I judge everything I write; erase everything that comes out. I don’t want to share it, I want to hide. At the same time I crave the transparency, to keep up the “bravery” that I am constantly getting kudos for, soak it in, use it as salve to make these wounds close up, these gaping wounds. The truth is I don’t feel brave, I feel confused, I feel angry, and I feel SAD SAD SAD...I feel like giving up. I feel like all my dreams are slipping through my hands, and that each is attached to another which slips slips slips away, one after the other. And I am ashamed to post this, ashamed of feeling this weak, ashamed that I can’t better explain to the people I love how I feel, what I want, and what I believe. I am tired of being judged by those who claim not to judge, blamed by those who claim not to blame, I am tired of judging, and blaming. I am just fucking tired.
I am afraid of letting a dream die... and I am not sure which one.
“Is there something you wish you would have done, but never did?” is the question in 12 days journal #178
Did you just go into my brain, put my thoughts into words and start typing? It has felt a bit like that in my head for awhile now...hmmmm. xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteJanna
LOL Janna...no I am just very good at describing the human condition....seems perhaps I am not as blocked as I thought I was..thanks :o*
ReplyDeleteNumerous opportunities to be closer to people but stayed away, concerned about the conaequences. Too Bad.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you aren't feeling positive and up beat, that things are mixed up; I am sorry that I don't have just the right words; I am sorry that I don't live down the street so I can give a hug/shoulder to cry on/someone to punch :) ...
ReplyDeleteI recommend massive doses of psychotropic substances to "loosen" the minds grip on itself, and give fresh perspective from within.
ReplyDelete{{{{{{{{{{B}}}}}}}}}} I've been where you are, feelings-wise. This, too, will pass, but I will give you all the cyberhugs I can until it does, because it sucks! Teens don't really have a monopoly on angst, do they?
ReplyDeleteAs to your question, I wish I would have continued with my writing and sought out a publisher long ago. If feel like I've wasted too much time in my life NOT doing so. I want desperately to make up for that time. Too often I put others' needs ahead of my own...those who've gotten used to that are going to be hurt and upset when I start changing things to be able to pursue my dream, and I start to set boundaries that they will resent. I have to, I MUST, stop letting others' needs come before the things I know I need to do, the things that I believe I am meant to do.
But wow, it's really hard to follow through on this intention when I know it will hurt people I love! If they really love me, though, they will forgive me, won't they?