September 17, 2009

Day 4 Pleasure Revolution- Shiny Metal

My indulgence and absolute pleasure of today was to run down a spongy wooded trail, the canopy high above, as an artist rather than an athlete. To emerge round a corner and see a jewel lake shaped like a stomach, the belly of our mama. To watch as a school of fish, emerging from nowhere, fed off the surface, breaching, splashing, so committed to singularity, and wonded, do they imagine themselves as big as whales? Do they even know that whales exist on this same planet, ultimately in the same water they do? I watched as bubbles glided to the surface, through water that somehow appears clear and opaque at the same time, gasses from some unknown biological reality that I know nothing about. To step from shade into sun and be overcome by the spicy concoction in the air. Pachamama mama baking bread made of toasted ancient grasses. The pungent smells of cloves, cinnamon, bay leaves, eucalyptus, all made sweet by sticky dark rich molasses. I imagined taking a bite and wondered if it was possible god created smell to encourage us to breathe. My indulgence today was to go to school, to enact a score in the hills of Marin County, California as part of my education.

I have an absolute passion for nature. I love it in the way I get excited about being with a lover, over and over again, noticing all the new and the old made new by a fresh appreciation, one that could only be had in this moment and will never be again. Combine this with art, and spirit, and womyn who love to dance and explore the life/art process. This is my pleasure. This is my passion. My conviction.

I care deeply what others think of me. It may not be a popular thing to admit, and I have self judgement round it’s existence within me. Given that I care, it is a little unnerving, vulnerable, to admit what I am about to write. The following describes my experience in the forest this afternoon, a class led by a cohort, a score she created. We were to write three things on a small manila card at the trail head. Three things we were wanting to change, areas where we wanted shift or emphasis. I chose to put the statements in the form of “I want”, a practice Michael and I started within 12 hours of meeting one another. With much conviction and not a lot of thought I scribbled the following:

“I want a creative space that inspires, feels comfortable, and like my own (and Michael's).
I want the 12 days project to take off and bring financial abundance.
I want ease and happiness in my family life and home, in our new space and configuration.”

I folded the card up, hiding it under some moss at the trailhead. We convoyed down the path in silence. I was flooded with intense energy and a firing of rapid thoughts, which often happens when I get connected. First came the smells, then the sights, then the knowing. I declared to God that I was ready, ready to bring financial abundance into my life as a result of my artistic endeavours. I drank from a stream as a sacred seal, water is my direct line of connection. I committed to using the financial abundance to create more ease, to increase my connection to spirit in order to create more art, poetry, writings, pictures, dance, music! I prayed for this also to release Chris from the burden of being our sole provider, from the stress of carrying his family alone. I cringe and admit I told God I would use the financial abundance for an iPhone, yes you read that right, to be able to simplify my computer time, picture taking and organization which would leave more time for family and art. I committed to continue following the word of the Divine, my knowing, the connection. I committed that even when in doubt, I will keep the channel open following what I know to be the way. I committed to live as an artist, put MY paintings and drawings up on MY walls, whether I think they are “any good” or not, because this is not the point. I committed even to smoking cigarettes if that is what it takes to follow the knowing rather than the ideas I have about “right and wrong” . (Just in case you are wondering I don’t believe God wants me to smoke cigarettes). I committed to commitment. I committed my life to God, just as I have so many times before.

I have an unusual sacred symbol, I consider culverts, those shiny corrugated metal tubes through which water flow, to be a sign. The sanctuary which I imagine in my mind, is at the bottom of a huge culvert. My actual sanctuary, where I spent many teary days when I lived near Whistler BC, has a culvert smack dab in the centre. I see them when I need confirmation that I am seen by the Divine, that I am on track. When I really need one, even at the strangest time, one will appear. When I created my 8 foot by 4 foot self portrait, my heart was represented by a culvert from which my writings flowed. Culverts are one of my totem signs.


Today on our exploration I saw an abundance of culverts. Old ones, new ones, rusted bent ones, shiny new ones, long, short, big, tiny. Everywhere I turned after I prayed I saw a culvert, culverts in abundance upon asking for abundance is a pretty gosh darn good sign.

I was held by the land today, land just minutes from the Mountain home studio where I attend school, land I have never walked on before. It has held so much of the hard work I have done in the last year and a half. It is by the grace of this land that I found the strength to ask God for what I want. I am truly, deeply, grateful to both God and the land, the God and the Goddess for all the blessings I have in my life.

“What do you want now?“ is he question in 12 days journal #157


  1. I love the moments and times like you had this day. I also am impressed with the clarity of your wants on your paper.
    My symbols would be an apple tree and gravity...
    (Ps - this will be the first time I signed as me - but I am sure you would recognize me anyway, anonymous or not :) )

  2. I want to move forward, to let myself get caught up in my own forward momentum. I connect a lot through water, too, and often find myself visualizing where I am with some kind of water connection. The forward momentum I'm talking about is like a dam that is about to burst behind will lift me up, I will float on it, and I will ride it as it rushes toward who knows where. I want to enjoy this ride as much as I will enjoy the final destination (although I know the destination will not technically be "final," but hopefully you know what I mean).

  3. Also, I love your self-portrait, and I'm laughing and hugging you through cyberspace over the iPhone thing. LOL. You're so funny, B! Love you!

  4. <3 Thanks Angela for not judging the iPhone coveting mama in me :OP

    Ruthie I have red a part of your blog, working on the rest, will report soon!! Much love to you.