I will start this entry as I have many others by saying I had no idea when I started this project where it would lead. I am beginning to lose track of when it was “this project” began or even what I mean when I say “this project”.
It is not possible to condense what I have experienced since that surf contest in January into one entry. Geographically I have been in over 10 states and 3 countries since then. I have travelled with my family, alone and with other travellers. I have travelled by plane, collectivo, bus, taxi, foot and in the back of a pick up. I have met so many people that my eyes fill with tears and my mind spins to imagine all the beings filled with so much light that I have touched and been touched by. It has been one heck of a wild holy ride!
I can not explain in any linear fashion the events of the days since the 11th of January 2011, but I can give you some highlights.
The first that comes to mind is meeting an elder who I accepted into my heart. I made this known to him by making a tobacco offering. I have been on a spiritual path my whole life. I was quiet about it in my youth when I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it to myself much less to others. As time went on though it became my way and I began to live it out loud in my every day. I called it my “solo path” before I knew that such a term existed in new age circles. I dedicated myself and trusted. Yet there were many times I longed to not be so alone. I found many to walk with for a time, some are still here nearly 18 years later but this was not enough. I wanted an elder, a guru, a person to follow and rest. On January 23rd I found him, his name is Oso Blanco.
I had written in my personal journal some months earlier that I longed to sit at the feet of my elders. What I didn’t know as I knelt before him, tobacco bowl out stretched, streams of tears spilling down my face asking him to be my elder, was that my sitting would be done from sun down to sun up on the day of his death.
Oso blanco died 3 days after we met. He died after giving me the gift of a rattle, the one I had used in his inipi. His inipi was where we sat in sweat lodge the night before he died. I sat next to him at his request because he “needed my help“. I didn’t know what this meant but knew that when the time came I would know what to do.... and I did.
That night in the inipi I held him as he shook and cried, as he begged the grandfathers to give him the strength to make it through this difficult sweat lodge. I simply petted him, like he were an old bear. He murmured “thank you” over and over again. It was one of the most intimate moments of my life.
I left the sweat lodge that evening knowing something grand was about to happen and pushing away what I suspected was coming. The next morning as we drank coffee before breakfast, just as we had every day since we met, he explained why he was giving me the rattle and why I had been entrusted with it in the inipi the night before. He explained what he saw in me, how strong my energy was, and what it was I needed to do. I felt seen in a way I never have before. He was adamant this morning that he and I go into ceremony together. He told me continually, “It will be hard on you, but it is going to be harder on me”. I trusted him and was quite frankly desperate to complete this ceremony which would break a bond which I believed at the time I could not sever on my own. He and I then went into ceremony together only it started as he began to die. I did the ceremony on my own as he transitioned into the ether. At first I pleaded with God, looked into the sky and cried “I don’t know what to do?!”. I heard a steady internal voice say. “Yes you do, you have been doing this your whole life... just go into ceremony as you always have, following what is.” ... and so I did.
Later that evening I sat at his funeral which was to last 4 nights. I was guarding the north door of the inipi which meant sitting on the ground in the cold night with his feet pressed up against my kidneys. His body had died less than 12 hours earlier, I could feel his life force still pulsing.
This was the first of 4 nights of honouring my elder, my guru, the first and only in 37 years, my whole life. He came to tell me that I am doing wonderfully all on my own. He taught me that while I AM walking a solo path, that I was doing it alongside many beautiful beings with the same commitment. He taught me about being together alone. He taught me to love myself, to trust myself, to believe in myself, to understand that there is no self, that we are all one.
There were three things I not only heard Oso Blanco say but SAW him LIVE that made me decided to choose him.
First he explained to someone as I listened that the love between a man and a womyn when both fully honour the other is the most powerful force in the world, that when we come together in love it has the power to heal the world. That those of us who know this are here to teach others who are still working to understand.
Secondly he taught that learning from ones “youngers” is as important as learning from ones “elders”. That womyn and children are to be respected in action not just words. Of course, so are the men, but that we are still dealing with a repression on Goddess nature so in this way the power imbalance is still playing out.
Third, like a true Grandfather he assured me that I am on my path, that I am doing an excellent job and that I should continue to follow it exactly as I have been. He reminded me of my own glory, that I needed nothing more than what I already had.
I left the mountains of Nayrarit after 3 days of knowing Oso blanco in life and 4 days of knowing him in death. 7 days.
The event where I met him is named 7:7:7:7. I found it on facebook through my friend Steve. I chose to attend because I had a miscarriage which lasted 7 sevens, 49 days. I follow this simple numerical symbol, trusting its importance, to a gathering in Mexico. I trusted that I was being led. This is the magic that brought me to spend 7 days with my elder, Oso Blanco... or you might just want to call him Steve, which is how I was introduced to this man who changed my life forever by reassuring me I needed no changing, that I am evolving perfectly.
Since then my many journeys have blended one into one another.
I swam at the birth place of a magical azul river , a place so sacred I believed it was heaven. On the way back to my hostel I saw a garbage pile as high as a 5 story building. It was beautiful and horrific. A swarm of birds, hundreds thick, dove en masse into this plastic sea, picking up treasures while filling the air with elated screeches. I learned that Mexico is everything it isn’t and isn’t everything it is. Mexico is a magical land of contradictions.
I travelled with a man who was patient with my devotion to seriousness and talented enough at playing that he managed to crack me open. I found FUN Bernice again!
I climbed to the top of ruins which I do not understand with my mind but could feel in my body. Their long holy lineage of both light and dark are something I know in my soul.
I travelled home to my own beloved town of Nelson with the eyes of a traveller. I stayed only 5 days and visited with many loved ones, missing many many more. In Nelson I found a place of healing. While this is not new information I was able to see through layers of the veil to better understand what “healing” actually means.
I learned from a master in a form of dance which I sometimes have to convince myself I have the ability to lead. I sat and listened to him with a beguiling mixture of emotions, respectful of his mystical waysf and frustrated at his human nature.
I slept under a full moon on the side of a mountain during the Equinox. I performed ritual under the stars. My partner used a caracol to honour the sun as it rose at day break into the same position the moon had been just hours before. I honoured the divine union of man and womyn.
I fed my eldest iguana (by accident) and pulled a scorpion off my baby’s back.
I have ridden on buses with men who take up too much room and womyn who take up too little.
I shared meals with men who shine with a new knowing and womyn who are fighting for waves in an ocean they don’t believe is their own.
I have snuggled kids who are vomiting and talked for hours with a husband who I am just getting to know... again.
I am becoming more comfortable with not always feeling comfortable.
I let go of any semblance of a physical home so I could find mine smack dab in the center of my own beautiful being... en mi corazon.
I learned that I trust Eros.
Hasta Seimpre!
Showing posts with label bernice raabis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bernice raabis. Show all posts
March 29, 2011
January 3, 2011
The Beginning of a New Ease
Tomorrow we are to witness another magical celestial event.
There will be a new moon, a partial solar eclipse, mercury is finally direct again with all other planets moving forward as well... what a relief! Enjoy this one because we have earned it! Did I mention there will be a meteor shower too? Amazing.
We in the western hemisphere will have to feel the eclipse rather than see it. Those in Europe, Central Asia and Africa though will be treated a beautiful crescent son. The sun mirroring the nature of the moon as she comes new, when she is at her most vulnerable. I take this as an omen, the beginning of a truce, a reconciliation between the feminine and masculine and a flowering of Divine love.
I am not sure yet what intentions I will set, but I will surely be informed by this beginning of a new age of co-operation between the sexes.
This will be my first New Moon ceremony below the Tropic of Cancer, where the cycles of the mother is more subtle. I am so connected to the rhythms of my home, how they mirror the rhythms of life. I only had to look outside my window to understand the significance of the many cosmic wheels which turn brining us this fabulous life. I miss my home.
AND... I am happy to be here in Mexico, learning. About what I am not sure yet. I just know that this is where I was led. I will understand it all soon. I know to head towards Chiapas, which is what we are doing. For now though we are going to kick back and enjoy San Blas, Nyrait. Which is where we are headed tomorrow.The perfect place to be this new moon, I know because everywhere I am in the perfect place for me to be.
Blessings to you all on this night.
“What intentions will you set this new moon?”
January 1, 2011
Day and Night, Noche y Día
It is New Years Day... in the wee hours. I can’t sleep.
I had a wonderful time with my family in Old Mazatlan. There were people dancing in the streets, the Plazuela Machado was filled with hundreds of Mexican families dressed in their finest to celebrate.
I was there most of the time. Some of it though I was off in the past remembering last New Years.
This day last year fell on a full and blue moon, a celestial celebration! That night Ayla and I danced while Michael drummed in the New Year of 2010... what a year it was! While the Eve was a delicious one to remember, New Years Day was an unexpected day of mourning. Anniversaries can sneak up.
I sat in the hot tub earlier today. I felt so alone despite being surrounded by hordes of people. I was the only English speaker, I am getting to experiencing how isolating this can be. It was more than that though. I felt just awful. Eventually I clawed my way through the gloominess and put into play some of what I learned in 2010. I closed my eyes and felt into what was going on inside. I didn’t try to push any of it away, rationalize it or explain it. I didn’t go into stories or judge myself for what I was feeling... I just let it float up to the top to make it conscious.
And once I did, well...no wonder felt so horrible! I found serious self doubt. Fear of my life returning to a way it had been in the past, a way I was deeply frightened of repeating. I found a fear of losing control of my body, either gaining or losing weight again and not being able to stop it. I had deep tragic thoughts of not being enough. Again the idea of my breasts being not enough to make me a womyn. I found fear of not being loved the way I want to be and under it all I felt a deep fear of loss.... yes there was a deep fear that I had lost something dear to me.
