July 28th I set a commitment to write creatively and share it on the blog. If I look at this decision honestly I would say I was doing it for a couple of reasons. First to give myself the room to be creative, at this point I was very deep into my relationship with Michael and its effects on my family life were HUGE, in both positive and trying ways. I needed a forced excuse to create art. Second, I was hiding. I still had not been explicit with you all about the nature of our relationship and it was really wearing on me, I found a way to hide a little longer. I did do some great writing though! http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-1-creative-words-bracketed.html This poem is as true now as it was then, over 9 months ago.

Ah yes as I read I become aware that I am travelling with Michael, Ayla and Rosy to Alberta to get Lily and visit Michael's sister. I know this because the inspiration for this poem http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4-creative-words-in-me.html on July 31st, was a bathroom in Crowsnest Pass in Alberta. I was definitely hiding from you all. Sorry about that. The poetry I was putting out was rich though...you know how long it has been since I was inspired to write something like this?!

August 2nd. Yikes. This was a challenging time. A time when I saw cracks beginning to form. By this time we had picked up Lily, and she was having a really rough go. Oh my sweet Lily Rain, I love you so much baby. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-6-creative-words-struggle.html

Or maybe I wasn’t hiding the bad times as well as I thought I was August 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-creative-words-possibilities.html My struggles were leaking. I remember this being about the time people began to reach out to me.... Thank you.

Finally! In today's last entry to be read, August 5th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-9-creative-words-hands-arms-and.html
I read some truth! I can’t believe how much I was hiding. In this entry I feel the push, I feel my need to be seen. I am not sure when “Day 40”, the post where I came out as being polyamorous happened, but I have a feeling it is coming soon. I had yet to be truthful about Michael but in this entry I am at least truthful about Chris. My loving amazing husband, God we have been through so much together. I didn’t write about him a whole lot on the blog. Our lives took separate paths this year. It is not usually this way you know... we have been best friends for years, 17 years. We needed some time apart. Don’t confuse this with being out of love. I love that man with my entire being, and I know he loves me. I am so happy to have ended on a post about him today, even if it was about us fighting. Your presence will help me find a clearer perspective today Chrissy. Thank you. I love you.

“Do you believe in yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #350

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...

It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-asking-for-help-babies.html

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. I read this entry from June 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-3-impractical.html At the time I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-9-karma-yoga-lost.html It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-karma-yoga-dance-of-gratitude.html

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-5-one-on-one-many-more-loves.html I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I am just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous, to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I am pining for another love as well, one I will see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is family what family is, struggle and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of Michael and summer road trip together. My reading tomorrow will be of a time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2-body-of-water-anger.html This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...

It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-asking-for-help-babies.html

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. In this entry from June 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-3-impractical.html I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-9-karma-yoga-lost.html It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it, is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-karma-yoga-dance-of-gratitude.html

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now, as I write this entry we are living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-5-one-on-one-many-more-loves.html I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I was just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous. Wanting to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I was also pining for another love, one I would see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is what 15 years of being in a family has taught me, that family is struggles and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of my love filled summer road trip with Michael. My reading tomorrow will be of the time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2-body-of-water-anger.html This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.

Day 2 Final Commitment- Strangers, Help and Community

I am so tired and fragile today. I am home alone and I LONG to be cuddled. I got my moon this morning so it is no wonder I feel this way. I know I will feel less vulnerable tomorrow. I just have to hole up here in my bedroom, make myself tea, have a bath and sleep. My kitty cats will cuddle me this evening as I hang out in my “red tent”.



And because I am so tired I am going to keep today's entry short.

This is a quote from one of May’s entries, it helped me to see two things about myself. Number 1, fear has been an issue for me for a long time. Two, I love that I was so “out” about my relationship with God in those first months, I love that I never hid this. I can tell from my reading that I was beginning to get more comfortable with blogging at this point.

