And because I am so tired I am going to keep today's entry short.
This is a quote from one of May’s entries, it helped me to see two things about myself. Number 1, fear has been an issue for me for a long time. Two, I love that I was so “out” about my relationship with God in those first months, I love that I never hid this. I can tell from my reading that I was beginning to get more comfortable with blogging at this point.
”I love my fear and know it is there to protect me, but I quiet it down so I can only hear my heart voice. This voice, that I often find when I am dancing, NEVER leads me astray. This voice tells me the things I am meant to do with this life. Leading movement is one of those things. Raising my babies with love, boundaries and a commitment to communication is one of those things. Loving with a wide open heart is one of those things. Writing this blog, committing to this experiment, sending out journals into the world is one of those things. I don’t know what all of that makes me, but that is OK. God knows, and that is good enough for me.”
The other thing I noticed was just how friggen wordy I was! LOL LONG POSTS! Holy cow. I hope for my own sake I stopped writing so much so that it doesn’t take me hours every day just to get through the reading part!
***EDIT- I posted something and decided a couple of hours later that I didn’t actually want to be that honest, or actually it is not about honesty, it is about wanting to keep it for myself. Thanks Deborah for the perfect advise.***
*** EDIT- I am adding the removed text back into entry at 10:30 the next morning, after a nights sleep and a new morning complete with birds singing, I know I put this in my entry for a reason. I trust.
One last reflection. I am reading the months from the 6th to the 5th so that I will end up exactly on April 5th when the project is done. So for instance today I read May 6th to June 5th. Want to know what day I met Michael? June 5th. I have just entered Michael land full force. From now on I will get to read all about my excitement and passion for this man, veiled as it was from all of you in the beginning. I have to tell you it was all a bit much to take today. Reading about the 2 weeks which led up to our meeting, seeing our picture so happy and in love, add all this to today being my first moon day, and I had myself an UGH afternoon. I am sure at some point reading about our love story will bring me joy, I KNOW this for certain. Today though I scroll quickly past our picture on the blog, not wanting to see, wondering how we went from there to here in 10 months. Despite a deep deep love for one another we just can’t seem to get along. I wish I knew what to do.
“Is there a period of you life which is hard to think about?“ is the question in 12 days journal #348
There is a time in my life that is still hard to think about ... and there is a man from that time that is still hard for me to think about ... it was a time where there was darkness around me and great pain that arose from that situation. It took me a long time and distance before I could begin to look at it and begin to face my own darkness, but face it I did, and I am stronger for it. Funny though, it is not the darkness that scares me any more ... it is the fact that I can still find a place of sweetness/love in my heart toward that person and that I could still let him in ... that is what scares me, because, this man has proven to be untrustworthy ... years have passed and I am still afraid that I could slip again ... but then, as soon as I say that, I realize that I probably wouldn't and if I did I would be much more capable of taking care of myself. It is my own weakness and ignorance that I fear.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about standing in the front yard of 3 Holly Hill, London, N21. when I was still living with my parents. This was in the middle of an acupuncture treatment last Wednesday. I don't know what the significance was exactly, but what I thought afterward was that my Dad cut down the flowering cherry tree to a tall stump and my Mum was upset and I didn't like it but felt it was not my place to intervene. At that time I felt it was never really my place to intervene or complain or anything so I was an angry little guy. Eventually every tree around the house got cut down and it was only years later, on a visit from Canada, that my Father asked me to cut down a birch tree that had seeded itself from the old birch tree that had actually fallen down before it could be cut. This time I found the strength to refuse and just said "Sorry, I can't do it" This was a breakthrough for me, as was a time later when my Dad was questioning me over something, and I asked him something like "Do you have a problem with me?" He just said he was being funny and we left it at that. Generally I remember my childhood as me being resistant, constantly under pressure to conform, reluctantly complying, but with a generous amount of passive aggression. I mostly regret that I did not stand up for myself more but I was in a difficult position and there was not too much I could do. I really enjoyed Lindsay Anderson's movie "If" when I saw it some years later. I really wanted to blow things up!
ReplyDeleteVulnerability in anonymity. Here goes. 6 months after being raped people began to threaten and hate me. I took responsibility for what happened and could do nothing but apologize and try to make amends for something I did not willingly do. After one harshly worded e-mail from the partner of the man, I did not think I was worthy of living. Removing myself from the situation, permanently, seemed to be the most reasonable and compassionate thing I could do at that point. I have to much gratitude to God for sending my best friend at exactly the right moment to hold me, tell me he loved me, and not let me out of his sight. With the immense joy for life I carry, it breaks my heart that I wanted to end it. Love you Bernice, thanks for posing a difficult question. Takes me to places I wouldn't normally go.
ReplyDeleteWow...thank you, all three of you. I don't know what to say, other than thank you. I am really seeing as this winds down how much I get from your comments and emails...If I decide to do another year long daily commitment thing to keep the love flowing...wring my neck.
ReplyDeleteTo both of you who courageously choose anonymity, I am so proud. Being this "out" about what is going on was FUCKING hard on me, one of the main contributors to my weight loss. Way to take care of yourself. And thank you, for sharing both of these stories which I can personally relate to on many levels. You sharing you pain helps me feel less isolated.
No point in me going anonymous when I've already shared so much that was so personal and vulnerable on your blog, but I did consider it briefly! LOL. Sometimes "hiding" is simply a healthy form of self-preservation and self-protection and it was tempting.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard for me to think about the time I spent with my abusive ex. But I'm finding what Keith had to say the other day about fear very applicable in this situation. Shying away from it, avoiding it, choking it back, pushing it down down down...that only made it worse. I wasn't truly free to heal until I got brutally honest with myself about just how scared I was, how much pain I was in, etc. The more I practice this kind of bravery, of looking hard into my heart and soul at the fear and pain, the less it hurts and the less difficult it becomes to look back on.