I reminded myself that the moon was just coming new, a natural time of self doubt especially for womyn. I reminded myself that these feelings would pass, that the stories I had attached to them were there so I would pay attention, these feelings were acting out because they wanted understanding. I coached myself to keep perspective, not let my fear create a downward spiral, especially on this night when there was a huge fiesta planned. My moon is due in a few days, maybe I am just experiencing pre moon sadness? But where was I to put my focus and self love. There was something so deep that I could quite figure out...
And there is was, an anniversary that I had forgotten came to the surface. I lost a baby, one I didn’t even know I was pregnant with until it was all over. It happened on New Years Day 2010, it was the first of two lost last year.
The rhythms of life, the cycles that orchestrate all things from our smallest cells to the furthest planets, are always at play. We all have our place in these spirals and they can not be escaped. I imagined that maybe being this far away from the frozen ice and snow, I might have been able to trick my body into passing this anniversary over. But the body remembers, my body remembered. Eventually my mind finally did too, and though it is painful I am grateful. Knowing the root of my murky mood, making it conscious and then letting myself mourn the loss (again) allowed me to move through the grief with grace. Loss needs grief. It needs to be felt as grief and so it can become praise. All that is beautiful dies and to honour it with grief is to sing praises to God. This was taught to me by a friend last year. I had to learn it many times to really get it.
Knowing where this pain was coming from I could NOW rationalize, see clearly that I will not go back to a past I fear, the idea is actually absurd. I am enough and God knows this, only I ever doubt it. My body being controlled is what brought me the pain in the first place! I can let go of wanting to control this beautiful body of mine and let it flourish. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.
By the time we were counting in 2011 I was happy, dancing in the streets with my girls. Though the loss was still with me, I will never get to dance with the baby who flew away January 1st 2010. I love all my babies, those who dance in the streets and those who dance in the ether.
2010 was certainly a fertile year for me. I am so very excited to see what 2011 will bring.
Feliz Año Nuevo Everyone!
“What did you learn last year that really sticks out?”
I had a wonderful time with my family in Old Mazatlan. There were people dancing in the streets, the Plazuela Machado was filled with hundreds of Mexican families dressed in their finest to celebrate.
I was there most of the time. Some of it though I was off in the past remembering last New Years.
This day last year fell on a full and blue moon, a celestial celebration! That night Ayla and I danced while Michael drummed in the New Year of 2010... what a year it was! While the Eve was a delicious one to remember, New Years Day was an unexpected day of mourning. Anniversaries can sneak up.
I sat in the hot tub earlier today. I felt so alone despite being surrounded by hordes of people. I was the only English speaker, I am getting to experiencing how isolating this can be. It was more than that though. I felt just awful. Eventually I clawed my way through the gloominess and put into play some of what I learned in 2010. I closed my eyes and felt into what was going on inside. I didn’t try to push any of it away, rationalize it or explain it. I didn’t go into stories or judge myself for what I was feeling... I just let it float up to the top to make it conscious.
And once I did, well...no wonder felt so horrible! I found serious self doubt. Fear of my life returning to a way it had been in the past, a way I was deeply frightened of repeating. I found a fear of losing control of my body, either gaining or losing weight again and not being able to stop it. I had deep tragic thoughts of not being enough. Again the idea of my breasts being not enough to make me a womyn. I found fear of not being loved the way I want to be and under it all I felt a deep fear of loss.... yes there was a deep fear that I had lost something dear to me.
I reminded myself that the moon was just coming new, a natural time of self doubt especially for womyn. I reminded myself that these feelings would pass, that the stories I had attached to them were there so I would pay attention, these feelings were acting out because they wanted understanding. I coached myself to keep perspective, not let my fear create a downward spiral, especially on this night when there was a huge fiesta planned. My moon is due in a few days, maybe I am just experiencing pre moon sadness? But where was I to put my focus and self love. There was something so deep that I could quite figure out...
And there is was, an anniversary that I had forgotten came to the surface. I lost a baby, one I didn’t even know I was pregnant with until it was all over. It happened on New Years Day 2010, it was the first of two lost last year.
The rhythms of life, the cycles that orchestrate all things from our smallest cells to the furthest planets, are always at play. We all have our place in these spirals and they can not be escaped. I imagined that maybe being this far away from the frozen ice and snow, I might have been able to trick my body into passing this anniversary over. But the body remembers, my body remembered. Eventually my mind finally did too, and though it is painful I am grateful. Knowing the root of my murky mood, making it conscious and then letting myself mourn the loss (again) allowed me to move through the grief with grace. Loss needs grief. It needs to be felt as grief and so it can become praise. All that is beautiful dies and to honour it with grief is to sing praises to God. This was taught to me by a friend last year. I had to learn it many times to really get it.
Knowing where this pain was coming from I could NOW rationalize, see clearly that I will not go back to a past I fear, the idea is actually absurd. I am enough and God knows this, only I ever doubt it. My body being controlled is what brought me the pain in the first place! I can let go of wanting to control this beautiful body of mine and let it flourish. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.
By the time we were counting in 2011 I was happy, dancing in the streets with my girls. Though the loss was still with me, I will never get to dance with the baby who flew away January 1st 2010. I love all my babies, those who dance in the streets and those who dance in the ether.
2010 was certainly a fertile year for me. I am so very excited to see what 2011 will bring.
Feliz Año Nuevo Everyone!
“What did you learn last year that really sticks out?”
December 30, 2010
Senor Frogs, One Hopping Joint!
Well if yesterday was the shadow, tonight was the light!
I went with my whole family to Senor Frogs. Yes... touristy to the max!! And you know what? It was SUCH a good time. This is their business, if these guys can’t take a grumpy family and put smiles on their grouchy faces then no on can! It definitely worked for us. The only part that sucked about the evening was that we didn’t bring a camera so there is no photo to aid your trip with us to one of the most touristy joints in all of Mexico.
We walked in to this loud, obnoxious establishment and were greeted by a peppy hostess who delivered us to our waiter. His name was Aldos and he was dancing to “You Can Leave your Hat on” by Tom Jones while performing a Full Monty style mock strip tease. He then brought us name tags.
Ayla was “Brittany Spears”
Lily- “Lady Gaga”
Rosy- “Dennis the Menace” due to the fact that as soon as her drink came she accidentally(?) spit juice on Aldos.
My mother in law AKA Omi was “The One who Pays the Bill”
Chris- “The Man”
and I was “The Boss”
Given how tough last night was, with today not being much better,THIS was just the stress reliever we needed.
I use to “not drink”. This changed the minute I entered Mexico. I have taken to drinking tequila because well you know what they say about Rome! With fermented agave running through my system I made the rather unorthodox choice of ordering two platters of deep fried Mexican party food.While we waited a talented man made us balloon all hats. Yes that is right, each and everyone of us scarfed down battered shrimp, quesidillas, tacos and deep fried cheese while wearing elaborate and suggestive balloon hat.
There were employees whose only job was to pull practical jokes on customers. Rosy was constantly entertained and high as a kite on sugar and grease.
While we were waiting for dessert (wait... when does my family of conscious eaters EVER order dessert? Oh ya right, when mom is drinking tequila and ordering in partial sign language over blaring cheesy 80’s videos) a handsome young man arrived at our table to perform magic tricks. This kid was GOOD! I could detect the slightest slide of hand, and I was watching like a hawk! Daniel, our magician, was a gem. He had fallen in love with Ayla and addressed Chris as his “future father in law”. Ayla turned many shades of pink but was having a good deal of fun with the attention. Daniel’s father arrived half way through his performance, he motioned that he would be just a few minutes longer.
I have found it somewhat difficult to deal with the ways of Mexican culture since I arrived. Most Mexicans have a well practised poker face. In the beginning I misunderstood this as grumpiness. I have come to understand that all I need do is initiate, say “Hola”, smile and I am usually rewarded. To let Daniel's father know how much I appreciated him I put my hand to my heart and pointed at his son. He smiled wide and nodded with what I imagined to be pride. And he has reason to be be proud. Daniel is very good at what he does. Not just at being a magician, but at connecting with customers in an authentic way. He was brilliant with every last one of us.
This video is for you Daniel. I hope you find me here on the blog. When you gave the napkin with your email address to Ayla saying she should keep it because her parents might forget it due to tequila consumption, you were right! But we remembered the name of the the only electronica song that you like and will end this entry with it... email me here on the blog and I will send you Ayla’s contact... in 4 years time.
If you come to Mazatlan, put aside all culinary restrictions, all ideas of what constitutes bad music, prepare for over-stimulation, and treat yourself to the best touristy dinner in all of Mexico! They took very good care of us and by the end we left as a bonded happy family... thank you Senor Frogs!
“What do you enjoy that might surprise those who know you?”
I went with my whole family to Senor Frogs. Yes... touristy to the max!! And you know what? It was SUCH a good time. This is their business, if these guys can’t take a grumpy family and put smiles on their grouchy faces then no on can! It definitely worked for us. The only part that sucked about the evening was that we didn’t bring a camera so there is no photo to aid your trip with us to one of the most touristy joints in all of Mexico.
We walked in to this loud, obnoxious establishment and were greeted by a peppy hostess who delivered us to our waiter. His name was Aldos and he was dancing to “You Can Leave your Hat on” by Tom Jones while performing a Full Monty style mock strip tease. He then brought us name tags.
Ayla was “Brittany Spears”
Lily- “Lady Gaga”
Rosy- “Dennis the Menace” due to the fact that as soon as her drink came she accidentally(?) spit juice on Aldos.
My mother in law AKA Omi was “The One who Pays the Bill”
Chris- “The Man”
and I was “The Boss”
Given how tough last night was, with today not being much better,THIS was just the stress reliever we needed.
