Day 7 Final Commitment- Road Trip Too (kinda)

5 days to do 7 days worth of work. 3 performances. One dress rehearsal. So many people to love and a year long commitment to wrap up. ACK!! Life is CRAZY right now. So lets get down to it.



October 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-10-sans-coffee-past.html Since Chris’ accident we have been blessed beyond measure to have the support team we have had. Most notably Lilli. She has held various members of our family through some crazy crazy times. We don’t exactly make easy standard choices as a family. It could have been so easy for her to judge our families ways, instead she got behind us, believed in us. She is like a member of our family, our OTHER Lilli.

October 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-12-sans-coffee-gaping.html I was halfway through this project and my edges were definitely fraying. I decided on October 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/new-commitment-not-named.html to do a commitment which is not named, which I don’t divulge to you all... and I admit I have forgotten what it was! Perhaps as I read I will remember.

October 9th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-2-committed-to-self-truthugh.html Oh my....I was having a really hard time. I was starting to worry about my weight loss. I admit that, like MANY womyn, I had ideas about my body having just a bit to much fat. I knew I was sexy, healthy, muscular and thin-ish but I was still no stranger to body image issues, I judged myself a lot. When I began loosing weight last summer I was actually quite thrilled. I liked being lighter, it made dancing more dynamic and I liked the way my clothes began to fit. I figured it was just the regular thing that happens every summer where I slim down. But by October I was beginning to realize I was dealing with something different all together.

October 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-4-committed-to-self-ohm-sweet-ohm.html I had a home again! We were about to do something that would bring much self judgement and beauty into my life. We were about to become an openly polyamorous family living together in community. This would have been tough at the the best of times...and these were not the best of times. I worked to stay optimistic though, my entries are obvious attempts to find the silver lining. Oh and while we are on the topic of my house, I want to say thank you to my mama. Life was SO crazy when she had finished renovating the house that there ended up being very little celebration of her hard work. I know mom how much you did, I am SO grateful, I just wasn’t very good at showing it. In fact I STILL haven’t made you the gift of appreciation I want to give you. Ah the free time I will have when I am done this project!

October 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-5-committed-to-self-i-so-thankful.html

I had forgotten I made this video. I loved watching it again. Maybe you will too. The thing is I want to add so many more photos, say thank you to so many more people...maybe I will make another video when this is all over.

October 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-8-committed-to-self-devotion.html I am nuts! LOL I can’t believe some of the stuff I posted! The hardest part about having posted this one was the fact that NO ONE COMMENTED for a L_O_N_G time...it felt like bringing a huge 7 foot rabbit into a room and no one saying, “Hey what is with the rabbit?”. My lovely sister K.D. commented on the blog when I told her how hard it was to submit the entry, she left this:

“Definition of Priestess for Today's Times.
Priestesses honor the cycles and seasons of nature, and of life. They learn from, and work, with the natural rhythms of the Earth, Sun, Moon, and stars. They observe and value the relationships between Earth and Sky, nature and humanity.

In families and communities, priestesses bring awareness to the way change affects life by creating time and space to honor life passages. They create and often officiate ceremonies that recognize the transitions of birth, puberty, a new job, the loss of a job, marriage, divorce, menopause, elderhood, and death.

Priestesses may counsel and support others in times of crises, transition, healing, and creation. They may assist through their prayers, meditation, deep listening, or simply being present and bringing awareness and attentive witnessing to a situation.

A priestess brings the sacred into form by connecting to Divine energy in her creative pursuits such as dance, art, writing, music, theatre, ceremonies, rituals, and celebrations.

Deeply connected to her spirituality from the inside out, a priestess may also be a member of any religion or have connection to none. She may connect to the Divine in nature just as well as in any home, church, synagogue, or temple.

A priestess makes a direct connection to the Divine from within and can apply it to every area of life.

Bernice, here, we finally have a job-description. Thank you for sharing your beauty, in all your vulnerable truth... truly we can only know God, when we can be this way... open-hearted.

Love KD”

It feels so good to be seen, mirrored by people in my life who I admire. Thanks sister.

October 17th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-10-committed-to-self-diwali.html I love me. I really do. My time in California was always so incredibly rich. The work I did at the Tamalpa Institute was so nourishing for my soul. So nourishing. It helped me find myself. This entry was written after an amazing school weekend where we went out and stayed at Sea Ranch, where we danced with the ocean. When I do this work I am so in my power, centred like a gyroscope, only staying balanced by never quite being there, it is the addition of movement which makes the whole thing possible. If I forget how much I trust and believe in myself, remind me ok. Lately I have had a harder time seeing this.

As I enter into a commitment to “Listen” October 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/latest-committment-listen-more.html ...something I STILL have to remind myself to work on each and every day, I read about mine and Michael's trip to Port Townsend Washington and Victoria, BC. This trip was both ecstatic and paralysing. The details are unimportant, or more honestly I would say I want to keep them for myself, not share. I will say though that it changed me forever, there was so much magic, so much truth. We started out road tripping, which is one of the things I love to do more than anything in the world. Michael and I had such a great drive to Port Townsend, WA. Then we danced with Vinn, this was Michael’s first time, I wanted to share Vinn Marti’s work with him. Vinn...what can I say about Vinn and his work? Soul Motion is a mystical movement ministry. His work is essential for the world... and this is why. October 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-6-listen-listening-to-mystic.html

From there we went to Victoria which was very challenging. Then we went home and I got sick...which rocks! Because it meant my entries were short ,so less reading for this weary commitment maker. This illness was where I really began to loose too much weight. November 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-2-sacred-space-runt.html

Tomorrow’s entry will start with the painting of our new studio. We were so excited to have a studio and we had a blast painting. It makes me smile to know tomorrows entry will start with a day where there was so much hope and promise.

“What is one of your fondest memories?” is the question in 12 days journal #353

Day 5 Final Commitment- Shambles

Wow, didn’t see this comin. I started today with August 6th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-creative-words-being.html the day Michael and I set off to Shambala together. What an absolutely magical adventure we had. We taught a workshop, danced all day and night and we made beautiful love, other than drinking coffee and eating we did little else. We reached an even deeper level of love at this event, working there together, playing there together. I haven’t actually read anything yet. To tell you the truth I don’t really want to read it, it’s too hard.

And here I go anyway.



