Day 1 Decision Time- Here a Blog, There a Blog...

I’m back!

Having Michael write my blog was so great for many reasons. I got a break number one...PHEW! Then there was watching him day after day pouring over his words, changing little fragments, being so careful. Seeing how commitment he was to doing it. You may have noticed he was much more timely with his entries than I have been lately! Then there was the content, what a beautiful man! What an honest man... day 2 was a little hard for me at first, he was just so honest, talking about getting me healthy again and having a baby...wow. There was also the part where he got to learn the in’s and out’s of blogging. I got to experience first hand the creation process as well as guiding him through the techie side of things, theses words you read on the screen, are but one part of blogging.

While Michael was writing I took the opportunity to take my computer into our local Mac store, Digerati. I met Ben there, or perhaps I could call him the “Mac Daddy”. He was fun and helpful, cleaned up my filthy machine (really, it was just gross!) and did some internal work as well, got my machine up from turtle speed to possum... I really need a new computer but right now it is not going to happen so he patched me up and sent me on my way for next to nothing.

When I was leaving he asked if I would be interested in teaching a workshop on blogging. I had never considered this idea until now. Hell ya I will teach a workshop! I have learned a lot about blogging by simply doing it every day for nearly a year, how to flog (an English term which means to sell) the blog, how to create something that brings people to the site, how to track progress of certain entries and events. I never quite followed all of what I learned about blogging, as you can see I STILL write really long posts which is a blogging non-no but then this is a lesson in and of its self. Nothing is set in stone, there are always going to be guidelines and there are always going to be the ones you don’t follow and sometimes this creates a whole new guideline.

Blogs are an amazing tool. They are grass roots news. They are a way in which a person like me, a 36 year old womyn from Canada, can have my story broadcast and read. I never imagined my following would get so big...I fantasized about it before I really knew what I was asking for, I didn’t really imagine this would happen, seems I forgot what a fantastic manifester I am! It is still amazing to me that so many want to know what I have to say, that you are reading this right now. Blogging...wow. I WILL teach a workshop on it soon, and don’t you worry, when I do you will know it because being a full time blogger has certainly taught me how to use facebook to its full advantage to flog just about anything! Ah...the internet...imagine the world without it.

Speaking of blogs...one of the reasons Michael did my blog was a test run for blogging. If you enjoyed reading his work, click here and go check his blog out.

And thank you Baby, for the break, for what you wrote, for being in my life, for being you.

(Michael writing in Oso, I believe this was Day 11 of Michael Land)

“What do you teach?” is the question in 12 days journal #299

Day 12 Michael Land- So Long and Thanks for the Fish

**Written and submitted by Michael**

Well, this is it. It’s been fun. Twelve days of having a little taste of what it’s like for Bernice to put herself out there everyday, scanning each day for a nugget to spark something meaningful, hopefully, to share. I’ve got to hand it to her, it’s a lot of work to stay on top of the daily public purge or praise.

I’m glad I have had the experience of witnessing her, and taking my own turn. It’s helps to inform my choices about how I carry out my own blog. Yes, it’s true. I started a blog. Go figure! Since I’ve moved to a new community I’ve noticed a big change in my social networking. After living in Victoria for 8 years I had a big, beautiful community and family there that kept me in a steady flow of music, dancing, potlucks, cuddling, creating, and connecting. A strong conscious dance community that we build up over years of putting on events together. And a number of great organizations that I worked or volunteered with.

It’s true that my life is a little more domestic now, but I haven’t found so many of those places in my new town yet. So I’m excited to use this phenomenon we call blogging to call in the pieces of the puzzle I am working on. Only, I won’t be making a writing everyday commitment. I think I’ll keep it a bit more casual. I’ve enjoyed the exercise, though.

I’ve especially enjoyed reading comments from people, some who have been friends from back in Victoria, some people I haven’t met yet.

So I’m coming out! If you know me to be all but invisible on the internet, watch out! New times are coming. I’ve going techie. LOL! KWIM! ; o )
(OK, I had to ask for help with that!)


(This is me blowing you a kiss good-bye!)

Before I go, I just want to say one thing.

Ever since I’ve known Bernice, I’ve watched her strip herself naked for you to witness. It hasn’t been easy for her, I know that, her courageous truth-telling. Imagine if you were doing the same thing. Image your light and your shadow exposed to the public eye. Some people speak about what they think, whether to offer gratitude or praise, criticize or catagorize. Others don’t speak out, but actions and inactions sometimes do the talking. What she is doing takes a lot of courage. Remember that. Remember it when she strips herself naked, vulnerable and raw. Remember she is a strong, powerful woman, with a sensitive heart, and ask yourself, how am I celebrating truth?

“Who do you admire?’ is the question for 12 days journal #298.

