January 5, 2010

Day 6 Resolution- Present Struggle

I want to cry, I am holding it back which is leaving an empty feeling of pressure at the back of my throat, that all too familiar pain in my sternum, like I am stepping on my own chest, which I most likely am. I want to be hugged, cared for, looked at, understood, all of this is elusive at the moment. I called a girlfriend, but she is not answering her phone, she is working, providing for her family. My heart aches and I am the only one in this moment who I can reach out to to hold this beautiful tender heart of mine. Why after all these years, nearly 36, do I still not know how to soothe my own pain in a way which can be attempted in the middle of a coffee shop, which is where I am. If I were to crawl away like I often do, to cry, fill my tears with these overwhelming emotions, I know it would bring relief. This though requires explanation and the chance of triggering another who is already triggered, more mess to unravel later, so instead I sit and type, and the pain grows. I try small talk, perhaps it will carve out some sort of hole to make being out of connection bearable for this heart of mine.

“Just experience this moment, and only this moment, don’t add any story from the future or past”

“Just Breathe”


This is the advice that comes in over and over, from where I am too embarrassed to say. It seems simple, and it is, ordinary even. My friend K.D. and I talk a lot about how the simple things, the things that were once so very ordinary are now what we struggle to accomplish most . The extraordinary on the other hand seems to make all the sense in the world; these things fall into place, click- click- click, in a fantastic manner I could not have even dreamed up, or perhaps I did and that is how it all works.

I call my girlfriend again, still no answer. She is not in this moment, not really part of my ‘now’ but I am trying to pull her in anyway. Desperate for comfort that doesn’t come at a cost. Desperate to not feel the worry accompanied with the idea of posting this entry on the blog and dealing with the fallout.

What do I really want? What is this all about? I want to mourn what happened on New Years Day, and I feel anxious and fragile because can’t find the physical or emotional space to do this...God I miss the studio.

(Time Passes)

My friend came, she hugged me while I cried just outside the cafe. We came back inside, sat down, chatted, others arrived. The pain is gone, the sadness lingers but I know from a whole 36 years worth of experience that it too will fade. As for this moment, this one I am in right now, I feel my fingers hitting keys, have awareness around who occupies the seats surrounding me, there is music behind the bustle of voices. I look up, make eye contact, human connection, love. Ahhh... What a lovely moment.

“What do you do that helps you to remain present to the current moment?” is the question in 12 days journal #268

1 comment:

  1. you have support and love from people that you don't even know are giving it.

    I give you a hug and throw in the air so you can receive it wherever you might be.

    love.. love... love....

    Kari from Intention
    the one who cried before doing open ceremony on new years eve. :)