The Dawning... Water and Fire

Friday the 7th... of course this entry would come at the culmination of the first 7 day cycle in a new Gregorian year.

It came to me today, I am here NOW to experience La Nina, this I KNOW. I came to Mexico while her feminine is running wild, and of course I came to experience it in the land of the sun, the land of fire. I am in town which is struggling to keep its main industry alive despite economic downturn and a recent drop in tourism due to fear of violent crime. As if this wasn’t enough they are being taunted by the unpredictable flow of ocean river and rain, bridges washed out, main streets ripped up, plumbing failing... Aya Curamba!

Since I have arrived the feminine and masculine aspects of nature have finally agreed to work things out, they are my teachers . The moon agreed to allow the suns light to leave her, to be cleansed, made new while full. She became whole, all things at once. The sun became a crescent, softening his edges, opened himself to understanding the moons often overlooked duty as the one who carries light at a time of darkness. Today I understand how these things fit together. Today I went into ceremony.

Today I finally tasted a Mexican delicacy which I have wanted to experience since I arrived. I found it in a womyn name Alicia... a Goddess as complete and lovely as the moon when she is full and new, and as a sun who embodies a moon to know her soul.

Thank you Alicia. Thank you for being one of my Angels.

“Who are your Angels?” is the questions for today’s journal.



And while water runs amuck here in Mexico, fire has laid his hand on my home town of Nelson, British Columbia. The Kerr, a beautiful old building that housed nearly 50 community members is now a charred stone shell. The night before it burned Chris and I were talking about how Nelson could really use a Plaza. Every Mexican town seems to have one, a natural gathering place in the middle of town where community organically happens. No need for a potluck or even a meeting time, just show up at the plaza to see who’s there. I imagined this plaza in Nelson would have to be close to Oso, which is already a natural gathering spot. I said to Chris that the lot where the Kerr was would be perfect. Imagine my shock when I logged on the next day to see the images of it in flames.

So many people lost their homes, I don’t even know yet if there were lives lost, I haven’t had good enough internet access to read about the grieving. I have heard via an email from my mother that the community is gathering to support the residents of the Kerr. A historic building with a strong shadow side which housed many community members who struggle to make ends meet. A friend of mine was suppose to be housesitting in the building that day, he was the first I thought of. I felt sick until I knew he was ok. It helped me to feel how much I love him, how big a hole would be left if he were to disappear from my life.

A phoenix always rises from the ashes. Cleansing can be painful and the loss of this monument like building will be felt for a long while in Nelson. My hope is that the phoenix in this situation will be a new plaza and open air city block, maybe with two of the walls left standing. I smile as I imagine it filled with benches and trees, a place for everyone. I am sending so much love home to you all, please take care of each other. Be each others Angels.

As for my Angel for today, sweet Alicia. I want you to know I have your mothers manuscript. You left it in your room. I have concocted many stories about why it got left behind. Maybe to cleanse, allow a phoenix to arise from the deaths you have experienced? Maybe it was an accident and I will get to bring it to you in L.A? I can visit my God daughter and you my newest God sister.

You are a bright beautiful light my love. Keep on balancing, in the water, on the snow, in your own heart. Balance is the key to beating 50/50 odds hun. No matter what happens you call if you need help, and I will come. <3

Day 8 Easy- Home sweet Home

Summer is really coming...you know how I know? We had our first wiener and marshmallow roast tonight. I came home to find Chris and our new neighbour, Seth, in the back yard with the girls, they were already into the marshmallows. We all shot the Rosy’s bow for a while (yes you read that right Ruthie, my 7 year old has her own bow, I am sure you will get a smile out of Roger with that one), and then I went for a little walk with Dixie.

I wandered over to our garage property. I call it “ours“ even though it now belongs to Seth and Katie. I never really said good bye to this land, a half acre overlooking Nelson with a view so beautiful it is still hard to believe we will never see it out the front window of our family home. See when we bought this place, 3 half acre lots, we had a whole plan of how we were going to work things.

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(This is not a great pic, and yes we NEED to fall that big mostly dead conifer, but I am sure you get the idea)

The plan was to live on the lot with the house (the house we live in now). Build on the garage property and use the other lot, which has a barn, for livestock and gardens. In the end we would sell the lot with the house and end up with our dream home and garden on one acre, 5 minutes from downtown Nelson. By selling the house and lot we lived in while building we could pay off our mortgage entirely. We would have realized a dream we set in place 10 years earlier.