Last night I went to an open mic and read two of the poems from the creative writing commitment, I chose angry-ish ones. I wish now I would have read this one from. August 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-11-creative-words-magic.html This was my most magical day at Shambala. I feel physical pain in my heart as I read this entry, as I read my poem. I wish I could access just the feelings of love as I read these words, I wish they weren’t so connected to feelings of pain.

I want to state for the record, before we go any further. That I KNOW my objectivity on anything that is connected to Michael is skewed right now because of how disconnected we are from one another. The point of this commitment was to give honest clear reflection now that I have distance from my actions. Well I want you to know I have very little objectivity when it comes to my relationship with my Michael at the moment.

On August 8th I ran my first ever Movement Based Expressive Arts workshop...at Shambala, nothing like diving in head first!

Speaking of Shambala, I was brave enough to mention drug/medicine usage on the blog a couple of times during the festival. I live in a community where it is said that 75% of the population is either directly or indirectly related to the marijuana industry. *I* am the wife of a (retired kinda) RCMP officer. I need to be very careful about what I say in regards to things which are illegal. This was a tricky thing when writing a blog with the goal or truth and transparency. Here on August 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-jus-dance-continued.html I venture out a little, talk about my views in a way which is honest but safe for my particular family situation. I feel comfortable with how I walked this line this last year.

By August 12th I was back in California and in the habit of writing and not submitting till days later. I always knew that if I were to remain consistent, write and submit daily, that my contact with you all would have flowed better. When I am on time submitting I get many more hits to the blog and more comments. The thing was this project was a lot of fucking work, and my life is a WHOLE lot of work, so I just had to let things slip. It is what it is.

Ah ha! The infamous “Day 40” post where I come out as polyamorous and tell the world that Michael was my lover. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-jus-dance-day-40.html was written on August 13th, it was not submitted for nearly a week if I remember correctly. I wrote it in California and was home before it ever hit the net. I was petrified. I actually had a crazy body reaction, a fear reaction when I submitted it. It was the beginning of really stripping myself naked for the world to see. This entry had the most hits for months...until I posted a half naked picture of myself in a bikini and cowboy boots that is (rolling eyes at myself).

This trip also saw my reconciliation with my Jeremy on August 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-jus-dance-friendship.html . He was my sweet lover before I met Michael. My first ever lover within the wild world of polyamory in fact. He is lovely and soft and for whatever reason we just didn’t hold onto our relationship. It was complicated, I was married, he was a monogamist. We did love each other though. (I less than 3 you J.)

Home again and posting about love and its struggles. August 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-jus-dance-change.html This post was another top hitter, partly because of the beautiful picture of Chris and Kelly, they look so happy. Another reason I think this one was read so much was that I finally talked about how the kids were dealing with things. This was the main concern that people brought forward about our choice to live as a blended polyamorous family, that the kids would suffer. There were some really hard times, especially for Lily. Now though it is Lily who is most connected with Michael. I have spoken to her this last week (Chris and the kids are visiting him mom in Alberta while I stayed behind for rehearsals) and she is the one who always asks about Michael. She loves him, she loves Kelly too. It is hard that both of these people have left her life in the way they existed in it before. It is tempting to say we never should have allowed them into her life like we did, but it would not be true. What my beautiful children have learned from Michael and Kelly, how their lives have changed from having them in our home, has been amazing and most definitely for the greater good of our family and the world.

August 21st “Staycation!” http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/latest-commitment-staycation.html This was the name of the commitment where I took time off which translated into only writing 150 words or less each day. Do you know one of the parts of the project which was most enjoyable and easy? A joy nearly every time? Naming the entries and commitments. I loved this part. I got to be cryptic, humorous, stealthy, smart, smart-ass-d. I will miss this part, but who am I kidding, it is not like I am going to be able to give up blogging, I am a little obsessed, did ya notice?

In Staycation my new focus on the present began to really emerge, the signs of stirring. I was feeling the stress of trying to recollect past events and still write authentically. It was so important to me by this point that the writing be as real as possible. I can also see I was really beginning to feel the full brunt of what I had chosen to take on with 12 days 2 inspire. I am happy in THIS moment now about having chosen this commitment last August because it means I have less reading than yesterday!

Geez! I think I was on to something with those short posts! I said a lot with so little words...imagine that! I especially liked:

August 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-time-off-clear-as.html where it is obvious my commitment to truth telling was becoming stronger.

August 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-time-off-burning.html where I start to show how my edges are fraying.

August 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-time-off-avoidance-not.html where I am being playful and apologetic all at the same time.

August 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-time-off-simply.html A beautiful memory, a romantic moment alluded to; my blog version of serenading my lover.


I am blown out of the water by September 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-walkabout-get-out-of-jail-free.html . I could have written this exact entry, with a few subtle changes, today. I even laughed out load at the words I wanted to put on my “Get out of Jail Free Card”

”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“

The moon happens to be full today.

And so today's reading ends on September 3rd when me and Michael wrote a story for Rosy and her friend Sage. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-walkabout-oombellafish.html

and a commitment made to myself on September 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-walkabout-ashina.html

”I make a vow to myself on this day that I will create/manifest/find a sacred workspace for myself and those who I work with, that I will commit each day to moving in the direction of a life lived in community, and co-creation.“

I remember now that the creation of Sanctum Studio came the very next month. Oh man am I in for some bumpy reading! I can smile at it now but back when we were creating the studio and then to loose it so quickly, times were very intense. When this project is over I will be working on taking this vow to the next level...there will be dancing on Sundays in Nelson soon. That is a promise.

***EDIT- ADDED to the blog and 12 days journal #351 two days later, after Michael pointed out I forgot the daily question. ”What do you do when you don’t know what you want?“ Apparently I go on a road trip.***

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...

It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-asking-for-help-babies.html

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. I read this entry from June 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-3-impractical.html At the time I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-9-karma-yoga-lost.html It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-karma-yoga-dance-of-gratitude.html

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-5-one-on-one-many-more-loves.html I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I am just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous, to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I am pining for another love as well, one I will see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is family what family is, struggle and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of Michael and summer road trip together. My reading tomorrow will be of a time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2-body-of-water-anger.html This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...