”I love my fear and know it is there to protect me, but I quiet it down so I can only hear my heart voice. This voice, that I often find when I am dancing, NEVER leads me astray. This voice tells me the things I am meant to do with this life. Leading movement is one of those things. Raising my babies with love, boundaries and a commitment to communication is one of those things. Loving with a wide open heart is one of those things. Writing this blog, committing to this experiment, sending out journals into the world is one of those things. I don’t know what all of that makes me, but that is OK. God knows, and that is good enough for me.”

The other thing I noticed was just how friggen wordy I was! LOL LONG POSTS! Holy cow. I hope for my own sake I stopped writing so much so that it doesn’t take me hours every day just to get through the reading part!

***EDIT- I posted something and decided a couple of hours later that I didn’t actually want to be that honest, or actually it is not about honesty, it is about wanting to keep it for myself. Thanks Deborah for the perfect advise.***


*** EDIT- I am adding the removed text back into entry at 10:30 the next morning, after a nights sleep and a new morning complete with birds singing, I know I put this in my entry for a reason. I trust.


One last reflection. I am reading the months from the 6th to the 5th so that I will end up exactly on April 5th when the project is done. So for instance today I read May 6th to June 5th. Want to know what day I met Michael? June 5th. I have just entered Michael land full force. From now on I will get to read all about my excitement and passion for this man, veiled as it was from all of you in the beginning. I have to tell you it was all a bit much to take today. Reading about the 2 weeks which led up to our meeting, seeing our picture so happy and in love, add all this to today being my first moon day, and I had myself an UGH afternoon. I am sure at some point reading about our love story will bring me joy, I KNOW this for certain. Today though I scroll quickly past our picture on the blog, not wanting to see, wondering how we went from there to here in 10 months. Despite a deep deep love for one another we just can’t seem to get along. I wish I knew what to do.


“Is there a period of you life which is hard to think about?“ is the question in 12 days journal #348

Day 1 Final Commitment- Cleansing, Climbing, Connecting, Conversing

One tidbit I have not shared with you all yet is my recent struggles with reading. I have struggled with it my whole life to varying degrees, but found ways to get along in this print dependent culture. Then a few months back I started to realize just how much stress it was now causing. To be blunt, I can’t really read for content right now. I can read the words, they make sense but they don’t stick. This has made the transformation I am going through more difficult, not being able to read about it, understand it, has contributed to the isolation I feel while on this beautiful journey...kinda like going to the South of France and not having anyone to share it with.

So to set myself the task of reading a months worth of blog entries every day was a DOUBLE TRIPLE QUADRUPLE whammy. I figured that because it is my own writing, this info is already inside me, I am just taking a Bernice refresher. Well it took me 3 1/2 hours to get through the firs 1/12th of my blog. YIKES!

I did mess around on you tube for bit looking up Billy Bragg songs, inspired by a lyric I found sneakily buried in one of the entries. This is the struggle with reading, staying on track, not getting lost in tangent thoughts and research. I eventually made it to the end, but this reading thing is a real pain in the ass!

What can I say about the first month? It was a little dry. LoL I am remembering a couple of people who told me they tried to read the blog but never continued because they got overwhelmed by starting at the beginning. They didn’t say it out right but I have a feeling they lost interest, and I can see why. At this point this project was still something outside of myself, like work. Work I enjoyed, but still work. I remember at this time really going through such sadness about my break up with Jeremy, I remember imagining that this was leaking all over the place, that when I looked back it would be so obvious that I was healing my heart,. Other than a couple of explicit posts I was keeping it all very professional... meaning I hadn’t begun to leak yet! I can be so friggen stoic, I know that this often even comes across as cold. I know I am a passionate loving womyn, so I expect the hot-cold thing must be hard on those around me. My hope is that I am doing better with this now... I am pretty sure I am.

Something else I saw when reading this first month was how excited and driven I was in the ! Gosh it is hard for me to imagine having as much energy as I did a year ago. Right now just wrapping the project up seems a feat. Starting it, building the blog, climbing Pulpit Rock, flying off to California was so much! I have to say I am proud of myself. In those days it was only sheer determination that kept me going, no one even knew I existed out there in blog land... wow.