Day 4 Michael Land- Unappreciated

***Written by Michael***

Right now, I'm feeling pretty shitty. I had a long list of things I wanted to do today. But things didn't go that way. I spend the morning at home with Bernice. Then I drove her to her first appointment with her aesthetician friend, Kim. Then I went to go pick up her bag she left at a friends’ place last night. Then I went to the skating rink to pick up Rosy. Then we went to pick up Bernice from her first appointment, got Lily, and drove Bernice to a meeting with another friend. Then I went to pick up Lily’s friend for a play-date and drove them downtown. Rosy and I tried to find a play-date with one of her friends, with no luck, so we went together to Sidewinders where we could get her something to eat, and I could get online to write a blog since I was already behind a day.
 
I was just finishing yesterday’s entry when Bernice walked in. We kissed. I went to my facebook page and noticed that some of my friends had commented on the post I had put there about the blog. I turned to her and said, ‘I think you might get some new readers from me writing your blog.’ She said back to me, ‘Yeah, imagine if you had flogged my blog earlier, imagine how many other readers I could have.’
 
It’s amazing how fast the energy can turn cold and distant so quickly. For two people who love each other so much, we can really obscure that love in a hurry. I told her I was upset because I’ve been working hard to help her out, and it seemed like I was being dumped on instead of appreciated. She told me she was upset that I haven’t promoted her blog on facebook and been more supportive that way.
 
Sidewinders was closing, and we were the last ones in there. We packed up and left, both clearly bitter. We walked to the car in silence. Then I handed her the keys. I said, ‘I’m not going to go home with you.’ She said, ‘Come on Rosy, let’s go.’



Now I’m sitting in another café, which is about to close, pissed off mostly at how volatile our relationship can be; how easily we are both hurt; how much resentment we hold onto from the past. And I’m writing about it. Doing my best to own my part in it. It would have been easy for me to say to Bernice, ‘Oh, I didn’t realize you wanted me to promote your blog on my facebook.’ Or, ‘Sorry your not feeling supported by me. I see how important to you it is. I bet you’d love it if I was more helpful in celebrating your work.’
 
Instead I let my hurt feelings stand in the way of the deep down heart-knowing that I want to be in connection with this woman, not in conflict. Agh!
 
So, what do I do? I’m getting kicked out of another café now. Maybe it’s a sign. Hit send. Go home. Find love.
 
“How do you find your way back to love?“ is the question in 12 day journal #290

Day 12 Meditation- To All Those I Love

I have had a few people contact me inquiring about Chris, or more specifically about Chris and Kelly.

This blog depicts a sliver of my life. Any daily entry deals with how I was feeling in the moment when I had the experience I am writing about, this gets combined with where I am at emotionally and mentally while I am writing. Sometimes it isn’t about an experience at all but an idea or musing. I can imagine that it is often interpreted that what I write must be the most pertinent or important part of that day, but this is not always true. A lot of times my subject matter is determined by the specific moments I decide (or get a chance to) sit down and write, I don’t often pre plan entries, I go with what percolates to the top of my consciousness. You might read something that by the time it is published is no longer the way I look at things. This blog is but a sliver. I have not written about Kelly and Chris for a while, not because it is not important, it is just the way things have turned out. There is also the fact that I don’t really know what is going on with them outside of what I hear in passing from them both. I know Chris is taking space to get better and Kelly is taking space...period. I work really hard to keep my writing very careful, to not extrapolate or say what others did or how they feel, and I screw up plenty. It is sometimes hard for me to know when I am projecting, it is the nature of projection after all. My intention is to be very careful, which has meant in the case of Chris and Kelly that I have stayed away from discussing their relationship here on the blog. This in no way detracts from my gratitude for what Kelly has brought into our family or how she is a part of it no matter what level her relationship with Raabis is on.

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(Chris and Kelly, taken at Diversity this summer, the same weekend Kelly, Chris and Lily first met Michael)

This blog and the commitment which drives it has changed my life in ways I never imagined. It didn’t start out as a vehicle for truth and transparency but it sure ended up that way. I never expected to have my level and quality of transparency called into question, I mean I understand it, I just didn’t see it coming. It has been challenging to vulnerably put so much of myself out into the world and then hear that some people are hurt by what they read, that they question my intention. My intention was to get as close as I could to finding my truth intermingled with the truth of others, all the while being sensitive. Even then, even when I have worked to be careful people still get hurt. I know Michael has had to deal with this a lot, we have had more than one argument which stemmed from a blog entry! I have heard through the grapevine, a grapevine which I generally don’t participate in because when I do I start editing myself, that there are others out there who are upset by my choice to tell my truth. I am not sure what to say about this.

“I am sorry”?

“I understand why this is hard”?

“I hear that you are upset“?