It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-asking-for-help-babies.html

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. In this entry from June 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-3-impractical.html I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-9-karma-yoga-lost.html It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it, is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-karma-yoga-dance-of-gratitude.html

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now, as I write this entry we are living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-5-one-on-one-many-more-loves.html I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I was just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous. Wanting to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I was also pining for another love, one I would see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is what 15 years of being in a family has taught me, that family is struggles and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of my love filled summer road trip with Michael. My reading tomorrow will be of the time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2-body-of-water-anger.html This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.

Day 6 Photo Op- The Cat Came Back

This is Jeremy stretching his back after dance. Jeremy was my muse for this whole project and my first ever commitment partner within this magical foray into polyamory. I want to state for the record (and Jeremy) that he is not polyamorous. Despite this we fell in love and made it work for about 7 month. Then we went back to being friends, well not right away, I was a little pissed off and needed time to come around. Eventually though, we found our love again.

(A PICTURE OF JEREMY WAS SUPPOSE TO GO HERE BUT MY BLOG SOFTWARE IS OVERLOADED AND WON’T LET ME POST TWO PICS IN ONE POST, I can tell you he looked really handsome and it pains me to not be able to include the photo....c’est le vie)

Jeremy is the keeper of the journals here in the United States of America. He sent me an excited email a few days before I left home, a journal had arrived in the mail! We were both giddy. I told him he could open it, read it, and share it with me when we got to Esalen. He did.....

The journal which came back was 12 days journal # 54 Inside was but two entries. The first was from my sweet friend Katie, from Boulder Colorado, a reader and supporter of this blog (HEY KATY!! MISSING YOU HERE AT ESALEN!!!). The next was the following entry.


(“This was placed in my bicycle basket while I was in a shop. Why did the person not ask me permission before placing it in my personal space?? I felt invaded.”)

There was nothing else in the journal, it was completely blank other than this post it and Katie's first entry.

I am so thrilled, I think Jeremy thought I would be disappointed. Nope, not one bit. I love it. I love every authentic little bit of life that ends up on the pages of each journal.

It is really time to find the keys to my Canadian mailbox and check to see if anymore journals have arrived home. This project got so big I had to narrow my focus and as you might know it had to be the blog, it demands so much friggen attention. Then there are the emails, keeping up with all the beautiful people who write to me. It is now my full time job, I have worked every night I am here, and likely will continue to do so. Now is the time my hard work is paying off, the journals will start flowing in. The ones I have made that is, I think at this point I am backed up by about 100 journals. I know...brutal, but true. And if this blog is about anything it is about truth!

12 days journal #54 has continued it’s journey. It was given to a man by the name of Samuel. I know that this magic man will take care of this journal, and I can’t wait to read what he writes

“Whom have you met recently that inspired you?” is the question in 12 days journal #316

Sam you inspire me brother, thank you for seeing me.

(Note to Jeremy: Click the link above named 12 days journal #54, it will take you to the journal entry which created this journal that came to you first, the muse for the question “What is love?”. Go look at the comments, an annoying mouse posted a story which I heard recently, perhaps even this day, in the tubs.... there are no coincidences my love.)

Day 10 Decision Time- 3 Saints

I love Valentines Day, I believe that I may be in the minority though. A whole lot of folk round here are trashing the holiday. I hear about it being a “Hallmark” holiday, that it discriminates, causes a whole lot of expectation. I get all that, really I do. It is just that I personally love any excuse to celebrate love.

We decided to all go out for a delicious dinner; Me, Chris and Michael. Made a reservation for 3 at Fusion, my favourite restaurant. Got all dressed up and went out on the town to bust up conventional ideas about relationships and love.

Rose was NOT happy at being excluded from our Valentines plans. She refused to get out of the picture so you could see our snazzy outfits, so here is two pics. One of Rose being a complete pill and throwing things into the picture, the other our smilin faces without our fantastic outfits.

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The food was unbelievable, the conversation fun and lively. The wine flowed, the dessert was amazing. When the server came to give us the bill she looked at both these beautiful men...and handed ME the check. Smart move.

Happy Valentines Day to you all! <3

"How do you celebrate love?" is the question in 12 days journal #308

Day 3 Decision Time- How Does your Garden Grow?

I was outside REO video store this evening when Chris made a comment to me about the public perception of him within of our blended family.

Michael and I had been grocery shopping, we met up with Raabis (Chris) in the dairy aisle. He had been at a writing workshop all day. He put his groceries into the cart and we strolled the aisles together. Raabis being able to go to a workshop on the same day I have a full day of rehearsals is one of the many perks of having 3 adults living in a house. When we had finished our grocery shop we went our separate ways, Michael and I to get veggies at the co-op, Raabis went to pick up Lily. We unexpectedly met back up at the movie store, we were dropping off Hump Day, a brilliant movie which, unbeknownst to us, addresses polyamory and the the relationship between men. He came over to my car and out of the blue said,

“You know I think there are a lot of people out there who have an idea that this living situation is something that is being forced upon me. People don’t seem to get how much space and freedom it has given me”.

Uh huh...Ugh... yes, this I know.

Mother guilt and wife guilt have been very hard to navigate through this last 8 months. In the beginning the major theme was that we were going to mess up our kids. Eight months later our children are doing great. There are still times that being “different” brings tears, but most often the kids express gratitude for how our blending has effected their day to day. The mama guilt factor is lower now for me, I am more confident in my choice; I can see the positive outcomes, rather than having to go on projected hopes for the future.

The wife guilt is a little harder. People seem more reluctant to be vocal with their ideas and stories in relation to the dynamic between the 3 adults. I suspect, I even feel confident saying “I know”, people have/had “poor Chris” ideas. I have to admit this kinda pisses me off, and it doesn’t give Chris much credit. I realize it is hard for many to not simply take themselves, their stories, their ideas and transplant themselves into our situation; imagine what they themselves would feel if they were thrown into a polyamorus cohabitating situation. This is not how it works though. We are not you. This is not new to us, we have been open for over 9 years now. We are meeting our needs in the way that works for us.

I can tell you till the cows come home that this is what Chris has chosen, that this is not him reluctantly acquiescing to my desire. I have a feeling whether you believe this or not doesn’t have a lot to do with me or what I say though, that it has everything to do with you. And since what anyone believes is likely to eventually change it is silly to even concern myself with it. Believe it or not, it is up to you.