Sometimes things don’t go as planned.

Our lives changed considerably. I usually say things changed “after Chris’ accident” but to be honest, our lives changed long before that, back when we lived in Pemberton. These changes did not add up to a couple who could build our dream home, at least not yet. When finances became an issue we made the tough decision to sell the garage lot, the one with the best view and building potential, we knew it was the one that would sell. As I walked around the property, drinking from Seth’s mason jar filled with pure clean mountain water untouched by an human processing, I thought about the whole new life that we had created. It doesn’t include the property I went to say good bye to tonight, what it does in include is Seth and Katie and their new baby boy. Seth helped Chris fix our roof today. He and Katie brought us dried apples for Christmas. They will bring so much more into our life than a half acre and a big building for cars. Next door is Al and Massa, who will bring even more life to our community on the mountain in 6 weeks when they have their own baby. Then there is Oma and Opa, a couple in their 80’s who know more about this mountain than anyone. And another couple who were just married...no word on kids yet. Then there are the friends, all the people who wander up here to visit and help us to create our community, and come up for a wiener roast and a warm place to crash for the night.

Chris left for a parent teacher meeting shortly after I got home, Seth left too. I am now writing, while the kids are cleaning up after dinner with Richard. They only came into the house because they finally gave up shooting the bow as the sun set...at 7:38pm!!!! It is official summer is FINALLY coming...and it is about time!

We lived a blessed life!

So this is the last journal question ever...I am feeling the pressure a little here...but it is pretty easy to just follow the flow of the entry and go with “How are you blessed? ” the final question in the final journal. 12 days journal #366

All I got to do now is finish out this commitment...4 more days... wow.

Day 5 Final Commitment- Shambles

Wow, didn’t see this comin. I started today with August 6th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-creative-words-being.html the day Michael and I set off to Shambala together. What an absolutely magical adventure we had. We taught a workshop, danced all day and night and we made beautiful love, other than drinking coffee and eating we did little else. We reached an even deeper level of love at this event, working there together, playing there together. I haven’t actually read anything yet. To tell you the truth I don’t really want to read it, it’s too hard.

And here I go anyway.



Last night I went to an open mic and read two of the poems from the creative writing commitment, I chose angry-ish ones. I wish now I would have read this one from. August 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-11-creative-words-magic.html This was my most magical day at Shambala. I feel physical pain in my heart as I read this entry, as I read my poem. I wish I could access just the feelings of love as I read these words, I wish they weren’t so connected to feelings of pain.

I want to state for the record, before we go any further. That I KNOW my objectivity on anything that is connected to Michael is skewed right now because of how disconnected we are from one another. The point of this commitment was to give honest clear reflection now that I have distance from my actions. Well I want you to know I have very little objectivity when it comes to my relationship with my Michael at the moment.

On August 8th I ran my first ever Movement Based Expressive Arts workshop...at Shambala, nothing like diving in head first!

Speaking of Shambala, I was brave enough to mention drug/medicine usage on the blog a couple of times during the festival. I live in a community where it is said that 75% of the population is either directly or indirectly related to the marijuana industry. *I* am the wife of a (retired kinda) RCMP officer. I need to be very careful about what I say in regards to things which are illegal. This was a tricky thing when writing a blog with the goal or truth and transparency. Here on August 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-jus-dance-continued.html I venture out a little, talk about my views in a way which is honest but safe for my particular family situation. I feel comfortable with how I walked this line this last year.

By August 12th I was back in California and in the habit of writing and not submitting till days later. I always knew that if I were to remain consistent, write and submit daily, that my contact with you all would have flowed better. When I am on time submitting I get many more hits to the blog and more comments. The thing was this project was a lot of fucking work, and my life is a WHOLE lot of work, so I just had to let things slip. It is what it is.

Ah ha! The infamous “Day 40” post where I come out as polyamorous and tell the world that Michael was my lover. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-jus-dance-day-40.html was written on August 13th, it was not submitted for nearly a week if I remember correctly. I wrote it in California and was home before it ever hit the net. I was petrified. I actually had a crazy body reaction, a fear reaction when I submitted it. It was the beginning of really stripping myself naked for the world to see. This entry had the most hits for months...until I posted a half naked picture of myself in a bikini and cowboy boots that is (rolling eyes at myself).

