September 2, 2009

Day 1 Walkabout- Get Out of Jail Free

I am back from 12 days of not blogging. Refreshed? Renewed? ReAnything? I don’t know. Seems to be my mantra lately.

“I don’t know”

“I don’t have an answer”

“I can’t be more specific“

I have been contemplating charting my inability to express myself verbally, seeing if it is connected with the moon, or my own moon cycle, or crop circles, ANYTHING, SOMETHING!? I just want to understand why there are these times where my articulate self takes an unexpected vacation. Perhaps rather than looking for answers, which is part of the struggle to begin with, I could just become ok with these times, ride them out, trust that they are as fruitful as the clear, rational times.

The tricky part is that when I get into this gooey ”feelings only” place I often get sad and feel extremely vulnerable, I feel like crying a lot. Why? Well... I DON’T KNOW! This is part of the whole dynamic. When I am here, in this emotional la-la land where even writing this causes an aching right under my sternum, my nose to sting, my eyes to blur, I want to be held, understood, loved. I long to lie on a shady lawn with someone I love, their arms around me as my tears feed the grass. Yet there is some crazy pattern that exists in my life which tends to result in the opposite, instead I am often estranged from those I love at these times. Those arms feel so far away. I long for support, no requirement of explanation, just to be held safely, with no verbal rally which could result in misspoken words. How can I communicate my needs and deep confusion and sadness when they are partially caused by an inability to communicate? I am not trying to be difficult, hiding, not copping to my stuff, I am just sad and feeling extremely vulnerable and want to feel safe and supported. Perhaps I should have some ”get out of jail free“ cards made up, when I am having a day, I could just hand it over to my companion.

”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“

This is me asking for what I want and answering yesterdays question. When I am feeling sad and vulnerable I want for those in my life to hold loving space for me. PLEASE don’t get angry at me, it will not get either of us what we want, I will likely pull away or come out with claws bared, things will not get any better and in the past have often gotten worse. This is what I am asking for, you of course have the option of doing whatever you choose to do. This is my part in this, asking for what I want even though I am struggling to not just crawl away and cry, please know that this is hard for me to do, and it is all I have in this moment.

I have a story that this dynamic in my life is because when those I love see me sad and vulnerable it pushes a button, maybe fear at seeing me weak, maybe they have a person in their past who they felt used tears or sadness to manipulate, maybe it is something I create to feed this story. Maybe, maybe, maybe. For whatever reason my sadness feels like it is often met with frustration, irritability, lack of understanding, and hardest of all, anger. It is a dynamic I no longer want in my life. Perhaps when my articulate, rational self shows back up we can work on this, for now I am going to hang in the sad, confused, vulnerable space, with or without arms around me.

”Is there something in your life that you would like to change?“ is the question in the front cover of 12 days journal #142

I have to end this entry by telling you how fricken hard this was to write...putting into words my frustration around my inability to put things into words...was well.....never mind, I am sure you understand.


  1. VERY articulate for someone feeling tongue-tied...thank you ♥
    this duality is the challenge of my adult life: wanting so much to feel okay with the highs and lows of my emotional existence, but instead spending more time trying to buffer those around me from the "swings" after years of negative reactions from those around me. all the while exacerbating the unfortunate self-belief that only one of these two "me's" are acceptable, lovable, worthy.
    you mentioned manic a few posts back:
    it's one thing to think of oneself as having manic qualities or behaviours, i consider this very insightful.
    it is quite another thing to get this as an armchair diagnosis from well-meaning (though hugely underqualified?) loved ones, especially over an extended period of time in reaction to simple human emotions.
    only in the last year have i begun to reject this idea that there is a "solution" to my strong and varied emotions (ie, medication) and work on accepting all of me just the way i am.
    waaaayyy up here, allllll the way down there, and everywhere in between!!!
    thank you so much for your words here in this blog B . . . there is something very loving in you sharing your joys AND your pain here with all of us. the themes you've touched on really speak to me, leaving me feeling connected rather than isolated.
    next time i see you i'm giving you the biggest hug!!! ♥ m

  2. Perhaps it's a woman thing, but I don't think so. I really resonate with this post. Last night I asked my lover to hold me and I just cried all the tears I had been holding in thinking I needed to be the strong one, thinking I needed to be tough so others could heal. I don't think the cards are a terribly bad idea. Your feelings, however irrational they may be, are totally real and valid. I was surprised at how supportive the people I thought would criticize my irrational feelings were. I reccommend trying to just express that you would like to be held and cry and ask that whomever is there simply hold space for your emotions. It's a reasonable request. I find it scary, expecially when I'm so vulnerable, but it helped. Maybe it could help you too. Sending you so much love and light on your beautiful path.
    Thank you for you courage.

  3. It's funny, I think of my life and which changes I would like to make. Then I think about how I got to be where I am right now. Then I think that right now is where I need to be. I know where I want to go and I know that this is where I need to be right now in order to get there. So I guess there isn't much that I want to change. Huh.

  4. I think we all have the moments you're describing above, and I think we all need to give ourselves that space to just feel our feelings. And I know what you mean about how it always seems like when you need someone to hold you at those times, those who could aren't available to you. The biggest lesson I am learning about how to deal with this problem is to hold that space for myself, love myself, hug myself (metaphorically...I'd look pretty goofy trying to physically hug myself...LOL), be gentle on myself. The crazy thing that I've been finding out is that when I do this for myself, the people around me who care about me FOLLOW SUIT. It makes me think of what they say about parenting, how kids learn best by example and what they see us do. I think sometimes even our grown-up loved ones need the same, to see and learn from your example how you treat yourself when you're going through times like this.

    As to your question, I'd like to change my financial situation, primarily get rid of the debt created when I first moved out and had to set up a new household from scratch. Also, the taxes I know I'm going to have to pay in next year...that is kind of hanging over my head and I am simply telling myself that I will do whatever I can to prepare for it and then will need to just stop worrying about it since prep is all I can do and I am doing that. Worrying about it won't change it.

    Other than that, I once again have to agree with Chris...I wouldn't change anything else because I think right now is where I need to be to get where I want to go.

  5. Orange-hatted surprised recipient of 'gifted' journal #76 from Dance Camp showing up. I'm broaching the first hello to B and all, across the last few months. having stepped into your blog a couple of times since I let the journal go. I made myself first write and then let it to the world first, before checking in online. Now the first time signing up as a follower (the implications of that word is a bit strange.)

    I was very moved by this entry. I've been exactly, no EXACTLY at this cycle many times (and I have some years on B) and it's still fairly the same. Dig it. So thanks for writing it down. In public.

    Brava to you for unearthing the public/private boundaries. I journal, but putting it out in the world this way is a whole other thing. I also perform, but thinking about that--I polish inner word journeys first. Maybe I'm considering sharing from my journal(s) more publicly. And maybe that is the change...

    All (en)courage(ment) to you. Roar on.