January 31, 2010
Well, to be accurate, I would have to say deer meat taco salad. We couldn’t find any non-GMO taco shells so we switched to torilla chips. Still the same juicy deer meat though!
It’s become a staple up here in the Raabis Whole. Ever since deer season we’ve been eating wild venison from the mountain behind our house. Chris brought down a buck and a doe with his cross bow this season. He dragged the buck out himself. The doe he carried out with Kelly, jungle style, hooves tied over a long pole, slung over a shoulder each. It took them an hour.
He took them to a butcher and they turned them both into roasts, stewing cuts, ground, and jerky. The jerky disappeared pretty quick. When we have a roast, Lily and Rosy get very excited about the tender loin. And we’ve had some nice stews with big chunks of potatoes. I feel blessed to eat wild meat from our back yard. Up here the deer drink from streams that are among the cleanest in the world. Their dinner is five star buffet. They are eating fruit of trees, barks, lichens, mushrooms, berries, fresh green shoots. We’re talking healthy deer.
And, it’s hard to get dinner from any closer to home. This is part of the one mile diet. Actually, you sit there and wait for dinner to come to you. Chris spent a lot of long, early morning hours out there in a blind, covered in camouflage, and deer pee spray, waiting for his chance to get a clean hit.
Deer meat taco salad is a hit! Thanks Raabis!
Next, it’s bear season!
“Where does your food come from?” is the question for 12 days journal #294
January 30, 2010
Today, I'm going to tell you about Bernice. I imagine a lot of people reading this already know Bernice, in their way. This is a bit about how I know Bernice. I don't expect any of it will be surprising. Though you may not know her the same way I do.
The first time I saw Bernice, I saw a goddess on a dance floor. She radiated confidence and strength. If you have shared a dance floor with Bernice you know this part of her. You can see how much she loves to dance by watching her. She doesn’t just move her body, she moves her heart with her, in a quiet, still moment, or a spin, or a gesture. I’ve watched her love people in so many ways by being a witness and a muse for yearning souls.
Her tenderness and care comes naturally, cultivated through motherhood three times over, over nine years of breastfeeding, cloth diapers, home schooling, home birthing. Her compassion for others is woven into her fabric of being. At 36 she has the wisdom and experience of a 14 year mother.
Her devotion to her family is limitless. She is roused from exhaustion to tend to sick children. She supports her husband in finding his truth and following his dreams. Together they have provided an upbringing for their kids remarkably low in media, junk food, and punishment. They treat them like people, worthy and equal.
(This picture was taken just after I met Bernice last summer)
Her commitment to others is matched by her commitment to herself. She honours her passions and nourishes her own soul, while collecting gifts to share with others. She followed her heart to kirtan on Cortes Island, found a dancer that pointed her to California, met a tribe that brought sensuality into sacred, divine to dance floor. Then she found a school that asked her to peel herself open, then put herself back together to learn the technique.
She is a lover and a queen. She acts with integrity to her values and holds herself worthy of honour and respect. She is not afraid of her power. She knows what she wants. She has the courage to get it.
She is committed to truth and honesty. Her bravery is astounding in her willingness to be seen in both pride and humility. Every day for a year she shares the raw details of her life to the world. Withstanding criticism, judgement, and rejection, she continues to expose her fragile growth, her shadow, her glory, and her beauty.
She is a priestess and a yogini. She conjures magic and makes contact with divine. Her intuition is sensitive like the antennae of a moth. She prays to the goddess. She prays to god. They answer her.
She gives and gives; she loves and loves. She is committed, caring, compassionate, tender, and strong. She is a talented artist of many kinds. She is intelligent, funny, strong-willed, serious, and playful. She talks to rivers. She gets pulled by the moon. She likes her cappuccinos dry, and her kisses wet. She’s got spunk and charisma, charm and wit. She is changing, right before our eyes. And like a caterpillar, she has become imaginal cells. Pure potential. Rebirthing.
She is the woman I love, who I devote myself to, who I worship. I trust her. I believe in her. The world is lucky to have her. We are lucky to have her. I am lucky to have her, in my life, in my family, in love.
Today, I want to celebrate Bernice, because Bernice deserves to be celebrated. Thank you beautiful womyn, for being all that you are, for being in my life, for bringing so much to my life. Thank you.
“What do you love about someone you love?“ is the question in 12 days journal #293
January 29, 2010
Since Chris and Bernice are still both recovering from the virus of perpetual coughing, I went as the parent chaperone and drove Ayla and her friend Amelia up to Whitewater.
My dear friend Lars hooked me up with some great tele gear and we met after the kids got sorted. He showed me his back country playground, and we wrote poems to god two lines long all the way down the mountain. Up here, among the peaks and clouds, is one of the most sacred places in my heart. It seems the earth kisses the sky so deeply here. Everything is so raw, so real, so tremendous.
While we broke for lunch Lily, Bernice and Chris’s middle daughter, and her friend Sage asked me if I would go up the chair with them. It was Lily’s first day on a snowboard, she was done with the bunny hill, and needed a chaperone to ride the big runs. It felt good that they asked me.
We stuck to the green run, and the first time down was made in short little spurts of a few metres at a time. The second time down she was starting to turn. The third time down we cruised, lots of turns, and fearless.
I left them to ride the summit chair, and they did another couple runs on their own, while I wrote a few more couplets through the trees. Then I chaperoned some girls back to Nelson.
Later, Amelia’s mom called for Chris. She left a message saying, when ‘your friend’ drove Amelia home she left her money in the car. She wanted to know how to get in touch with me, or if he could. It was on the home phone and I was the one who listened to the message. Amelia’s been over before so she knows I live there. I guess a lot of people still don’t understand our family situation, which is fine, it’s new for all of us.
Up until I met Bernice, I haven’t even had a partner with kids. Now I live with three of them and both their parents. It’s kind of like instant soup, add water and stir. Instant family, say yes and show up. Today was one of the really fun ways to show up. Add deep, dry snow, strap boards to feet, carve lines into mountain.
(Here’s a beautiful two line poem)
“How is your family different?“ is the question in 12 days journal #292
I post this in honour of all the compassionate, wise, wounded healers, those I know and those I don't know yet. I post this for Kim, for Michael, for Chris, for Jennifer, for Melissa, for Eric, for Richard, for my children, for myself, for you, you who is reading this right know. Know that your pain makes you strong, that it is LOVE in some form that is of yet unrecognizable to you, it heals you and those around you, pain transformed into its true essence of love is you awakening to your glory. And you are GLORIOUS!!
