I am at the end of the commitment. I still haven’t decided 100%, but I have decided 90%. I have to go to school before I can really say what I am choosing. I am pretty sure I know how it looks but I need for it to organically unfold before I can be sure.
So here is the deal. It is being suggested to me that I leave school, that I come back this August and next for a month long intensive, that I delay my education for a while until I get my health in order. To be honest I know it is a damn good idea...but I can’t help feeling like I will be giving up on something...I just can’t figure out what? Me? Tamalpa? Working? Education...Ugh.
“Have you ever felt like a failure?” is the question in 12 days journal #310
Showing posts with label decision time. Show all posts
Showing posts with label decision time. Show all posts
February 16, 2010
February 15, 2010
Day 11 Decision Time- Home?
I am off to California again. I leave the day after tomorrow. I will be going to Esalen to dance. Packing for Esalen is complicated, for me at least. I have to pack enough clothes to sweat through them at least twice a day. They have to work for a whole variety of possibilities when it comes to the weather. I have been to Big Sur in the summer when it was freezing cold and in the winter when we were sunbathing nude during lunch break. And of course lets face it, the MOST important thing is that the clothes look damn good! I really love to dress up.
My trip this time will last for 10 days, it is a long one. The desision I am making will impact how often I continue to travel. I love my time in California. I love the places where I have become a regular, the food, my friends, the dancing. It is also begining to wear on me, on my girls, on Chris. It is my second home, and it is causing some strain on my first.
I am still very much undecided. One minute I am convinced I am going to choose one thing, 20 minutes later I want to choose the other. Sigh.
“Where do you consider to be your second home?” is the question in 12 days journal #309
My trip this time will last for 10 days, it is a long one. The desision I am making will impact how often I continue to travel. I love my time in California. I love the places where I have become a regular, the food, my friends, the dancing. It is also begining to wear on me, on my girls, on Chris. It is my second home, and it is causing some strain on my first.
I am still very much undecided. One minute I am convinced I am going to choose one thing, 20 minutes later I want to choose the other. Sigh.
“Where do you consider to be your second home?” is the question in 12 days journal #309
February 14, 2010
Day 10 Decision Time- 3 Saints
I love Valentines Day, I believe that I may be in the minority though. A whole lot of folk round here are trashing the holiday. I hear about it being a “Hallmark” holiday, that it discriminates, causes a whole lot of expectation. I get all that, really I do. It is just that I personally love any excuse to celebrate love.
We decided to all go out for a delicious dinner; Me, Chris and Michael. Made a reservation for 3 at Fusion, my favourite restaurant. Got all dressed up and went out on the town to bust up conventional ideas about relationships and love.
Rose was NOT happy at being excluded from our Valentines plans. She refused to get out of the picture so you could see our snazzy outfits, so here is two pics. One of Rose being a complete pill and throwing things into the picture, the other our smilin faces without our fantastic outfits.
The food was unbelievable, the conversation fun and lively. The wine flowed, the dessert was amazing. When the server came to give us the bill she looked at both these beautiful men...and handed ME the check. Smart move.
Happy Valentines Day to you all! <3
"How do you celebrate love?" is the question in 12 days journal #308
We decided to all go out for a delicious dinner; Me, Chris and Michael. Made a reservation for 3 at Fusion, my favourite restaurant. Got all dressed up and went out on the town to bust up conventional ideas about relationships and love.
Rose was NOT happy at being excluded from our Valentines plans. She refused to get out of the picture so you could see our snazzy outfits, so here is two pics. One of Rose being a complete pill and throwing things into the picture, the other our smilin faces without our fantastic outfits.
The food was unbelievable, the conversation fun and lively. The wine flowed, the dessert was amazing. When the server came to give us the bill she looked at both these beautiful men...and handed ME the check. Smart move.
Happy Valentines Day to you all! <3
"How do you celebrate love?" is the question in 12 days journal #308
February 13, 2010
Day 9 Decision Time- Inga
Well I finally did it, I particiapted in a Burlesque show. I love Burlesque, it is all about celebrating the sexiness of us gorgoues human beings. The show which is put on here in Nelson by Mary Scarlet Rose rivals any done in a big center. She celebrates diversity; diversity of body types, sexuality and performance style. The show is done as a fund rasier for the Womens Shelter. It is also a service to our community in that it brings sexuality out into the public eye in a playful way so we can all get used to the idea that sex is here to stay, nessasary in fact for the survival of our species. I figure if we are all created by sex, most of us have sex, why not have fun with the topic?!
