September 10, 2009

Day 9 Walkabout- Screamer

My life is such a roller-coaster lately. I have ridden extreme highs and lows, experienced ecstasy and pain in the last 24 hours, actually to be more concise I have experienced all this in the last 4 hours. And as on a roller-coaster all I can do right now is hold on, listen for the clunk, clunk, clunk as that big chain pulls the cars to the highest point and create personal mantras to deal:

“It will all be over soon”

“This is going to be fun”

“Holy shit what was I thinking“

”This lack of control is exhilarating!”

All these mantras rolled up into one intense present moment spilling into the next intense and present moment ,over and over, creating an immediate past made up of experience and thoughts devoid of control. This, is my life at the moment. I have heard it said many times by many people that control is an illusion, and I know this, knew this. Right now I FEEL this.

I got out my computer to check my “to do” list, I am leaving town in a couple of days, back to California I go. There are logistical tasks which need to be ticked, important faxes and documents which need packing, sending and signing, it is really difficult to do this while bumping round this roller-coaster car. This giant bar which has been pulled down a little tighter than is comfortable, a little tighter than my lungs would like as they desperately claw at the air for more more more. This big black padded safety restraint makes the fax button hard to reach, makes my signature illegible, or more illegible than usual I should say. Perhaps this is the reason why my signature has always been this way, a couple of dramatic scratches and a runaway tail, maybe this roller-coaster is my pre-set, my default, and I just mistake the slower windy loops as moments of freedom from this wild ride.

I sit here on a bench outside Oso Negro, aware in this moment of how I keep putting my hands up to my face, pulling the slowly crinkling skin at the corner of my eyes towards my temples, gently encouraging my eyes to shut, feeling the coolness of my palms against the corners of my jaw bone. I imagine this bone as I open my mouth, teeth attached to shiny pink skin which grows into the smooth pitted flesh of my cheek, my tongues imprint permanently embossed here, years of sitting idle, not speaking my truth. My remedy seems to be transferring the job of my tongue to my fingers, they find the keys which correspond to the letter of the words which tell the tale of my roller-coaster ride and take away the neatly placed veil which hides how manic I often feel.

And as I type this I hear Kelly say how nervous she feels about being interviewed by a live TV show this evening, she says she doesn’t know what to say, I stop typing and offer support and advice

“If you loose it and don’t know what to do just say how you spent the morning sharing a watermelon, that you grew in your very own garden, with you lover...and his wife. This will be enough to wow them.”

See...roller-coaster life. Would you like to step on and come for a ride?

“Do you belive you have control over you life?” is the question in 12 days journal #150

1 comment:

  1. The flip-side to the "do you create your own destiny?" question, huh? I think we have control in that when we are faced with choices, we control which choice we go with; unfortunately, we're not always in control of which choices we're given. So as with the other question, once again I have to answer with "yes and no."