Back to Michael now... a man who I have seen in action as the Wounded Healer, a man I have learned so much from, and love deeply.
January 28, 2010
Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing. I don’t mean the small, what am I doing, like when I’m on my way to the kitchen and forget what it is I am going there for. I mean the big, what am I doing, like, what the hell am I doing with my life?
As many of you know, Bernice and I renovated a dance studio in Nelson recently, only to be evicted by our landlord even before we had our opening. We poured into this studio, not only our money, but our hearts, and filled it with hopes and dreams. To have these dashed away even before they had a chance to begin was devastating, for both of us.
Another studio is always possible, but it means finding a place, negotiating, investing, renovating, decorating. And that’s just to get the doors open. To do all this while we’re still in the process of litigation with our ex-landlord to recover our investment from the first studio is challenging. So a new studio is not on the top of the list of things to do right now. Which leaves me asking the question, what am I doing?
As a self-employed, conscious r.evolutionary and freelance pirate of the psychic seas I don’t usually get my bread from the usual baskets. Although my university education is in business, my real work, and the development that I am most proud of, is my work with personal and community development, facilitating empowerment through creative expression, empathy training, and compassionate communication, as well as the righteous celebration of life.
You don’t find ads for work like that in the classifieds. And even when one does pull all the pieces together, they generally are connected to smaller tributaries of the main economic flow. So, I have a vision. A vision to create, with a small group of facilitators and performers, a community that models and facilitates the shifts necessary to reach our next step in human evolution, whatever that may be, perhaps from people motivated by fear to people motivated by love. A community that supports each other in the blossoming of awareness and the discovery of personal truth. This is my work.
But today, I’m having a little trouble doing my work. Although last night B and I made up, and made out, the ice is thin these days and I hardly even know how we cracked through it today into icy water. We’ve spent the day together, barely talking. Lately, we’ve been making up a lot, but not really making through. We’ve avoided a lot of communicating, both of us flying the flag of, I won’t be heard anyway even if I say something. So it builds and builds. And it pops through in the most unsuspecting places.
One thing I know, is that no matter what anybody else does or says, I know my pain is always my own. And I know it comes from not loving myself fully and accepting myself wholly.
So I’ve got my work cut out for me. The shift happens slowly. We went to the ashram, and then to the hot springs. Bernice massaged my sore back in the hot water and for the first time all day more than our hands touched. We love each other. We both know that. But it is incredible how strong the resistance is to love when it’s not there on the inside. So I’m working on feeling what’s on the inside. And loving it no matter what. And trusting in myself. And celebrating all the work that has been done, that is being done, and that there still is to do.
Tonight my work is loving and listening. We’re on our way to hear our friend Ty West play at Sleep is for Sissies. I’m going to love myself, love Bernice, and love life so I can drop the funk and have fun. Not forget the funk, or ignore the funk, or suppress the funk. Feel the funk, love the funk, hold the funk, so I can drop the funk. Because if there is any work that the world needs, that’s it. Drop the funk; and have fun.
(Ty West - Dropping da funk!)
“What do you do to get yourself out of a funk?“ is the question in 12 day journal #291
January 27, 2010
Right now, I'm feeling pretty shitty. I had a long list of things I wanted to do today. But things didn't go that way. I spend the morning at home with Bernice. Then I drove her to her first appointment with her aesthetician friend, Kim. Then I went to go pick up her bag she left at a friends’ place last night. Then I went to the skating rink to pick up Rosy. Then we went to pick up Bernice from her first appointment, got Lily, and drove Bernice to a meeting with another friend. Then I went to pick up Lily’s friend for a play-date and drove them downtown. Rosy and I tried to find a play-date with one of her friends, with no luck, so we went together to Sidewinders where we could get her something to eat, and I could get online to write a blog since I was already behind a day.
I was just finishing yesterday’s entry when Bernice walked in. We kissed. I went to my facebook page and noticed that some of my friends had commented on the post I had put there about the blog. I turned to her and said, ‘I think you might get some new readers from me writing your blog.’ She said back to me, ‘Yeah, imagine if you had flogged my blog earlier, imagine how many other readers I could have.’
It’s amazing how fast the energy can turn cold and distant so quickly. For two people who love each other so much, we can really obscure that love in a hurry. I told her I was upset because I’ve been working hard to help her out, and it seemed like I was being dumped on instead of appreciated. She told me she was upset that I haven’t promoted her blog on facebook and been more supportive that way.
Sidewinders was closing, and we were the last ones in there. We packed up and left, both clearly bitter. We walked to the car in silence. Then I handed her the keys. I said, ‘I’m not going to go home with you.’ She said, ‘Come on Rosy, let’s go.’
Now I’m sitting in another café, which is about to close, pissed off mostly at how volatile our relationship can be; how easily we are both hurt; how much resentment we hold onto from the past. And I’m writing about it. Doing my best to own my part in it. It would have been easy for me to say to Bernice, ‘Oh, I didn’t realize you wanted me to promote your blog on my facebook.’ Or, ‘Sorry your not feeling supported by me. I see how important to you it is. I bet you’d love it if I was more helpful in celebrating your work.’
Instead I let my hurt feelings stand in the way of the deep down heart-knowing that I want to be in connection with this woman, not in conflict. Agh!
So, what do I do? I’m getting kicked out of another café now. Maybe it’s a sign. Hit send. Go home. Find love.
“How do you find your way back to love?“ is the question in 12 day journal #290
January 26, 2010
This video is a performance that incorporates a lot of contact improv and acro balance. I think it’s beautiful. It was sent to me by a friend who Bernice and I are creating a performance with for a show in May.
We are very early in the planning stages, still crystallizing some ideas; though we are not without plenty of raw material. Our friend and I share a mutual attraction. We have acknowledged it, as well as our priority to our primary partners. We’ve even acted on it a little. Only a little, though. Connecting with others can be a delicate process in open relationships. We both want everyone to feel comfortable, respected, safe, and honoured.
Fear, jealousy, insecurity, and sadness are experiences everyone has. Being polyamorous is a lifestyle choice that creates opportunities to really look at the source of these reactions. Many people, when they learn about polyamory, reject it as a lifestyle choice because they don’t want to confront their jealousies. In my experience, jealousy can be overwhelming. When I try to avoid it our push it down, I find that it wreaks havoc on my emotional life. When I meet my fears and insecurities, speak about what I am scared of, step into my experience rather than run away from it, I find that it eases, melts, and subsides, to be replaced with greater trust, increased understanding, and the seeming paradox of both more freedom and connection.