Just to be clear, since I reread that last paragraph and thought to myself, “Geez Bernice they might think that Burlesque means sex show!. Burlesque is a dance where clothese are sexily removed. Different performers do it differently, there were many acts where nothing was removed, a few where only a few items were removed and a few more where the performers went down to pasties (glued on nipple covers), and tiny panties (or a fake minge ...click on the word if you want to know what it is). I was the sweeper, which means I went out in a sexy costume inbetween acts and collected what had been left behind. This involves a lot of bending over to show off cute frilly panties and antics, playing with the audience and otherperformers. It was perfect for me, no coreography or rehearsals, lots of stage time and many oppurtunities to play. I have a wonderful experience and who knows, maybe next year I will take off an item or two.
”How do you like to play?“ is the question in 12 days journal #307
Just to be clear, since I reread that last paragraph and thought to myself, “Geez Bernice they might think that Burlesque means sex show!. Burlesque is a dance where clothese are sexily removed. Different performers do it differently, there were many acts where nothing was removed, a few where only a few items were removed and a few more where the performers went down to pasties (glued on nipple covers), and tiny panties (or a fake minge ...click on the word if you want to know what it is). I was the sweeper, which means I went out in a sexy costume inbetween acts and collected what had been left behind. This involves a lot of bending over to show off cute frilly panties and antics, playing with the audience and otherperformers. It was perfect for me, no coreography or rehearsals, lots of stage time and many oppurtunities to play. I have a wonderful experience and who knows, maybe next year I will take off an item or two.
”How do you like to play?“ is the question in 12 days journal #307
February 12, 2010
Day 8 Decision Time- Day Off
Day Off...Drama, Migraine, Sleep...then my girls came in and showed me their Valentines. I got lots of cuddles, from everyone.
I am choosing not to write any more today. See you tomorrow after the burlesque show.
“What would you do with a day off?” is the question in 12 days journal #306
I am choosing not to write any more today. See you tomorrow after the burlesque show.
“What would you do with a day off?” is the question in 12 days journal #306
February 11, 2010
Day 7 Decision Time- Time Time Time
UGH!! I am falling way behind again. Time...god damn time (sorry God)!! I feel so time challenged lately.
I have a Mayan calendar theory that goes like this; we as a species will eventually loose the need to keep time, we will be come so present, so aware of our surroundings that the “keeping” of time will become irrelevant. This is why the Mayan calendar ends, simply because it become redundant, unnecessary. There is no big Armageddon, no collapse of economy and cultural structure that rocks the world and causes mass amounts of pain and suffering, just a simple blissful transcendence.
Doesn’t that sound a lot better than doom and gloom? This is what I am going to choose to believe. That my struggle with time is actually just part of the grand awakening. Some may call this deluded, I call it choosing my truth.
Shit I am running out of writing time, I have an appointment at 2:15pm, one I showed up for at 11:00am this morning. Yup I am a little time challenged at the moment, what can I say.
“What is your personal relationship with time?” is the question in 12 days journal #305
I have a Mayan calendar theory that goes like this; we as a species will eventually loose the need to keep time, we will be come so present, so aware of our surroundings that the “keeping” of time will become irrelevant. This is why the Mayan calendar ends, simply because it become redundant, unnecessary. There is no big Armageddon, no collapse of economy and cultural structure that rocks the world and causes mass amounts of pain and suffering, just a simple blissful transcendence.
Doesn’t that sound a lot better than doom and gloom? This is what I am going to choose to believe. That my struggle with time is actually just part of the grand awakening. Some may call this deluded, I call it choosing my truth.
Shit I am running out of writing time, I have an appointment at 2:15pm, one I showed up for at 11:00am this morning. Yup I am a little time challenged at the moment, what can I say.
“What is your personal relationship with time?” is the question in 12 days journal #305
February 10, 2010
Day 6 Decision Time- Mythical Mask Making
Michael and I are doing a leather mask making workshop. Michael's is mostly complete. His is the one that looks like a mythical coyote. It looks amazing in person.
Mine is more ambiguous, I purposely didn’t choose a theme, archetype or animal, I just let the mask emerge. I believe it is a butterfly phoenix sadness mask...I have created my own archetype. It still needs to be stained, the colour really adds to the finished look of the mask.
We took the workshop from Hejon, the father of the MythMakers . If you ever get a chance to go see this travelling mythical circus go! They are a sight to see, like fairy world meets the Orc’s from Lord Of The Rings
“What archetype do you relate to?” is the question in 12 days journal #304
Mine is more ambiguous, I purposely didn’t choose a theme, archetype or animal, I just let the mask emerge. I believe it is a butterfly phoenix sadness mask...I have created my own archetype. It still needs to be stained, the colour really adds to the finished look of the mask.