I have chosen to believe what Chris tells me. And while he admits to having struggled at times with our new family dynamic, the consistent thing I both see and hear is that he is getting the space and time he needs. He also tells me he is ecstatic that I am following my hearts path. This is easy to believe because I know Chris loves me.

The other night, after I got the email which informed me of the choice I needed to make, I sat on the bed and cried. Michael to my left rubbing my head, Chris to my right holding my hand. They consoled me, helped me work through this seemingly impossible choice. They didn’t really advise, they trusted me, they loved me, together. Our situation is not orthodox, but it is beautiful. THIS is what I choose to see, this is where I focus, and I know that in doing so these parts of our relationships will grow. I am proud of how I tend my garden... how does your garden grow?



“What choices have you made that others in your life have questioned?” is the question in 12 days journal #301

Day 6 Michael Land- Two Line Poems

For four Fridays out of the winter, the Waldorf school takes advantage of the incredible mountain just down the road and all the kids from grade three up get to ski and snowboard in the deep, dry Kootenay snow.
 
Since Chris and Bernice are still both recovering from the virus of perpetual coughing, I went as the parent chaperone and drove Ayla and her friend Amelia up to Whitewater.
 
My dear friend Lars hooked me up with some great tele gear and we met after the kids got sorted. He showed me his back country playground, and we wrote poems to god two lines long all the way down the mountain. Up here, among the peaks and clouds, is one of the most sacred places in my heart. It seems the earth kisses the sky so deeply here. Everything is so raw, so real, so tremendous.
 
While we broke for lunch Lily, Bernice and Chris’s middle daughter, and her friend Sage asked me if I would go up the chair with them. It was Lily’s first day on a snowboard, she was done with the bunny hill, and needed a chaperone to ride the big runs. It felt good that they asked me.
 
We stuck to the green run, and the first time down was made in short little spurts of a few metres at a time. The second time down she was starting to turn. The third time down we cruised, lots of turns, and fearless.
 
I left them to ride the summit chair, and they did another couple runs on their own, while I wrote a few more couplets through the trees. Then I chaperoned some girls back to Nelson.
 
Later, Amelia’s mom called for Chris. She left a message saying, when ‘your friend’ drove Amelia home she left her money in the car. She wanted to know how to get in touch with me, or if he could. It was on the home phone and I was the one who listened to the message. Amelia’s been over before so she knows I live there. I guess a lot of people still don’t understand our family situation, which is fine, it’s new for all of us.
 
Up until I met Bernice, I haven’t even had a partner with kids. Now I live with three of them and both their parents. It’s kind of like instant soup, add water and stir. Instant family, say yes and show up. Today was one of the really fun ways to show up. Add deep, dry snow, strap boards to feet, carve lines into mountain.

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(Here’s a beautiful two line poem)

“How is your family different?“ is the question in 12 days journal #292

Day 3 Michael Land- Performance

***Written by Michael***

This video is a performance that incorporates a lot of contact improv and acro balance. I think it’s beautiful. It was sent to me by a friend who Bernice and I are creating a performance with for a show in May.


 
We are very early in the planning stages, still crystallizing some ideas; though we are not without plenty of raw material. Our friend and I share a mutual attraction. We have acknowledged it, as well as our priority to our primary partners. We’ve even acted on it a little. Only a little, though. Connecting with others can be a delicate process in open relationships. We both want everyone to feel comfortable, respected, safe, and honoured.
 
Fear, jealousy, insecurity, and sadness are experiences everyone has. Being polyamorous is a lifestyle choice that creates opportunities to really look at the source of these reactions. Many people, when they learn about polyamory, reject it as a lifestyle choice because they don’t want to confront their jealousies. In my experience, jealousy can be overwhelming. When I try to avoid it our push it down, I find that it wreaks havoc on my emotional life. When I meet my fears and insecurities, speak about what I am scared of, step into my experience rather than run away from it, I find that it eases, melts, and subsides, to be replaced with greater trust, increased understanding, and the seeming paradox of both more freedom and connection.
 
Our performance is about transformation, where death meets life in the cocoon of potential. It is about the polarity of masculine and the feminine in form and relationship. It’s about creation and destruction, chaos and divine order, fear and faith.
 
Fear and faith; that’s a big one. I’ve been learning lots about faith, and the fear that stands in its way. I see how much it is my choice; how I have the opportunities to choose faith, and trust, to let what I know deep down in my heart guide me rather then the emotional and psychological storms on my surface.
 
I love it when life collides with art. It reminds me of one of those really big paintings with colour splattered all over it. I wonder what our performance will turn out like. I wonder what our life will turn out like. And I marvel at the wonder of it all.
  
“How do you turn life into art?” is the question in 12 day journal #289

Latest Commitment! Alternative Perspective

This is a multi purpose commitment, one I am very excited about.

The other day when I was sick, worrying that I could not continue, complete the final leg of this project, I came up with a back up plan, asking Michael to take it over. By morning I had regained perspective and knew I could continue, that I had the ability to modulate this experience to meet my needs...but the idea of Michael writing my blog intrigued me.

Every day he has the benefit of reading about what is going on for me...he also has the special torture of every day reading about what is going on for me. These entries go out into the world, sometimes even before he and I have dealt with things....I imagine this can be difficult at times. Well now I don’t HAVE to imagine anymore, I get to experience it!


(Taken this Summer by Michael’s Sister, Poppy)

I commit, for the next 12 days, to allow Michael to write my blog entries. I commit to using this time to both get a break, do some much needed doodling and to catch up on making journals which despite my commitment to truth telling I am not going to say how far behind I am, it is embarrassing! I am also going to experience what it is like to have details from my own life exposed, perhaps in a way that I don’t agree with or like. On the flip side, I know Michael loves me deeply, I trust him and know that his intention is to grow deeper and deeper into our life together, into our families life together.

I am both excited and frightened...kinda that same feeling I get when I have just commitment to riding a roller coaster. The safety bar has now locked in place, I can feel the cars beginning to move, the only thing to do now is hold on.

Day 10 Meditation- This Little Heart of Mine

Everyone is still home, everyone is still sick. My illness has remained low level,I have been able to go out every day, run errands, go for coffee. Michael is not sick, we have been taking care of things together, wrapping up the studio business, and keeping the house stocked with food. The grocery store has become one of our regular dates. Having just come through the holiday season right into all this sickness has made alone time hard to come by. We all live together in this small house and for over a month almost everyone has been home. This has been nice in one sense, has given our family time to bond, hang out together. The flip side is that adult time and one on one time with anyone in the household has become scarce. This is what we now go to the grocery store for, me my Michael Sheely, alone time. It is all very domestic!