This trip also saw my reconciliation with my Jeremy on August 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-jus-dance-friendship.html . He was my sweet lover before I met Michael. My first ever lover within the wild world of polyamory in fact. He is lovely and soft and for whatever reason we just didn’t hold onto our relationship. It was complicated, I was married, he was a monogamist. We did love each other though. (I less than 3 you J.)

Home again and posting about love and its struggles. August 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-jus-dance-change.html This post was another top hitter, partly because of the beautiful picture of Chris and Kelly, they look so happy. Another reason I think this one was read so much was that I finally talked about how the kids were dealing with things. This was the main concern that people brought forward about our choice to live as a blended polyamorous family, that the kids would suffer. There were some really hard times, especially for Lily. Now though it is Lily who is most connected with Michael. I have spoken to her this last week (Chris and the kids are visiting him mom in Alberta while I stayed behind for rehearsals) and she is the one who always asks about Michael. She loves him, she loves Kelly too. It is hard that both of these people have left her life in the way they existed in it before. It is tempting to say we never should have allowed them into her life like we did, but it would not be true. What my beautiful children have learned from Michael and Kelly, how their lives have changed from having them in our home, has been amazing and most definitely for the greater good of our family and the world.

August 21st “Staycation!” http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/latest-commitment-staycation.html This was the name of the commitment where I took time off which translated into only writing 150 words or less each day. Do you know one of the parts of the project which was most enjoyable and easy? A joy nearly every time? Naming the entries and commitments. I loved this part. I got to be cryptic, humorous, stealthy, smart, smart-ass-d. I will miss this part, but who am I kidding, it is not like I am going to be able to give up blogging, I am a little obsessed, did ya notice?

In Staycation my new focus on the present began to really emerge, the signs of stirring. I was feeling the stress of trying to recollect past events and still write authentically. It was so important to me by this point that the writing be as real as possible. I can also see I was really beginning to feel the full brunt of what I had chosen to take on with 12 days 2 inspire. I am happy in THIS moment now about having chosen this commitment last August because it means I have less reading than yesterday!

Geez! I think I was on to something with those short posts! I said a lot with so little words...imagine that! I especially liked:

August 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-time-off-clear-as.html where it is obvious my commitment to truth telling was becoming stronger.

August 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-time-off-burning.html where I start to show how my edges are fraying.

August 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-time-off-avoidance-not.html where I am being playful and apologetic all at the same time.

August 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-time-off-simply.html A beautiful memory, a romantic moment alluded to; my blog version of serenading my lover.


I am blown out of the water by September 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-walkabout-get-out-of-jail-free.html . I could have written this exact entry, with a few subtle changes, today. I even laughed out load at the words I wanted to put on my “Get out of Jail Free Card”

”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“

The moon happens to be full today.

And so today's reading ends on September 3rd when me and Michael wrote a story for Rosy and her friend Sage. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-walkabout-oombellafish.html

and a commitment made to myself on September 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-walkabout-ashina.html

”I make a vow to myself on this day that I will create/manifest/find a sacred workspace for myself and those who I work with, that I will commit each day to moving in the direction of a life lived in community, and co-creation.“

I remember now that the creation of Sanctum Studio came the very next month. Oh man am I in for some bumpy reading! I can smile at it now but back when we were creating the studio and then to loose it so quickly, times were very intense. When this project is over I will be working on taking this vow to the next level...there will be dancing on Sundays in Nelson soon. That is a promise.

***EDIT- ADDED to the blog and 12 days journal #351 two days later, after Michael pointed out I forgot the daily question. ”What do you do when you don’t know what you want?“ Apparently I go on a road trip.***

Day 12 Lovin Nelson- Before and After

Chris left this morning to go continue his crazy battery of tests. Psychological testing is hard bloody work. I on the other hand stayed at the hotel, went down for breakfast and am now off to the pool to soak in the hot tub. I got the much better deal this trip.

I changed into my bikini and cowboy boots to get ready to head down to the pool, I have to walk through the outdoors to do this, thus the reason for the cowboy boots. As I went into the closet to grab a robe I was struck by my reflection in the mirror. I still have ideas about what I look like that are based on YEARS of living in this body. To see myself in an unusual setting, wearing an unusual get-up really allowed me to see myself as I am. Oh My God do I look different!!