We took the workshop from Hejon, the father of the MythMakers . If you ever get a chance to go see this travelling mythical circus go! They are a sight to see, like fairy world meets the Orc’s from Lord Of The Rings
“What archetype do you relate to?” is the question in 12 days journal #304
February 9, 2010
Day 5 Decision Time- Blah Blah Blah
Why is cleaning the house such a cause for conflict? It seems as though it is older than old too, like it goes back to the beginning of time when cave mama’s got mad at the whole clan for not cleaning up their mammoth bones .
Just in case you get the idea from reading this that I am one of those neat mothers, like my friend Tammy who always seemed to have a perfectly clean house no matter what, I am NOT one of those mothers. I struggle to keep my stuff in check. Most of the time I clean the bathroom on the fly, wipe a sink down on one trip, scrub the toilet the next, maybe . My home is rarely clean all at the same time, there are times when a whole room in clean though, I count this as a success. The fact that I struggle with cleaning seems to make the contention worse, maybe this is just a story I tell myself.
My family really does do the best they can. We are all still sick. This virus that got hold of us before Christmas is damn persistent. I have a mild case and every time I cough my body is rocked, my diaphragm spasms and I am left struggling to breathe. It is the most terrible cough I have ever had in my life. Lily is back to puking, Chris is basically bed ridden again, though he is so tired of being sick he keeps pushing himself which is likely prolonging things. Ayla is home and coughing, looking sad and frustrated. Rose is pretty perky while sick, always has been, what a gift. Michael just seems tired, he said a while back that he thinks his body is working to resist the virus.
I have a trust in our human form, that we are perfectly designed to deal with our environment, and with our humanness. This is why I choose to birth the way I do, the reason our family deals with illness by using herbs, homeopathic to support our system while it does the work that it was designed to do. I believe that the immune system functions better if it gets a chance to work, and that each time it becomes more and more able to deal with other things which will come along. My family’s immune system is going to be kick ass when this is all done...then maybe we can all clean the house. I need to chill about the house being clean.
“Do you like to clean?” is purposely ambiguous question in 12 days journal #303
Just in case you get the idea from reading this that I am one of those neat mothers, like my friend Tammy who always seemed to have a perfectly clean house no matter what, I am NOT one of those mothers. I struggle to keep my stuff in check. Most of the time I clean the bathroom on the fly, wipe a sink down on one trip, scrub the toilet the next, maybe . My home is rarely clean all at the same time, there are times when a whole room in clean though, I count this as a success. The fact that I struggle with cleaning seems to make the contention worse, maybe this is just a story I tell myself.
My family really does do the best they can. We are all still sick. This virus that got hold of us before Christmas is damn persistent. I have a mild case and every time I cough my body is rocked, my diaphragm spasms and I am left struggling to breathe. It is the most terrible cough I have ever had in my life. Lily is back to puking, Chris is basically bed ridden again, though he is so tired of being sick he keeps pushing himself which is likely prolonging things. Ayla is home and coughing, looking sad and frustrated. Rose is pretty perky while sick, always has been, what a gift. Michael just seems tired, he said a while back that he thinks his body is working to resist the virus.
I have a trust in our human form, that we are perfectly designed to deal with our environment, and with our humanness. This is why I choose to birth the way I do, the reason our family deals with illness by using herbs, homeopathic to support our system while it does the work that it was designed to do. I believe that the immune system functions better if it gets a chance to work, and that each time it becomes more and more able to deal with other things which will come along. My family’s immune system is going to be kick ass when this is all done...then maybe we can all clean the house. I need to chill about the house being clean.
“Do you like to clean?” is purposely ambiguous question in 12 days journal #303
February 8, 2010
Day 4 Decision Time- The Source Eternal
“Incredible though it seems, it is a fact
That Prana and pure consciousness react
On one another to produce the myth
Of this stupendous world we battle with.
Then consciousness a wondrous aspect wears,
So lofty and sublime that all our fears
And doubts about ourselves dissolve at once,
As if illuminated by one hundred suns
Of knowledge to be assured the Vision seen
Is that which will be , is and e’er has been;
The Source Eternal of all that is known.
