Day 1 Lovin Nelson- Present Tense

In the moment I write this I believe I am the closest I even have been to not finishing this project. Not because I am stressed out, or uninspired, or anything “uncomfortable”, I am more just loving being here in the moment, every moment. It is difficult to get motivated to write about the past or think about my future deadline which is now just over a month away. Can you believe it? I just got an email... oh and Michael just walked in the door after contact dance, I feel the call again to walk away from my computer, experience what is happening right here, right now, cuddle the man I love.

(time passes)

It is 14 hours later now. Right here just has so much beauty, so many conversation to be had, it is making it really hard to get caught up. To help me deal with this I have been asking for help, letting people in my life know that my current state of intense presence has a glorious shadow side that makes being present somewhat inconvenient. I constantly loose my keys, as soon as I no longer need them to run my car I forget them. I have a tendency to want to doodle when inspired, make art from the moment instead of editing posts already written. This is my main reason for falling behind on this blog. I am coming up with creative ways of dealing with this. I am thinking of getting a purse that has compartments (I know other womyn figured this one out years ago, but I never got with the program), or better yet getting Jill to create pockets for my existing bag which I love so much. I am asking friends to kick me out of their shops and homes, encourage me to go write. I console myself with the promise of doodling unencumbered by troublesome thoughts of “work to be done”.

I know I am going to finish, how can I not?! This project is so great, so amazing, and I want this. I am getting better and better at asking for what I want, at giving it to myself and accepting it from others. If you read this you will know I made it through, and know when you do that you helped me in you own specific special way,in a way no one else could because no one else is you. Thank you. I love you.

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(pic of me at Esalen, one of the many places I have learned about soaking in the moment)

“How do your friends help you?” is the question in 12 days journal #323

Day 6 Resolution- Present Struggle

I want to cry, I am holding it back which is leaving an empty feeling of pressure at the back of my throat, that all too familiar pain in my sternum, like I am stepping on my own chest, which I most likely am. I want to be hugged, cared for, looked at, understood, all of this is elusive at the moment. I called a girlfriend, but she is not answering her phone, she is working, providing for her family. My heart aches and I am the only one in this moment who I can reach out to to hold this beautiful tender heart of mine. Why after all these years, nearly 36, do I still not know how to soothe my own pain in a way which can be attempted in the middle of a coffee shop, which is where I am. If I were to crawl away like I often do, to cry, fill my tears with these overwhelming emotions, I know it would bring relief. This though requires explanation and the chance of triggering another who is already triggered, more mess to unravel later, so instead I sit and type, and the pain grows. I try small talk, perhaps it will carve out some sort of hole to make being out of connection bearable for this heart of mine.

“Just experience this moment, and only this moment, don’t add any story from the future or past”

“Just Breathe”



This is the advice that comes in over and over, from where I am too embarrassed to say. It seems simple, and it is, ordinary even. My friend K.D. and I talk a lot about how the simple things, the things that were once so very ordinary are now what we struggle to accomplish most . The extraordinary on the other hand seems to make all the sense in the world; these things fall into place, click- click- click, in a fantastic manner I could not have even dreamed up, or perhaps I did and that is how it all works.

I call my girlfriend again, still no answer. She is not in this moment, not really part of my ‘now’ but I am trying to pull her in anyway. Desperate for comfort that doesn’t come at a cost. Desperate to not feel the worry accompanied with the idea of posting this entry on the blog and dealing with the fallout.

What do I really want? What is this all about? I want to mourn what happened on New Years Day, and I feel anxious and fragile because can’t find the physical or emotional space to do this...God I miss the studio.

(Time Passes)

My friend came, she hugged me while I cried just outside the cafe. We came back inside, sat down, chatted, others arrived. The pain is gone, the sadness lingers but I know from a whole 36 years worth of experience that it too will fade. As for this moment, this one I am in right now, I feel my fingers hitting keys, have awareness around who occupies the seats surrounding me, there is music behind the bustle of voices. I look up, make eye contact, human connection, love. Ahhh... What a lovely moment.

“What do you do that helps you to remain present to the current moment?” is the question in 12 days journal #268