March 28, 2010

Day 4 Final Commitment- Hard to Stomach


I admit it, I read ahead a tiny bit yesterday. I started my morning with this post from July 7th. Michael and I walking in the moonlight to go swimming in a mountain lake. It was a beautiful romantic night, I remember it well.

Then on July 9th I got bold and told you all that Michael was moving to Nelson to start a family. You know I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought I was, I was still pretty out there at this point. I can tell I was feeling confident.

I found this picture in the July10th entry. I remember this Bernice, she was happy and robust. In this entry I talk about my body, how I can judge it and be unkind. At this point it would have been that I was unkind to myself believing I was too big, how ironic is that? I think I look beautiful in this picture. I think I second guessed this Bernice less than I do the Bernice I am these last few days.

Here on July 11th was the day Lily, Chris and Kelly met Michael. What a crazy crazy day that was. I wouldn’t change this day, it was perfect, but I can tell you the way Michael and Lily met was very very hard on my little Lily. I still experience guilt over it.

By July 15 Michael and I were now road tripping in the United States. Michael was originally going to drop me at the Seattle airport but instead he ended up driving me to school in California. I remember this evening very well, we stopped on the side of the road near Mt. Shasta to eat. Something changed that night, deepened. We ate corncakes kale and butter at a deserted burger joint on the I-5 and fell deeper in love. It was a magical night.

The irony is just way to thick for me to stomach, perhaps this is what is causing my stomach flu. Here on July 16 I committed to 12 days of learning and using better communication skills. I don’t even know what to say about this, I really did work at this, during this commitment and nearly every day since. Clear communication really is one of the most important things in my life... sigh.

AND as I move on to July 18th I see I know so much about communication, so why do I doubt myself? Why DO I doubt myself so much more now?

My heart aches to see the words written so long ago, July 20th My wisdom and insight are evident. Again I wonder where my faith in myself has gone today.

Hmmm as I read I notice something very interesting. I glossed over our arrival home. Michael and I arriving as a couple in my hometown, to live with my family...and I don’t even mention it on the blog? I must have been experiencing serious cognitive dissonance at this point. Here I was coming home, with my new partner, knowing that coming out as polyamorous was inevitable. Holy Cow. I am brave, and a little nuts.

July 25th Sigh. This post is all me. The me I love.

On July 28th I set a commitment to write creatively and share it on the blog. If I look at this decision honestly I would say I was doing it for a couple of reasons. First to give myself the room to be creative, at this point I was very deep into my relationship with Michael and its effects on my family life were HUGE, in both positive and trying ways. I needed a forced excuse to create art. Second, I was hiding. I still had not been explicit with you all about the nature of our relationship and it was really wearing on me, I found a way to hide a little longer. I did do some great writing though! This poem is as true now as it was then, over 9 months ago.

Ah yes as I read I become aware that I am travelling with Michael, Ayla and Rosy to Alberta to get Lily and visit Michael's sister. I know this because the inspiration for this poem on July 31st, was a bathroom in Crowsnest Pass in Alberta. I was definitely hiding from you all. Sorry about that. The poetry I was putting out was rich know how long it has been since I was inspired to write something like this?!

August 2nd. Yikes. This was a challenging time. A time when I saw cracks beginning to form. By this time we had picked up Lily, and she was having a really rough go. Oh my sweet Lily Rain, I love you so much baby.

Or maybe I wasn’t hiding the bad times as well as I thought I was August 4th My struggles were leaking. I remember this being about the time people began to reach out to me.... Thank you.

Finally! In today's last entry to be read, August 5th,
I read some truth! I can’t believe how much I was hiding. In this entry I feel the push, I feel my need to be seen. I am not sure when “Day 40”, the post where I came out as being polyamorous happened, but I have a feeling it is coming soon. I had yet to be truthful about Michael but in this entry I am at least truthful about Chris. My loving amazing husband, God we have been through so much together. I didn’t write about him a whole lot on the blog. Our lives took separate paths this year. It is not usually this way you know... we have been best friends for years, 17 years. We needed some time apart. Don’t confuse this with being out of love. I love that man with my entire being, and I know he loves me. I am so happy to have ended on a post about him today, even if it was about us fighting. Your presence will help me find a clearer perspective today Chrissy. Thank you. I love you.

“Do you believe in yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #350

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