Our performance is about transformation, where death meets life in the cocoon of potential. It is about the polarity of masculine and the feminine in form and relationship. It’s about creation and destruction, chaos and divine order, fear and faith.
Fear and faith; that’s a big one. I’ve been learning lots about faith, and the fear that stands in its way. I see how much it is my choice; how I have the opportunities to choose faith, and trust, to let what I know deep down in my heart guide me rather then the emotional and psychological storms on my surface.
I love it when life collides with art. It reminds me of one of those really big paintings with colour splattered all over it. I wonder what our performance will turn out like. I wonder what our life will turn out like. And I marvel at the wonder of it all.
“How do you turn life into art?” is the question in 12 day journal #289
January 25, 2010
I imagine there are people who have read this blog wondering who I am, what my story is, and why I am where I am. So I’m going to breathe some life into a story that Bernice has already told you, with a few of my own details.
Bernice and I met in June of last year. I had spent the winter in a three month intensive with a community I started using a guiding vision of empathy-based co-creativity. We worked for three months on empathy training, personal and community development, and authentic, improvisation performance using music, theatre, and dance. Coming so close to realizing the kind of community I dream of being a part of, I realized how important a committed, long-term nucleus of tribe was to support a growing desire within me.
To help with my search I wrote a list, a very detailed list, describing the woman I wanted to find. A month later, mid-way through our summer tour, we put on a show in Nelson. Bernice was there with a friend. I fell in love with her right away. On the dance floor, during our show, our connections were slight, but not unnoticed. Afterwards, the chemistry of our beings began to mingle. At the Velvet Underground, after the show, we found a couch in the back room with a heart shaped pillow and unravelled a magical story together.
We discovered in each other another who shares hopes and dreams for a life of community, art, growth, celebration, devotion, and joy. After only six hour of knowing me she said, ‘On the new moon, I went to the river and prayed. I asked for a man to come into my life; someone who shares my passion for dance, who is on a compassionate path, with a similar communication style, and who is nice to me. And I think you might be him.’
My jaw dropped. I knew I needed to speak, to respond to her openness, to let her know how happy I was to hear what she had said. But I was made speechless by this incredible goddess. Finally, I said, ‘A month ago, I wrote a long list describing the woman I am calling into my life; someone to facilitate with, someone to play with, someone on a compassionate path, a woman in her power, the list goes on, and I think you are everything on that list, all I need to do is to convince you to have a baby with me.’
Now I was out there. Waiting for her response.
She smiled. She told me about a feeling she had. That she might have another baby, if she met a man she wanted to be with who wanted a child. She knew she wasn’t going to have any babies after 37. I asked her how old she was. She told me she was 35.
Something magical was happening. We both knew it. The magnificence of our meeting was undeniable. People around us saw it. We felt it. An eerie feeling of knowing and belonging permeated our encounter.
‘This rarely happens,’ she said, ‘but tonight my house is empty. Would you like to stay over?’ We made love that night for the first time.
After only two and a half days together, Bernice and I then spent almost a month apart. I saw her next when I came to Nelson to watch her in the fashion show at the beginning of July, and then steal her to the coast to join us in our last two shows in Victoria and Cortes Island. We spent 39 days straight together after that. I became convinced that Bernice was going to be the mother of my baby. And although there is no baby, yet, we have been flirting with the possibility ever since. If I had met myself, I would have told myself I was crazy. It’s too soon to know. You need more time. How can you be sure? But this was a knowing I can’t explain. One that wasn’t meant to make sense. Now I live with Bernice, her husband Chris and their three girls, Ayla, Lily and Rosy, in our small house on the mountain above Nelson.
So for those who wonder, ‘What’s a single, travelling, anarcho-buddhist, minimalist, conscious dance culture catalyst and general renegade of the ordinary doing living the domestic life with a family of five?’ The answer, ‘Because I have found the woman I want to make a life and a baby with.’ It’s not all easy. I’m sure you know that. But we’re learning to make it easier. Remembering we love each other. Remembering to trust each other. And we are focusing on getting Bernice healthy. Because one day soon, we are going to make a baby.
Today’s post is about life, sharing life, living life, making life. And adding a little new life, to an old story.
“Have you ever made a decision with your heart that didn’t make sense to your mind?” is the question in 12 days journal #288
January 24, 2010
It is auspicious that today, the first day I am writing Bernice's blog entry, what is most alive for me, is death.
Today, after rehearsal, Bernice and a friend went to Dominion Cafe, and I went to Oso. As I was climbing the stairs I heard my name called from up the road. It was Dorthy, Bernice's mom. Before I was halfway to meet her I could see her crying. She held out her arms and told me, 'I need someone to hold me. My Uncle Len died.'
Uncle Len was like a second father to Dorothy. When she was two his mother died and he moved in with Dorothy's family. In Oso, I watched tears stream down her face while she was telling me about the doll house she got for her birthday, each tiny roofing shake hand painted by her father and Uncle Len.
He died Wednesday night in England. They didn't find her number til Sunday morning. Len and his wife had been moved to a home by social services on Christmas day, fearing they were unable to take care of themselves. Len died a month later, in his sleep. Dorthy's phone number, and many of their things still in their apartment.
But even before the phone call, Dorothy felt him, Thursday in Gyro park. On a park bench, Alanah, her son's dog, pressed herself against Dorthy while she cried for two hours, thinking about her uncle. If she doesn't make the funeral, she knows she had her good-bye.
I don't know what happens when we die. -- I leave all possibilities open, and the impossible. -- But I know what it's like to be alive, and to feel the pain of loss. I sat with Dorothy to hold her when she needed holding, and hear her while she felt the pain of losing someone she loved. I believe this is how we make it through the most difficult times, by holding each other, and being witnessed, witnessing ourselves in the depth of our pain, where love lives, vulnerable, and open.
There is some kiss we want.
There is some kiss we want.
There is some kiss we want,
With our whole lives.
I trust that to kiss raw experience, the depth of joy, and the depth of pain, sweetness comes, ideas melt, the bitter tea of loss is soothed with the honey of acceptance, and the beauty of life is celebrated. I saw honey in the tears in Dorothy's eyes. And as they splashed to the table I heard them say, ‘We love you Uncle Len.’
As we left Oso, kindly unmolested by the closing staff cleaning around us, Bernice appeared with our friend, having come from a comisseration of anther kind of pain. Now I am looking for honey. I know I'm involved in this one. But I'll save that for tomorrow. Today is about death. Tomorrow, life...