Memory Lane is a trip.

“Have you ever truly believed you were being honest and later realized you were not?” is the question in 12 days journal #347

Last Commitment! Dénouement

Of course I had to do this Bernice style...who was I kidding? I was convinced until less than an hour ago that I would take it easy at the end, use it as a nice tidy wrap up, a way of expressing gratitude...blah blah blah. But nope...that’s not my style. I need to complete this the way I went in, with eyes wide open and no safety net...and yes I am aware that I am being dramatic.

​

I commit to reading one month of my blog everyday for 12 days. To using what that months “episodes”, as my lovely friend Rachel refers to them as, to inspire my daily blog entry. I commit to, as honestly as I possibly can, reflect on the past year of my life with you all. How is that for transparent? Truthful? Committed?

Are you ready?

I don’t know if I am... but here I go anyway.... Down the Raabis Hole.
​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​.

Day 12 On Time- Reality Check

I can’t believe it...

Tomorrow I will make my very last ever 12 days commitment. Once I have done everything necessary to launch the last commitment all I will have to do is carry it out and ...Bam...it is done. Over. Kaput. I did it. Holy shit.

Thing is I am kinda sad. A huge part of what has brought me to this point disappears that day. I have never had a good answer to the question “What do you do for a living?”. At least this year I could say in good conscience that I was a writer, I do it for hours (nearly) every day. As for how it contributes to my “living“, it hasn’t brought me fame and fortune (yet) but it has brought so much unbelievable love into my life, makes it such a joy to live. I have reconnected with old friends, made so many new ones. There was also all those emails I got from readers that I never got around to replying to, I feel terrible about those, when I remember them, I just didn’t have enough time. This project took over my life, or perhaps the way to look at it is I managed to record one of the most fantastic years of my life...who knew? I have been humbled by the number of you who have stuck with me through the whole thing, and surprised by the number of times I get ”I read you blog“ from people I never would have imagined to wanna know. You have become my geeky internet family....AND I AM GOING TO MISS YOU WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH....

Ya it really hit me today that this will end in just 12 more days...

Wow...



wow...

”What do you do for a living?“ is the cheeky question in 12 days journal #346

Day 11 On Time- NDE

I have a stronger appreciation for my sisters now than I ever have. If I knew that being this connected to my fellow Goddesses could bring this much comfort and ease I would have given over years ago! Phew!

Now just in case it is coming across that I am fresh out of break up and hitting the “Goddess Train” in a backlash towards the more masculine of our species, this is not the case. I still love the men of our species AND I am NOT fresh out of break up. Michael and I are talking, working, playing. A new beginning with no expectation, just being in the moment and letting our trust in one another to ask for what we want, and talk about how we feel drive where we go next. Relationship self determination.



Back to my sisters. Angela is a sister who I have never met but who has followed me through this project, she has held my hand on this journey. She once commented that I always seemed to be writing about something specifically in her life. Then yesterday she commented about her 2 near death experiences. This came the same day that I fully began to understand the importance of my own near death experience, how it has shaped me. I am not talking about fear as I was a few days ago, but faith.

It was a near drowning, and it went largely unnoticed by anyone in my family because of the circumstances in which it happened. It was traumatic as you might imagine, but there was another side to it, a beautiful side. There is a picture in my mind that I still see of the water turning sunlight into rainbows right before my eyes, of the texture of the bark on the trees which were preventing me from reaching air. This moment brought me faith, so much faith in beauty; not the least of which was knowing that if in that moment I could find beauty it would be mine to access always.



“What happens when you die?” is the question in 12 days journal #345

Day 10 On Time- Sacrifice

sac·ri·fice (skr-fs)
n.
1.
a. The act of offering something to a deity in propitiation or homage, especially the ritual slaughter of an animal or a person.
b. A victim offered in this way.
2.
a. Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim.
b. Something so forfeited.
3.
a. Relinquishment of something at less than its presumed value.
b. Something so relinquished.
c. A loss so sustained.
4. Baseball A sacrifice bunt or sacrifice fly.
v. sac·ri·ficed, sac·ri·fic·ing, sac·ri·fic·es
v.tr.
1. To offer as a sacrifice to a deity.
2. To forfeit (one thing) for another thing considered to be of greater value.
3. To sell or give away at a loss.