Michael said today, as he pushed the shopping cart through Save-on-Foods, that he has made a lot of quick changes in his time, that he is used to making drastic shifts in his lifestyle, navigating the changes, which I imagine he does with much grace. This change though, he says, has been the most drastic. He went from living with a group of adults, in an intentional community consciously designed to support its members through their awakening to themselves, to joining a family of 5 who, while also awakening and supportive, are much more chaotic and reminiscent of his own childhood. Wow... can you imagine? He is taking a crash course in family and parenting. Like parents we learn to fulfill the needs we have for intimacy and one on one by being creative. Here enters the grocery store in this story. We are surrounded by people, but usually it is easy for us to have an extended conversation. I kiss him a lot and he finds opportunities to grab my butt. We talk about what to get and this leads to conversations about the kids and Chris and we process right along side the bologna, which we do not purchase.

I love wild and crazy Shambala Michael, the one who will stay up all night and try just about anything. His experience seeking Sadhu nature is what drew me to him, what captivated me and helped me to emerge from my cocoon. I am watching his emergence as well. Alongside the creative, performing, change-the-world one-heart-at-a-time Michael that I met on June 6th, is the father that he is becoming. I remember siting by the ocean on Cortes Island, filled with pride as he expressed himself so eloquently. He said “I am moving to Nelson to start a family“. And this is exactly what he did. His method was certainly unorthodox, he is Michael Sheely after all. He is becoming more and more a parent to my children, and more and more a brother with Chris.

As for he and I, we are doing great. Challenging so many status quo’s, creating such drastic change in both of our lives produced a bit of a bumpy beginning... we have fought a lot in the last 7 1/2 months. And every time we do, once we se through our stories and hurt feelings we find the strength to recommit to our vision, and belief in what we are creating together with our family. We remind ourselves that we love each other and that really this is all that matters. That the other stuff can be worked on, we can support each other more, understand each other more, see and hear each other more, if we commit to the love. We are finding more and more ease .
Some of you who know and love us have seen our struggles, I am sure some of you even wondered if it was worth it, sometimes the pain was so deep and overwhelming. Thank you for loving us, carrying us when we were too confused to see clearly our path. More than anything thank you for believing in us. Your love and support has made such a difference.

I want to acknowledge one person in particular, Chris. You have seen us through so many rough times, have had to assure and soothe our children at times that this choice their parents made to break out of the monogamy model and break open the world of love, was not crazy! Especially in times when it most definitely seemed completely nuts! You stood strong and supported our family vision, believed in us even when we struggled to believe in ourselves. Thank you Chrissy, from the bottom of my heart for how strong, patient and loving you have been with Michael, with our children, and with me, your wife. I love you Christopher James Raabis. Thank you for allowing me the breathing space to love many (polyamory literally means ”many loves“). You have always known how important loving people is to me, you have always seen and acknowledged my glory, even in the times when I forget.


(The Boss singing This Little Light of Mine”, SO GOOD!!”)

”Was there a time when you helped friends/a friend through a rough period in their lives?“ is the question in 12 days journal #284

Day 9 Meditation- Birthday Belief

Today is my birthday. My goal is to get this up on the web while it is STILL my birthday, to get caught up. I am sick, yesterday I wondered if I was actually going to be able to finish this project. Lily and Chris have been terribly ill for over a month, I was worried yesterday that I would get as sick as them, worried about how skinny I am and if my body could take the constant vomiting, the deep coughing which stops the body from breathing for a scary number of seconds following the vomiting. I wondered if I could handle the fear I watched both Chris and Lily experience from not knowing if the breathing would ever start again. I even asked Michael if he would finish this blog for me if I got too sick to do it. The thing with all this is, if I believe this is how things are going to go then just maybe they will?! I look down at the fortunes taped to my computer and read “when you believe something you make it true for you”. With this in mind here is my new belief.

I am sick, I need rest and comfort and love and joy. I am capable of making sure I get all these things, especially surrounded by so many who love me. I will be sick for a short period of time, which is perfect since I do need some restoration. I will get well in plenty of time to go back to school in February, and will also go and spend 5 days at Esalen dancing with many loved ones, renewed, refreshed. I have a back up plan for my blog, if things get hard I can get Michael to write it for a short period of time, having back up helps me to stay strong. I am going to keep a positive, optimistic and accepting of what is, knowing it is all perfect AND I am going to have a happy happy birthday.

We took a family shot on the computer on this day which marks my 36th year. Getting 6 people to hold still for the camera is no small task.

But eventually we got a great shot. Do I have a beautiful family or what?! And everyone in this pic with the exception of Michael is sick too...Michael is sporting a black eye though...wanna know how he got it? I bet you do :o
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“What would a perfect birthday look like for you?” is the question in 12 days journal #283

P.S. This post went up one day late, I didn’t catch up for my birthday, but the day after is pretty damn good!

P.P.S. My journalling software kept uploading the wrong picture, I have tried a bunch of times but I can’t make it work. I am going to have to work on it tomorrow, so as it turns out this post is 2 days late, still not too shabby.

Day 8 Resolution- Poly 101

I had a long talk with my mother in law today, mostly about being polyamorous. She was here over the holidays, we didn’t really connect well. I am pretty deep into my own work right now and there are definite issues with her understanding mine and Chris’ choices, this created distance. She said during our conversation tonight that she “didn’t agree with our choice” but that she had no right to judge and supported us. It is a start.

I was going to write you out a long post about being polyamorous, do some more explaining, educating....but I decided I am actually not going to. I am tired, super overwhelmed with my work load, and don’t think I could do the topic much justice right now. So here is a LINK to an online article called Polyamory 101. While I don’t agree with everything Franklin Veaux says this FAQ style article is informative and easy to read, a great starting point for people to understand this not so new relationship/family choice.