“How do you say good-bye when you have lost a love one?“ is the question in 12 days journal #287
January 23, 2010
The other day when I was sick, worrying that I could not continue, complete the final leg of this project, I came up with a back up plan, asking Michael to take it over. By morning I had regained perspective and knew I could continue, that I had the ability to modulate this experience to meet my needs...but the idea of Michael writing my blog intrigued me.
Every day he has the benefit of reading about what is going on for me...he also has the special torture of every day reading about what is going on for me. These entries go out into the world, sometimes even before he and I have dealt with things....I imagine this can be difficult at times. Well now I don’t HAVE to imagine anymore, I get to experience it!
(Taken this Summer by Michael’s Sister, Poppy)
I commit, for the next 12 days, to allow Michael to write my blog entries. I commit to using this time to both get a break, do some much needed doodling and to catch up on making journals which despite my commitment to truth telling I am not going to say how far behind I am, it is embarrassing! I am also going to experience what it is like to have details from my own life exposed, perhaps in a way that I don’t agree with or like. On the flip side, I know Michael loves me deeply, I trust him and know that his intention is to grow deeper and deeper into our life together, into our families life together.
I am both excited and frightened...kinda that same feeling I get when I have just commitment to riding a roller coaster. The safety bar has now locked in place, I can feel the cars beginning to move, the only thing to do now is hold on.
This blog depicts a sliver of my life. Any daily entry deals with how I was feeling in the moment when I had the experience I am writing about, this gets combined with where I am at emotionally and mentally while I am writing. Sometimes it isn’t about an experience at all but an idea or musing. I can imagine that it is often interpreted that what I write must be the most pertinent or important part of that day, but this is not always true. A lot of times my subject matter is determined by the specific moments I decide (or get a chance to) sit down and write, I don’t often pre plan entries, I go with what percolates to the top of my consciousness. You might read something that by the time it is published is no longer the way I look at things. This blog is but a sliver. I have not written about Kelly and Chris for a while, not because it is not important, it is just the way things have turned out. There is also the fact that I don’t really know what is going on with them outside of what I hear in passing from them both. I know Chris is taking space to get better and Kelly is taking space...period. I work really hard to keep my writing very careful, to not extrapolate or say what others did or how they feel, and I screw up plenty. It is sometimes hard for me to know when I am projecting, it is the nature of projection after all. My intention is to be very careful, which has meant in the case of Chris and Kelly that I have stayed away from discussing their relationship here on the blog. This in no way detracts from my gratitude for what Kelly has brought into our family or how she is a part of it no matter what level her relationship with Raabis is on.
(Chris and Kelly, taken at Diversity this summer, the same weekend Kelly, Chris and Lily first met Michael)
This blog and the commitment which drives it has changed my life in ways I never imagined. It didn’t start out as a vehicle for truth and transparency but it sure ended up that way. I never expected to have my level and quality of transparency called into question, I mean I understand it, I just didn’t see it coming. It has been challenging to vulnerably put so much of myself out into the world and then hear that some people are hurt by what they read, that they question my intention. My intention was to get as close as I could to finding my truth intermingled with the truth of others, all the while being sensitive. Even then, even when I have worked to be careful people still get hurt. I know Michael has had to deal with this a lot, we have had more than one argument which stemmed from a blog entry! I have heard through the grapevine, a grapevine which I generally don’t participate in because when I do I start editing myself, that there are others out there who are upset by my choice to tell my truth. I am not sure what to say about this.
“I am sorry”?
“I understand why this is hard”?
“I hear that you are upset“?
What I can say for certain is I will continue to do my best to speak truth while being careful. This is important to me, I really do believe in what I am doing here. To some who know me this may seem hypocritical or deluded, you may see things in me that seem so God damn obvious and wonder “Why doesn’t she write about THAT if truth is so important?!”. The answer is likely that I don’t see it...yet, or that I am afraid. I want you all to know I really am doing my best, that if you feel hurt by this blog or I seem to be missing the mark, that this is not my intention. My goal is for my intention, which is liberation through as much truth and awareness as I can muster, to shine through. I do this with an even larger intention of bringing joy, ease, and celebration into this beautiful world. I am not asking anyone to like what I am doing here, just to remember that I love you, you who is reading this sentence....I love YOU. The rest we can sort out when we are both ready.
“Is there a loved one in your life who was hurt by your actions, despite this not being your intention?” is the question in 12 day journal #286
January 22, 2010
I went to Fusion, my favourite fancy restaurant in town. The Food is amazing, the prices reasonable and the chef/owner adorable. His name is Jamie. We met at the restaurant which is about to turn 5 years old. We flirted, joked and learned more about each other all while he made me tenderloin, scallops, spatzle, crispy fried green beans with a sweet delicious hoisen sauce. For dessert he created a chocolate lava cake with ice cream and a shot of expresso vodka. The whole meal was absolutely decadent and delicious. I even had left over lava cake to take to my girlfriends place afterwards.
While at Fusion Jamie and I spoke about writing a cook book together. Later I spoke with another friend, an elder, who agreed to work together, exchanging ideas and inspiration, a muse contract. It is time for me to start visioning my writing and how it is going to fit into my life once this project is done. I am ready to start making some money from writing, it is time to start the process of submission to magazines and other publications. I have resisted up until now because I can’t stand the rejection part of it all. I have done a fair amount of work on rejection though in the last 2 years, I am ready, I know this. I was reminded yesterday that the only way to truly be ready is to simply do something. For now I am focused on completing the next 70ish days and will continue to consciously create life after 12 days 2 inspire.
“What gift/s have you given yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #285
January 21, 2010
Michael said today, as he pushed the shopping cart through Save-on-Foods, that he has made a lot of quick changes in his time, that he is used to making drastic shifts in his lifestyle, navigating the changes, which I imagine he does with much grace. This change though, he says, has been the most drastic. He went from living with a group of adults, in an intentional community consciously designed to support its members through their awakening to themselves, to joining a family of 5 who, while also awakening and supportive, are much more chaotic and reminiscent of his own childhood. Wow... can you imagine? He is taking a crash course in family and parenting. Like parents we learn to fulfill the needs we have for intimacy and one on one by being creative. Here enters the grocery store in this story. We are surrounded by people, but usually it is easy for us to have an extended conversation. I kiss him a lot and he finds opportunities to grab my butt. We talk about what to get and this leads to conversations about the kids and Chris and we process right along side the bologna, which we do not purchase.