So I took this photo of myself in full length mirror at the hotel. I am a little shy about posting it. I realize I have put a pic of myself in a bikini on this blog before (when I was swimming in a natural body of water each day) and this is no different, it just feels different because it is winter and I am pasty white. If my cranky blogging software will allow me I am going to post a before and after shot. The before being a pic of me doing my second commitment (climbing Pulpit Rock every day), the after pic is the last day before tackling my second to last commitment. If you see two photos you will know my plan worked. If you see one it is because MacJournal software has a glitch which won’t allow it.

Ok deep breath...here it goes.

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(Before. The beginning of this project.)

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(After. Near the end of the project.)

“How do you feel about your body?” is the BIG question in 12 days journal #334

Day 11 Lovin Nelson- Appreciation in Absence

Way back when I was on my third ever commitment, Chris and I went to Kelowna to visit his neuro-psychologist. We had a great trip. On that trip I wrote one of my favourite entries ever. Here is link if you want to trip down memory lane with me.

We are off to make that same trek again. The thing that strikes me is just how different things are now, and at the same time that some things have not changed despite the crazy turns our life has taken. I didn’t even know Michael last time I went to Kelowna with Chris, now he is enmeshed in our lives. It is he who is taking care of the kids while we go away to see where Chris is at with his brain trauma. The thing that hasn’t changed is how much Chris and I love each other. We have been together (for the most part) since September of 1993. We have been through hell and back again(to borrow one of Chris' MANY colloquialisms) and here we are, still in love. The love has morphed, aged, deepened, expanded, the love is not the same as it was when we first met, back when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other for more than a day. Love matures, something I imagine a lot of folk who have never been in a long term committed relationship could find hard to understand. 17 years is a long time to stay consciously commitment to both a relationship and to self. We have done an amazing job.

Oh and I suppose I should acknowledge that it may seem difficult to appreciate Nelson when I am not even there. Don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions. If you have ever been to the hospital in Kelowna you will probably understand that existing in this environment for two days REALLY gives me a chance to appreciate where I live....(shiver). To be honest when I started this commitment I completely forgot I was going away. I am making the situation work anyway. Gosh it is good to be my own boss, self determination is the bomb!

“How has you life changed in the last year?” is the question in 12 days journal #333

Day 10 Lovin Nelson- When They Come Back

I GOT A JOURNAL BACK!!! Not handed to me, like the first one that came back, or mailed to Jeremy in the States, this one came to me...ME! *I* got a journal in the mail...it took waiting for nearly the whole project to be done for it to happen but it finally did! (BIG SMILE)

It is 12 days journal #102. I left it with artist Ava Avione in Stockton California. She is the one that lives in her studio, giant paintings stacked over 10 deep in piles covering the walls of over 1000 square feet, and that is just her downstair studio! I have spoken with her about going to paint with her when this project is finished. I need to do SOMETHING when this is done. Life after blog looms in the not so distant future...ACK! Here is the journal entry from the day I was at her studio with my friend Linda. (HI LINDA!)

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I have only had a quick chance to skim the journal. It looks as though Ava used it as a sketch book for painting ideas and to write words of wisdom. The question in her journal was “What are your habits?”. She answers this question the way a mystic would, with poetry and woven words. In the journal I found this quote from Ava

“Only reach to the heart. All is real again”

And this is what I keep doing lately. Reaching to the heart. The response often doesn’t bring comfort I hope for though.

I know I am being cryptic, and enough of you have written to me to ask what is up that I know my attempts to stay veiled are failing miserably. I just need time to let this one out.

“How do you know when you are ready to tell?” is the question in 12 days journal #332

Day 9 Lovin Nelson- More Ugh

So in the beginning of the movie Avatar we find out that the main character has been asleep for 6 years, sealed up in a container, kept asleep, no need to do anything except pass time. I was thinking of getting one of those machines. Right now sleeping for a few months seems like it might be a good idea.

This has been a good commitment for me to make at this time. Keeps me out and active. After all that talk last week of being present, now I am struggling to not shoot ahead into the future, usually coming up with outcomes that do not comfort me. I visit the past now and then, get upset, but mostly it is the future I am having to work hard to stay out of, it is the future that now brings imagined sadness and loss. Stay here in the present and be released from pain I tell myself. Stay here, Stay here, stay here......stay..... ugh.

My stomach aches.