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(A little funny I found on the net)

“Is there something about you which you family finds hard to accept?” is the question in 12 days journal #270

Day 7 Resolution- Cozy and Content

Lily and Rosy got new beds today, they were Christmas presents from their Omi (Chris’ mom). They have slept together up until now. Our sleeping arrangements as a family have always been a little unorthodox. When Ayla came along I learned pretty quickly that cribs don’t work for me, getting up and down to nurse had me exhausted and at my wits end, rolling over to nurse was far easier on this mama than getting up and down all night. Which is exactly what I am doing at the moment. Nearly everyone in this house is sick, and for this mama this has meant playing musical beds all night. Now that Lily and Rose have their own single beds it means one more bed to visit, oh but what beds they are! They are easily the nicest beds in the house. I am not 100% sure what kind they are but they are foam with a memory foam topper and oh my goodness are they comfy.

The whole family put them together, well except Ayla who has disappeared into book land since getting sick. Michael started working on Lily’s bed while Chris took Rosy’s. Both girls helped, screwing in screws with alan keys, fetching needed parts and tools. I would like to tell you they are both now fast asleep tucked into their new beds, but they are not. All this sickness has messed with their systems and they are having a really hard time sleeping. They are in their bed though, and seem cozy and content.

I have said it many many times, if polyamory was just about sex, it would be so easy! But it is not, it is about relationship, family, giving, receiving, stepping up, some times choosing greater good over instant gratification. It is about having it all, AND accepting the responsibility which comes along with that. Watching Chris and Michael assemble beds for my babies was a beautiful experience in the every day of our polyamorous family.

“Who are your family?” is the question in 12 days journal #269

Day 2 Gift of Presence- Blessed Be!

Michael and I have been having a hard time lately. There is so much love between us, yet this doesn’t seem to be stopping us from struggling to love each other the way we deserve to be loved. This afternoon I got out of school to find 4 messages from him on my cell, sweet wonderful messages filled with love. Love is not always easy, commitment can be difficult when things get really hard. Sometimes walking away is so darn appealing, and I have spent many a day lately wanting to run away. The voice recorded on my phone melted my heart and reminded me just how much I love this man who is committed, and determined, and strives to live in his highest integrity. We recommitted to each other today, spoke of our love, dedicated ourselves to our magic. I want you all to know this, I ask you to stand in witness. I can not know what the future holds, but right now I am commitment to presence so it doesn’t really matter. In this present moment I believe in the magic that brought us together. In this present moment I am so filled with love and faith that my family is flourishing, all seven of us.

I am on a plane going home for Solstice which happens at exactly 5:49 on the 21st. Tomorrow will be winter. Tomorrow Michael and I will have seen 4 seasons as a couple. It will also mark 17 times that the sun has been born again while Chris and I have been lovers and best friends. Seventeen years of growing and loving with a man who trusts me, accepts me, supports me, believes in me, and honours me. So on this last day of Autumn I give thanks for all the love I have in my life and for the two beautiful men I share this life with. It may be unorthodox, and certainly takes a lot of dedication, but it is worth it. I am so very blessed.



“What blessings do you have in your life?” is the question in 12 day journal #252

Day 12 Sacred Space- Dry Kindling

Words Words Words...God damn fucking words...UGH! Last night I said to Michael, while we were talking somewhat contentiously, “I have faith that we actually believe the same thing, that attaching our own personal vernacular to the topic merely confuses us into believing otherwise. This is why I don’t want to talk about it yet, not until I am clearer and more rooted in the belief”...well.... or something like that. I am never really good at remembering the exact words; I remember body posture, facial expression, little “tells” like ticks and repetitive soothing behaviour. I experience a great deal of the world viscerally rather than verbally. Trouble is while words can be repeated verbatim, or in my case with no hope of verbatim, and can be contested. Body posture, tone of voice, certain behaviours, they can not, there seems to be an idea that they are based solely on perception. The thing is this is just not true! I am not one to often call on science to prove a point, but since it suits my purpose here I go. According to Paul Ekman, there are 6 basic emotions; Anger, Disgust, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, Surprise. Basically the idea is that Ekman determined through studies with cultures which have never experiences viewing westerners faces, that despite many cultural and language barriers, they could recognize these basic emotions in us.

“Ekman devised a list of basic emotions from cross-cultural research on the Fore tribesmen of Papua New Guinea. He observed that members of an isolated culture could reliably identify the expressions of emotion in photographs of people from cultures with which the Fore were not yet familiar. They could also ascribe facial expressions to descriptions of situations. On this evidence, he concluded that the expressions associated with some emotions were basic or biologically universal to all humans.“

So this is no woe woe new age aura seeing here, I am talking biologically hardwired ability to sense when the emotions underlying actions, do not meet words that are spoken. Sure there are times I misread emotions, just like there are times I misunderstand the meaning behind words. I get things wrong, but I get them right a whole hell of a lot of the time. I myself know this principle because I DO IT, we all do. I say I am not mad when I am mad. This leaves the person I am telling with the sticky job of trying to sort through what is being presented and what is being sensed. What makes it so destructive is that it causes me to distrust my instincts, my gift, this I can not tolerate.

Anyway, I am tired of words...BLAH!!!

So onto something else.....

I spent today with Chris, it was so good, like old times. I ate a burger and fries, and a cookie, this is something that only happens when I am with him, perhaps this explains the shedding of so many layers? I sure can use the calories right now though, so I am grateful. We talked about all sorts of things, just hung out. Went to test drive a right side drive Toyota Delica. Talked about marijuana as medicine, about the new insights I have had since coming to Nelson, a town rife with ganga culture. We laughed and cuddled. He and I have been distant for a while now, I know that might sound scary given our big poly family, I know his mom is worried (Hi Omi!!), but I assure you we are fine. After we moved here and Chris hit that rock with his head, things were very full on, we were together all day everyday, and constantly processing. This break has really pushed the pressure release on our relationship. We are 17 years strong and not going anywhere. I noticed I haven’t been writing a lot about him lately, and that is because he has been a bit of a rogue; he hunts, researches hunting on the net, takes the kids to and from school, writes, hangs with a few friends and that is about it. To be completely transparent, Kelly and he have decided to take an ”indefinite break“, so he is doing a lot on his own. He is doing some intensive healing. Today was a nice little reminder of how much I love him, how well we do together, and how we are going to be together for a long time to come.

”Is there a relationship from your past that you would like to rekindle?“ is the question in 12 days journal #214


I am looking forward to a roaring rekindle with Raabis (what I call Chris) soon, when the time is right. I trust us.