I love wild and crazy Shambala Michael, the one who will stay up all night and try just about anything. His experience seeking Sadhu nature is what drew me to him, what captivated me and helped me to emerge from my cocoon. I am watching his emergence as well. Alongside the creative, performing, change-the-world one-heart-at-a-time Michael that I met on June 6th, is the father that he is becoming. I remember siting by the ocean on Cortes Island, filled with pride as he expressed himself so eloquently. He said “I am moving to Nelson to start a family“. And this is exactly what he did. His method was certainly unorthodox, he is Michael Sheely after all. He is becoming more and more a parent to my children, and more and more a brother with Chris.
As for he and I, we are doing great. Challenging so many status quo’s, creating such drastic change in both of our lives produced a bit of a bumpy beginning... we have fought a lot in the last 7 1/2 months. And every time we do, once we se through our stories and hurt feelings we find the strength to recommit to our vision, and belief in what we are creating together with our family. We remind ourselves that we love each other and that really this is all that matters. That the other stuff can be worked on, we can support each other more, understand each other more, see and hear each other more, if we commit to the love. We are finding more and more ease .
Some of you who know and love us have seen our struggles, I am sure some of you even wondered if it was worth it, sometimes the pain was so deep and overwhelming. Thank you for loving us, carrying us when we were too confused to see clearly our path. More than anything thank you for believing in us. Your love and support has made such a difference.
I want to acknowledge one person in particular, Chris. You have seen us through so many rough times, have had to assure and soothe our children at times that this choice their parents made to break out of the monogamy model and break open the world of love, was not crazy! Especially in times when it most definitely seemed completely nuts! You stood strong and supported our family vision, believed in us even when we struggled to believe in ourselves. Thank you Chrissy, from the bottom of my heart for how strong, patient and loving you have been with Michael, with our children, and with me, your wife. I love you Christopher James Raabis. Thank you for allowing me the breathing space to love many (polyamory literally means ”many loves“). You have always known how important loving people is to me, you have always seen and acknowledged my glory, even in the times when I forget.
(The Boss singing This Little Light of Mine”, SO GOOD!!”)
”Was there a time when you helped friends/a friend through a rough period in their lives?“ is the question in 12 days journal #284
January 20, 2010
I am sick, I need rest and comfort and love and joy. I am capable of making sure I get all these things, especially surrounded by so many who love me. I will be sick for a short period of time, which is perfect since I do need some restoration. I will get well in plenty of time to go back to school in February, and will also go and spend 5 days at Esalen dancing with many loved ones, renewed, refreshed. I have a back up plan for my blog, if things get hard I can get Michael to write it for a short period of time, having back up helps me to stay strong. I am going to keep a positive, optimistic and accepting of what is, knowing it is all perfect AND I am going to have a happy happy birthday.
We took a family shot on the computer on this day which marks my 36th year. Getting 6 people to hold still for the camera is no small task.
But eventually we got a great shot. Do I have a beautiful family or what?! And everyone in this pic with the exception of Michael is sick too...Michael is sporting a black eye though...wanna know how he got it? I bet you do :o
“What would a perfect birthday look like for you?” is the question in 12 days journal #283
P.S. This post went up one day late, I didn’t catch up for my birthday, but the day after is pretty damn good!
P.P.S. My journalling software kept uploading the wrong picture, I have tried a bunch of times but I can’t make it work. I am going to have to work on it tomorrow, so as it turns out this post is 2 days late, still not too shabby.
January 19, 2010
January 18, 2010
How cool is that? I am really feeling the itch to perform again. I have to prepare a 10 minute piece for school next month which answers the question “How am I now and where am I now in my process with leadership (challenges and resources)”, using spoken word, movement, drawing, voice. I am looking forward to creating this piece, performing it is another thing, the teacher we are performing these pieces in front of scares me a little. Not sure why, she is just such a force, a truly amazing being...and a little intense!
On the 13th I am also performing in Nelson Valentines Day Burlesque show in support of the women's shelter. At least I think I am, I am feeling a little too fragile to be sexy and half naked in front of a whole room of people. Burlesque isn’t about being naked, it isn’t stripping, no one will see any more of me than they would at the beach. It is about the performance, the tease or the idea of nudity, it can be very classy. The show the Mary Scarlet Rose puts on here in Nelson is fun and classy. I am debating whether to perform just because I am really having to reserve my physical and emotional energy lately and this kind of performance requires both, mostly emotional! Anyway we will see.
My plane is boarding. I missed my flight last night. The keys got locked in my rental car and my luggage was trapped in the trunk. My plane was long gone by the time it was rescued, and the next flight wasn’t until this morning. While it was certainly inconvenient, especially having to call Michael and let him know he had to find a place to stay in Spokane (which ended up being in the back of the truck!), it was an adventure too. A whole set of circumstances and people I got to experience and wouldn’t have otherwise. Like meeting Larry from Indiana who moved to the Bay 22 years ago. And the womyn who drove me to the terminal in a last ditch effort to make my plane. Eating in the Indian restaurant attached to the Econ Lodge where I had a whole king sized bed to myself...though I didn’t really want it all to myself, I like to cuddle. It was an adventure...and I am so ready to go home.
Ah they called my boarding number so I have to go...see ya at home!
“Have you ever made a blunder which led you on an interesting journey?” is the question in 12 days journal #281
January 17, 2010
“May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart
May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression and exploitation of people
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace
May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy
May God bless you with foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor”
(One of this weeks post Secrets which I find so curious...man would I like to know the story behind this one!!)
If you have never been to Post Secrets, go read. Or better yet go to the library and read the books, they are amazing. The thing that strikes me when I read peoples secrets is how much pain is caused by hiding, that what is hidden seems to become less and less where the pain comes from and the hiding becomes the destructive force.... that is how I see it anyway.
“Are there things that you hide about yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #280
January 16, 2010
(Not one of mine, but one I found that I like, I found it here)
“What do you love to do?” is the question in 12 days journal #279
I used to love to write, now I love to doodle, I want to love to write again.
January 15, 2010
I am in San Rafael again, it is easy to get off the freeway here. There are places to eat, places to get tea and use the net, shops to peruse when I need something mindless. I was on my way to one of my usual spots when I saw a band setting up in a bar. I asked if they had WiFi and here I am listening to live music while writing this. Art begets art.