The world of that too by which it is shown
The mind and process by which this is done:
The whole scheme of creation in but One
In this amazing Presence all
The staggering worlds, which awe us and enthral,
Become a ghostly shadow seen at night;
A far- off melting cloud in sunshine bright,
While mind, with ego vastly whittled down,
In mute astonishment sees itself drown,
Into one all-enfolding life sublime,
Only pure consciousness, devoid of time
And space, one all-embracing world of love
And joy not found on earth or heaven above.“
-Gopi Krishna
”Do you believe in a path to enlightenment?“ is the question in 12 days journal #302
I don’t often answer my own question here on the blog, this time though I feel pulled to comment.
I have never really considered enlightenment to be a realistic or desirable destination. I do however believe that the journey towards this ambiguous state of being is a sublime dedication worth buying a one way ticket for. Committing to travel this path filled with struggle and joy, following what I know from within, what is whispered and imprinted on my DNA, has long been my practice. I also have to admit that I never expected this long winding path to look this way. This path often narrows out to nothing but a barely perceptible rut, one which I question with every fibre of my being all the while dutifully treading on. It is often in these moments of almost complete doubt that the path opens right up into a super highway, furious and fast paced, lesson after lesson, confirmation everywhere that this IS the way, my way. I don’t really care if I ever find enlightenment. Truthfully the idea scares me, I am not ready to let go of all my attachments yet, but the journey I trust. Should I actually arrive at the terminus of this trip, evaporate into a light being, and merge with The Source Eternal of all that is Known, then I suppose I will be ready, at which time I will likely feel ready and will actually want it. For right now I will just journey, stop to rest when I need to, and continue following the voice of The Source Eternal, who is by the way a fabulous travelling companion.
That Prana and pure consciousness react
On one another to produce the myth
Of this stupendous world we battle with.
Then consciousness a wondrous aspect wears,
So lofty and sublime that all our fears
And doubts about ourselves dissolve at once,
As if illuminated by one hundred suns
Of knowledge to be assured the Vision seen
Is that which will be , is and e’er has been;
The Source Eternal of all that is known.
The world of that too by which it is shown
The mind and process by which this is done:
The whole scheme of creation in but One
In this amazing Presence all
The staggering worlds, which awe us and enthral,
Become a ghostly shadow seen at night;
A far- off melting cloud in sunshine bright,
While mind, with ego vastly whittled down,
In mute astonishment sees itself drown,
Into one all-enfolding life sublime,
Only pure consciousness, devoid of time
And space, one all-embracing world of love
And joy not found on earth or heaven above.“
-Gopi Krishna
”Do you believe in a path to enlightenment?“ is the question in 12 days journal #302
I don’t often answer my own question here on the blog, this time though I feel pulled to comment.
I have never really considered enlightenment to be a realistic or desirable destination. I do however believe that the journey towards this ambiguous state of being is a sublime dedication worth buying a one way ticket for. Committing to travel this path filled with struggle and joy, following what I know from within, what is whispered and imprinted on my DNA, has long been my practice. I also have to admit that I never expected this long winding path to look this way. This path often narrows out to nothing but a barely perceptible rut, one which I question with every fibre of my being all the while dutifully treading on. It is often in these moments of almost complete doubt that the path opens right up into a super highway, furious and fast paced, lesson after lesson, confirmation everywhere that this IS the way, my way. I don’t really care if I ever find enlightenment. Truthfully the idea scares me, I am not ready to let go of all my attachments yet, but the journey I trust. Should I actually arrive at the terminus of this trip, evaporate into a light being, and merge with The Source Eternal of all that is Known, then I suppose I will be ready, at which time I will likely feel ready and will actually want it. For right now I will just journey, stop to rest when I need to, and continue following the voice of The Source Eternal, who is by the way a fabulous travelling companion.
February 7, 2010
Day 3 Decision Time- How Does your Garden Grow?
I was outside REO video store this evening when Chris made a comment to me about the public perception of him within of our blended family.
Michael and I had been grocery shopping, we met up with Raabis (Chris) in the dairy aisle. He had been at a writing workshop all day. He put his groceries into the cart and we strolled the aisles together. Raabis being able to go to a workshop on the same day I have a full day of rehearsals is one of the many perks of having 3 adults living in a house. When we had finished our grocery shop we went our separate ways, Michael and I to get veggies at the co-op, Raabis went to pick up Lily. We unexpectedly met back up at the movie store, we were dropping off Hump Day, a brilliant movie which, unbeknownst to us, addresses polyamory and the the relationship between men. He came over to my car and out of the blue said,
“You know I think there are a lot of people out there who have an idea that this living situation is something that is being forced upon me. People don’t seem to get how much space and freedom it has given me”.
Uh huh...Ugh... yes, this I know.