What I can say for certain is I will continue to do my best to speak truth while being careful. This is important to me, I really do believe in what I am doing here. To some who know me this may seem hypocritical or deluded, you may see things in me that seem so God damn obvious and wonder “Why doesn’t she write about THAT if truth is so important?!”. The answer is likely that I don’t see it...yet, or that I am afraid. I want you all to know I really am doing my best, that if you feel hurt by this blog or I seem to be missing the mark, that this is not my intention. My goal is for my intention, which is liberation through as much truth and awareness as I can muster, to shine through. I do this with an even larger intention of bringing joy, ease, and celebration into this beautiful world. I am not asking anyone to like what I am doing here, just to remember that I love you, you who is reading this sentence....I love YOU. The rest we can sort out when we are both ready.

“Is there a loved one in your life who was hurt by your actions, despite this not being your intention?” is the question in 12 day journal #286

Day 5 Gift of Presence- Under My Tree

You know something I really love about my children? How on Christmas they seem more interested in giving gifts than receiving them. They did scream out in delight when they got one of their collective gift, one I can’t tell you about because one member of our family, Mr. Michael Sheely, hasn’t seen it yet and I have been sworn to secrecy. For the most part though they are more interested in giving, watching other get pleasure from their careful selection or creation, than they are in receiving. Perhaps because they know giving in receiving. Such wise and wonderful little beings they are.

I received many gifts; feathers earrings from Lily, a pair of handmade leg-warmers from Rose, a journal and hair stick from Ayla, the perfect red coral earrings from Christopher, a book of love poetry from Michael and a felted wristband from Kelly, plus lots of other wondrous things from other people who love me, lots of personal little things, chosen just for me. I am so loved.

This year I have also given an amazing gift to myself. In a little over 3 months, I will have a year of my life documented. Do you know I almost never go back and read what I have written? As soon as I post an entry it drops out of my mind. Essentially in 3 months I will have an unopened, neatly wrapped gift of one whole years worth of entries, one entry for each and every day.

And what a year to have chosen! So much has happened in the last 3 years of my life. They say it takes 7 years to completely regenerate ones body. It has taken me a little over 3 years to regenerate, reconfigure, reconstitute, my soul. There were times I swore the growth was to fast, that it was pushing me over the edge, especially in the last 6 months. Emerging from my chrysalis, sticky winged, bones created for flight stretching out for the first time, this has been painful at times, moments of pain spread across a back drop of bliss. This journey of mine, this spiritual awakening, is documented and waiting for me when the time comes. When I am able and open to read it, my herstory is waiting for me. What a glorious gift of self awareness, what care I have given myself.

In my stocking I received a tiny bindi from Chrissy, it is in the shape of a butterfly. It was meant as a small decorative token, given to me by one of my Kings, in appreciation of me, to say “I see you, see what you are going through”. Thank you Chrissy, for seeing me, for supporting me. I will wear my butterfly bindi on New Years Eve while I am dancing with my other King, the other one who sees me, supports me and loves me. Thank you Baby.



Merry Christmas to all you who celebrate. Merry Merry day to those of you who don’t.

“Is there a gift you have received in your life that stands out?” is the question in 12 days journal # 257

Day 2 Pulpit Rock- BLOGGING blog!!

I have almost nothing to say about the actual wonderful experiences involved in creating, executing, tweaking, fantasizing, working on this fantastic new adventure I am on...because I spent all my time tonight working on making a blog....ARRRGGGHHHH!!

It is late, my back and brain hurt and I need to go to bed so I can climb to the top of Pulpit tomorrow for the 3rd time. What I am excited about is the little journal I left at the top, inside a couple of baggies that asks the question “Tell me about someone/something/anything you Love”. I will let you know what was shared in tomorrows post. And hopefully get this blogging blog stuff all straightened out so I can begin the poetic part of this journey. Good night all! Wondrous wondrous dreams.

P.S. Before I go here is some info on Pulpit Rock

Day 1 Pulpit Rock- Up that hill!

Damn why did I leave it so late in the day to write this? I was inspired all morning about this experiment, and now I have moved on to being inspired about home renos. Ok lets see if I can tap back in. The hike felt great, the first of 12! I felt great about myself afterwards too. I have this positive outlook about my body when I am active. I can imagine myself to look one way one minute, then sweat and get my heart pumping and instantly imagine I look a whole other way afterwards. Nutty. I got inspired on the walk to take pictures and add these to this journal. To possibly look into blogging this journal. To make a sculpture from 5 different kinds of wood, carved to squares with rounded edges, diminishing in size by a sacred or ritualistic amount. Cool functional sculpture. I got inspired with tonnes of new 12 days ideas. Going to Vipassanna. 1 day to travel there + 10 day silent retreat + 1 day travelling home= 12 day experience. Trick will be finding one that works with the 12 days formula. Well no not trick, fun challenge. I came up with the idea of putting the 12 day schedule into my calendar. Plus many many more things, mostly esoteric and therapeutic, that I am sure I will include a version of here in this journal some day soon. Hmmm, not a bad recap at all!

Tomorrow is Easter, Chris is hiding eggs while I write this. Perhaps the kids will do Pulpit with us tomorrow....we will see.

Oh and one last thing...I better find out how this damn MacJournal program works to take full advantage of journaling! Ok off to read the help section!