Written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin
sung by Sinead O'Connor as a tribute to
Elton John and Bernie Taupin
---------------------------------------
it's a human sign
when things go wrong
when the scent of her lingers
and temptation's strong

into the boundaries
of each married man
sweet deceit comes callin'
and negativity lands

cold, cold heart
hard done by you
some things look better baby
just passin' through

and it's no sacrifice
just a simple word
it's two hearts living
in two seperate worlds
and it's no sacrifice
no sacrifice
no sacrifice at all

mutual misunderstandings
after the fact
sensitivity builds a prison
in the final act

we lose direction
no stone unturned
no tears to damn you
when jealousy burns

cold, cold heart
hard done by you
some things look better baby
just passing through

and it's no sacrifice
just a simple word
it's two hearts living
in two seperate worlds
but it's no sacrifice
no sacrifice
no sacrifice at all

I gave my heart
I gave my heart...

“What have you sacrificed?” is the question in 12 days journal #344

Day 9 On Time- A Man with Heart

Tonight, after a day filled with rehearsals and 2nd day of spring doldrums, I sat staring into my wood stove, building a fire. I watched flames dance on fractured logs as they resisted surrender . Pangs of sadness pulled when I thought about springs progression and how this means this stove would soon sit empty. It is unused for anything other than clutter in our blazing hot Nelson summers. I SO love having fire in my house, I miss it all summer long. I suppose this is the trade off for being able to swim outside in glacial lakes. Nelson is a truly amazing place to live. Life here is so filled experience and connection. I spent last night with friends celebrating equinox. We sat in circle, danced, shared a feast, did ceremony and the best part was it evolved completely organically. Living in Nelson makes it easy to see God in everything.

I was sent this video by someone I love very much, he knew how much it would mean to me. The man in the video one of my Guru’s. He would DETEST being called one so I won’t tell him, I will tell you instead. And while I love singing with him, it is not his voice that makes him someone I honour, it is his big Bhakti heart.

Jai Uttal "Babies for Bhakti" from Omega Institute on Vimeo.

“Who has influenced your work?” is the question in 12 days journal #343

Day 8 On Time- Flying Down

I just wrote a whole post about the beauty of the world, the beauty of my day, it was such an inspired beautiful post, a masterpiece!....and then...my blogging software dropped the ball and DELETED IT!! Ok so I am going to try and recreate, but know it will NEVER be as good as the one I wrote in the moment...oh the agony of loss! (Yes I am being dramatic)

This is my friend Ben.


He and Jill kicked my ass out of bed this morning, used every trick in the book to get me to commit to going up Pulpit Rock. Even my claims at having to “be mindful of energy expenditure” didn’t deter them. Jill even offered to carry me up the mountain. Getting up was a little harder than it used to be. I used to function like a diesel engine when I had my old body. My beautiful old body that was often a little cranky and didn’t want to get started would then run for hours on mountain trials. My new body functions more like a “crotch rocket” (Jill’s words). Ben went up higher than we did, he was planning to paraglide off the top of the mountain. Jill and I sat in the sun in our bras, journalling and eating muffins as we waited for his call from the sky. Jill heard it first. She jumped up and we waved and danced on the earth as Ben waved and danced in the sky. He was 5 minutes from the ground, we on the other hand had to make it down the mountain to the car and drive to the soccer field...we had to move it! We gathered our stuff and did our own flying. One glorious benefit to my new body is its amazing agility, with all these muscles and little weight to slow me down I can FLY!! It felt glorious to control fall the whole trail all the way down. It was like gliding over the land. Jill had a hard time keeping up to me, even with her long legs. I do have to admit at this point that she also was left holding all our gear, part of the deal to get me up the mountain. She is such a good friend. I feel alive today, this glorious first day of spring.

