March 30, 2010

Day 6 Final Commitment!- Road Trip 1

I feel fucking awesome. I am on the Salmo-Creston pass heading towards Alberta to get my new old car. I just did my full payers on a stone in the middle of a creek. This creek by any other world standard would likely be called a river. I could feel its vernal pull, its knowing that soon the sun would be melting the winter snow pack. This creek, now winter weary and parched, will soon explode into her full glorious self, coursing down the mountain side filled with the promise of fertility.

“Its full moon and spring baby!” says nobody.

“Balanced light” is the message which came during my prayers. I have 3 days to figure out what that means. That is how long this road trip will last.

I have a secret to tell you. I never quit. September 6th I still smoke very little, less than I did when I posted this entry, but I still smoke and I never told you otherwise, look at me being all secretive.. :oP

The summer is coming to an end as I read Septembers entries. It may have been the best summer of my life...actually it was, it was the BEST summer of my life. I could fill up a hundred entries with the stories of dance camp, festivals, camping. I am so happy that summer is coming again, and here I am on the first road trip of the year. Hooray!!..and... Why on earth did I decided a road trip is what I needed right now? I mean I actually do know, I needed to get out of Nelson, but working under these conditions is crazy challenging!

September 10th Well this post sums up the whole month pretty well, maybe even the whole year. It is such a crazy thing how I set out to document a year of my life and chose THIS year...what a wild year! Another way of saying exactly what this entry says, in a slightly abbreviated version, as was done by the Hopi elders, is:

”You have been telling people this is the Eleventh Hour.
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is THE Hour.
Here are the things that must be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in right relation?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your Truth.
Create your community.
Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.“

We need to start a better garden in our back yard...close to the house.

(six degrees of separation)

I admit there is something on the blog which really pulls at me to speak to it. The thing is I feel pulled just the tiniest bit harder to just leave it alone. Sometimes it is really hard for me to know which parts of myself to listen to. I know there is that stock answer of ”the heart“...what I want to know is which part of my heart? I feel like it is too big for my ribcage, perhaps this is why my ribcage is changing.

As I read September 12th I become aware of just how much Michael and I were beginning to fight. I want to write the word ”conflict“ instead of fight...because I don’t want to see it, how often we struggled to get along, to understand one another. Our struggles have never had anything to do with lack of love, just lack of understanding. And as is my way I have to add...and there were amazing times as well, many actually stemming from the conflict... we were beginning to learn how to understand one another, I just never imagined it would be this hard, or that we would loose sight of how far we have come.

Pleasure revolution! September 14th Now this was a commitment! My only wish was that I had endless funds to fuel it! I would have gone off. I did have a great time though and connected with how important pleasure is for me. I firmly believe that lessons can be learned anywhere along the spectrum between pain and pleasure. Working through life's lessons with pleasure as a back drop is far FAR easier than going the pain route...ask me how I know.

Oh the country mouse city mouse post! September 15th This one brought me so many more ”fans“. As I read over the blog I am thinking maybe I could write a little more about the fun(ny) parts of life. Or at least write with more humour about the struggles. I will keep this in mind for the next blog...did I just type ”next blog“? YIKES

September 16th Oh ! Sigh, I can’t wait to come paint with muse. And ....Oh me! A quote from this entry:

”She smiled contentedly, pointing to one piece in particular, one of the paintings bound for the Italian church, and tells how in all of her years this was the first time she simultaneously captured the essence of birth and death as she imagines them in one face, in one body, in one mass of extraordinary colour. As I gazed at the multidimensional face of infinite possibilities I had to agree, she had captured this singular event that is thought of as two.“

I am hard on myself and my writing. I have so much appreciation for my craft, for my talent since beginning to re-read my own work. I love Bernice, she is my muse.

Oh Tamalpa! September 17th how I love you so. How dedicated I am to the life/art process.... this project was set up as a Tamalpa score after all... as I read and write about my time at Tamalpa feelings of being misunderstood arise...but I notice being more ok with it now than I was a month ago...sigh

September 21st Baby Skylah is born, exactly 11 years and 1 day after Lily Rain Raabis. Skylah’s middle name is Rain. Rachel and I spent the night recently in room 111 in Big sure California. On the same trip that Jill and I dubbed ourselves ”11“ meaning two ”1’s“ standing side by side. Rachel made another ”1“ when she arrived with Skylah who was born on the 1st day of fall. That is a whole lot of 1’s, and a whole lot of Rain.

September 22nd A studio is born...well no that is not true. A studio is conceived! A dream is realized. Now the work is to do the work.....

September 23rd. If you want to understand me, read this one. If you are in my life in a romantic it 3 times...please. I love you.

September 24th. I tell the world that Michael is moving in.....down the Raabis hole!

September 26th Ugh...this one too...

September 28th I simply want to say that I now see things differently. I am being vague on purpose...I just don’t want to get into it. I want ease.

October 4th THANK GOD!! I got writers block...God knew that SOMETHING had to stop me! LOL and right now I am grateful since I am FINALLY finished reading for the day. (wy)Man am I a prolific writer! Which I think is well illustrated by this entry which is 1300 words long! (and finished a day behind schedule...ugh, now it is 1313)

”What do you do a lot of?“ is the clever question in 12 days journal #352

Ok we have to hit the road again. I have 40 minutes to edit this, find a picture, add in tag words upload it and flog it on facebook, all to have it up just one day late. Do you think I can do it? I guess we will see. (1389)

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