Day 8 Sacred Space- Red

Today is red. I can not ignore the obvious, that red is the colour of passion. There has been much passion in the creation of this studio. Michael and I met 5 months ago, our relationship has been on hyper-speed ever since; we met, made love, decided to work together, fell deeper into love across distance, then spent 39 days straight with one another working, and falling deeper, always deeper. Life with my family began to include him, we moved in as a family, back into our newly refinished home; a new old home, a new old family. The passion also included a lot of intense anger and sadness. Michael and I process, it is what we do, often despite our wishes to turn it off. The growth I have experience has been so quick at times that I wondered if it was healthy. I was full of fear, fear that had been put away years ago added to a new fear of completely transparently living my truth, I was (and sometimes still am) scared shitless.

Under it all though is a faith, a devotion, a deep deep knowing that it is all worth it; that living in a way where I get to love and honour myself exactly as I am, and can do the same for everyone around me, is worth it. I am a work in progress, always will be, this is my family and my life as it is right now, and it is beautiful. I believe my children feel safer than they have in a long time, more held. I believe Chris is finally getting the space he needs to deal with all the pain that led to his accident over 2 years ago, his journey now has more witnesses, I believe this is a relief, and likely also scary as hell. I believe that Michael is feeling the challenge and exhilaration of getting exactly what he asked for, I believe he loves me, and his new family.

I feel blessed, and full of gratitude for my entire family. The struggles and growth have been intense. I have asked God or anyone who would listen many times for a pause button, felt like I needed to just stop moving so I could breathe. Well the pause button never materialized, instead I am learning to breathe while it all moves on around me. This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.

Here is one of my favourite “Blue” writing songs, there is a lot of this song in many of the posts you have read here.



And just because red, passion love filled red is one of my all time favourite colours, I leave you with a poem which makes me think red red red. Here is a little e.e. Cummings.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh...And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly I like the thrill

of under me you so quite new
-e.e cummings

“What are you passionate about?” is the question in 12 days journal #210

Day 4 Committed To Self- Ohm Sweet Ohm

I have a home again. Well I should say I have MY home again...finally. After over 4 months of living in my mothers basement, a one bedroom suite plus studio, with 7 people, I now have my own home back. And how things have changed since I last lived here.

I met Michael On June 6th, spring had just begun, he slept here the night we met...God my mother reads this blog I can’t believe I am writing this, not to mention my daughter is a follower. ACK! This night we spent together was one of the last I ever slept here, up on the mountain in my cozy little home. Mind you it wasn’t so cozy back then, I hated it to be perfectly honest. Felt like living in a bad suburban nightmare, and not a nice suburb either. The structure itself is sound, the lay out is decent, the location phenomenal, but the outside and inside were terrible. My mother, renovator extraordinaire, came up here in the spring to renovate the bedrooms, and ended up moving walls around, putting in more windows, revamping the kitchen and redoing two bathrooms. The inside of the house is completely transformed.

Tonight is my first night back, with my newly configured family. Chris, Bernice, Michael, Ayla, Lily and Rosy. Kelly lives with her other partner in town, but has a drawer in the bathroom and a spot in the closet. I suspect she will be here quite often, that it will be her home too. Tomorrow we will host a Thanksgiving dinner for 16 people. (For my lovely American readers, Canadian Thanksgiving is on the second Monday of October). There are still plenty of boxes lying round the house, and plenty more down at my moms, but it is nicely arranged and ready for a feast.

“What are you thankful for?“ is the question in 12 days journal #182

I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful that she shares with my family the incredible talents she has. She has amazing vision, can take a sow’s ear and transform it into an exquisite silk purse. She did so with our budget in mind creating a whole new home with very little. She is resourceful and can create simple solutions. And in case you get the idea that she is an interior decorator who makes the plans, while others do all the work, I will have you know my mom is willing to get down and dirty. She can use a skill saw with precision and will make sure she is the first to use any new tool when it arrives on site. You don’t want to get between her and any renovation fun! I am thankful for a home which inspires me, one I am drawn to ”go home“ to, one like I have now. Thank you mama...from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

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(my new kitchen)

I am also thankful for my family. I know ”my family“ normally just makes the Thanksgiving Dinner list along with “this food”, but this year is different for me. This year, as I sit and devour turkey dinner with my crew, I have a new appreciation for how fragile, adaptable and courageous a thing family can be. The last few months have not been filled with ease. They have been filled with love, joy, laughter, passion, excitement and adventure, but not ease. There have been other things too; anger, fear, distrust, misunderstanding, sadness, a lot of sadness. If I were to tell you that things have been easy you would know I was lying anyway, that or I know you have NOT been reading regularly! What I can say with complete conviction is life has been real, very very real. Learning to live with 2 other adults, while parenting, and living under my mom (did I mention the two dogs and eleven fish?) has taught me to live out loud, to face myself in ways I have never had to before, to chose my choice, even when it seems too hard, too scary. I have no idea what this winter brings with its gobs of snow and icy fun, but I am ever so thankful for the last 3 seasons. I have had a Spring to meet a new life partner, a Summer to discover one another and a fall to test our resistance to storm. On December 22nd of this year Michael will have been with us for 4 seasons. A friend once told me her mother would often say “Give it four season”. I plan to make it many many more than that. Thank you family, I love each and everyone of you and am blessed to share my life with you.

Day 7 Walkabout- All over the place!

The Rose Ceremony is a Waldorf Education right of passage. Most Waldorf schools go to grade 8. When a new batch of grade one students ruck up to the school in September it is the grade 8’s that welcome them in. These older students each take one of the younger under their wing and become a mentor to them through out the school year, the ritual which starts this relationship is called the Rose Ceremony. A Rose is passed to the grade one student by their grade 8 mentor in front of the whole school on the first day of classes. Then at the end of the year the same ceremony is done in reverse, this time the grade one students give a rose to the grade 8’s as they say good bye to their school, and most often to Waldorf education all together since there are few high schools which follow the Waldorf curriculum. It is an emotional ceremony made that much more so this year because our family has Miss Rosemary going into grade 1 and Miss Ayla in her last year of Waldorf education in grade 8.

In true Raabis fashion we added to the emotionality and adventure by showing up for the ceremony with the whole family, and by this I mean the WHOLE family. My mom, my partner, and my husbands partner went to watch our daughters in this moving ritual. This was the first time I had stepped onto the school grounds with Michael. Chris had been with Kelly to pick up the kids a few times last year but back then they called themselves “friends”.