WE DID IT!! We got through winter! HOORAY!


(Jill, Ben and I this morning on top of Pulpit Rock)

It is going to be a good summer, I can feel it.

Happy Eostar everyone. Celebrate today, celebrate life, rebirth, new beginnings, new love, old love, love, love!

Love is what it is all about. <3

"What is one of the best days you can remember experiencing?" is the question in 12 days journal #342

Day 7 On Time- Water Love

So much has happened today, why can’t I think of what to write? Oh wait I got a message from my friend Rachel, something about how to love a womyn! If it comes from Rachel then it must be good, not only that if it is good then I can simply do a repost. It is what I do when I am feeling lazy. Today was a hard day, a delightful day, but also hard. Ok I am going to look at the thing Rach sent now.

(very little time passes)

I only read the beginning quote and the first line, I am posting it without reading the rest, I don’t need to know anymore to know it belongs on my blog. I will read the rest once I submit this entry.



If You Want to Change the World… Love a Woman

"When a fairly spiritual male friend of mine who had finally found and was deepening into committed relationship with his soul mate confided in me he was thinking of being single again, and in the next breath expressed his latest idea for raising consciousness worldwide, I wrote this poem." - Lisa Citore


If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

-Lisa Citore

“How do you love women?“ is the question in 12 days journal #341

I love Jill.

I can’t wait to read (or perhaps write) “If You Want to Change the World....Love a Man”

Day 6 On Time- Oops

Oops!

“When have you not lived up to your commitments?“ is the question in 12 days journal #340

I may not have written and submitted this entry on time but I did receive the following response to yesterdays entry on fear. It comes from my very new friend Keith and since IT was written on time I am going to let myself off the hook. I wanted to share it with you all because I think it is brilliant.

“haha. ok I'm getting a little chuckle here...I'd like to suggest you approach your fear not as a horrible something to get rid but as an important part of yourself that is desperate to be heard...the problem with not listening to your fears is that a) they are part of you so it's a form of self-hatred to ignore or deny them their proper place in your conscious expression...this leads to a repetition of of karma because a fear that is held and not given full and proper release will draw back the same types of experiences until this happens..

the second issue is that without hearing your fears in a way that is non-judgmental towards them, your conscious mind is often unable to discern whether it is an old fear that is being triggered and is seeking release or a new and real threat that needs to be treated and responded to as such..

this is further complicated because fear and anger have a very bad rap in a lot of spiritual teachings..keep in mind that many of these teachings/traditions were originally practised by men who've never been laid and which reflect serious denied inferiority complexes towards all things feminine, especially emotional expression.”

Yes yes yes. Such a good reply! Especially the last paragraph. It is so true that our spiritual teaching from the east come nearly exclusively from men, celibate men at that! There is nothing wrong with this, celibate men have a lot to teach. What I want to know is where are the spiritual teachings from the womyn who loved to make love as a spiritual practice? Now there are some teachings I could really learn from!

Day 5 On Time- My Truth?

I have stifled myself for too long. I know that may seem a laughable comment from me, here on the blog I speak so boldly, courageously. What I have noticed since Michael and I split is just how often I don’t speak my mind out of fear, fear of verbal conflict. It is not lost on me that fear of conflict creates conflict. This awareness doesn’t seem to change that am still unclear how to deal with it. Stay out of relationships? Forge ahead in spite of fear? Find out how to rid myself of this fucking fear which takes over my heart again and again and again. I am so tired of it.

Two days ago it felt like I had all the answers. Today I feel distant from God and confused.

There is one thing I am not confused about though. I know it is time to start speaking MY truth, MY way, not just here on the blog but in all my relationships.

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”
-Coco Chanel


No one messed with Coco, she knew how to speak her truth aloud.

NOTE: Once I had submitted this entry I started looking at the tarot card website I still had up from yesterday when I was researching the number 18. It took 2 minutes of reading to find out that the moon card, number 18 in the deck, is the card which represents... FEAR..damn it! I had to add this in, to tell you, to share this confusion. This was the last line in the description of this card.

