I had some sad news today. I can’t tell you what it is, it is too personal. I am pretty candid on this blog but this one is just too close to my heart.
I had a great day, what I am learning at school is amazing. It is the work I have been waiting for, wading through the stuff before this knowing this was the prize. It feels grown up, confident. The day was good, the weeks been great. Then tonight I found out that I lost something I never actually had. That is not true, I did have it, I had the idea of it. And when this idea was lost all the good parts, all the joyous possibility, all the romance, showed up in unexpected tears.
I found out just before class. There was no time to process. When we finally finished I got into my car and called a friend, a very good friend to share my news. His response was very much “right”, like my schooling, grown up and confident. I sank into my seat like a 7 year old girl and felt neither grown up nor confident, just sad. I don’t think I wanted to hear the “right” thing, I think I was hoping for something to mirror my sadness. A turning of the tides. This was not what I expected of myself at all. Of course like I said to my dear friend, “It is easy to be sad for something that is not, because I don’t have to deal with the responsibilities and realities that I would have if it was. I am mourning the loss of a fairy tale”.
On my drive home I stopped at the grocery store, bought 2 chocolate bars, a pint of ice cream, strawberries and a small tub of full fat Greek style yogurt. I ate half of one of the chocolate bars on the ride home. Feeling sick I walked in the door, tumbled onto the bed tears finally flowing and cried like a baby. I am feeling better now, though I sure would like someone to come over and cuddle me, maybe this is what the ice cream is for?
“Have you ever lost something and not realized how much it meant to you until it was gone?”, is the question I will write in 12 days journal #66.
My Karma yoga for today was dropping 10 dollars into the tip jar at the place where I often get coffee, here in Fairfax. The man who works behind the counter is named Sergio, he is so kind. He remembers me when I come to town, what I do when I am here, and what our last conversation was, even if it was over a month ago. I wanted to help him by clearing all the tables in the restaurant, but I would have been late for school, so I gave the money instead. I would like my karma yoga offerings to not have to do with money, I am not sure why but it just feels cleaner. That said it was all I could fit in today. I spent the morning doing work, and was at school until after 9:00 p.m. I am trying to remember that the idea is to do what I CAN, not what I think I should. Karma yoga is about selfless service, but selfless does not give me permission to beat myself up because then it becomes self violent. And today of all days I need to be kind to myself. When I go to bed I will give myself cuddles. I will fall asleep all snuggled up and filled with ice cream.
Oh my sweet! I wish I was there for you right now. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) ruthie
ReplyDeleteI wish I could be there to cuddle you, B!
ReplyDeleteAs to losing something and not realizing what it meant to me till it was gone, well, it's kind of embarrassing to admit. I recently found out that my ex was selling off my good china at his rummage sale. It seemed like a stupid thing for me to be upset about, but I couldn't seem to let it go. After some much-needed introspection, I came to realize some things about that china: I bought it when I was in my early 20s, carefully selecting the style, intending it to be my good china for life, that it would see me through wonderful dinner parties with friends, Thanksgivings with family and friends, and yes, to treat myself and family/friends when I just felt like making a particular meal special.
I used it over the years, but then a few years into my relationship with my ex, he started to bitch about it because the gold rims made it impossible to use the dishes in the microwave (umm, isn't that what microwave dishes are supposed to be for?!) and he just didn't like the style, yada yada. He bitched and bitched and bitched and then finally bought some plain Corningware and the good china got packed away and put in the basement (which is why I missed it when I was moving out, or I would have taken it with me).
My ex offered it to me first. I thought he was being nice, but then he told me how much he wanted for it. Yes, that's right...he wanted me to buy back my own china which I bought with my own hard-earned money to begin with. So much for nice, huh?
At any rate, the more I thought about what that good set of china had represented to me, my future, my hopes and dreams, my intention that it would "live" alongside me throughout my life, everything that it represented...and what it represented in terms of how my ex had an uncanny ability to cut right to a person's heart and soul and rip them out and stomp on them, how he relegated so much of what was important to me, what my tastes were, what my hopes and dreams were...they all ended up packed away in the basement for years, only to be sold cheaply at his rummage sale. Because that's how much he valued me. Which is to say, of course, not at all.
So yes, I lost that china and didn't realize how much it meant to me (how LOADED with meaning!) until he had sold it. My daughter told me that someone bought the whole set and I actually cried. But like I said, it was totally symbolic at that point, as I now have new dishes that I love and the old ones really didn't matter on the surface.