“What recent challenges have you dealt with?” is the less than inspired question in 12 days journal #331

Day 8 Lovin Nelson- Calm

I was told an amazing story today. A man I love and admire, despite not knowing him super well, told me he intuited that I blogged about him. Is that cool or what? He has spent 62 long years on this earth. Has dedicated himself to a path of truth, and has followed a Buddhist path for nearly 30 years. He practices Tantric yoga and has created a company building homes in a way which does right by the world, including the Mother.

He had heard about the 12 days project a few days before we saw each other at a dance. I wrote about dancing with him, around the same time he decided to look up my blog. He intuited the web address despite not having heard the name of it, typed it in and ended up on the very day I wrote about him. Wow, I would say he is pretty connected.

I hear this story as I sat on his couch. Mostly though he didn’t talk, he listened, asked me what I needed. I told him, rest, connection, love, and ease. Why is the ease always the one which seems so elusive?

Thank you friend, for wise words, soft heart space and a gentle reminder of breath.



“Do you trust your intuition?” is the question in 12 days journal #330

Day 7 Lovin Nelson- Valuable Treasures

Give a kid a break! A beautiful little boy just came up to me while I was editing and offered to sell me a magnet, his friend and he had just made them. He then came down to Oso Negro to sell them. It takes courage to do the cold call thing, to walk up to adults and ask if they want to buy something that was just created. The part I don’t get is, he is only asking asking a dollar each, the room is filled with people drinking 3 dollar coffees and not one person bought one? He steeled himself going from table to table dealing with the “no thanks you’s”. It is not easy being a child in our culture. Kids are generally not seen during the day, they are institutionalized from breakfast till just before dinner. When I am out with my children one of the first questions which is often asked is “Why are you not in school?”. For anyone who has travelled elsewhere you probably saw how in many other cultures children are much more integrated. They go to work with their parents, they take care of each other while playing out in the streets. Kids are seen and heard all the time. They are dispersed within the community.

I want to live more in community. I do live in A community, even a tightly knit, caring community. What I really want though is to no longer live in a house with a yard, next to another house with a yard. I want community gardens, community art projects, space to be alone, space to be together, easy access to everything I need in a comfortable setting with friends all around me. And I want kids, lots of kids, to help out, to experience learning outside of a classroom. I want my children and the children around me to feel honoured and valued, I want them to know that their home-made valentines magnets are worth as much to me as a cup of coffee.

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(picture of my new magnet, and that there is Oso Negro in the background, this is the view from my “office”)

I got this little gem for 2 dollars and 50 cents, same price I paid for my cappuccino. I think I got a hell of a deal.

“How do children show up in your daily life?” is the question in 12 days journal #329

Day 6 Lovin Nelson- Birth Day

I met Michael 9 months ago today. Meeting him changed my life in ways I could never even have dreamt of. We have had a wild amazing ride, I am grateful for every second.

If we would have made a baby that first time we were together, and we did wonder for a whole two weeks if we did, that baby would have been born right around now. We did make a baby, a non-human baby, we named it Bam. Last night we blew out a candle for Bam, as though it was a birth day. It was a beautiful ceremony.

Thank you baby.



“What do you need to feel met by your partner/s?” is the question in 12 days journal #328

Day 5 Lovin Nelson- Quote Basket

“Perception is a choice and not a fact.
But on this choice depends far more
than you realize as yet.
For on the voice you choose to hear, and on the sights you choose to see,
depends entirely your whole belief in what you are.”

I may have read this 6 months ago and believed I knew what it meant, and in a way I did. Now though, after 6 months of peeling back the layers, I get it in a whole new way. I have learned to love myself a whole lot better, and the more I love myself, the more loveable I get, and the easier it gets to keep on loving myself. The more I love myself, the easier it is to love everyone around me. I still struggle some days. Today I walked through a storm created by two people who love each other so strongly, two people desperate to be heard, knowing this was imperative to cease the fading. At the end of the day I loved and loved and loved when I could have cried, could have felt pain. I choose to see what was right in front of me, to hear my own sweet voice running through my head reminding me over and over of the love that I have for so much and so many. I choose to hear and see what creates a belief in myself that brings comfort and joy. The amazing thing was when I held this mantra of self love, I could hear almost anything and not take it personally....almost anything. Imagine, this lesson finally coming at this time. If I wanted to be cynical I could say “To little too late”, but I choose faith, I know that everything is perfect, exactly as it is.

