January 1, 2010

Day 2 Resolution- Angels

This is a hard entry to write, it was written days after the event. I want to be truthful, transparent, but sharing some things is hard. I know I don’t have to, I do know this. It seems important though...big. Like I would be not honouring my commitment to transparency if I omitted this days events. And to be honest if I write it here in this little box and hit the “Send to Blog” button on my journalling software it goes out into the world, everyone knows and it is done. Simple. Well except for the delayed reaction that I have become accustom to when submitting detailed revealing entries; the uncomfortable conversations, lack of eye contact, even avoidance at times. I mean I am not sure, perhaps I imagine all this, but I don’t think so. So if you read this, and want to give me some loving, just come up and hug me, please.

I believe I had a miscarriage. I will never know for sure. I haven’t had a proper moon (period) in a long time now, chalked it up to how low my weigh had become. Then this morning I started to bleed, thought my moon had finally come. Then it got painful, really painful, and I recognized the pain was following a pattern, peaks and valleys...labour. I was bleeding heavily, I didn’t know what was happening. By the time I had some clarity on what was happening I was in an altered state, felt like an animal, couldn’t convey to those around me what was going on. I had moments of being fine and thinking I was imagining it, then BOOM back into the pain. If it was a miscarriage I could have been only just pregnant or up to 10 weeks. My cycle has been all over the place since the summer, it is a possibility that I what I experienced was simply the most painful moon of my entire life, but when I add up all the signs it points to miscarriage, my heart says miscarriag. Like I say I will never know for sure.

The hardest part was that Michael and I argued right before it began. We have been deeply connected since coming back together 4 days ago, then things got hairy. I couldn’t communicate what was going on, how could I? I didn’t know. How could he have known either? I just seemed to be going wild. In the end we reconnected, we made the best of the situation, but it was far from the kind of love and communion we are capable of. I know we both feel a lot of regret and sadness at how things went down.

The second hardest part is that Michael wants a child really badly. This was hard on him, for many reasons.

In a way it was a terrible thing to experience at a winter gathering. There was nowhere to go, no privacy. Bleeding behind a curtain while workshops were going on was rough. But there was also this swelling of so many hearts, people came together to support both Michael and I, which was especially needed since we weren’t able to fully connect through it. Jennifer, a mama with 3 kids who has had an unassisted birth and understood my birth ethic was an angel from heaven, she was my rock. Emilo, Joey, Linda, Casey, Tad, Remo, Acaiah, Terra, all people who 4 days ago I didn’t even know, swooped in like family and carried us. Thank you all, I am so grateful for you.

I found this picture on the Intention website. I am not sure who created it, or the story behind it. I do know that when I look at it, it feels VERY familiar. Ease will eventually emerge, I know this, right now though I feel as though I am weathering the storm.


“What do you do when you are not getting the support you desire?” is the question in 12 days journal #264


  1. What do I do when I'm not getting the support I desire?

    I go into solitude.

  2. hang out with Nature thus giving the support i desire to myself.

  3. Oh B, I am so so sorry, all my love from the land of wild tides!


  4. Ask my sisters to remind me how too fly when I forgot how to use my wings...B I support you and would love to rub your back and hug your belly, give you a shoulder for you to lean on to catch your breath. When your ready, I am here.
    Love you sister.

  5. I love you Melissa...I am sorry I am not being much of a sister right now. I am in California, when I come home I will come over and likely cry while you rub my back and belly. I am so blessed to have you in my life..waiting in the wings. Your wings are SO very full and beautiful.