January 23, 2010

Day 12 Meditation- To All Those I Love

I have had a few people contact me inquiring about Chris, or more specifically about Chris and Kelly.

This blog depicts a sliver of my life. Any daily entry deals with how I was feeling in the moment when I had the experience I am writing about, this gets combined with where I am at emotionally and mentally while I am writing. Sometimes it isn’t about an experience at all but an idea or musing. I can imagine that it is often interpreted that what I write must be the most pertinent or important part of that day, but this is not always true. A lot of times my subject matter is determined by the specific moments I decide (or get a chance to) sit down and write, I don’t often pre plan entries, I go with what percolates to the top of my consciousness. You might read something that by the time it is published is no longer the way I look at things. This blog is but a sliver. I have not written about Kelly and Chris for a while, not because it is not important, it is just the way things have turned out. There is also the fact that I don’t really know what is going on with them outside of what I hear in passing from them both. I know Chris is taking space to get better and Kelly is taking space...period. I work really hard to keep my writing very careful, to not extrapolate or say what others did or how they feel, and I screw up plenty. It is sometimes hard for me to know when I am projecting, it is the nature of projection after all. My intention is to be very careful, which has meant in the case of Chris and Kelly that I have stayed away from discussing their relationship here on the blog. This in no way detracts from my gratitude for what Kelly has brought into our family or how she is a part of it no matter what level her relationship with Raabis is on.

(Chris and Kelly, taken at Diversity this summer, the same weekend Kelly, Chris and Lily first met Michael)

This blog and the commitment which drives it has changed my life in ways I never imagined. It didn’t start out as a vehicle for truth and transparency but it sure ended up that way. I never expected to have my level and quality of transparency called into question, I mean I understand it, I just didn’t see it coming. It has been challenging to vulnerably put so much of myself out into the world and then hear that some people are hurt by what they read, that they question my intention. My intention was to get as close as I could to finding my truth intermingled with the truth of others, all the while being sensitive. Even then, even when I have worked to be careful people still get hurt. I know Michael has had to deal with this a lot, we have had more than one argument which stemmed from a blog entry! I have heard through the grapevine, a grapevine which I generally don’t participate in because when I do I start editing myself, that there are others out there who are upset by my choice to tell my truth. I am not sure what to say about this.

“I am sorry”?

“I understand why this is hard”?

“I hear that you are upset“?

What I can say for certain is I will continue to do my best to speak truth while being careful. This is important to me, I really do believe in what I am doing here. To some who know me this may seem hypocritical or deluded, you may see things in me that seem so God damn obvious and wonder “Why doesn’t she write about THAT if truth is so important?!”. The answer is likely that I don’t see it...yet, or that I am afraid. I want you all to know I really am doing my best, that if you feel hurt by this blog or I seem to be missing the mark, that this is not my intention. My goal is for my intention, which is liberation through as much truth and awareness as I can muster, to shine through. I do this with an even larger intention of bringing joy, ease, and celebration into this beautiful world. I am not asking anyone to like what I am doing here, just to remember that I love you, you who is reading this sentence....I love YOU. The rest we can sort out when we are both ready.

“Is there a loved one in your life who was hurt by your actions, despite this not being your intention?” is the question in 12 day journal #286


  1. The last month of 'space' and 'quiet' has been extremely important for me.

    Q:"Is there a loved one in your life who was hurt by your actions despite this not being your intention?"

    A: Of course. ALL THE TIME.

    I don't walk on eggshells, however I sure appreciate the opportunity to discuss and move through it. That's what it's all about.Our loved ones have eyes where we have doubts. Sometimes words don't work. This is where actions come into it...like me taking space. When I don't understand something, I take space and look at it from a distance, and give myself time to integrate it. Otherwise i get resentful and filled to the brim with "angsty goodness". If I don't feel heard, I do the same.

    It has been very challenging for me in many ways. I certainly don't always feel heard, but that's sort of the 'theme song' of the situation. I hope the song changes. I'm rewriting it now. I've got the melody, but I am working on the lyrics.

    Then again...that's my take on it. That doesn't mean it's right or wrong... but I like being wrong. It means I'm open to learning something...I don't want to stop learning.

    And yes, your blog is but one sliver of the experience, and bares the colour of your own perspectives and filters, just as mine would.
    It adds flavor.

    Thank you for acknowledging that.

    I am doing the best I can with the tools and energy I have at the moment...and often I mess up. But that's where the meat is. That's where the edge of my awareness is. That's the best thing I can hope for, because that's when opportunity finds me.

    Love, Blessings and gratuitous leg humps.


  2. I have to admit I am taken back every time I hear that you have been attacked. You and I both know I hold different spiritual beliefs - yet intellectually I do get where you are coming from.
    You are a woman (sorry, womyn ... :)) that really thinks about what she believes and why she believes it. You study, research and seek out what is on your heart - and then you gracefully and strongly stand on your convictions.
    I truly and sincerely love and respect you.
    And I think it is just common sense that this blog - as thorough as you have been - is only a glimpse into your life, who you are and who your family is.
    With respect - all my love and prayers my friend.

  3. I wasn't attacked, just questioned, i know most of what I feel is my own self judgment.

    Thank you ruthie, you have always been right there to support me, you are a wonderful friend.

  4. Oh. The list is long. My parents, my sister, my first girlfriend, my second GF other GFs, my ex wife. Ouch. Ihave been very selfish I think, living in my own world for a long time, where other people appeared as threats. Like everyone my reality was based on a few incidents in my early life and grew into a way of being. Now it's a matter of letting go of all that, or letting it be.

  5. Coming back to this to say THANK YOU to Kelly for sharing what you did above. Your perspective sounds to me very mature and self-honoring. It is wonderful to know yourself so well that you can take time and space when you need it...that can be such a hard thing to do! I have appreciated all that you've shared here on Bernice's blog very much. :-)