“When we experience the fear of the Moon card we need to take courage, ignore our well-wishers and tread our own path, for only we know, in our own hearts, what is right for our highest good.”

Talk to me heart, tell me what is right for my highest good...please.

“Do you speak your truth?” is the question in 12 days journal #339

Day 4 On Time- Not yet

What do the number 18, the tree of life, the moon and me all have in common? No really...do you know? Can you help me connect the dots? How about one female black cat and one male, both who love to commune with me when I am at my most tender, when I am fully open. Or the number 12? People ask all the time...why 12? Why not 18 days 2 inspire or 9 days 2 inspire? I have answers, things I have decided to explain it, but the truth is I don’t really know.

I know I am 36. I know 2 18’s are 36 and 3 12’s are 36. I know that the number 18 in the tarot is the moon. I know that I follow the moon, trust in the wisdom of waxing and waning eternally. I know that the moon pulls the water, and that water is a symbol of emotionality. I know I am an emotional being, I say this with much pride.

Today felt like a new beginning. Today was easy. “Easy” is the intention I set last night on the new moon. That is one fast turn around don’t ya think? I am surprised, somewhat puzzled by this ease that showed up today. I had ideas that today would be hard, luckily I am not easily tricked by “ideas”, I trust my feeling. Today was easy...and that is all I needed to know, think and feel to stay in the easy.

​

This symbol is called “chai”, pronounced “hai”, it is a Jewish symbol which means “living”. It also adds up to the number 18...I don’t know how or why, I am not Jewish and just discovered this symbol today. I do know when I find one, a beautiful one, I will wear it as a piece of jewellery. I will wear it to symbolize myself in this 36th year of my life, I will wear it until it no longer serves me. Why? I don’t know...yet. I can’t explain it...yet. What I do know is it is important. It is a celebration and moniker of where I am at right now. The fact that I can’t explain it YET doesn’t make it any less important or real.

Thinking, Knowing and Feeling are all important, equally important. They are the sacred 3 which form the triangle of existence on this plane, the keys to understanding love. 3 times 12 is 36.... I will leave it at that because I can’t make it any clearer....YET.

“How do symbols show up in your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #338

Day 3 On Time- Let's Talk

Fridays picture caused a stir.

Thank you, to all of you who commented, sent emails or simply thought about me. I know you are all concerned. I know the look on my face in the “before” shot one is happy and the other is not so much so. Know that these are captured moments with back story. In the first I am regarding my Rosy, my little creation, my walking, talking art exhibit born of my own body. She has a light that colours this world in a way no other could, and I am her mother...of course I look happy! In the other I am scrutinizing my iPhone, trying to make it work with the light AND coming to terms with my new body which is an active effort. I was happy in my life when the “before: shot was taken, I was sad sometimes too. I am happy now, and sometimes I am still sad. I am happy more often now than than I was when the “before” was taken, it may not look that way in these two moments, but they are not representative of my entire experience.

Here is a pic taken today. I have the same body (give or take 3 days) as the “after” shot. This picture was taken by Rosy. I asked her to be my photographer while I typed this entry. We are hanging out together this afternoon because she is on spring break. I am working to keep my daily commitment. We are working and playing together at Oso Negro. I was trying to see her behind the camera while she was taking shots, we were laughing, having fun. The picture was taken right before I accidentally put my hair in my mushroom soup. Look at my face...do I look happy?



Lets talk about my body.

I want to be really clear with everyone. I did not have an intention to lose this amount of weight. It is something that started happening 7 or 8 months ago. At first I was happy. I have struggled with body image issues my whole life, this should not be surprising given it is a cultural obsession. I was happy to loose a little weight, liked the way I was looking in my bathing suit, I am sure most of you womyn can relate to this. Then as the weight loss continued I began to get alarmed. I sought medical advice, fear of the unknown was driving a deep need for answers, I never found any, no definitive medical ones anyway.

