January 27, 2010

Day 4 Michael Land- Unappreciated

***Written by Michael***

Right now, I'm feeling pretty shitty. I had a long list of things I wanted to do today. But things didn't go that way. I spend the morning at home with Bernice. Then I drove her to her first appointment with her aesthetician friend, Kim. Then I went to go pick up her bag she left at a friends’ place last night. Then I went to the skating rink to pick up Rosy. Then we went to pick up Bernice from her first appointment, got Lily, and drove Bernice to a meeting with another friend. Then I went to pick up Lily’s friend for a play-date and drove them downtown. Rosy and I tried to find a play-date with one of her friends, with no luck, so we went together to Sidewinders where we could get her something to eat, and I could get online to write a blog since I was already behind a day.
I was just finishing yesterday’s entry when Bernice walked in. We kissed. I went to my facebook page and noticed that some of my friends had commented on the post I had put there about the blog. I turned to her and said, ‘I think you might get some new readers from me writing your blog.’ She said back to me, ‘Yeah, imagine if you had flogged my blog earlier, imagine how many other readers I could have.’
It’s amazing how fast the energy can turn cold and distant so quickly. For two people who love each other so much, we can really obscure that love in a hurry. I told her I was upset because I’ve been working hard to help her out, and it seemed like I was being dumped on instead of appreciated. She told me she was upset that I haven’t promoted her blog on facebook and been more supportive that way.
Sidewinders was closing, and we were the last ones in there. We packed up and left, both clearly bitter. We walked to the car in silence. Then I handed her the keys. I said, ‘I’m not going to go home with you.’ She said, ‘Come on Rosy, let’s go.’


Now I’m sitting in another café, which is about to close, pissed off mostly at how volatile our relationship can be; how easily we are both hurt; how much resentment we hold onto from the past. And I’m writing about it. Doing my best to own my part in it. It would have been easy for me to say to Bernice, ‘Oh, I didn’t realize you wanted me to promote your blog on my facebook.’ Or, ‘Sorry your not feeling supported by me. I see how important to you it is. I bet you’d love it if I was more helpful in celebrating your work.’
Instead I let my hurt feelings stand in the way of the deep down heart-knowing that I want to be in connection with this woman, not in conflict. Agh!
So, what do I do? I’m getting kicked out of another café now. Maybe it’s a sign. Hit send. Go home. Find love.
“How do you find your way back to love?“ is the question in 12 day journal #290


  1. here is some levity for your situation...

  2. "How do I find my way back to love?":

    Hmmm. I think it finds me. It did in this case...

  3. It always come right back to loving myself. I just cannot find my way back to love until I am loving myself again/still.