I experience the Waldorf community to be quite conservative. This is not to say that they ARE conservative, “conservative“ is a relative term, most of them seem more conservative than me. To be more truthful, I admit by conservative I mean I am afraid that they judge me. Stepping into that parking lot was not easy, holding Michael's hand while sitting next to Chris, was not easy. Being there with the support of Michael and Kelly though, that was easy. Having four adults care for 3 children brings things back into balance.

I used to joke that I didn’t know why on earth I had three kids, that Chris and I had out numbered ourselves. When Chris was working 60 hour weeks I was definitely not enough parent for all three of them. Now there seems to be enough support and time to get done what needs to get done, this was not my experience before Michael and Kelly came along. Our lives look different from other peoples lives in that we have a alternatively configured family, and different in this sense means easier. Believe me there are other ways in which it is not easier. One of my friends daughters asked Michael if he loved me in the ”want to marry her“ kind of way, he said he did, but that this was not possible, and even illegal as it would make me a bigamist. Being in a polyamourous flavoured polyfidelitous relationship with a family of 7 has its ease and its difficulties, just like all relationships...huh... not so different after-all.

I had a talk with a friend today, one who I dearly love and supports me with completely unconditional love. She asked to have tea, she wants to talk about what is going on in our family. Her daughter is one of Lily’s best friends. She wants to be able to support all our children in this transition, hers and mine. She wants to ”normalize“ what is going on in our family in order for the kids to see that the parents get it, are not afraid and that we all support each other. I love her to the bottom of my heart. It couldn’t have been easy for her to call up and ask me this, and she did anyway. Pam I love ya.

Pam’s call for more knowledge and transparency got me to thinking that this blog is a great vehicle for more clarity around our particular flavour of Polyamory and polyamory in general. So I am going to be talking about Polyamory a little more on the blog in the next little while, dropping links and suggestions of books and really opening up about this part of our lives. The following link is just your run of the mill Wikipedia link, it is a good one, which surprises me because often Wikipedia is a little lacking. This entry though is very informative. I mention Polyfidelity above, the term is explained in the link...I will be talking about it a little more later.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

Whew...what a long rambling post! And to think the post that I started with, and then deleted, was dead boring!




”Is there something you would like your family or community to know about you?“ is the question in 12 days journal #148

Day 5 Jus Dance- Day 40

I have a little time before school this morning, I want to spend it catching up, alleviate the stress I am feeling because of being so behind. I am also feeling another pull. A pull to be really transparent about what is going on for me, a pull to use this space as a way of creating some ease for myself and others around my choices, and acceptance of who I am . It is interesting that because I still am back logged by 6 entries at this point, that what I write today, will not be seen for a while yet, not until I have written and proof-read the entries which come before this one...geez I hope I don’t change my mind!

If I were to be with Michael today it would have been our 40th day together. We met on June 6th, and were in contact through phone and email. Then on July 2nd he came to Nelson to get me, take me to the coast and begin working together. Up until this point I have spoken of our work relationship, but I haven’t spoken about our personal relationship. Truth is I don’t really buy into the illusion of there being a separation between these two, and certainly with us this is the case. Michael is my partner, in many ways. We work together, we are friends, and we are also lovers.

I imagine for some of you reading that last line was shocking, others will likely be laughing and saying “Well it is about time!”. I imagine there are many more reactions, and I imagine a number of those involve sadness, fear and confusion. So let me speak about some of the logistics to hopefully minimize at least the confusion. Chris and I have had an open relationship for many years. There was a time when we were “in the closet” about this, there are so many misunderstandings about what this means, often it was easier to just not deal with them. The problem with this was, that it meant hiding. Hiding has a way of taking something and turning it into a dirty little secret. There is nothing “dirty” about the choices I have made when it comes to family, relationships and sexuality, I am actually quite proud of these choices. I am proud that I am willing to look at how us human beings relate to each other, with our friends, lovers, children, and partners and admit that there is much that is not acknowledged.

There is a name that has been coined for the choices we have made for living in our truth, it is called Polyamoury; loving more than one. Not really a radical idea. Most people love more than one person. What is radical in our culture is the idea that a man can be close to more than one womyn and this does not detract from his love for either, or that a womyn can be sexual with more than one person and that this is not “cheating” so long as everyone’s needs are being met. This idea tends to fly in the face of our cultural ideas of relationship based on monogamy. Generally it takes a very big paradigm shift for a person steeped in a monogamy based culture to see polyamoury without projecting a whole bunch of attributes that do not belong to it. The biggest one for me is that it somehow lacks in integrity. Before I address anything else THIS is what I need to explain. Polyamoury for me, and I feel confident to say this for Chris and Michael and Kelly as well, is all about living with integrity, being transparent, honest, and respectful of ALL people involved. It is not about “cheating”, “having affairs”, “or running around”. It is not related to polygamy or polyandry which both tend to polarize power and permission in the direction of one gender. It is not about being “promiscuous” or “slutty” or “a player”. Polyamoury addresses sexuality, sexuality is an integral part, but polyamoury is not about having sex with whoever you want, and for me is about relating to human beings on a deeply connected, spiritual level which most often does NOT involve sex.

Polyamoury is scary, mostly because it flies in the face of the foundation of what our culture was built upon, the nuclear family. A house, lot, car, and lawn mower for every man-womyn-children unit it our western world, and we have grown accustom to this. If you are comfortable with this configuration HOORAY! I am so happy for you that you are able to live in the way you choose. I personally am not happy with this way of doing things, I find it limiting. I want to live in community where there are many parents and many children who support each other. Often in communities such as this relations tend to deepen, boundaries blur. I see this as a positive thing. Again, if you don’t that is just fine, I am not trying to convince anyone of anything. What I am doing is coming out of the closet.

I am polyamorous, so is my husband, his partner Kelly and my partner Michael. I am asking for your compassion, understanding and acceptance. If you have any questions, PLEASE ASK, I will be happy to explain that our way of being a family is beautiful, and not something I want to hide anymore.

Thank you.

“What is the hardest thing you ever had to tell someone?” is the question in 12 days journal 122

And you know what? It really wasn’t that hard to tell this one, the idea of telling was a lot harder.