Mother guilt and wife guilt have been very hard to navigate through this last 8 months. In the beginning the major theme was that we were going to mess up our kids. Eight months later our children are doing great. There are still times that being “different” brings tears, but most often the kids express gratitude for how our blending has effected their day to day. The mama guilt factor is lower now for me, I am more confident in my choice; I can see the positive outcomes, rather than having to go on projected hopes for the future.
The wife guilt is a little harder. People seem more reluctant to be vocal with their ideas and stories in relation to the dynamic between the 3 adults. I suspect, I even feel confident saying “I know”, people have/had “poor Chris” ideas. I have to admit this kinda pisses me off, and it doesn’t give Chris much credit. I realize it is hard for many to not simply take themselves, their stories, their ideas and transplant themselves into our situation; imagine what they themselves would feel if they were thrown into a polyamorus cohabitating situation. This is not how it works though. We are not you. This is not new to us, we have been open for over 9 years now. We are meeting our needs in the way that works for us.
I can tell you till the cows come home that this is what Chris has chosen, that this is not him reluctantly acquiescing to my desire. I have a feeling whether you believe this or not doesn’t have a lot to do with me or what I say though, that it has everything to do with you. And since what anyone believes is likely to eventually change it is silly to even concern myself with it. Believe it or not, it is up to you.
I have chosen to believe what Chris tells me. And while he admits to having struggled at times with our new family dynamic, the consistent thing I both see and hear is that he is getting the space and time he needs. He also tells me he is ecstatic that I am following my hearts path. This is easy to believe because I know Chris loves me.
The other night, after I got the email which informed me of the choice I needed to make, I sat on the bed and cried. Michael to my left rubbing my head, Chris to my right holding my hand. They consoled me, helped me work through this seemingly impossible choice. They didn’t really advise, they trusted me, they loved me, together. Our situation is not orthodox, but it is beautiful. THIS is what I choose to see, this is where I focus, and I know that in doing so these parts of our relationships will grow. I am proud of how I tend my garden... how does your garden grow?
“What choices have you made that others in your life have questioned?” is the question in 12 days journal #301
Michael and I had been grocery shopping, we met up with Raabis (Chris) in the dairy aisle. He had been at a writing workshop all day. He put his groceries into the cart and we strolled the aisles together. Raabis being able to go to a workshop on the same day I have a full day of rehearsals is one of the many perks of having 3 adults living in a house. When we had finished our grocery shop we went our separate ways, Michael and I to get veggies at the co-op, Raabis went to pick up Lily. We unexpectedly met back up at the movie store, we were dropping off Hump Day, a brilliant movie which, unbeknownst to us, addresses polyamory and the the relationship between men. He came over to my car and out of the blue said,
“You know I think there are a lot of people out there who have an idea that this living situation is something that is being forced upon me. People don’t seem to get how much space and freedom it has given me”.
Uh huh...Ugh... yes, this I know.
Mother guilt and wife guilt have been very hard to navigate through this last 8 months. In the beginning the major theme was that we were going to mess up our kids. Eight months later our children are doing great. There are still times that being “different” brings tears, but most often the kids express gratitude for how our blending has effected their day to day. The mama guilt factor is lower now for me, I am more confident in my choice; I can see the positive outcomes, rather than having to go on projected hopes for the future.
The wife guilt is a little harder. People seem more reluctant to be vocal with their ideas and stories in relation to the dynamic between the 3 adults. I suspect, I even feel confident saying “I know”, people have/had “poor Chris” ideas. I have to admit this kinda pisses me off, and it doesn’t give Chris much credit. I realize it is hard for many to not simply take themselves, their stories, their ideas and transplant themselves into our situation; imagine what they themselves would feel if they were thrown into a polyamorus cohabitating situation. This is not how it works though. We are not you. This is not new to us, we have been open for over 9 years now. We are meeting our needs in the way that works for us.
I can tell you till the cows come home that this is what Chris has chosen, that this is not him reluctantly acquiescing to my desire. I have a feeling whether you believe this or not doesn’t have a lot to do with me or what I say though, that it has everything to do with you. And since what anyone believes is likely to eventually change it is silly to even concern myself with it. Believe it or not, it is up to you.
I have chosen to believe what Chris tells me. And while he admits to having struggled at times with our new family dynamic, the consistent thing I both see and hear is that he is getting the space and time he needs. He also tells me he is ecstatic that I am following my hearts path. This is easy to believe because I know Chris loves me.