If I forget any of this will you please remind me?

Thank you.

Oh and I have one more,

“Reality cannot ‘threaten’ anything except illusions, since reality can only uphold the truth”

I am starting to understand this better, another layer was peeled on the understanding of this one today. I am getting better at seeing it. I am growing and as spring brings us these bright shiny days, my tender shoots will emerge from the ground. They will grow and grow and grow. All my hard work this winter, work which went virtually unseen, matted roots pushing against frozen ground, will give way to effortless growth; leaves unfurling soaking up the nourishing light.

Here is one last quote, it was spoken aloud to me tonight when I asked the question..

“Who are you?”

“I am light”, he says.

“Thank you...Who are you?”, I reply.

Yes you sure are.

“Who are you?” is the question in 12 days journal #327

Just to add a little humour to this string of “ugh” posts here is puppetji doing “Who am I?”...this one is my personal favourite.

Day 4 Lovin Nelson- Double Ugh

Double Ugh.... I am still enjoying Nelson, grateful actually for how wonderful a place I live in, a wonderful place to experience “UGH!”.

“What gives you hope?” is the question in 12 days journal #326

Day 3 Lovin Nelson- Ugh

I haven’t been this angry, frustrated or hurt for a long time now. I mean I have felt these things, but not in a way which overwhelms me like I am now. I hate feeling like this, it takes up so much energy. Time that could be spent enjoying life is wasted. I can feel the muscles in my face, how I am holding my mouth. I don’t like the way my face looks when I feel this way. YUCK!!!! Generally I feel that I can navigate situations that bring on these feelings pretty well, not let it take me over. I bounce back into appreciation fairly easily, remarkably easily actually. But throw in the cocktail of circumstances that I am experiencing this morning and I am left feeling like I am running in a vat of molasses, going nowhere, out of ideas about how to change this dynamic that exists. I feel defeated, like giving up.

I do have faith that by the time I write again that I will have found resolution on this, will be in the love soup and out of the molasses funk.

“What ongoing issue in your life do you long to find resolution for?” is the question in 12 days journal #325

Day 2 Lovin Nelson- Shine 324

The everyday dance is essential to keeping alive what was created in the dome by the ocean where I danced with so many loved ones. So many beautiful people who opened their hearts and said YES to the world, to God, to me, to themselves. Jill helps to remind me to do the everyday dance.

She saw me in Oso this afternoon while I was reconnecting with one of my beautiful brothers, a peaceful warrior ready to take the sword when the time comes . Actually scratch that last part, he already taken the sword time and time again, he has shown up to be his glorious self, even in the face of fear. Jill danced in and reminded me to dance. We set a date, when I was done my conversation and coffee I was to make my way to her shop to dance.

I walked in and told her what I needed. I need support in staying on track, in finishing this project. I need someone to kick my ass out of conversation and down to a quiet space to write. I need to take all the love that I have conjured in the last 11 days and use MY medium, this blog, to spread that love. Love is infectious, I see it time and time again. I saw it last night with my family when I stood up to Chris with a powerful dose of love as our children watched. It was a little tense at first but by the end we were all in a big love cuddle pile. Lily beamed from ear to ear as she witnessed the proof of our families love. Love truly is the way, it is the answer. So simple.

In honour of the everyday dance here is a link to a beautiful sister who is doing a similar project to my own. She is committing to filming a dance everyday, doing her everyday dance and sharing it with the world. She is a bright beautiful light. Shine sister shine! And for the rest of you who enjoy watching Mary’s dance, or reading my words and who are finding your own way to spread love...you shine too!!. Infect the world with your own personal elixir, intoxicate others the way that only you can, because there is only one you. If you do not let your personal love shine it will be lost to the world. This world needs you.

Shine brothers and sisters....SHINE!!



“How do you make the world a better place?” is the question in 12 days journal #324

Day 1 Lovin Nelson- Present Tense

In the moment I write this I believe I am the closest I even have been to not finishing this project. Not because I am stressed out, or uninspired, or anything “uncomfortable”, I am more just loving being here in the moment, every moment. It is difficult to get motivated to write about the past or think about my future deadline which is now just over a month away. Can you believe it? I just got an email... oh and Michael just walked in the door after contact dance, I feel the call again to walk away from my computer, experience what is happening right here, right now, cuddle the man I love.