This weight loss is a combination of many factors, one of these factors is stress. This blog has changed my life, it requires a crazy amount of dedication, this causes stress. My relationship with Michael, one I have no model for because it is completely out of the box, has been stressful. The blog and Michael have also changed my life in ways I never could have imagined, AMAZING positive way. I have a level of self love I did not have a year ago. This coupled with the reality of being this thin has forced a new relationship with my body, one that means being more mindful. My body pulls me into presence, “Feed me NOW!” it says and I listen, I have made it my priority. I ignored my body before, actually to be perfectly honest I HATED my body before. Through this experience I realized this hatred had NOTHING whatsoever to do with my body. It was merely a way of keeping alive stories that no longer served me, a way to run from self love. Loving myself, accepting the transformation both inside and out has brought such relief and ease.

I don’t have all the answers, I still have to live with the ambiguity of exactly why and what is causing this transformation. Trusting ambiguity is a huge lesson in faith, one I am thankful for.

I can not be the “before” shot so many of you seem to feel comfortable with. I am not that person any more. I am brand new, a scaled down version. I am new and this presents me with a choice of how I am going to think of myself.

This is my body RIGHT NOW, I can choose to judge it, continue the cycle of self violence by saying I need to be something other than what I am....or I can love it. I choose to love it. I accept that my body has changed and will change again, and again, and again, this is a certainty. I will take the lessons I have learned, apply this self love no matter what shape my body takes on. This is the gift.

Again, thank you all for your concern, for loving me. Oh and as I type this I am sharing a sandwich and soup with Rose. I am eating bread, cream and butter all at once, along with carrots, mushrooms, fish and peppers. I promise you I am taking care of myself, I am asking you to trust me.

“What lessons have you learned from your body?” is the question in 12 days journal #337

Day 2 On Time- Truth Time

ACK!!! Well that was a miserable failure. I totally flaked on the commitment and didn’t get the entry up in time. I was exhausted after Chris’ surprise party. I could barely get undressed let alone work. But TODAY, today and EVERY other day I am going to get the entry up ON TIME! Only 22 days more...wow what a year this has been.

One more thing. It is time.

Time to tell you that Michael moved out. I strive to be transparent and truthful with this blog, but it was just too close to my heart to say so before now. He left on March 6th. I am still unclear what our relationship will look like in the future. I have grieved then let my anger rise up and am working on acceptance. I don’t have the clarity to say any more.

“What are you committed to?” is the question in 12 days journal #336

Day 1 On Time- HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISSY!

We had to stay in a tiny town called Greenwood last night. As we left Kelowna there was a terrible blizzard. We were rounding a corner covered in slushy snow when our truck began to slide. Hurdling downhill in the middle of driving snow as a semi truck is approaching is a nerve wrecking experience. We hit the concrete embankment on my side, I could feel the momentum of the vehicle continue as I peered over the rocky cliff into a black hole. I thought to myself, ‘if we go over this glass window next to my head is not going to offer me any protection, this could get ugly!’. The momentum toward the cliffs edge abated as Chris pulled us out of the skid. Thank you Chris, thank you God.

Our truck was a heirloom. Passed down from my father-in-law to my husband. His name was Alfred, we called him Opi. Opi said to Chris on his death bed, “The truck is yours now”. This was a big deal, that man loved his truck. As we were skidding again right after the initial impact, Chris started lamenting the damage done to the truck. I was thinking to myself, ‘You have got to be kidding?! Let’s get out of this alive first and then we can worry about the truck!’. I wasn’t taking into account how much this truck means to Chris, I can forgive myself this, I was after all watching my life flash before my eyes! I wondered in that moment as I looked over the cliff who would take care of my kids if we both went on to our next lives? No easy solution came to mind. Lucky for us this is not an issue. We are alive and well and travelling back to Nelson a day late.

And what a day it is! March 13th, the day my husband was born, 38 years ago! We will be going out for dinner tonight, just he and I....or so he thinks. There will actually be a group of friends waiting at the restaurant for him.....IT’S a SURPRISE PARTY! WOOHOO! Lucky for me I am behind again so I won’t be able to actually post this until tonight after it is all over.