We are learning how to deal with clients who have experienced and are dealing with trauma in class this week. Ugh. Such important work, such great information, if only I could get past being so triggered by the content, get past judging myself for not being “over it”. I understand the principles behind the “wounded healer”, that those who have had experiential learning are more likely to really be able to relate to those who have had a similar experience. AND it can be really difficult not to slip back into my OWN experiences, which can send me reeling. I understand the principles to modulating this, have practised them, even taught them to others but I have to admit I still get thrown over my own stress threshold and become ineffective. I suppose it is a good thing I am still in the learning phase...I need to cut myself some slack. Mostly I just need to remember that today is just one day, one day filled with a whole lot of information about a topic which is very close to my heart and experience, that what I need is to self care. I called up a friend who gives massage, healing touch would be helpful. He wasn’t around. Ok next step. Food! Grounding nourishing food, and this is where I am at right now. I am going to stop writing, listen to the Caribbean band, watch a group of beautiful performs ooze love and eat sweet potato fries. Then go home to K.D’s place...and meditate.
(searched “trauma” on Google images and got this, not sure what it has to do with trauma but it is sure neat!)
“Have you experienced trauma?” is the question in 12 days journal #278
January 14, 2010
I was to teach my class today. Enact what we at Tamalpa call a “score”, there is an explanation of what this is in the side bar to your right. I had a GREAT score planned. In the afternoon K.D. was doing her score, her plan was to get us celebrating our Goddesses selves (our class is all womyn, just worked out that way). We ended up having a womyns circle which was beautiful and exactly what we needed. I knew her score and was going to piggyback on it. My plan was to take them to the California Academy of Natural Sciences for the weekly Nightlife event. The whole museum becomes a large low key night club. It is a 21+ event where there are bars set up around the museum alongside the aquarium and planetarium. There is DJed music and dancing. My score was to have them experience the place for a half and hour, then they were to open up the first of three instruction cards. First said:
“Notice how you have been/are making eye contact with others.”
Then in half an hour they would open the second note to find:
“Make a change, any change to how you are making eye contact.”
Then half an hour later.
“Take any theme, idea, noticing or awareness which arose within the experience of the last hour and let it inform your movement on the dance floor.”
The idea was to explicitly get them noticing their level of eye contact and eye contact habits. I chose this because I have learned a lot from observing my eye contact in the last couple of years. I was also being a bit sneaky with the more hidden intention of getting us all out dancing and relaxing together as a group, to have fun. This event at the museum is very accessible, lots of different ages, lots of different kind of folk, quite diverse. I choose it because I wanted a place which would not be confrontational but still exciting.
I understand why nobody could come. We all seem to be really full these days, in many ways. I love my classmates, they are an amazing group of womyn. Maybe I can convince them all to come out some other time? I hope so...what a lovely bunch of adorable, caring, supportive, sensitive, artistic, intuitive flakes we all are.
“Where do you like to hang out and relax?” is the question in 12 days journal #277
January 13, 2010
San Rafael is kind of a ritzy place, not wild and cosmopolitan like San Francisco. If I would have went into San Francisco I would have found many amazing dinning choices...but then I would have had to drive downtown San Francisco, so it wasn’t worth it. If I would have made my plane I would have arrived with plenty of time to eat, would have went to Cafe Gratitude, for delicious raw cuisine, or Sol Food for Puerto Rican food that is way beyond delicious, but I didn’t and so I am taking what I can get.
I arrived in the Bay Area at just after 9:00, went to get my car rental which didn’t materialize. I rented another at double the cost, ugh. Lost my cell phone. Found my cell phone. Called home and found out the neighbours had called the cops on Chris because his truck got stuck in the driveway and he couldn’t move it...crazy night!
Anyway I am in California. I am going to school tomorrow. Teaching tomorrow actually. Even with all this drama (I didn’t even tell you about the drama that happened on the way TO the airport!) I still consider myself blessed to be able to come here for school, to have such a wonderful and supportive family, to have this life. I love being me.
Night Night. I am off to my friend K.D.’s to snuggle into bed, call Michael and do our evening meditation.
“Where is your favorite place to eat?” is the question in 12 days journal #276
January 12, 2010
None of my children have ever had antibiotics, surgery (other than stitches), we don’t use much in the way of medical intervention, we believe the body is fully capable of healing most everything.
I believe illness is a necessary part of life, that while I have called it “being sick” it would be more accurate to call it an intense period of healing. The body needs opportunities to go into hyper healing mode,repair, rebuild, renew. I also believe that often times this period lasts longer than the outward symptoms do. Lily and Chris will both be far stronger when this is over.
The thing I am most worried about is how many movies my family has been watching, we went from media free to freely consuming media! Well not exactly, we are still monitoring what they watch but the other day I made the mistake of getting them Coraline, I have no idea what I was doing!! Now Rosy is afraid of the dark at bedtime... silly mama.
“What is the sickest you have ever been?” is the question in 12 days journal #275
I asked Michael the other day if he would do a 12 day commitment with me. To meditate in a very specific way every morning and every night. It is a meditation which is explained here at the bottom of the page. He eagerly agreed. We are committed to meditating together each morning and evening EVEN when in different countries. We have committed to being together in this meditative state and connecting as deeply as possible no matter the circumstances. We are committed to doing so even if we are out of sync, feeling angry or hurt, this one will take real resolve and commitment. We are committed to our connection and our growth both together and as individuals.
January 11, 2010
Who am I kidding? We end up talking, going outside so he can have a smoke, I held his coffee, he asked me to. It seemed a little funny, too close, too soon, but I let that go, I was just holding his coffee after all, not meeting his mother! He told me I was kind, said “we like kind people better than assholes”. When I inquired about who “we” were thinking perhaps he meant “men”, he told me that it is just a habit, something that he started a little over 11 years ago, he refers to himself in the third person. I may have scoffed at this before, remembered the infamous Seinfeld episode where “Jimmy” refers to himself in the third person, where Jimmy is made out to be full of himself. I didn’t think of this though, not now. Not now that I understand better what a head injury does to a person.
Over a decade ago Ryan spent 6 weeks in a coma, he was never expected to live. His new friend, a boy he had met a week earlier didn’t survive the crash. Ryan was 18 at the time. He tells me about the sunny side of his situation, calls himself “semi retired”, speaks of the home that he will inherit since he still lives with his mother. The sadness seeps out though when he talks about the care worker who fell in love with him, and him her, how she left and how he doesn’t blame her, says he wouldn’t have stayed as long as she did. She lives in Toronto now, with someone new.