(time passes)

It is 14 hours later now. Right here just has so much beauty, so many conversation to be had, it is making it really hard to get caught up. To help me deal with this I have been asking for help, letting people in my life know that my current state of intense presence has a glorious shadow side that makes being present somewhat inconvenient. I constantly loose my keys, as soon as I no longer need them to run my car I forget them. I have a tendency to want to doodle when inspired, make art from the moment instead of editing posts already written. This is my main reason for falling behind on this blog. I am coming up with creative ways of dealing with this. I am thinking of getting a purse that has compartments (I know other womyn figured this one out years ago, but I never got with the program), or better yet getting Jill to create pockets for my existing bag which I love so much. I am asking friends to kick me out of their shops and homes, encourage me to go write. I console myself with the promise of doodling unencumbered by troublesome thoughts of “work to be done”.

I know I am going to finish, how can I not?! This project is so great, so amazing, and I want this. I am getting better and better at asking for what I want, at giving it to myself and accepting it from others. If you read this you will know I made it through, and know when you do that you helped me in you own specific special way,in a way no one else could because no one else is you. Thank you. I love you.

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(pic of me at Esalen, one of the many places I have learned about soaking in the moment)

“How do your friends help you?” is the question in 12 days journal #323

Latest Commitment! Enjoy Nelson

The fact that I am not going back to Cali for a scheduled trip until June means I can FINALLY really settle into living in Nelson again. Nelson rocks, sure it has it’s shadow side, but for the most part it is an amazing place to live. So I am committing to really enjoying being in Nelson. The sun has been shining since I got home, people are out in droves, ready to talk, getting excited about spring. I am getting excited about being right here, right now.

I commit to really enjoying where I live for the next 12 days. Enjoying the town, the outdoors and the people of my lovely little mountain town.

Day 10 Decision Time- 3 Saints

I love Valentines Day, I believe that I may be in the minority though. A whole lot of folk round here are trashing the holiday. I hear about it being a “Hallmark” holiday, that it discriminates, causes a whole lot of expectation. I get all that, really I do. It is just that I personally love any excuse to celebrate love.

We decided to all go out for a delicious dinner; Me, Chris and Michael. Made a reservation for 3 at Fusion, my favourite restaurant. Got all dressed up and went out on the town to bust up conventional ideas about relationships and love.

Rose was NOT happy at being excluded from our Valentines plans. She refused to get out of the picture so you could see our snazzy outfits, so here is two pics. One of Rose being a complete pill and throwing things into the picture, the other our smilin faces without our fantastic outfits.

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The food was unbelievable, the conversation fun and lively. The wine flowed, the dessert was amazing. When the server came to give us the bill she looked at both these beautiful men...and handed ME the check. Smart move.

Happy Valentines Day to you all! <3

"How do you celebrate love?" is the question in 12 days journal #308

Day 9 Decision Time- Inga

Well I finally did it, I particiapted in a Burlesque show. I love Burlesque, it is all about celebrating the sexiness of us gorgoues human beings. The show which is put on here in Nelson by Mary Scarlet Rose rivals any done in a big center. She celebrates diversity; diversity of body types, sexuality and performance style. The show is done as a fund rasier for the Womens Shelter. It is also a service to our community in that it brings sexuality out into the public eye in a playful way so we can all get used to the idea that sex is here to stay, nessasary in fact for the survival of our species. I figure if we are all created by sex, most of us have sex, why not have fun with the topic?!

Just to be clear, since I reread that last paragraph and thought to myself, “Geez Bernice they might think that Burlesque means sex show!. Burlesque is a dance where clothese are sexily removed. Different performers do it differently, there were many acts where nothing was removed, a few where only a few items were removed and a few more where the performers went down to pasties (glued on nipple covers), and tiny panties (or a fake minge ...click on the word if you want to know what it is). I was the sweeper, which means I went out in a sexy costume inbetween acts and collected what had been left behind. This involves a lot of bending over to show off cute frilly panties and antics, playing with the audience and otherperformers. It was perfect for me, no coreography or rehearsals, lots of stage time and many oppurtunities to play. I have a wonderful experience and who knows, maybe next year I will take off an item or two.

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”How do you like to play?“ is the question in 12 days journal #307

Day 1 Decision Time- Here a Blog, There a Blog...

I’m back!