Happy Birthday Chrissy! I am so blessed to share my life with you...oh and thanks for being such a good driver....I do appreciate your driving...even when you increase speed around corners while I am writing. :oP

​
(Chris this summer with Rose and Lily at the beach in Seaside, California)

“Who do you appreciate?” is the question in 12 days journal #335

Latest Commitment! On Time

Yikes, I am behind on uploading entries.....AGAIN! I promised myself I would be better about getting the entries up daily as this is the second to last commitment before I am DONE DONE DONE! So that is the commitment, to write and post each entry each day, back to the way I did it in the beginning. This is no easy feet considering I am three days behind on editing. To fulfill this commitment I need to submit 4 entries by tonight. Today is Chris’ birthday, so this is going to be extra tough. Lucky for me I AM extra tough, resourceful and can pull my butt out of a sling. So I am off to edit and write as we drive over the snowy mountain pass between Grand Forks and Castelgar.

Wish me luck!!

Day 12 Lovin Nelson- Before and After

Chris left this morning to go continue his crazy battery of tests. Psychological testing is hard bloody work. I on the other hand stayed at the hotel, went down for breakfast and am now off to the pool to soak in the hot tub. I got the much better deal this trip.

I changed into my bikini and cowboy boots to get ready to head down to the pool, I have to walk through the outdoors to do this, thus the reason for the cowboy boots. As I went into the closet to grab a robe I was struck by my reflection in the mirror. I still have ideas about what I look like that are based on YEARS of living in this body. To see myself in an unusual setting, wearing an unusual get-up really allowed me to see myself as I am. Oh My God do I look different!!

So I took this photo of myself in full length mirror at the hotel. I am a little shy about posting it. I realize I have put a pic of myself in a bikini on this blog before (when I was swimming in a natural body of water each day) and this is no different, it just feels different because it is winter and I am pasty white. If my cranky blogging software will allow me I am going to post a before and after shot. The before being a pic of me doing my second commitment (climbing Pulpit Rock every day), the after pic is the last day before tackling my second to last commitment. If you see two photos you will know my plan worked. If you see one it is because MacJournal software has a glitch which won’t allow it.

Ok deep breath...here it goes.

​
(Before. The beginning of this project.)

​
(After. Near the end of the project.)

“How do you feel about your body?” is the BIG question in 12 days journal #334

Day 11 Lovin Nelson- Appreciation in Absence

Way back when I was on my third ever commitment, Chris and I went to Kelowna to visit his neuro-psychologist. We had a great trip. On that trip I wrote one of my favourite entries ever. Here is link if you want to trip down memory lane with me.

We are off to make that same trek again. The thing that strikes me is just how different things are now, and at the same time that some things have not changed despite the crazy turns our life has taken. I didn’t even know Michael last time I went to Kelowna with Chris, now he is enmeshed in our lives. It is he who is taking care of the kids while we go away to see where Chris is at with his brain trauma. The thing that hasn’t changed is how much Chris and I love each other. We have been together (for the most part) since September of 1993. We have been through hell and back again(to borrow one of Chris' MANY colloquialisms) and here we are, still in love. The love has morphed, aged, deepened, expanded, the love is not the same as it was when we first met, back when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other for more than a day. Love matures, something I imagine a lot of folk who have never been in a long term committed relationship could find hard to understand. 17 years is a long time to stay consciously commitment to both a relationship and to self. We have done an amazing job.

Oh and I suppose I should acknowledge that it may seem difficult to appreciate Nelson when I am not even there. Don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions. If you have ever been to the hospital in Kelowna you will probably understand that existing in this environment for two days REALLY gives me a chance to appreciate where I live....(shiver). To be honest when I started this commitment I completely forgot I was going away. I am making the situation work anyway. Gosh it is good to be my own boss, self determination is the bomb!

“How has you life changed in the last year?” is the question in 12 days journal #333