January 3, 2010

Day 4 Resolution- Mountain Sanctuary

As frozen prairie merges with rock and conifers I stare out the window taking stock of my life. Not the whole thing, mostly just the last 2 years, actually more the last 6 months. I am aware that I haven’t really been telling my story much lately, that other than a few entries here and there most of what I post is pretty surface. I went really deep there a few months ago, my radical truth telling had an unexpected earth shattering effect in my life. Everywhere I went I felt completely naked, vulnerable and began to obsess about what others judgements of me might be. Ultimately I was dealing with my own self judgements which were easier to hide when the whole world didn’t know so much of my truth.

As I sit travelling back to BC, leaving the province I lived in for 28 years, a place I never felt I belonged, I let tears fall down my cheeks. These tears come as I consciously acknowledge to myself just how lonely and isolated I have felt while going through a transformation I am afraid to name. Afraid of judgement, this time with full knowledge of how uncomfortable it might be if I do. So for now I will not give anything a name. I will take a baby step and offer this:

There has not been any part of me that has not changed since the summer Solstice, my ideas, my body, my relationships, my sexuality, my plans, my heart, they are all new. Some things remain, my commitment to finding ease in my connection with spirit through knowing myself, this is still steady as the mountains which are emerging in the distance, a sign that we are nearing my mountain home. I suppose this dedication to divine connection may be the “why?” behind this transformation.

(“Transformation by Amy Ledbetter http://www.ledbetterart.com/ )

”Have you gone through a period of rapid growth in your life time?“ is the question in 12 days journal #266

1 comment:

  1. YES. I don't want to go into this deeply as I could mess up what others are doing to help, but near the end of November my friend Krista asked me to guest blog on the topic of...inspiration...I just wrote, no editting, about my inspiration in parenting. I wanted to write about my sisters, but in the process I delved much deeper into the lack of positive parenting I had as a child and the sexual abuse I was subjected to by my stepfather. Speaking that naked truth brought me closer to my sisters - we talked about it for the first time in over 20 years. It made me confront my mother and her response confirmed that I do not own this, her refusal to help me was all her issues. I'm still working through a healthy approach to this but leaving it open, raw, uncovered is the healthy route, even as the nerves are exposed again, and I want to scream, and wail at the pain. I am opening myself up to all criticism, all blame, all eyes in what I'm doing now. I'm not afraid. I know its going to hurt, but the truth matters more than any discomfort I might face now.