And here I go anyway.
Last night I went to an open mic and read two of the poems from the creative writing commitment, I chose angry-ish ones. I wish now I would have read this one from. August 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-11-creative-words-magic.html This was my most magical day at Shambala. I feel physical pain in my heart as I read this entry, as I read my poem. I wish I could access just the feelings of love as I read these words, I wish they weren’t so connected to feelings of pain.
I want to state for the record, before we go any further. That I KNOW my objectivity on anything that is connected to Michael is skewed right now because of how disconnected we are from one another. The point of this commitment was to give honest clear reflection now that I have distance from my actions. Well I want you to know I have very little objectivity when it comes to my relationship with my Michael at the moment.
On August 8th I ran my first ever Movement Based Expressive Arts workshop...at Shambala, nothing like diving in head first!
Speaking of Shambala, I was brave enough to mention drug/medicine usage on the blog a couple of times during the festival. I live in a community where it is said that 75% of the population is either directly or indirectly related to the marijuana industry. *I* am the wife of a (retired kinda) RCMP officer. I need to be very careful about what I say in regards to things which are illegal. This was a tricky thing when writing a blog with the goal or truth and transparency. Here on August 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-jus-dance-continued.html I venture out a little, talk about my views in a way which is honest but safe for my particular family situation. I feel comfortable with how I walked this line this last year.
By August 12th I was back in California and in the habit of writing and not submitting till days later. I always knew that if I were to remain consistent, write and submit daily, that my contact with you all would have flowed better. When I am on time submitting I get many more hits to the blog and more comments. The thing was this project was a lot of fucking work, and my life is a WHOLE lot of work, so I just had to let things slip. It is what it is.
Ah ha! The infamous “Day 40” post where I come out as polyamorous and tell the world that Michael was my lover. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-jus-dance-day-40.html was written on August 13th, it was not submitted for nearly a week if I remember correctly. I wrote it in California and was home before it ever hit the net. I was petrified. I actually had a crazy body reaction, a fear reaction when I submitted it. It was the beginning of really stripping myself naked for the world to see. This entry had the most hits for months...until I posted a half naked picture of myself in a bikini and cowboy boots that is (rolling eyes at myself).
This trip also saw my reconciliation with my Jeremy on August 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-jus-dance-friendship.html . He was my sweet lover before I met Michael. My first ever lover within the wild world of polyamory in fact. He is lovely and soft and for whatever reason we just didn’t hold onto our relationship. It was complicated, I was married, he was a monogamist. We did love each other though. (I less than 3 you J.)
Home again and posting about love and its struggles. August 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-jus-dance-change.html This post was another top hitter, partly because of the beautiful picture of Chris and Kelly, they look so happy. Another reason I think this one was read so much was that I finally talked about how the kids were dealing with things. This was the main concern that people brought forward about our choice to live as a blended polyamorous family, that the kids would suffer. There were some really hard times, especially for Lily. Now though it is Lily who is most connected with Michael. I have spoken to her this last week (Chris and the kids are visiting him mom in Alberta while I stayed behind for rehearsals) and she is the one who always asks about Michael. She loves him, she loves Kelly too. It is hard that both of these people have left her life in the way they existed in it before. It is tempting to say we never should have allowed them into her life like we did, but it would not be true. What my beautiful children have learned from Michael and Kelly, how their lives have changed from having them in our home, has been amazing and most definitely for the greater good of our family and the world.
August 21st “Staycation!” http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/latest-commitment-staycation.html This was the name of the commitment where I took time off which translated into only writing 150 words or less each day. Do you know one of the parts of the project which was most enjoyable and easy? A joy nearly every time? Naming the entries and commitments. I loved this part. I got to be cryptic, humorous, stealthy, smart, smart-ass-d. I will miss this part, but who am I kidding, it is not like I am going to be able to give up blogging, I am a little obsessed, did ya notice?
In Staycation my new focus on the present began to really emerge, the signs of stirring. I was feeling the stress of trying to recollect past events and still write authentically. It was so important to me by this point that the writing be as real as possible. I can also see I was really beginning to feel the full brunt of what I had chosen to take on with 12 days 2 inspire. I am happy in THIS moment now about having chosen this commitment last August because it means I have less reading than yesterday!
Geez! I think I was on to something with those short posts! I said a lot with so little words...imagine that! I especially liked:
August 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-time-off-clear-as.html where it is obvious my commitment to truth telling was becoming stronger.
August 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-time-off-burning.html where I start to show how my edges are fraying.
August 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-time-off-avoidance-not.html where I am being playful and apologetic all at the same time.
August 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-time-off-simply.html A beautiful memory, a romantic moment alluded to; my blog version of serenading my lover.
I am blown out of the water by September 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-walkabout-get-out-of-jail-free.html . I could have written this exact entry, with a few subtle changes, today. I even laughed out load at the words I wanted to put on my “Get out of Jail Free Card”
”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“
The moon happens to be full today.
And so today's reading ends on September 3rd when me and Michael wrote a story for Rosy and her friend Sage. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-walkabout-oombellafish.html
and a commitment made to myself on September 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-walkabout-ashina.html
”I make a vow to myself on this day that I will create/manifest/find a sacred workspace for myself and those who I work with, that I will commit each day to moving in the direction of a life lived in community, and co-creation.“
I remember now that the creation of Sanctum Studio came the very next month. Oh man am I in for some bumpy reading! I can smile at it now but back when we were creating the studio and then to loose it so quickly, times were very intense. When this project is over I will be working on taking this vow to the next level...there will be dancing on Sundays in Nelson soon. That is a promise.
***EDIT- ADDED to the blog and 12 days journal #351 two days later, after Michael pointed out I forgot the daily question. ”What do you do when you don’t know what you want?“ Apparently I go on a road trip.***
It really makes me laugh when you talk about being cryptic about the polyamoury thing. I picked up on it from the very first veiled comment, and when you did the post where Chris was saying something like, "See? We ARE 'normal' after all!" I remember thinking, "Aha! I KNEW it!" I thought I was so clever. LOL. When you hit the Day 40 post, I was like, "Well, DUH!" LOL. Were other people really surprised by that announcement?!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm enjoying this recap with you very much. :-)
When I don't know what I want, I try to do the opposite of obsess about it...I set the wondering aside and try to live in the moment and focus on the things I *DO* know I want, and the things I already have. Sometimes, figuring things out just takes time. There doesn't need to be a rush to come to conclusions or plans or resolutions (unless it's something with an actual deadline, of course). The things we want can be elusive but I think they will always reveal themselves in time, when the time is right.
ReplyDelete