The other night, after I got the email which informed me of the choice I needed to make, I sat on the bed and cried. Michael to my left rubbing my head, Chris to my right holding my hand. They consoled me, helped me work through this seemingly impossible choice. They didn’t really advise, they trusted me, they loved me, together. Our situation is not orthodox, but it is beautiful. THIS is what I choose to see, this is where I focus, and I know that in doing so these parts of our relationships will grow. I am proud of how I tend my garden... how does your garden grow?
“What choices have you made that others in your life have questioned?” is the question in 12 days journal #301
February 6, 2010
Day 2 Decision Time- Grumpy Time
I actually had 4 commitments that I considered starting yesterday. I am nearing the end of this project; I have a mere 5 commitments left. I am already 2 days into this one...crazy!
I had to kibosh the original plan, I knew it was way too much for me right now. I was going to do art with Kelly everyday for 12 days.
Another idea was to give up something (nope, I am not telling you what it is... hee hee) for 12 days, I had to be really honest with myself and admit that this is one of the ways I am coping, to cut it out while I am walking this thin line would not be smart.
The other idea, the one other than simply giving myself 12 days to decide how to move forward with this decision, was to focus on what I CAN do right now. I have felt so limited lately. Yesterday Michael went skiing, I LOVE skiing, I chose not to go. Today he is up climbing Pulpit Rock, that lovely trail which I climbed 12 times, my second ever commitment, the first commitment where I knew I was going to do this project. He asked me if I wanted to go with him and our friend Judy. I WANT to go, but I am choosing not to. Tonight we have plans to go dancing, I have to conserve energy right now which means not doing a bunch of things I WANT to do in order to serve my larger goal of getting healthier. This has become very daunting.
I have been an athlete my whole life, even when I was stuck under nursing children for hours and not logistically able to get the outside time and exercise I craved I still had the ability. Even at times when I was a little out of shape, I could still drag myself up a mountain. This is the first time in my life that I have had to admit that I am not physically able. I mean that is not 100% true, I know through shear determination and pride I could get to the top of Pulpit...but then tonight I would want to sleep instead of going to the party, instead of dancing.....BLAH!
So...this is me grumpy. This is me with a bunch of little things from the morning and the big things of this last 6 months stuck inside my head creating a gooey yucky mood.
I had an extraordinary experience two Thursdays ago, in an instant something changed and I felt a palpable shift in my being. It was a simple thing, a lightning of the spirit, the best description I can give is that I felt like I was swimming in appreciation. Even with the struggle of this big decision I am making, all the sadness and confusion, I have managed to float through most of it in a blissful cloud. Today is my first day of feeling grumpy...I really don’t like it. I had a fantasy that this new blissful floaty feeling would last and last, overcome all, all the time...yes fantasy. Being human doesn’t work this way I realize, but it was a nice fantasy while it lasted.
Anyway in order to get back the blissful floaty feel I am going to focus not on what I can’t do, but what I CAN do, what I WANT to do. I am going to Bent Over Leather to get the rest of my Burlesque costume for the Valentines Day show I am in. Then I am going to Strutters, our local cool consignment store, to go get a couple pairs of pants...again. Remember the ones I got before, when none of my pants fit me anymore? These are now baggy in the butt...ugh...size 0 here I come.
When this is over, whatever this is and if there is such a things as over, I am going to get my booty back; my sexy round bottom that looked great 3 sizes ago...skinny is not all it is cracked up to be womyn...believe me.
Oh look I am still grumpy....BLAH!!!
Oh hey! On the non grumpy side of things, do you know what journal today's question goes into? 300!!! Can you friggen believe it?! I am almost done.
“What have you achieved that you are proud of?” is the question is...DRUM ROLL PLEASE.... 12 days journal #300 ...wow.
I had to kibosh the original plan, I knew it was way too much for me right now. I was going to do art with Kelly everyday for 12 days.
Another idea was to give up something (nope, I am not telling you what it is... hee hee) for 12 days, I had to be really honest with myself and admit that this is one of the ways I am coping, to cut it out while I am walking this thin line would not be smart.
The other idea, the one other than simply giving myself 12 days to decide how to move forward with this decision, was to focus on what I CAN do right now. I have felt so limited lately. Yesterday Michael went skiing, I LOVE skiing, I chose not to go. Today he is up climbing Pulpit Rock, that lovely trail which I climbed 12 times, my second ever commitment, the first commitment where I knew I was going to do this project. He asked me if I wanted to go with him and our friend Judy. I WANT to go, but I am choosing not to. Tonight we have plans to go dancing, I have to conserve energy right now which means not doing a bunch of things I WANT to do in order to serve my larger goal of getting healthier. This has become very daunting.