Having Michael write my blog was so great for many reasons. I got a break number one...PHEW! Then there was watching him day after day pouring over his words, changing little fragments, being so careful. Seeing how commitment he was to doing it. You may have noticed he was much more timely with his entries than I have been lately! Then there was the content, what a beautiful man! What an honest man... day 2 was a little hard for me at first, he was just so honest, talking about getting me healthy again and having a baby...wow. There was also the part where he got to learn the in’s and out’s of blogging. I got to experience first hand the creation process as well as guiding him through the techie side of things, theses words you read on the screen, are but one part of blogging.

While Michael was writing I took the opportunity to take my computer into our local Mac store, Digerati. I met Ben there, or perhaps I could call him the “Mac Daddy”. He was fun and helpful, cleaned up my filthy machine (really, it was just gross!) and did some internal work as well, got my machine up from turtle speed to possum... I really need a new computer but right now it is not going to happen so he patched me up and sent me on my way for next to nothing.

When I was leaving he asked if I would be interested in teaching a workshop on blogging. I had never considered this idea until now. Hell ya I will teach a workshop! I have learned a lot about blogging by simply doing it every day for nearly a year, how to flog (an English term which means to sell) the blog, how to create something that brings people to the site, how to track progress of certain entries and events. I never quite followed all of what I learned about blogging, as you can see I STILL write really long posts which is a blogging non-no but then this is a lesson in and of its self. Nothing is set in stone, there are always going to be guidelines and there are always going to be the ones you don’t follow and sometimes this creates a whole new guideline.

Blogs are an amazing tool. They are grass roots news. They are a way in which a person like me, a 36 year old womyn from Canada, can have my story broadcast and read. I never imagined my following would get so big...I fantasized about it before I really knew what I was asking for, I didn’t really imagine this would happen, seems I forgot what a fantastic manifester I am! It is still amazing to me that so many want to know what I have to say, that you are reading this right now. Blogging...wow. I WILL teach a workshop on it soon, and don’t you worry, when I do you will know it because being a full time blogger has certainly taught me how to use facebook to its full advantage to flog just about anything! Ah...the internet...imagine the world without it.

Speaking of blogs...one of the reasons Michael did my blog was a test run for blogging. If you enjoyed reading his work, click here and go check his blog out.

And thank you Baby, for the break, for what you wrote, for being in my life, for being you.

(Michael writing in Oso, I believe this was Day 11 of Michael Land)

“What do you teach?” is the question in 12 days journal #299

Day 11 Meditation- Fusion

I had a wonderful birthday 2 days ago, my family loved me up, and I was taken out for lunch...but.... with everyone being sick it felt kind of incomplete. So I took myself out for a birthday dinner tonight. I haven’t had a really delicious dinner for a while, you know the extravagant kind. With gaining weight being on my “To Do” list it seemed as though a rich decadent dinner was in order. I am proud to say that it was very easy to take myself out, give myself what I wanted. In the past I might have been hurt that a night out to celebrate my birth didn’t happen, kept quiet hoping it would and then get silently resentful if it didn’t. It is crazy how actually just admitting to myself what I want, and taking care of it, fulfills me without all the drama...imagine that!



I went to Fusion, my favourite fancy restaurant in town. The Food is amazing, the prices reasonable and the chef/owner adorable. His name is Jamie. We met at the restaurant which is about to turn 5 years old. We flirted, joked and learned more about each other all while he made me tenderloin, scallops, spatzle, crispy fried green beans with a sweet delicious hoisen sauce. For dessert he created a chocolate lava cake with ice cream and a shot of expresso vodka. The whole meal was absolutely decadent and delicious. I even had left over lava cake to take to my girlfriends place afterwards.

While at Fusion Jamie and I spoke about writing a cook book together. Later I spoke with another friend, an elder, who agreed to work together, exchanging ideas and inspiration, a muse contract. It is time for me to start visioning my writing and how it is going to fit into my life once this project is done. I am ready to start making some money from writing, it is time to start the process of submission to magazines and other publications. I have resisted up until now because I can’t stand the rejection part of it all. I have done a fair amount of work on rejection though in the last 2 years, I am ready, I know this. I was reminded yesterday that the only way to truly be ready is to simply do something. For now I am focused on completing the next 70ish days and will continue to consciously create life after 12 days 2 inspire.

“What gift/s have you given yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #285