October 7, 2009

Day 12 Sans Coffee- Gaping

I judge everything I write; erase everything that comes out. I don’t want to share it, I want to hide. At the same time I crave the transparency, to keep up the “bravery” that I am constantly getting kudos for, soak it in, use it as salve to make these wounds close up, these gaping wounds. The truth is I don’t feel brave, I feel confused, I feel angry, and I feel SAD SAD SAD...I feel like giving up. I feel like all my dreams are slipping through my hands, and that each is attached to another which slips slips slips away, one after the other. And I am ashamed to post this, ashamed of feeling this weak, ashamed that I can’t better explain to the people I love how I feel, what I want, and what I believe. I am tired of being judged by those who claim not to judge, blamed by those who claim not to blame, I am tired of judging, and blaming. I am just fucking tired.

I am afraid of letting a dream die... and I am not sure which one.

“Is there something you wish you would have done, but never did?” is the question in 12 days journal #178


  1. Did you just go into my brain, put my thoughts into words and start typing? It has felt a bit like that in my head for awhile now...hmmmm. xoxoxox


  2. LOL Janna...no I am just very good at describing the human condition....seems perhaps I am not as blocked as I thought I was..thanks :o*

  3. Numerous opportunities to be closer to people but stayed away, concerned about the conaequences. Too Bad.

  4. I am sorry that you aren't feeling positive and up beat, that things are mixed up; I am sorry that I don't have just the right words; I am sorry that I don't live down the street so I can give a hug/shoulder to cry on/someone to punch :) ...

  5. I recommend massive doses of psychotropic substances to "loosen" the minds grip on itself, and give fresh perspective from within.

  6. {{{{{{{{{{B}}}}}}}}}} I've been where you are, feelings-wise. This, too, will pass, but I will give you all the cyberhugs I can until it does, because it sucks! Teens don't really have a monopoly on angst, do they?

    As to your question, I wish I would have continued with my writing and sought out a publisher long ago. If feel like I've wasted too much time in my life NOT doing so. I want desperately to make up for that time. Too often I put others' needs ahead of my own...those who've gotten used to that are going to be hurt and upset when I start changing things to be able to pursue my dream, and I start to set boundaries that they will resent. I have to, I MUST, stop letting others' needs come before the things I know I need to do, the things that I believe I am meant to do.

    But wow, it's really hard to follow through on this intention when I know it will hurt people I love! If they really love me, though, they will forgive me, won't they?