October 5, 2009

Day 10 Sans Coffee- Past

I went to therapy today with Chris. We are dealing with some stuff that happened shortly after Chris’ head injury. He was really sick then. I hid what was going on in our family, from basically everyone. Dark times. So today, over 2 years later, I went to our family counsellor, an amazing womyn named Lilli, and realized in doing so that I am reluctant to look back. It scares me. My past has many crazy events which helped to create this womyn that I am proud to be, this doesn’t mean I want to relive them though. Lilli says I don’t need to. I don’t understand how this is possible, to heal the past without looking at it, but I trust her. Though I am reluctant to enter back into therapy, I am going to.

Lilli has a ritual. When we leave her office, she has a basket filled with affirmations and inspirational sayings. I love this part. Love the tarot card style of drawing little pieces of paper which always seem to be the perfect parting words for any session. Today I got:

“When you don’t keep looking back, it’s that much easier not to trip and fall.”


“How has your past effected who you have become?” is the question in 12 days journal #176

Still no inspiration to write...I am beginning to worry.


  1. A friend of mine used to say "You spend your whole life living the first three years over and over. Or "you spend the first part of your life getting in a mess and the rest sorting it out" Today I was digging footings and when a hole opened up from top to bottom it reminded me of building sandcastles with my Dad and sister. And that reminds me my Dad shooing off kids whose sandcastle we had "borrowed" and feeling guilty about it, and scaring girls at the beach by looking up their skirts.

    I'm sure everything relates to everything else in the past. I started going to a counsellor after I had the experience of being 12 years old, down to details like clothes and the way I stood, a few years ago. This was quite disturbing until I realised there were unresolved events from the past that needed resolving. And resolved they will be, until the past no longer predominately defines who we are now, and that we can include and love that person we were in the past.

  2. I want to thank you, Bernice, for the opportunity to heal with you. Thank you so much for being in that room with me. Thank you for visiting those places which are difficult to visit. I am awed by your courage. Thank you so much.

  3. It has made me a stronger, better person, and better able to appreciate the really good, wonderful things in my life. It has made me feel, well, almost fearless...I know that if I could survive all of that, and go on to THRIVE after all of that, well, there doesn't seem like much that can happen to me anymore that I won't make it through. I make better, healthier decisions than I used to...I'm a better judge of people...I trust myself better and do a better job of listening to my gut...

    It doesn't mean that I don't sometimes worry or get upset about stuff; it's just that, underneath all of those turbulent emotions, I still have that firm foundation underneath me, that confidence that I'll be ok and get through whatever it is I'm struggling with.

    Used to be that I felt like I was living a nightmare, and happiness and peace were the unattainable dream. Now I feel like all that nasty stuff that I went through was all a bad dream, and now I'm awake...fully awake. You don't forget the bad dream, but eventually, it loses its power over you. You can remember it without the fear and pain. It will almost feel like it happened to someone else, and you will feel awed that it was actually YOU it happened to. At least, that's what it's been like for me.

    What you and Chris have been through, B...I hope that eventually it will all seem like a bad dream to you both and you will be able to remember it without the fear and pain. {{{{{hugs}}}}} to both of you. I wish you both the deepest of healing.