My funk, the words that stung, had a new perspective. Not so much that “things could be worse” or “there is always someone who has it worse than you!”, these two ideas don’t help me to honour my feelings and have me judging others situations as “worse”. More it was just experiencing the company of this man, my new friend Ryan. I was present and not living in the past thinking about the painful words of loved one, or in the future constructing how it may unfold. Nope, I was in neither place, I was just here, with Ryan, listening to the stories and ideas of another. I was practising my New Years resolution. To truly experience the moment, without stories from the past or future, as much as possible to just experience any given moment for what it is. Ryan helped me to remember this today, when cane in hand and nearly paralysed on his left side he had the courage to ask a beautiful womyn to share a table. He told me later that he knew his “stick” (meaning his cane) and his pretty face would win me over. I told him that I had learned from him, learned from the way he owned his glory. He laughed and said he had no idea what I was talking about but liked the way I spoke. It was a beautiful moment and I am proud to say I fully experienced it, and will continue to practice this for the rest of the year making it a life long habit.
“How fully do you experience life?” is the question in 12 days journal #274
January 10, 2010
I want to live more in community. I want to experience more moments coming together with people and sharing simple pleasures. I can feel it coming, I feel a shift in our living arrangements coming. I see us all together, our big blended poly family, and I see more people too.
I still treasure my alone time, oh my God do I need alone time! I need time to reflect, regroup and then I can reconnect. What I want is for a living situation where I can be alone when I need to be, where I can be intimate with others, have one on one time when I want it, and then be able to easily access a group when I want to be social. I want to live in a home conducive to artist expression of many kinds. Where there are quiet places to sleep, meditate, and rest without this meaning others have to be quiet to accommodate it. I want to live in a community where everyone doesn’t need a space of their own, where we can share and lessen our footprint on this planet, BUT where there are always places to go to be alone, and to have this respected and honoured. I want it all...and I believe I can have it.
Recently we were at Intention Alberta, a 5 day New Years festival. It was freezing outside and the indoor spaces were packed with lovely folk. It was beautiful that so many people wanted to be there, the flip side was it was hard to get away. This was addressed by there being a Psych Crisis room, which is wonderful. I wonder though if there were more ways for us to take space and time within community if there would be less crisis?
Let me cut to the chase here. We are all creations, everyone of us was created through the act of sex. Whether we are having it or not sex is one thing we all have in common, it is how we came to exist. Sexuality is part of human community and culture, there is no arguing this. So does it not make sense to admit this and consider it when creating community?
There is a tent which travels from festival to festival in the summer time, The Sacred Energy eXchange (S.E.X.) Temple. It’s purpose is to give people a safe place to make love. Sound crazy? Sound perverse? Sound dangerous? If so perhaps check in with why sex causes such a stir inside when it is a necessary part of our existence as a species. There are rules to using the tent. You must be a member, anyone can become a member you only need read and agree to the guidline for using the tent which mostly includes respect and integrity. You must enter the tent with a partner, it is not a place to go looking for sex, but a place to go with a partner if you are looking for a space to have sex. I myself have never been inside of this tent. When I first heard of it it pushed some buttons. Now having lived for 5 days in a community setting where finding a place to make love presented quite the challenge, I see that the S.E.X Temple is an idea whose time has come!
Space and time to make love is a necessary part of sustainable community. Making love can be a sacred act, one which even without creating a child creates love and connection. This world needs more love, more human connection. We need more places to make love without being chastised, told to “Get a room!”. How often have you heard this? Perhaps even said it? Why is it that people kissing and loving each other in public is met with so much resistance? Seems crazy to want to stop people from expressing love in public.
The other day I was sitting in the Coconut Lounge, and noticed there was only one couch in the whole place, the rest of the seating is comfy chairs. It made having an intimate conversation difficult and cuddling was out of the question as the couch was being used by a single womyn. I mentioned this imbalance in seating to a friend, he told me that they used to have more couches but people would “just come and make out”, so they got rid of the couches. Now people come to the Coconut Lounge, turn on their computers and disappear into their own little insular world, I rarely observe conversation. Tell me, do you believe the world needs more places to disappear into a computer screen or more places where people connect person to person? I know what my answer is, I vote for MORE COUCHES!
Wow this is the longest post I have written in a long while! The topic of lovemaking inspires me, what can I say ;o)
“What do you think of the way sex is treated in our culture?” is the question in 12 days journal #273
January 9, 2010
Reading the last few of sentences might have you guessing that I am in a bit of a rambly, existential mind place, and would likely just dither if I continued writing. So instead I am going to do a google image search with the word “time”, then search “time” on you tube and present you with the coolest thing I find...here I go.
Ok first this
THIS is what I am talking about, this is how time seems to be progressing lately...down the golden mean rabbit hole! Or down the RAABIS hole as Michael might say.
Next I am off to you tube....
Ahh, I found the perfect thing. Time, by Pink Floyd. Trippy video, PLUS they are a bunch of cool old people, this vid has it all.
“Do you consider yourself to be old?” is the question in 12 days journal #272
January 8, 2010
The caterpillar's new cells are called 'imaginal cells.'
They are so totally different from the caterpillar cells
that his immune system thinks they are enemies... and gobbles them up.
But these new imaginal cells continue to appear. More and more of them!
Pretty soon, the caterpillar's immune system
cannot destroy them fast enough.
More and more of the imaginal cells survive.
And then an amazing thing happens!
The little tiny lonely imaginal cells start to clump together
into friendly little groups.
They all resonate together at the same frequency,
passing information from one to another.
Then, after awhile, another amazing thing happens!
The clumps of imaginal cells start to cluster together!
A long string of clumping and clustering imaginal cells,
all resonating at the same frequency,
all passing information from one to another there inside the chrysalis.
Then at some point,
the entire long string of imaginal cells
suddenly realizes all together
that it is something different from the caterpillar.
Something new! Something wonderful!
...and in that realization
is the shout of the birth of the butterfly!
Since the butterfly now "knows" that it is a butterfly,
the little tiny imaginal cells
no longer have to do all those things individual cells must do.
Now they are part of a multi-celled organism—
A FAMILY who can share the work.
Each new butterfly cell can take on a different job—
There is something for everyone to do.
And everyone is important.
And each cell begins to do just that very thing it is most drawn to do.
And every other cell encourages it to do just that.
A great way to organize a butterfly!"
*Adapted Version of Nori Huddle's story from her book, Butterfly”
I found this HERE
There is a very reassuring note at the end of the page:
“If you are an imaginal cell in your family, in your workplace, in your community, in your political system, in your spiritual viewpoints, in your global world; know that you are not alone and know that what you do to improve life for your fellow man does matter and it does add weight to the collective consciousness of humanity. You may feel like you are completely alone in your battle, but know that there are others who agree, or who are so inspired by seeing you put it all on the line that they will be finally brave enough to step forward making their agreement with you known. Skye Thomas.”