I have been an athlete my whole life, even when I was stuck under nursing children for hours and not logistically able to get the outside time and exercise I craved I still had the ability. Even at times when I was a little out of shape, I could still drag myself up a mountain. This is the first time in my life that I have had to admit that I am not physically able. I mean that is not 100% true, I know through shear determination and pride I could get to the top of Pulpit...but then tonight I would want to sleep instead of going to the party, instead of dancing.....BLAH!
So...this is me grumpy. This is me with a bunch of little things from the morning and the big things of this last 6 months stuck inside my head creating a gooey yucky mood.
I had an extraordinary experience two Thursdays ago, in an instant something changed and I felt a palpable shift in my being. It was a simple thing, a lightning of the spirit, the best description I can give is that I felt like I was swimming in appreciation. Even with the struggle of this big decision I am making, all the sadness and confusion, I have managed to float through most of it in a blissful cloud. Today is my first day of feeling grumpy...I really don’t like it. I had a fantasy that this new blissful floaty feeling would last and last, overcome all, all the time...yes fantasy. Being human doesn’t work this way I realize, but it was a nice fantasy while it lasted.
Anyway in order to get back the blissful floaty feel I am going to focus not on what I can’t do, but what I CAN do, what I WANT to do. I am going to Bent Over Leather to get the rest of my Burlesque costume for the Valentines Day show I am in. Then I am going to Strutters, our local cool consignment store, to go get a couple pairs of pants...again. Remember the ones I got before, when none of my pants fit me anymore? These are now baggy in the butt...ugh...size 0 here I come.
When this is over, whatever this is and if there is such a things as over, I am going to get my booty back; my sexy round bottom that looked great 3 sizes ago...skinny is not all it is cracked up to be womyn...believe me.
Oh look I am still grumpy....BLAH!!!
Oh hey! On the non grumpy side of things, do you know what journal today's question goes into? 300!!! Can you friggen believe it?! I am almost done.
“What have you achieved that you are proud of?” is the question is...DRUM ROLL PLEASE.... 12 days journal #300 ...wow.
February 5, 2010
Day 1 Decision Time- Here a Blog, There a Blog...
I’m back!
Having Michael write my blog was so great for many reasons. I got a break number one...PHEW! Then there was watching him day after day pouring over his words, changing little fragments, being so careful. Seeing how commitment he was to doing it. You may have noticed he was much more timely with his entries than I have been lately! Then there was the content, what a beautiful man! What an honest man... day 2 was a little hard for me at first, he was just so honest, talking about getting me healthy again and having a baby...wow. There was also the part where he got to learn the in’s and out’s of blogging. I got to experience first hand the creation process as well as guiding him through the techie side of things, theses words you read on the screen, are but one part of blogging.
While Michael was writing I took the opportunity to take my computer into our local Mac store, Digerati. I met Ben there, or perhaps I could call him the “Mac Daddy”. He was fun and helpful, cleaned up my filthy machine (really, it was just gross!) and did some internal work as well, got my machine up from turtle speed to possum... I really need a new computer but right now it is not going to happen so he patched me up and sent me on my way for next to nothing.
When I was leaving he asked if I would be interested in teaching a workshop on blogging. I had never considered this idea until now. Hell ya I will teach a workshop! I have learned a lot about blogging by simply doing it every day for nearly a year, how to flog (an English term which means to sell) the blog, how to create something that brings people to the site, how to track progress of certain entries and events. I never quite followed all of what I learned about blogging, as you can see I STILL write really long posts which is a blogging non-no but then this is a lesson in and of its self. Nothing is set in stone, there are always going to be guidelines and there are always going to be the ones you don’t follow and sometimes this creates a whole new guideline.
Blogs are an amazing tool. They are grass roots news. They are a way in which a person like me, a 36 year old womyn from Canada, can have my story broadcast and read. I never imagined my following would get so big...I fantasized about it before I really knew what I was asking for, I didn’t really imagine this would happen, seems I forgot what a fantastic manifester I am! It is still amazing to me that so many want to know what I have to say, that you are reading this right now. Blogging...wow. I WILL teach a workshop on it soon, and don’t you worry, when I do you will know it because being a full time blogger has certainly taught me how to use facebook to its full advantage to flog just about anything! Ah...the internet...imagine the world without it.
Speaking of blogs...one of the reasons Michael did my blog was a test run for blogging. If you enjoyed reading his work, click here and go check his blog out.
And thank you Baby, for the break, for what you wrote, for being in my life, for being you.
