March 27, 2010

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...


It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel.

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. In this entry from June 12th I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it, is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty.

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now, as I write this entry we are living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I was just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous. Wanting to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I was also pining for another love, one I would see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is what 15 years of being in a family has taught me, that family is struggles and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of my love filled summer road trip with Michael. My reading tomorrow will be of the time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.


  1. Q. Do you find it difficult to trust?
    A. Yes I do. Somewhere in my early life trusting had the inevitable outcome of me ending up looking like a complete idiot. Being made fun of, falling over or into something, being rejected,abandoned or ignored.
    I trusted my parents but they could turn nasty sometimes, I trusted my sister but she was not always interested in what I was interested in. I trusted teachers for a while, but they were often disappointing and sometimes sadistic. I trusted doctors, like my parents did, but this ended with pain and suffering and occasionally the loss of a body part

    So after enough of that, I decided not to trust anyone, far safer. I could reject people before they rejected me. Safer but lonely. Then, as teenager I discovered girls and love, or lust, or obsession, or whatever it was. And I found I could get hurt, rejected and abandoned all over again! This time driven by a new powerful force that kept me going on the face of all that, plus looking for people and situations that would fulfill the expectations that my life up to then had created.

    Finally at some point I had become an almost complete self-fulfilling prophesy machine, like many people around me and I could create much the same outcome from any set of circumstances.
    That point was around the time my marriage ended and since then the job has been deconstructing most of my former life and letting go of everything that does not resemble love and empowerment.
    Sometimes I'm surprised how trustworthy and trusting some people are

  2. Not with the people I know and love well. With strangers or new people in my life, it takes time, unless there are one of those amazing moments when you just connect almost instantly and the trust is just there right from the beginning. But that is generally rare. It takes time, but I think that's probably the way it should be.