“Do you feel isolated?” is the question in 12 days journal #271
January 7, 2010
I was going to write you out a long post about being polyamorous, do some more explaining, educating....but I decided I am actually not going to. I am tired, super overwhelmed with my work load, and don’t think I could do the topic much justice right now. So here is a LINK to an online article called Polyamory 101. While I don’t agree with everything Franklin Veaux says this FAQ style article is informative and easy to read, a great starting point for people to understand this not so new relationship/family choice.
(A little funny I found on the net)
“Is there something about you which you family finds hard to accept?” is the question in 12 days journal #270
January 6, 2010
The whole family put them together, well except Ayla who has disappeared into book land since getting sick. Michael started working on Lily’s bed while Chris took Rosy’s. Both girls helped, screwing in screws with alan keys, fetching needed parts and tools. I would like to tell you they are both now fast asleep tucked into their new beds, but they are not. All this sickness has messed with their systems and they are having a really hard time sleeping. They are in their bed though, and seem cozy and content.
I have said it many many times, if polyamory was just about sex, it would be so easy! But it is not, it is about relationship, family, giving, receiving, stepping up, some times choosing greater good over instant gratification. It is about having it all, AND accepting the responsibility which comes along with that. Watching Chris and Michael assemble beds for my babies was a beautiful experience in the every day of our polyamorous family.
“Who are your family?” is the question in 12 days journal #269
January 5, 2010
“Just experience this moment, and only this moment, don’t add any story from the future or past”
This is the advice that comes in over and over, from where I am too embarrassed to say. It seems simple, and it is, ordinary even. My friend K.D. and I talk a lot about how the simple things, the things that were once so very ordinary are now what we struggle to accomplish most . The extraordinary on the other hand seems to make all the sense in the world; these things fall into place, click- click- click, in a fantastic manner I could not have even dreamed up, or perhaps I did and that is how it all works.
I call my girlfriend again, still no answer. She is not in this moment, not really part of my ‘now’ but I am trying to pull her in anyway. Desperate for comfort that doesn’t come at a cost. Desperate to not feel the worry accompanied with the idea of posting this entry on the blog and dealing with the fallout.
What do I really want? What is this all about? I want to mourn what happened on New Years Day, and I feel anxious and fragile because can’t find the physical or emotional space to do this...God I miss the studio.
My friend came, she hugged me while I cried just outside the cafe. We came back inside, sat down, chatted, others arrived. The pain is gone, the sadness lingers but I know from a whole 36 years worth of experience that it too will fade. As for this moment, this one I am in right now, I feel my fingers hitting keys, have awareness around who occupies the seats surrounding me, there is music behind the bustle of voices. I look up, make eye contact, human connection, love. Ahhh... What a lovely moment.
“What do you do that helps you to remain present to the current moment?” is the question in 12 days journal #268
January 4, 2010
I tried a bath, it helped, calmed me down, a little self care can go a long way. Perhaps eating? Maybe time? I am reticent to try talking because of the way my anger sadness and frustration affect my voice....ugh. I hate this. I sure hope things get better today...sigh.
“What makes you grumpy?” is the question in 12 days journal #267
January 3, 2010
As I sit travelling back to BC, leaving the province I lived in for 28 years, a place I never felt I belonged, I let tears fall down my cheeks. These tears come as I consciously acknowledge to myself just how lonely and isolated I have felt while going through a transformation I am afraid to name. Afraid of judgement, this time with full knowledge of how uncomfortable it might be if I do. So for now I will not give anything a name. I will take a baby step and offer this:
There has not been any part of me that has not changed since the summer Solstice, my ideas, my body, my relationships, my sexuality, my plans, my heart, they are all new. Some things remain, my commitment to finding ease in my connection with spirit through knowing myself, this is still steady as the mountains which are emerging in the distance, a sign that we are nearing my mountain home. I suppose this dedication to divine connection may be the “why?” behind this transformation.
(“Transformation by Amy Ledbetter http://www.ledbetterart.com/ )
”Have you gone through a period of rapid growth in your life time?“ is the question in 12 days journal #266
January 2, 2010
See you all next year at Intention Alberta 4.
“What changes have you seen in yourself over the last year?” is the question in 12 days journal #265
January 1, 2010
I believe I had a miscarriage. I will never know for sure. I haven’t had a proper moon (period) in a long time now, chalked it up to how low my weigh had become. Then this morning I started to bleed, thought my moon had finally come. Then it got painful, really painful, and I recognized the pain was following a pattern, peaks and valleys...labour. I was bleeding heavily, I didn’t know what was happening. By the time I had some clarity on what was happening I was in an altered state, felt like an animal, couldn’t convey to those around me what was going on. I had moments of being fine and thinking I was imagining it, then BOOM back into the pain. If it was a miscarriage I could have been only just pregnant or up to 10 weeks. My cycle has been all over the place since the summer, it is a possibility that I what I experienced was simply the most painful moon of my entire life, but when I add up all the signs it points to miscarriage, my heart says miscarriag. Like I say I will never know for sure.
The hardest part was that Michael and I argued right before it began. We have been deeply connected since coming back together 4 days ago, then things got hairy. I couldn’t communicate what was going on, how could I? I didn’t know. How could he have known either? I just seemed to be going wild. In the end we reconnected, we made the best of the situation, but it was far from the kind of love and communion we are capable of. I know we both feel a lot of regret and sadness at how things went down.
The second hardest part is that Michael wants a child really badly. This was hard on him, for many reasons.
In a way it was a terrible thing to experience at a winter gathering. There was nowhere to go, no privacy. Bleeding behind a curtain while workshops were going on was rough. But there was also this swelling of so many hearts, people came together to support both Michael and I, which was especially needed since we weren’t able to fully connect through it. Jennifer, a mama with 3 kids who has had an unassisted birth and understood my birth ethic was an angel from heaven, she was my rock. Emilo, Joey, Linda, Casey, Tad, Remo, Acaiah, Terra, all people who 4 days ago I didn’t even know, swooped in like family and carried us. Thank you all, I am so grateful for you.
I found this picture on the Intention website. I am not sure who created it, or the story behind it. I do know that when I look at it, it feels VERY familiar. Ease will eventually emerge, I know this, right now though I feel as though I am weathering the storm.
“What do you do when you are not getting the support you desire?” is the question in 12 days journal #264