I use to “not drink”. This changed the minute I entered Mexico. I have taken to drinking tequila because well you know what they say about Rome! With fermented agave running through my system I made the rather unorthodox choice of ordering two platters of deep fried Mexican party food.While we waited a talented man made us balloon all hats. Yes that is right, each and everyone of us scarfed down battered shrimp, quesidillas, tacos and deep fried cheese while wearing elaborate and suggestive balloon hat.
There were employees whose only job was to pull practical jokes on customers. Rosy was constantly entertained and high as a kite on sugar and grease.
While we were waiting for dessert (wait... when does my family of conscious eaters EVER order dessert? Oh ya right, when mom is drinking tequila and ordering in partial sign language over blaring cheesy 80’s videos) a handsome young man arrived at our table to perform magic tricks. This kid was GOOD! I could detect the slightest slide of hand, and I was watching like a hawk! Daniel, our magician, was a gem. He had fallen in love with Ayla and addressed Chris as his “future father in law”. Ayla turned many shades of pink but was having a good deal of fun with the attention. Daniel’s father arrived half way through his performance, he motioned that he would be just a few minutes longer.
I have found it somewhat difficult to deal with the ways of Mexican culture since I arrived. Most Mexicans have a well practised poker face. In the beginning I misunderstood this as grumpiness. I have come to understand that all I need do is initiate, say “Hola”, smile and I am usually rewarded. To let Daniel's father know how much I appreciated him I put my hand to my heart and pointed at his son. He smiled wide and nodded with what I imagined to be pride. And he has reason to be be proud. Daniel is very good at what he does. Not just at being a magician, but at connecting with customers in an authentic way. He was brilliant with every last one of us.
This video is for you Daniel. I hope you find me here on the blog. When you gave the napkin with your email address to Ayla saying she should keep it because her parents might forget it due to tequila consumption, you were right! But we remembered the name of the the only electronica song that you like and will end this entry with it... email me here on the blog and I will send you Ayla’s contact... in 4 years time.
If you come to Mazatlan, put aside all culinary restrictions, all ideas of what constitutes bad music, prepare for over-stimulation, and treat yourself to the best touristy dinner in all of Mexico! They took very good care of us and by the end we left as a bonded happy family... thank you Senor Frogs!
“What do you enjoy that might surprise those who know you?”
December 29, 2010
I Bet Frida Would Understand
I am sitting outside the internet cafe of my hotel. I am hiding from passers-by that I am crying... again. I say again because I cry a lot. I have ideas about my prolific crying which are conflicting.
On one hand I love the fact that I cry. I allow my emotions to flow and take advantage of natures method of dumping chemicals produced during intense experience, this keeps me healthy. I feel much better after a good cry.
On the other hand when I am at my most vulnerable, tears dripping, snot bubbling, I judge that I let my emotions rule me.
Why am I crying this time? I am frustrated, angry and sad. I am noticing a pattern re-emerging in my family that I haven’t had to deal with for quite some time. This pattern had pretty much disappeared because I disappeared. I took a year off last year, or maybe it would be more accurate to say I worked part time. I had become so frustrated with how the dynamic saw me either dissolve into a puddle of tears and/or pounce with fangs dripping that I just opted out. I was still there in my home, raising my children and being a wife, but I found ways to always ‘have an out’ so that this dynamic couldn’t rule me.
Well now there is no way out, we are together all the time. We are usually doing things which require planning, organizing and follow through. My frustration comes not because as mother planning and organizing generally fall to me, but that once the organization and planning are in place it is often not respected. Not to mention that the follow through sucks! Worse yet there is rarely any acknowledgement of the effort put in. When I end up in either in tears or with bared claws I am met with looks of stunned silence which seem to say,“What is mom’s problem?!” What is most maddening is that the activities are organized around what everyone says they want! It is not as though I am draggin them along to do only the things I want to do... ARGH!
I can imagine at this point mothers everywhere are nodding their heads in sympathy and aggravation, my story is not a rare one.
I won’t bore you with the gritty details except to say that after trying to rationally and calmly explain a number of times that I was frustrated, I decided to catch a cab back to the hotel by myself.
I wanted to cry in the cab, but the drunk driver who kept asking me if I had a husband likely would have been thrown. Given his state I thought it prudent to not distract him. I would have got out to seek a sober driver but I was miles from my hotel and only had enough for his fare. I considered refusing to pay but that seemed more dangerous than staying the course. I prayed a lot instead.
When I arrived at the hotel I had a bath hoping to bring on tears of release, but I was still too angry. Just as they began to bubble up I heard my family laughing and running down the hallway. They tumbled over each other rushing into the room to get their swimsuits, they seemed to have forgotten about what happened and were now focused on soaking in the hot tub. They wouldn’t make eye contact and got away from me as quickly as they could which many a mother will tell you is par for the course when we get upset. Tell me, am I the only one who feel so hurt when this happens?
In order to restrain myself from tearing their heads off, I decided to go down to an internet cafe in town. I walked out of hotel and was met by an armed soldier so I reconsidered. It is not as scary as it sounds. I learned later there was a government official staying at our hotel, it is customary for the military to accompany him. It is meant to instil a sense of safety. Funny, a man in camo with a big gun doesn’t bring me a warm fuzzy feeling of safety, a cultural difference to be sure.
I then went into the internet cafe at the hotel, only to be told I can not use my own computer there. I swear the universe was working really hard to push me into a Kali moment!
I finally found a place to sit and use my computer. I was too shaken to write so I watched the following video by Chameli Ardagh called The Fierce Face of the Feminine. The tear finally began to flow.
She speaks of Kali becoming intoxicated with anger, how not even Shiva could stop her rage with force. It was only when he showed his belly, lay before her vulnerable and in complete love, accepted her anger as Divinity, that she stopped. It was the understanding of how she come to a place of rage from not feeling heard, when enough was enough and nothing else would stop the injustice, when he gave THIS his presence she was able to regain her own.
I would really like my anger, frustration, and sadness to be met with presence. Better yet I don’t want to get to the Kali place to conjure presence. I don’t want things to get ugly before I am listened to. When it happens this way as a dynamic, as an ongoing pattern we all have to suffer first. There is an easier way.
For now I will just go find somewhere with no family, no drunk taxi drivers, no armed guards, no internet lounge attendants and continue to let my tears flow... I will find presence within myself for right now and trust that it will come from my loved ones soon. I trust that we will find a way to face this dynamic so it can dissolve. That my Kali will rest more often, laying side by side with Shiva cuddling rather than going at his neck with a machete.
I came up with so many question for this entry, but settled on. “What helps you regain presence when you are angry?”
This post is dedicated to my friend Deirdre who cheered me up while I was writing this entry trying.
“I write about myself because when I am alone I hear the voice of God and because I am the subject I know best”
~ Bernice Raabis
(a rip off on the Frida Kahlo quote and my friend Deirdre’s facebook status)
"I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best."
~ Frida Kahlo
On one hand I love the fact that I cry. I allow my emotions to flow and take advantage of natures method of dumping chemicals produced during intense experience, this keeps me healthy. I feel much better after a good cry.
On the other hand when I am at my most vulnerable, tears dripping, snot bubbling, I judge that I let my emotions rule me.
Why am I crying this time? I am frustrated, angry and sad. I am noticing a pattern re-emerging in my family that I haven’t had to deal with for quite some time. This pattern had pretty much disappeared because I disappeared. I took a year off last year, or maybe it would be more accurate to say I worked part time. I had become so frustrated with how the dynamic saw me either dissolve into a puddle of tears and/or pounce with fangs dripping that I just opted out. I was still there in my home, raising my children and being a wife, but I found ways to always ‘have an out’ so that this dynamic couldn’t rule me.
Well now there is no way out, we are together all the time. We are usually doing things which require planning, organizing and follow through. My frustration comes not because as mother planning and organizing generally fall to me, but that once the organization and planning are in place it is often not respected. Not to mention that the follow through sucks! Worse yet there is rarely any acknowledgement of the effort put in. When I end up in either in tears or with bared claws I am met with looks of stunned silence which seem to say,“What is mom’s problem?!” What is most maddening is that the activities are organized around what everyone says they want! It is not as though I am draggin them along to do only the things I want to do... ARGH!
I can imagine at this point mothers everywhere are nodding their heads in sympathy and aggravation, my story is not a rare one.
I won’t bore you with the gritty details except to say that after trying to rationally and calmly explain a number of times that I was frustrated, I decided to catch a cab back to the hotel by myself.
I wanted to cry in the cab, but the drunk driver who kept asking me if I had a husband likely would have been thrown. Given his state I thought it prudent to not distract him. I would have got out to seek a sober driver but I was miles from my hotel and only had enough for his fare. I considered refusing to pay but that seemed more dangerous than staying the course. I prayed a lot instead.
When I arrived at the hotel I had a bath hoping to bring on tears of release, but I was still too angry. Just as they began to bubble up I heard my family laughing and running down the hallway. They tumbled over each other rushing into the room to get their swimsuits, they seemed to have forgotten about what happened and were now focused on soaking in the hot tub. They wouldn’t make eye contact and got away from me as quickly as they could which many a mother will tell you is par for the course when we get upset. Tell me, am I the only one who feel so hurt when this happens?
In order to restrain myself from tearing their heads off, I decided to go down to an internet cafe in town. I walked out of hotel and was met by an armed soldier so I reconsidered. It is not as scary as it sounds. I learned later there was a government official staying at our hotel, it is customary for the military to accompany him. It is meant to instil a sense of safety. Funny, a man in camo with a big gun doesn’t bring me a warm fuzzy feeling of safety, a cultural difference to be sure.
I then went into the internet cafe at the hotel, only to be told I can not use my own computer there. I swear the universe was working really hard to push me into a Kali moment!
I finally found a place to sit and use my computer. I was too shaken to write so I watched the following video by Chameli Ardagh called The Fierce Face of the Feminine. The tear finally began to flow.
She speaks of Kali becoming intoxicated with anger, how not even Shiva could stop her rage with force. It was only when he showed his belly, lay before her vulnerable and in complete love, accepted her anger as Divinity, that she stopped. It was the understanding of how she come to a place of rage from not feeling heard, when enough was enough and nothing else would stop the injustice, when he gave THIS his presence she was able to regain her own.
I would really like my anger, frustration, and sadness to be met with presence. Better yet I don’t want to get to the Kali place to conjure presence. I don’t want things to get ugly before I am listened to. When it happens this way as a dynamic, as an ongoing pattern we all have to suffer first. There is an easier way.
For now I will just go find somewhere with no family, no drunk taxi drivers, no armed guards, no internet lounge attendants and continue to let my tears flow... I will find presence within myself for right now and trust that it will come from my loved ones soon. I trust that we will find a way to face this dynamic so it can dissolve. That my Kali will rest more often, laying side by side with Shiva cuddling rather than going at his neck with a machete.
I came up with so many question for this entry, but settled on. “What helps you regain presence when you are angry?”
This post is dedicated to my friend Deirdre who cheered me up while I was writing this entry trying.
“I write about myself because when I am alone I hear the voice of God and because I am the subject I know best”
~ Bernice Raabis
(a rip off on the Frida Kahlo quote and my friend Deirdre’s facebook status)
"I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best."
~ Frida Kahlo
December 25, 2010
Feliz Navidad!
This is my second Christmas below the tropic of Cancer. Both times I had a white Christmas but it was white sand rather than snow. The first was 16 years ago. Ayla was tucked warm and snug inside my belly, I was completely oblivious to her existence at the time. I celebrated the holidays with her biological father Tobias. I remember being home sick. This time around I did not miss home in the least.
Chris’ father died on Christmas Eve 4 years ago. Since then the holidays have been a struggle. The sadness mixes with Yule time stress and leaves little room for celebration and good cheer. This year I believe we broke the spell. It was an amazing Christmas. Here are a few of the highlights.
This year we awoke to find presents under the Christmas Piniata!
“Rudolpo the Deer” as he was called in the Hotel Activity Program, was there with a lot of energy considering his late night.
Yes you are seeing this correctly... that is Santa Clause parasailing in... I wonder if his sleigh was in for repairs?
And when he arrived there were presents for all the kids... even the naughty ones!
And no Christmas dinner is complete without entertainment... yes that is Elvis you see in the background, can you see the dreamy look in my eyes? He even came into the crowd and gave me a scarf... I quiver just thinking about it :oP
It was a rather unorthodox Christmas and it was so perfect <3
This is just a smattering of the photos from our White Sand Christmas... If you want to see more pictures click here and it will take you to the 12 days 2 inspire facebook group, from there just click on "Photos".
"How do you move on after experiencing a loss in your life?"
Chris’ father died on Christmas Eve 4 years ago. Since then the holidays have been a struggle. The sadness mixes with Yule time stress and leaves little room for celebration and good cheer. This year I believe we broke the spell. It was an amazing Christmas. Here are a few of the highlights.
This year we awoke to find presents under the Christmas Piniata!
“Rudolpo the Deer” as he was called in the Hotel Activity Program, was there with a lot of energy considering his late night.
Yes you are seeing this correctly... that is Santa Clause parasailing in... I wonder if his sleigh was in for repairs?
And when he arrived there were presents for all the kids... even the naughty ones!
And no Christmas dinner is complete without entertainment... yes that is Elvis you see in the background, can you see the dreamy look in my eyes? He even came into the crowd and gave me a scarf... I quiver just thinking about it :oP
It was a rather unorthodox Christmas and it was so perfect <3
This is just a smattering of the photos from our White Sand Christmas... If you want to see more pictures click here and it will take you to the 12 days 2 inspire facebook group, from there just click on "Photos".
"How do you move on after experiencing a loss in your life?"
December 20, 2010
Down the Rabbit Hole
Tonight the moon will be cleansed by darkness as the earth passes between her and the sun. She will slip away from the light so that she may be new while she is also full; she will walk on both sides, or float I suppose, lucky celestial body that she is. As we watch she will turn blood red. We will feel the magic as Monday (moon day) becomes Tuesday, as the 20th day becomes the 21st day. We will be exactly 2 years from the fabled day of December 21st 2012, the day predicted by the Mayan calendar to have significance beyond that which I can explain. It is Yule, or Solstice, a holy day for me and many others. Part of the reason for this half year trip to Mexico is to better understand the significance of December 21st 2012.
Last night I couldn’t sleep, my monthly ritual as the moon becomes full. I lay awake contemplating my animal totems. Rabbit, the one I have such a hard time accepting was right there next to snake, who scares me silly, this brings me back to rabbit. Rabbit medicine is fear, this medicine is strong in my life . While I can often appear fearless, those who know me well know how I live intimately with fear. Bravery is not the absence of fear but the willingness to act in the face of it.
This morning was my first time I attempted to walk out into the Mexican streets on my own. I admit to being affected by the collective fear that has been brewed via news reports of Mexican “civil war”. I was warned by many well meaning friends not to go out on my own, they feared who I might meet. As it turns out I met God in the face of a handsome elevator repairman. As I waited to board the elevator the doors parted and there he was. He politely directed me in broken English to use the stairs. I went the wrong way. I returned to the elevator confused and slightly frustrated by my inability to speak Spanish. This is when he invited me to ride on TOP of the elevator. I peered inside to see the old bricks of the elevator shaft, the mechanical workings on top of the box, and a handsome man inviting me for a ride. Seeing the dark cave and imagining entering into its darkness with a man I do not know and could barely communicate with made my rabbit fear jump, my heart began to thump wildly.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I was scared and didn’t know how to express this, which made it scarier! On the other hand I had been invited to experience something new by a beautiful man, this was was exciting, it made me blush a little. I have not been flirtatious for months, I liked felling this part of me stir again.
I have struggled since arriving with how to be a beautiful married womyn (who is in an open relationship) in this traditional Catholic culture. I can feel how my femininity attracts attention and Mexican men often do not hide their interest. This is a dance I can navigate when I am able to communicate verbally but without the language I am left with body language, eye contact and rudimentary hand signals. Not knowing how my eye contact and body language will be interpreted I feel a little like a peces out of agua.
There were so many reasons to say NO! , but I knew there was a lesson from rabbit in this. We are in a resort for the holidays, this was not some roving predator, he was there to fix the elevator. I made a decision, steadied my nerves and stepped inside the dark shaft. I looked him right in the eyes and said “I am scared”. I owned my feelings, took my rabbit medicine and saw my fear for what it was, a tool to protect me and a reminder to consider all factors. I also listened to my other instincts. All things considered I knew I was safe.
The doors closed as the man put one hand gently on my waist to steady me. My body came alive and I felt everything. I was acutely aware of where his fingers made contact with the tight bands of muscles which run down my abdomen, how his pinky brushed against the softness of my belly. I was begin supported by this large strong man and it felt divine. In the total darkness he whispered gently, “It’s chill” in a heavy Mexican accent. The elevator descended very slowly towards the ground. I was taking my trip down the rabbit hole.
When the doors opened on the first floor we were half a story up. The man let my waist go and jumped to the ground outside. I had such a strong urge to forget my feminine grace and jump like a child to the floor where I could scamper away. I remained composed, waiting for him to get into a position where he could lift me from under my arms safely to the ground.
I turned to the man who came to teach me trust and said “Gracias” with a smile which said so much more.
I am a self assured womyn filled with all manners of medicine, snake, owl, lynx, antelope, bear, fox and of course rabbit. Together this strong medicine has created a graceful womyn who can feel fear, honour its truth, and not let it rule. I walked out into the streets of Mazatlan alone and thanked God for this day which would bring me a blood red moon by its end. Tonight I will step over and walk on two sides, rabbit and snake, side by side.
“What animal totems do you relate to?”
Last night I couldn’t sleep, my monthly ritual as the moon becomes full. I lay awake contemplating my animal totems. Rabbit, the one I have such a hard time accepting was right there next to snake, who scares me silly, this brings me back to rabbit. Rabbit medicine is fear, this medicine is strong in my life . While I can often appear fearless, those who know me well know how I live intimately with fear. Bravery is not the absence of fear but the willingness to act in the face of it.
This morning was my first time I attempted to walk out into the Mexican streets on my own. I admit to being affected by the collective fear that has been brewed via news reports of Mexican “civil war”. I was warned by many well meaning friends not to go out on my own, they feared who I might meet. As it turns out I met God in the face of a handsome elevator repairman. As I waited to board the elevator the doors parted and there he was. He politely directed me in broken English to use the stairs. I went the wrong way. I returned to the elevator confused and slightly frustrated by my inability to speak Spanish. This is when he invited me to ride on TOP of the elevator. I peered inside to see the old bricks of the elevator shaft, the mechanical workings on top of the box, and a handsome man inviting me for a ride. Seeing the dark cave and imagining entering into its darkness with a man I do not know and could barely communicate with made my rabbit fear jump, my heart began to thump wildly.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I was scared and didn’t know how to express this, which made it scarier! On the other hand I had been invited to experience something new by a beautiful man, this was was exciting, it made me blush a little. I have not been flirtatious for months, I liked felling this part of me stir again.
I have struggled since arriving with how to be a beautiful married womyn (who is in an open relationship) in this traditional Catholic culture. I can feel how my femininity attracts attention and Mexican men often do not hide their interest. This is a dance I can navigate when I am able to communicate verbally but without the language I am left with body language, eye contact and rudimentary hand signals. Not knowing how my eye contact and body language will be interpreted I feel a little like a peces out of agua.
There were so many reasons to say NO! , but I knew there was a lesson from rabbit in this. We are in a resort for the holidays, this was not some roving predator, he was there to fix the elevator. I made a decision, steadied my nerves and stepped inside the dark shaft. I looked him right in the eyes and said “I am scared”. I owned my feelings, took my rabbit medicine and saw my fear for what it was, a tool to protect me and a reminder to consider all factors. I also listened to my other instincts. All things considered I knew I was safe.
The doors closed as the man put one hand gently on my waist to steady me. My body came alive and I felt everything. I was acutely aware of where his fingers made contact with the tight bands of muscles which run down my abdomen, how his pinky brushed against the softness of my belly. I was begin supported by this large strong man and it felt divine. In the total darkness he whispered gently, “It’s chill” in a heavy Mexican accent. The elevator descended very slowly towards the ground. I was taking my trip down the rabbit hole.
When the doors opened on the first floor we were half a story up. The man let my waist go and jumped to the ground outside. I had such a strong urge to forget my feminine grace and jump like a child to the floor where I could scamper away. I remained composed, waiting for him to get into a position where he could lift me from under my arms safely to the ground.
I turned to the man who came to teach me trust and said “Gracias” with a smile which said so much more.
I am a self assured womyn filled with all manners of medicine, snake, owl, lynx, antelope, bear, fox and of course rabbit. Together this strong medicine has created a graceful womyn who can feel fear, honour its truth, and not let it rule. I walked out into the streets of Mazatlan alone and thanked God for this day which would bring me a blood red moon by its end. Tonight I will step over and walk on two sides, rabbit and snake, side by side.
“What animal totems do you relate to?”
December 18, 2010
Mexico...FINALLY!
We are finally in Mexico! And it was no small feet! While waiting for our papers we did $300 damage to the camper, endured a torrential rain storm in the dessert, and Chris and I had our first real fight in months.
It was great actually. We both had so much pent up on this pressure cooker of the trip that it needed releasing. By the end we were cuddling while I cried tears which desperately needed to flow.
I have been through a lot in the last 5 months. The admission to myself that my relationship with Michael while incredible and loving was also debilitating and abusive; the pregnancy that came just weeks after the break up while I was in the midst of a painful hip injury that STILL has me grounded from performing or even dancing. Top that off with the miscarriage that lasted 49 days and then leaving my home for a 7 month journey.... and ya... I needed to let some emotions flow!
I know that conflict has to exist in a healthy growing relationship but I had become VERY shy of it. The way Michael and I dealt with it was not effective, in fact I would go so far to say it was destructive. I realized I was shying away from sharing myself with Chris because I had come to fear conflict. Well it showed up 2 nights ago when I could no longer deal with the sadness which is still seeping along with the anxiety of Ayla being in Mexico without us. She flew into Mazatlan yesterday with my mother in law, we were suppose to pick them up at the airport, but were still stuck in Tucson when they landed. My mama bear came out and so did my claws! Luckily Chris and I have almost 2 decades of experience dealing with conflict and in the end it was just what we needed.
With all the drama out of the way the Universe opened up the gates for us and Chris’s papers arrived yesterday afternoon. We set out this morning at 6 am to take full advantage of daylight hours, we are only travelling in the day for safety reasons. At the moment we are in San Carlos, Sonara.
WE are leaving tomorrow at 5am, so I am going to finish up my Chamomile tea and head to bed in the newly fixed camper, and dream of tomorrow night when I get to sleep in a BED!!
“What do you suppress?”
It was great actually. We both had so much pent up on this pressure cooker of the trip that it needed releasing. By the end we were cuddling while I cried tears which desperately needed to flow.
I have been through a lot in the last 5 months. The admission to myself that my relationship with Michael while incredible and loving was also debilitating and abusive; the pregnancy that came just weeks after the break up while I was in the midst of a painful hip injury that STILL has me grounded from performing or even dancing. Top that off with the miscarriage that lasted 49 days and then leaving my home for a 7 month journey.... and ya... I needed to let some emotions flow!
I know that conflict has to exist in a healthy growing relationship but I had become VERY shy of it. The way Michael and I dealt with it was not effective, in fact I would go so far to say it was destructive. I realized I was shying away from sharing myself with Chris because I had come to fear conflict. Well it showed up 2 nights ago when I could no longer deal with the sadness which is still seeping along with the anxiety of Ayla being in Mexico without us. She flew into Mazatlan yesterday with my mother in law, we were suppose to pick them up at the airport, but were still stuck in Tucson when they landed. My mama bear came out and so did my claws! Luckily Chris and I have almost 2 decades of experience dealing with conflict and in the end it was just what we needed.
With all the drama out of the way the Universe opened up the gates for us and Chris’s papers arrived yesterday afternoon. We set out this morning at 6 am to take full advantage of daylight hours, we are only travelling in the day for safety reasons. At the moment we are in San Carlos, Sonara.
WE are leaving tomorrow at 5am, so I am going to finish up my Chamomile tea and head to bed in the newly fixed camper, and dream of tomorrow night when I get to sleep in a BED!!
“What do you suppress?”
December 15, 2010
Next Chapter
It has been a while... Hi everyone.
I am in Patagonia, Arizona just miles from the Mexican border. My family and I are travelling down to Mexico to spend the winter following our bliss. I know that to say such a thing is VERY new agey. Lately I have had the desire to stick my tongue out at all things new agey. I am beginning to realize that positive-at-all-costs new age thinking takes its toll, the hard stuff doesn’t go away it just festers. None the less it is true, we ARE following our bliss, going to Mexico to just do what we want to do, to do some major healing and find whatever it is one finds in a place like Mexico.
Our plan was to cross the border yesterday, and we did, but we got turned around 20 kilometres in because of an issue with our truck registration. It is registered in my mother in laws name, which is fine, but Chris needs a birth certificate confirming that she is his mother. His wallet sized birth certificate does not have his mothers name on it, so we are now waiting for the Alberta government to courier us one which does.
The border town of Nogales Arizona where we crossed was a strip mall hell, we camped there last night in a Wal*Mart Super Centre parking lot. The place was crawling with eager Christmas shoppers in a frenzy to fulfill their Christmas hopes and dreams. I could not stand the thought of spending another minute in Nogales so we asked around and found out about Patagonia, Arizona. “A little hippy town near the border”... just like Nelson, perfect.
When this trip was in its incubation stage Chris wanted to drive all the way to Patagonia... Chile. Eventually he reconsidered because of how much driving was involved, settled on travelling just Central America. Soon the itinerary became 6 months of leisurely travel in Mexico to visit communities and understand Mayan culture. Who knew that Chris’ dream of driving to Patagonia would come to fruition within the first leg of the trip?! He is one hell of a manifester!
Patagonia is a funky little town which is populated with mostly retires and artists. It is also home to The Tree of Life Rejuvenation Centre, founded by Dr. Gabriel Cousens, expert in raw and living foods nutrition, and researcher on the natural healing of diabetes. We went to the Tree of Life Cafe for dinner last night. We had a delicious fully raw meal which cost Chris and I 10 dollars each while the kids ate for free... how great is that?! Afterwards we were invited to use the hot tub and infrared sauna. Later today we will go back to sing Kirtan, walk their labyrinth and possibly even swim in their pool. So our first obstacle has worked out pretty well for us.
Before we left home our neighbours gave us one of our two dashboard Genesha’s, a tiny statue of an elephant Hindu deity who removes obstacles. It came along with a note which read “Happy travels! Remember the obstacles ARE the journey”. It would seem that our journey is well under way!
“What is your greatest obstacle?”
I am in Patagonia, Arizona just miles from the Mexican border. My family and I are travelling down to Mexico to spend the winter following our bliss. I know that to say such a thing is VERY new agey. Lately I have had the desire to stick my tongue out at all things new agey. I am beginning to realize that positive-at-all-costs new age thinking takes its toll, the hard stuff doesn’t go away it just festers. None the less it is true, we ARE following our bliss, going to Mexico to just do what we want to do, to do some major healing and find whatever it is one finds in a place like Mexico.
Our plan was to cross the border yesterday, and we did, but we got turned around 20 kilometres in because of an issue with our truck registration. It is registered in my mother in laws name, which is fine, but Chris needs a birth certificate confirming that she is his mother. His wallet sized birth certificate does not have his mothers name on it, so we are now waiting for the Alberta government to courier us one which does.
The border town of Nogales Arizona where we crossed was a strip mall hell, we camped there last night in a Wal*Mart Super Centre parking lot. The place was crawling with eager Christmas shoppers in a frenzy to fulfill their Christmas hopes and dreams. I could not stand the thought of spending another minute in Nogales so we asked around and found out about Patagonia, Arizona. “A little hippy town near the border”... just like Nelson, perfect.
When this trip was in its incubation stage Chris wanted to drive all the way to Patagonia... Chile. Eventually he reconsidered because of how much driving was involved, settled on travelling just Central America. Soon the itinerary became 6 months of leisurely travel in Mexico to visit communities and understand Mayan culture. Who knew that Chris’ dream of driving to Patagonia would come to fruition within the first leg of the trip?! He is one hell of a manifester!
Patagonia is a funky little town which is populated with mostly retires and artists. It is also home to The Tree of Life Rejuvenation Centre, founded by Dr. Gabriel Cousens, expert in raw and living foods nutrition, and researcher on the natural healing of diabetes. We went to the Tree of Life Cafe for dinner last night. We had a delicious fully raw meal which cost Chris and I 10 dollars each while the kids ate for free... how great is that?! Afterwards we were invited to use the hot tub and infrared sauna. Later today we will go back to sing Kirtan, walk their labyrinth and possibly even swim in their pool. So our first obstacle has worked out pretty well for us.
Before we left home our neighbours gave us one of our two dashboard Genesha’s, a tiny statue of an elephant Hindu deity who removes obstacles. It came along with a note which read “Happy travels! Remember the obstacles ARE the journey”. It would seem that our journey is well under way!
“What is your greatest obstacle?”
December 12, 2010
Squeeze it in!
This post is kind of a cheat, but it is my blog and I make the rules!
This video was shot on December 12th, I am actually writing this entry on December 27th. I wanted to include the video because it has been one of the highlights of our trip so far.
My trip officially started on December 3rd when I flew down to LA. I stayed for a week with my soul sister Rachel and my God daughter Skylah while Chris, Lily and Rosy drove down from Nelson to pick me up. They stayed a night and then we made our way to San Diego where I met up with my friends Matthew and Mary... whose Mary you ask?
Mary Pinizzotto did project similar to mine, but instead of writing every day she danced every day. She recorded, edited and posted a dance on her blog Freebox every day for a year. Now that is commitment!
By divine organization I happened to be in San Diego (thousands of miles from my home) on the very day her project ended. Here is the dance that ended it all! Look for Matthew, Lily, Rosy, Chris and I dancing with the lovely Mary and her wonderfully supportive dance community. You are an inspiration Mary <3
“What do you do every day?”
This video was shot on December 12th, I am actually writing this entry on December 27th. I wanted to include the video because it has been one of the highlights of our trip so far.
My trip officially started on December 3rd when I flew down to LA. I stayed for a week with my soul sister Rachel and my God daughter Skylah while Chris, Lily and Rosy drove down from Nelson to pick me up. They stayed a night and then we made our way to San Diego where I met up with my friends Matthew and Mary... whose Mary you ask?
Mary Pinizzotto did project similar to mine, but instead of writing every day she danced every day. She recorded, edited and posted a dance on her blog Freebox every day for a year. Now that is commitment!
By divine organization I happened to be in San Diego (thousands of miles from my home) on the very day her project ended. Here is the dance that ended it all! Look for Matthew, Lily, Rosy, Chris and I dancing with the lovely Mary and her wonderfully supportive dance community. You are an inspiration Mary <3
“What do you do every day?”
November 4, 2010
Day 12- Please let go little one
I have not posted in over a month. I have been consumed by what is going on inside my body, which apparently wanted a baby more than I realized. The miscarriage I induced did not complete. I have been bleeding for 47 days now, waiting to pass something that is still inside me. I suspect it is my baby. I really do want another child, a son this time, but not like this. Not with this much pain. Please let go little one. Please let go body... He will come again when the time is right.
September 27, 2010
Day 11- Weeds
Praying
It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;
just pay attention,
then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.
-Mary Oliver
I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.
She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.
So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.
On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.
So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.
“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.
It doesn't have to be the blue iris,
it could be weeds in a vacant lot,
or a few small stones;
just pay attention,
then patch a few words together
and don't try to make them elaborate,
this isn't a contest ....
but the doorway into thanks,
and a silence in which another voice may speak.
-Mary Oliver
I have a friend, a gorgeous human being both inside and out, who recently said to me “I don’t really know how to go into ceremony”. I had a hard time not laughing, which would have been very inappropriate given her delicate state. This womyn knows how to go into ceremony with such beauty, focus and devotion that I kneel down in awe of her abilities as a Priestess. Not the kind of Priestess that holds gathering or facilitates groups, but an everyday Priestess who ceaselessly prays with her every action, thought and word. She KNOWS how to go into ceremony, she just don’t know that she knows.
She told me about a night when she found herself half way up a mountain DEMANDING God give her what she asked for. This is something I struggle with. I pray more in the style of “You tell me what is needed of me and I will do my very best” . I meekly ask God for things here and there but am more likely to wait to be told God’s will and see what happens. She explained to me how important it was to help God out, let him (her) know what I really want. That when the time comes when I ferociously KNOW what I need that I must actually DEMAND it! I admit to fearing wrathful spite at being so firm with God, but then remembered that I don’t believe in a wrathful God and take heed of her wise words.
So what do I want right now? I don’t know... I don’t know that to ask for. I know I want peace, but nothing more specific is percolating. Peace is in short supply these days, though turmoil is teaching me to find peace within the intensity. To find it even when there are just a tiny little pockets of it. To relish it, crawl deep inside and let it take care of me.
On the day this friend told me she didn’t know how to go into ceremony, she was dealing with the life and death cycle which plays out in the female body. She had begun to bleed at 9 weeks pregnant, she miscarried a week later. She took her baby to the river and went into ceremony to say good bye, just as I did days ago. When she told me how she and her partner honoured their child we wept together. We are sisters now in a way we could never have been without a similar grief that was shared at the same time in our lives. Our journeys were different. She is 12 years younger than I and has no children. Her pregnancy was a surprise but a welcome one, this couple was ready to share their love with a baby. I already have 3 beautiful children. My pregnancy was also a surprise and while there is deep love for this baby and between his father and I, our relationship is fraught with conflict to the point that there is no longer contact between us. I chose my miscarriage, my friend did not, regardless we are both grieving. So we took our grief and went into ceremony, we honoured our babies.
So next time you feel grief, or immense joy, or anything at all that pulls at you to be celebrated or honoured. Find some weeds and small stones, say some words, express to source what is in your heart. Know that this is prayer, this IS ceremony. No one has to show you how, there is no manual or right way to bring yourself to God... all you need is right there within you.
“How do you go into ceremony?”, because I know you do, even if you haven’t called it that before.
September 25, 2010
Day 10- Equanimity: It Happens in the Body!
I found the following on good old facebook, my friend Tori shared it. It spoke so deeply to me with its complete simplicity. A truth I have known and couldn’t find the words to express. I think Shinzen did a bang up job... how about you?
Equanimity: the Radical Permission to Feel
--by Shinzen Young (Jul 05, 2010)
Listen To Reading!
Equanimity is a fundamental skill for self-exploration and emotional intelligence. It is a deep and subtle concept frequently misunderstood and easily confused with suppression of feeling, apathy or inexpressiveness.
Equanimity comes from the Latin word aequus meaning balanced, and animus meaning spirit or internal state. As an initial step in understanding this concept, let's consider for a moment its opposite: what happens when a person loses internal balance.
In the physical world we say a person has lost balance if they fall to one side or another. In the same way a person loses internal balance if they fall into one or the other of the following contrasting reactions:
* Suppression –A state of though/feeling arises and we attempt to cope with it by stuffing it down, denying it, tightening around it, etc.
* Identification –A state of thought/feeling arises and we fixate it, hold onto it inappropriately, not letting it arise, spread and pass with its natural rhythm.
Between suppression on one side and identification on the other lies a third possibility, the balanced state of non-self-interference…equanimity.
Equanimity belies the adage that you cannot “have your cake and eat it too. ”When you apply equanimity to unpleasant sensations, they flow more readily and as a result cause less suffering. When you apply equanimity to pleasant sensations, they also flow more readily and as a result deliver deeper fulfillment. The same skill positively affects both sides of the sensation picture. Hence the following equation:
Psycho-spiritual Purification = (Pain x Equanimity) + (Pleasure x Equanimity)
Furthermore, when feelings are experienced with equanimity, they assure their proper function as motivators and directors of behaviour as opposed to driving and distorting behaviour. Thus equanimity plays a critical role in changing negative behaviours such as substance and alcohol abuse, compulsive eating, anger, violence, and so forth.
Equanimity involves non-interference with the natural flow of subjective sensation. Apathy implies indifference to the controllable outcome of objective events. Thus, although seemingly similar, equanimity and apathy are actually opposites. Equanimity frees up internal energy for responding to external situations. By definition, equanimity involves radical permission to feel and as such is the opposite of suppression. As far as external expression of feeling is concerned, internal equanimity gives one the freedom to externally express or not, depending on what is appropriate to the situation.
--Shinzen Young, from "What is Equanimity"
I believe the key to this wisdom is that the feelings are to be EXPERIENCED... truly EMBODIED.
It is a process, feelings being truly experienced IN THE BODY is the first step. Equanimity comes as the process of experiencing feelings becomes comfortable even when the feelings themselves are not comfortable.
Actually FEELING our feeling is not something many of us were taught. Luckily we can teach ourselves and each other. We have everything we need right here ♥
“How do you experience your feelings in your body?“
Equanimity: the Radical Permission to Feel
--by Shinzen Young (Jul 05, 2010)
Listen To Reading!
Equanimity is a fundamental skill for self-exploration and emotional intelligence. It is a deep and subtle concept frequently misunderstood and easily confused with suppression of feeling, apathy or inexpressiveness.
Equanimity comes from the Latin word aequus meaning balanced, and animus meaning spirit or internal state. As an initial step in understanding this concept, let's consider for a moment its opposite: what happens when a person loses internal balance.
In the physical world we say a person has lost balance if they fall to one side or another. In the same way a person loses internal balance if they fall into one or the other of the following contrasting reactions:
* Suppression –A state of though/feeling arises and we attempt to cope with it by stuffing it down, denying it, tightening around it, etc.
* Identification –A state of thought/feeling arises and we fixate it, hold onto it inappropriately, not letting it arise, spread and pass with its natural rhythm.
Between suppression on one side and identification on the other lies a third possibility, the balanced state of non-self-interference…equanimity.
Equanimity belies the adage that you cannot “have your cake and eat it too. ”When you apply equanimity to unpleasant sensations, they flow more readily and as a result cause less suffering. When you apply equanimity to pleasant sensations, they also flow more readily and as a result deliver deeper fulfillment. The same skill positively affects both sides of the sensation picture. Hence the following equation:
Psycho-spiritual Purification = (Pain x Equanimity) + (Pleasure x Equanimity)
Furthermore, when feelings are experienced with equanimity, they assure their proper function as motivators and directors of behaviour as opposed to driving and distorting behaviour. Thus equanimity plays a critical role in changing negative behaviours such as substance and alcohol abuse, compulsive eating, anger, violence, and so forth.