(Michael writing in Oso, I believe this was Day 11 of Michael Land)
“What do you teach?” is the question in 12 days journal #299
Having Michael write my blog was so great for many reasons. I got a break number one...PHEW! Then there was watching him day after day pouring over his words, changing little fragments, being so careful. Seeing how commitment he was to doing it. You may have noticed he was much more timely with his entries than I have been lately! Then there was the content, what a beautiful man! What an honest man... day 2 was a little hard for me at first, he was just so honest, talking about getting me healthy again and having a baby...wow. There was also the part where he got to learn the in’s and out’s of blogging. I got to experience first hand the creation process as well as guiding him through the techie side of things, theses words you read on the screen, are but one part of blogging.
While Michael was writing I took the opportunity to take my computer into our local Mac store, Digerati. I met Ben there, or perhaps I could call him the “Mac Daddy”. He was fun and helpful, cleaned up my filthy machine (really, it was just gross!) and did some internal work as well, got my machine up from turtle speed to possum... I really need a new computer but right now it is not going to happen so he patched me up and sent me on my way for next to nothing.
When I was leaving he asked if I would be interested in teaching a workshop on blogging. I had never considered this idea until now. Hell ya I will teach a workshop! I have learned a lot about blogging by simply doing it every day for nearly a year, how to flog (an English term which means to sell) the blog, how to create something that brings people to the site, how to track progress of certain entries and events. I never quite followed all of what I learned about blogging, as you can see I STILL write really long posts which is a blogging non-no but then this is a lesson in and of its self. Nothing is set in stone, there are always going to be guidelines and there are always going to be the ones you don’t follow and sometimes this creates a whole new guideline.
Blogs are an amazing tool. They are grass roots news. They are a way in which a person like me, a 36 year old womyn from Canada, can have my story broadcast and read. I never imagined my following would get so big...I fantasized about it before I really knew what I was asking for, I didn’t really imagine this would happen, seems I forgot what a fantastic manifester I am! It is still amazing to me that so many want to know what I have to say, that you are reading this right now. Blogging...wow. I WILL teach a workshop on it soon, and don’t you worry, when I do you will know it because being a full time blogger has certainly taught me how to use facebook to its full advantage to flog just about anything! Ah...the internet...imagine the world without it.
Speaking of blogs...one of the reasons Michael did my blog was a test run for blogging. If you enjoyed reading his work, click here and go check his blog out.
And thank you Baby, for the break, for what you wrote, for being in my life, for being you.
(Michael writing in Oso, I believe this was Day 11 of Michael Land)
“What do you teach?” is the question in 12 days journal #299
Latest Commitment! What to do?
This is going to have to be one of those cryptic commitments. I am presently having to make a really tough decision. As fate would have it the last day of this commitment is the day I have to make it by. I will eventually tell you all what is going on, it is not something I feel I need to hide, only that it is sensitive and I want to wait to go public. I want to give myself the space to decide truly for MYSELF. Something that has long been a struggle for me as I usually choose the warrior way, the strong way the “I can do anything!” way. This time though I might give some time and thought to a way which benefits my sense of ease, my health, my outcome. I know that both these ways are choosing me, but they do so in very different ways...at this point I need to decided which way to go...OR (I can hear my Michael's voice running through my psyche) maybe this is not an either or, maybe there are other options?
I commit to taking the next 12 days to make a very important decision in my life, one that will effect my family, my friend both here and far away but most of all effects me, my hopes and dreams, my love and dedication, my commitment and devotion to this beautiful existence. I will revel what the decision is about, and what I have decided either at the end of this commitment or somewhere along the way. I am commitment to sharing this journey with anyone who reads, who wants to know. There are so many of you who read and then reach out and love me up. Thank you, you who is reading this sentence, thank you. Even now while I am struggling with this decision, what I am most overcome with is sheer joy at how carefully, mindfully, wonderfully loved I am by so many. (BIG SMILE across my teary face)
I commit to taking the next 12 days to make a very important decision in my life, one that will effect my family, my friend both here and far away but most of all effects me, my hopes and dreams, my love and dedication, my commitment and devotion to this beautiful existence. I will revel what the decision is about, and what I have decided either at the end of this commitment or somewhere along the way. I am commitment to sharing this journey with anyone who reads, who wants to know. There are so many of you who read and then reach out and love me up. Thank you, you who is reading this sentence, thank you. Even now while I am struggling with this decision, what I am most overcome with is sheer joy at how carefully, mindfully, wonderfully loved I am by so many. (BIG SMILE across my teary face)
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