Equanimity involves non-interference with the natural flow of subjective sensation. Apathy implies indifference to the controllable outcome of objective events. Thus, although seemingly similar, equanimity and apathy are actually opposites. Equanimity frees up internal energy for responding to external situations. By definition, equanimity involves radical permission to feel and as such is the opposite of suppression. As far as external expression of feeling is concerned, internal equanimity gives one the freedom to externally express or not, depending on what is appropriate to the situation.
--Shinzen Young, from "What is Equanimity"
I believe the key to this wisdom is that the feelings are to be EXPERIENCED... truly EMBODIED.
It is a process, feelings being truly experienced IN THE BODY is the first step. Equanimity comes as the process of experiencing feelings becomes comfortable even when the feelings themselves are not comfortable.
Actually FEELING our feeling is not something many of us were taught. Luckily we can teach ourselves and each other. We have everything we need right here ♥
“How do you experience your feelings in your body?“
September 23, 2010
Day 9- Thank You for this Day Spirit
The Birth of Will.
There are two ways to give birth. To give birth to body and spirit together or to give birth to spirit alone.
When I discovered in early September that I was pregnant I had to make a choice between giving birth to spirit in body form, a living breathing magical human being, or giving birth to a glorious spirit in spirit form, letting my child fly back to source. I chose spirit in spirit form.
I made this choice by listening to my highest authority and asking “How do I best serve?”. This decision we as womyn make is one of the few black and white choices which actually exist for a human being, we choose to let the baby live in our womb or to surrender the spirit back to our heart. There is no grey, no middle ground, this can make the decision heart wrenching. Often there is no clean clear yes or no instead there are a million reasons all weighed against one another on an often impossible choice which can not be undone. We must somehow boil things down to a choice of staying pregnant or ending the pregnancy, there is no middle ground.
I asked my son to wait for another time, one when I was not in so much pain, where we could be supported in the way we deserved. I whispered to him as I held my hands cross my full womb,
“Come again little one if it is really important we meet in the flesh, I trust you to know when. For right now your mama needs to serve in the way she knows best, and this time I choose giving birth to your spirit alone. I love you little one, thank you for choosing me. You are holy.... holy... holy”
In the quite of the night as the moon was coming full, on the last day of summer with the aid of herbs and a powerful vow to the Divine I went through labour as I have before. The contractions felt different without a full grown baby inside my belly but similar enough to know this process and to trust my bodies wisdom. This birth was different, there was no breathing baby at the end this time. There was human flesh though, clots and membranes, evidence that my sons spirit had released, tangible proof of my pregnancy. I wrapped the flesh in a leather pouch and went to the river. I went in ceremony and gave the flesh back to the mother, where we all go eventually when our bodies no longer serve us. I said good-bye and told my son, Will, how much I loved him and whispered... holy... holy... holy ... because we are.
Too many womyn feel ashamed to tell their stories of choosing abortion. Even the word abortion sounds harsh and accusing. Too many womyn hide their truth because we still live in a culture where abortions are generally tolerate but only to be spoken of in wispers. There is still silence, and with this silence an implied shame. I chose an induced miscarriage. I feel it is not only my right but my duty as an empowered womyn who has known fertility and sexuality in so many of its forms to tell my truth. I choose to speak out and do my part to create a culture where womyn are no longer judged or merely tolerated but supported and cared for no matter what we choose to do with our wombs.
A simple “What are you thankful for?” seems appropriate. I am sure I have asked it before, and will again...
There are two ways to give birth. To give birth to body and spirit together or to give birth to spirit alone.
When I discovered in early September that I was pregnant I had to make a choice between giving birth to spirit in body form, a living breathing magical human being, or giving birth to a glorious spirit in spirit form, letting my child fly back to source. I chose spirit in spirit form.
I made this choice by listening to my highest authority and asking “How do I best serve?”. This decision we as womyn make is one of the few black and white choices which actually exist for a human being, we choose to let the baby live in our womb or to surrender the spirit back to our heart. There is no grey, no middle ground, this can make the decision heart wrenching. Often there is no clean clear yes or no instead there are a million reasons all weighed against one another on an often impossible choice which can not be undone. We must somehow boil things down to a choice of staying pregnant or ending the pregnancy, there is no middle ground.
I asked my son to wait for another time, one when I was not in so much pain, where we could be supported in the way we deserved. I whispered to him as I held my hands cross my full womb,
“Come again little one if it is really important we meet in the flesh, I trust you to know when. For right now your mama needs to serve in the way she knows best, and this time I choose giving birth to your spirit alone. I love you little one, thank you for choosing me. You are holy.... holy... holy”
In the quite of the night as the moon was coming full, on the last day of summer with the aid of herbs and a powerful vow to the Divine I went through labour as I have before. The contractions felt different without a full grown baby inside my belly but similar enough to know this process and to trust my bodies wisdom. This birth was different, there was no breathing baby at the end this time. There was human flesh though, clots and membranes, evidence that my sons spirit had released, tangible proof of my pregnancy. I wrapped the flesh in a leather pouch and went to the river. I went in ceremony and gave the flesh back to the mother, where we all go eventually when our bodies no longer serve us. I said good-bye and told my son, Will, how much I loved him and whispered... holy... holy... holy ... because we are.
Too many womyn feel ashamed to tell their stories of choosing abortion. Even the word abortion sounds harsh and accusing. Too many womyn hide their truth because we still live in a culture where abortions are generally tolerate but only to be spoken of in wispers. There is still silence, and with this silence an implied shame. I chose an induced miscarriage. I feel it is not only my right but my duty as an empowered womyn who has known fertility and sexuality in so many of its forms to tell my truth. I choose to speak out and do my part to create a culture where womyn are no longer judged or merely tolerated but supported and cared for no matter what we choose to do with our wombs.
A simple “What are you thankful for?” seems appropriate. I am sure I have asked it before, and will again...
September 21, 2010
Day 8- Ask 3 times...
Hot on the heels of Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, I find this poem. It was given to by one of my Teachers, a man who gives of his spirit endlessly.
The Healing Time
Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin,
my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say
holy
holy
holy.
Pesha Gertler
Tomorrow is Mabon or Fall Equinox, a time of balance between light and dark. As the time of high festivities comes to an end, as the summer takes her youthful place behind Autumn, we honour equanimity. After 3 months of packing in all that summer brings we stand in awe of the majesty of our abundance. Whether it comes as this festival is often know in the form of food from the ground or from some other area of the hearts planting and tending, now is the time to honour what we have created in our own lives. There are always times for “should have” and “could have”, now is not one of those. If you find yourself judging what “mistakes” may have lessened your bounty, remember lessons are learned in tricky ways sometimes, don’t be so quick to dismiss those mistakes as wrong doings. Forget all of that and instead look at your life.... and whisper
...holy
holy
holy.
This is the wisdom of Yom Kippur, ask atonement of your bones and forgiveness is given so long as you yourself grant it. It can happen in an instant. It is just that simple... no t’s to cross, no i’s to dot.
I forgave myself today. I love you Will.
“For what do you ask or give forgiveness?“
The Healing Time
Finally on my way to yes
I bump into
all the places
where I said no
to my life
all the untended wounds
the red and purple scars
those hieroglyphs of pain
carved into my skin,
my bones,
those coded messages
that send me down
the wrong street
again and again
where I find them
the old wounds
the old misdirections
and I lift them
one by one
close to my heart
and I say
holy
holy
holy.
Pesha Gertler
Tomorrow is Mabon or Fall Equinox, a time of balance between light and dark. As the time of high festivities comes to an end, as the summer takes her youthful place behind Autumn, we honour equanimity. After 3 months of packing in all that summer brings we stand in awe of the majesty of our abundance. Whether it comes as this festival is often know in the form of food from the ground or from some other area of the hearts planting and tending, now is the time to honour what we have created in our own lives. There are always times for “should have” and “could have”, now is not one of those. If you find yourself judging what “mistakes” may have lessened your bounty, remember lessons are learned in tricky ways sometimes, don’t be so quick to dismiss those mistakes as wrong doings. Forget all of that and instead look at your life.... and whisper
...holy
holy
holy.
This is the wisdom of Yom Kippur, ask atonement of your bones and forgiveness is given so long as you yourself grant it. It can happen in an instant. It is just that simple... no t’s to cross, no i’s to dot.
I forgave myself today. I love you Will.
“For what do you ask or give forgiveness?“
August 21, 2010
Day 7- An Angry Bird
A Caged bird
Longs to fly, to be free of her cage atop the fence where the bass pounds,
attacking from vicious angles.
My life is a shambles,
pure love becomes a cage, and now I am a bird.
What was I before?
Look it up ! Look it up!
... but where?
in journals?
pictures?
emails?
Where to look but into my own heart,
this little heart that pounds so fast,
so hard,
so true,
i am here... SEE me!
Please.
... please see me... please.
My devotion, my care and my Teachings...
Will you learn to listen so we can go home together and cuddle,
find peace?
ease.
Listen...look it up
you CAN understand me, we can find a way back to love...look it up!
...but where?
In your mind?
In your stories?
in your heart? Your heart so divinely connected to my own.
Connection created by a sacred practice.
Do you remember my heart?
The heart of the one who loves you,
the one you called in,
asked in written word to show up and “Call you on your shit”
.... listen to me...
.... listen to me...
...listen to me...
listen....
Do you hear that sound?
Thwack thwack thwack
my own head against a wall over and over.
How many more times can I say it until you will listen?
How many times can I say this until I will listen?
When will I stop my own painful self punishment.
How much longer will I ignore the fingers at the end of each of these delicate wings
how much longer till I slip the latch, open the lock, and set myself free?
When will the longing to fly be stronger than the longing to remain caged?
Longs to fly, to be free of her cage atop the fence where the bass pounds,
attacking from vicious angles.
My life is a shambles,
pure love becomes a cage, and now I am a bird.
What was I before?
Look it up ! Look it up!
... but where?
in journals?
pictures?
emails?
Where to look but into my own heart,
this little heart that pounds so fast,
so hard,
so true,
i am here... SEE me!
Please.
... please see me... please.
My devotion, my care and my Teachings...
Will you learn to listen so we can go home together and cuddle,
find peace?
ease.
Listen...look it up
you CAN understand me, we can find a way back to love...look it up!
...but where?
In your mind?
In your stories?
in your heart? Your heart so divinely connected to my own.
Connection created by a sacred practice.
Do you remember my heart?
The heart of the one who loves you,
the one you called in,
asked in written word to show up and “Call you on your shit”
.... listen to me...
.... listen to me...
...listen to me...
listen....
Do you hear that sound?
Thwack thwack thwack
my own head against a wall over and over.
How many more times can I say it until you will listen?
How many times can I say this until I will listen?
When will I stop my own painful self punishment.
How much longer will I ignore the fingers at the end of each of these delicate wings
how much longer till I slip the latch, open the lock, and set myself free?
When will the longing to fly be stronger than the longing to remain caged?
July 28, 2010
Day 6- For What Good?
A friend and faithful supporter of this blog asked me this on facebook:
"And where have you been? Missed u :-)"
Where I have been is trying to sort out what the hell to do with my life. I haven’t read the blog for months, I haven't thought much about it, hadn’t thought to go read it till yesterday. I didn’t find anything new which is, I suppose, because I hadn’t written and submitted anything to read ....Hmmm I wonder if there is a connection?
I am floating free. With little to hold me down I have been travelling, spending time with my precious children who definitely lost some of my focus during the project. I am enjoying the ease of not living in blog land with my partners, man did it test our relationships, things were just so out there in the open. I know I am not telling you anything you didn’t know or at least suspect. I was so deep in it though, so blind to the water in which I swam. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t take it back; I grew from doing this work, in ways I never would have imagined at the outset. In the end all my relationships are far better off. It is more that I didn’t see how the pace of my awakening to myself was effecting those around me, constantly getting used to my next lesson, my next entry, my next commitment, none of which they had much say in. My family is amazing, truly amazing.
Thank you Chris, Lily, Ayla, Rosy, Michael.... I want you to know I thought very hard about how to order your names and decided random was my best bet.
So where have I been? Nowhere and Everywhere. I have travelled but always close to home. I went to rehearsal yesterday. I am performing with the Arise Dance Troupe in the Finale for the Labyrinth at Shambala. Here in the Kootenays we throw Canada’s Largest Electronic Music Festival in the middle of a forest with a river running through it. I live in Heaven so I have been sticking close to home and enjoying myself.... and trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life...any ideas?
(Arrise Dance Troupe Performance at Shambala 2010)
I feel like asking a question, for old times sake.
“For what good?” is the question. It is a little vague, but that is why I like it. Ask yourself for “For what good?” and then just see where your mind goes, notice it because it means something, but don’t analyse it, just notice it. Then ask again “For what Good?”, and again and again..... after the 12th to 50th time things will get juicy. That is where you might want to start writing it down. I look forward to reading the answers :oD
"And where have you been? Missed u :-)"
Where I have been is trying to sort out what the hell to do with my life. I haven’t read the blog for months, I haven't thought much about it, hadn’t thought to go read it till yesterday. I didn’t find anything new which is, I suppose, because I hadn’t written and submitted anything to read ....Hmmm I wonder if there is a connection?
I am floating free. With little to hold me down I have been travelling, spending time with my precious children who definitely lost some of my focus during the project. I am enjoying the ease of not living in blog land with my partners, man did it test our relationships, things were just so out there in the open. I know I am not telling you anything you didn’t know or at least suspect. I was so deep in it though, so blind to the water in which I swam. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t take it back; I grew from doing this work, in ways I never would have imagined at the outset. In the end all my relationships are far better off. It is more that I didn’t see how the pace of my awakening to myself was effecting those around me, constantly getting used to my next lesson, my next entry, my next commitment, none of which they had much say in. My family is amazing, truly amazing.
Thank you Chris, Lily, Ayla, Rosy, Michael.... I want you to know I thought very hard about how to order your names and decided random was my best bet.
So where have I been? Nowhere and Everywhere. I have travelled but always close to home. I went to rehearsal yesterday. I am performing with the Arise Dance Troupe in the Finale for the Labyrinth at Shambala. Here in the Kootenays we throw Canada’s Largest Electronic Music Festival in the middle of a forest with a river running through it. I live in Heaven so I have been sticking close to home and enjoying myself.... and trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life...any ideas?
(Arrise Dance Troupe Performance at Shambala 2010)
I feel like asking a question, for old times sake.
“For what good?” is the question. It is a little vague, but that is why I like it. Ask yourself for “For what good?” and then just see where your mind goes, notice it because it means something, but don’t analyse it, just notice it. Then ask again “For what Good?”, and again and again..... after the 12th to 50th time things will get juicy. That is where you might want to start writing it down. I look forward to reading the answers :oD
June 18, 2010
Day I am not Sure
Wow...what a trip. I completely dropped out of computer land, I am not even doing emails. The project ended, I came out for my ,as per usual, long drawn out encore and even the "show after the show" ....then BAM!... I really got to feel what it was like to be at the end of the project.
"What I Have Learned; a check list."
-Damn did I need a break from the computer!!
-Damn was that hard! I had no idea until I was out of it for real how different I now was, that even my fingers are different from tying for so long. They are now distressed that I have stopped typing actually. I keep getting nerve pain in the hand I broke punching a wall shortly before I began this project. (long story)
-I learned that I am terrible when not engaged!! I fret so much over not being on track, or growing, or contributing (right now mostly financially which is killing me, damn do I want to make my own money!!!)
-That I want to do another blogging project and am struggling to come up with something that is lucrative, relatively stress free and growing from the success I gained of my own accord. I DID it! I built 12days2inspire.com on my own and I did really well, I want to build on this! I also know that I want the new project to mean me writing and doing art and dancing...yes dancing!!
-I learned that despite all the growth that the project and blog brought into my personal life, that I still have some old patterns which are stuck. I still struggle with how to see through the veils. I still have baggage and I still strive for perfection which I espouse to only "exist with flaws".... I learned that I am my own worst critic. obstacle, and disbeliever.
-I learned that I really do believe in myself...eventually. That believing in myself is not a finite destination but a journey where I still fuck up (the word fuck only used for literary emphasis). I learned that believing in myself means picking myself up, recommitting to myself and believing again. I believe in myself even when I don't, this is my practice, one of many.
-I learned that I have a very strong, varied and unorthodox practice that doesn't fit in a box or on a Soul Motion application form very well. I often have a difficult time explaining it, this makes it difficult to communicate. I also learned that even when I can't explain something it doesn't change that I know it, that it is my truth.
-I learned that I love my sisters, and that I love my brothers, and that ultimately what is left to learn for us here on this sweet beautiful planet is to GET ALONG!. Divine female, Divine male, regardless of sexual orientation or choices, womyn and men need to learn to get along. Sisters need to learn to get along, to not believe in scarcity of love, because we all know that what we have in common as sisters is how much we want love. And the brothers need to learn to get along so they can talk, understand each other, trust each other to trust the sisters to love each other, so we can honour our brothers. It's time.
May 19, 2010
Day 5- Why I Choose It...
This video is why I do the work I do. Why I have dedicated my life to dance even though it didn’t turn out the way I imagined it would when I was 16.
Then I wanted to be a professional dancer. Wanted the theatre life, and to dance dance dance all the time, move my body and find God there. The thing was the dance world where I existed, in front of mirrors, performing predetermined steps judging my every move, began to robe me of my confident and along with that my love for the art form. At 21 I quit when I became the mother of one beautiful light being. Years past and slowly slowly I began to dance again. My life is now back to being filled with endless rehearsals and costuming conundrums. The difference now is how I feel in my dance, how I feel about my dance. I may not be as flexible as I was, my artistic line on stage may not present quite as well as it did when my choreographers were top notch and on staff at a performance arts school, but now my spirit and confidence get to come with me up on stage. Like the little girls in this video I dance to be free, to ride a cloud, to listen to my heart, to BE the wooden floor, no separation between me and anything. No separation between me and the people I am dancing with, or the ones down the hall, out to the street, I am connected through this dance to every living being. From the floor I can step ANYWHERE!
Tomorrow night I will perform with the Arise Sacred Dance Troupe, our debut performance. It will have glitches and likely will not run 100% smooth, we have never done this before. Luckily we are not doing this to be flawless. It is our first, first of many and instead of flawless we strive to be authentic, to inspire and to awaken. Thank you to Eau Vive and Heather for pulling this whole thing together, for being amazing, for being courageous, for creating a safe container for our glorious lights shine. THANK YOU! Thank you!Thank you.
Come see us tomorrow if you are in Nelson. Support us as we open the door, step on the floor and change the world with our expression of love and hope using our bodies as our tool.
May 13, 2010
Day 4- New Moon
Tonight I set the intention to manifest and commit to:
Positive cash flow
Acceptance and celebration of my body in all my shapes and forms.
Fully embracing my monthly New Moon Ceremony.
To trusting this journey, no matter how the journey feels or looks.
We (Jill and I) went to Taghum beach, we danced on the beach, and almost lost our journals. Then we burnt our intentions in a big bonfire. It was brilliant and nourishing.
Happy New Moon all!
Positive cash flow
Acceptance and celebration of my body in all my shapes and forms.
Fully embracing my monthly New Moon Ceremony.
To trusting this journey, no matter how the journey feels or looks.
We (Jill and I) went to Taghum beach, we danced on the beach, and almost lost our journals. Then we burnt our intentions in a big bonfire. It was brilliant and nourishing.
Happy New Moon all!
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