Day 5- Why I Choose It...

This video is why I do the work I do. Why I have dedicated my life to dance even though it didn’t turn out the way I imagined it would when I was 16.

Then I wanted to be a professional dancer. Wanted the theatre life, and to dance dance dance all the time, move my body and find God there. The thing was the dance world where I existed, in front of mirrors, performing predetermined steps judging my every move, began to robe me of my confident and along with that my love for the art form. At 21 I quit when I became the mother of one beautiful light being. Years past and slowly slowly I began to dance again. My life is now back to being filled with endless rehearsals and costuming conundrums. The difference now is how I feel in my dance, how I feel about my dance. I may not be as flexible as I was, my artistic line on stage may not present quite as well as it did when my choreographers were top notch and on staff at a performance arts school, but now my spirit and confidence get to come with me up on stage. Like the little girls in this video I dance to be free, to ride a cloud, to listen to my heart, to BE the wooden floor, no separation between me and anything. No separation between me and the people I am dancing with, or the ones down the hall, out to the street, I am connected through this dance to every living being. From the floor I can step ANYWHERE!

Tomorrow night I will perform with the Arise Sacred Dance Troupe, our debut performance. It will have glitches and likely will not run 100% smooth, we have never done this before. Luckily we are not doing this to be flawless. It is our first, first of many and instead of flawless we strive to be authentic, to inspire and to awaken. Thank you to Eau Vive and Heather for pulling this whole thing together, for being amazing, for being courageous, for creating a safe container for our glorious lights shine. THANK YOU! Thank you!Thank you.



Come see us tomorrow if you are in Nelson. Support us as we open the door, step on the floor and change the world with our expression of love and hope using our bodies as our tool.

Day 9 Easy- The Work is the Same

“We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” - Carlos Castaneda

I just finished a 6 week Compassionate Communication course tonight. Michael taught the class. I learned something each and every time I went. It was not always easy. We were going through some really tough times these last 2 months. I am both proud and grateful that I stuck it out and went to all but one class, which I was in Alberta for. It couldn’t have been easy for Michael either to teach Compassionate Communication with me there in a the room, we were having such a hard time communicating then. I am proud of us both. I love us both. I am blessed to have him in my life, no matter what the future holds for us.

We had another speed bump after class. He might not be able to make an event I am putting on, I was hurt, and there was potential for it to all go sideways again...but that is not what happened. Mostly due to Michael's efforts to stay centred and grounded in love we made it through. The circumstances which presented the speed bump still exist, I don’t know what will happen there, but I do know he loves me. For now this is enough.

Thanks for everything Baby.

Oh oh and one more thing...tonight is the new moon and I was told the beginning of the lunar new year, though I am not sure in what tradition. We did a new moon ceremony to finish up Michael’s class, which was wonderful and perfect. I chose to set intentions for not only the month, like I always do on the new moon, but also for the whole year.

This new moon I set intentions for ease, abundance and adventure....and so it is!



What a year it is going to be... (BIG SMILE)

Look Mom...no journal question!! YEEHAW!

Day 4 Final Commitment- Hard to Stomach

I admit it, I read ahead a tiny bit yesterday. I started my morning with this post from July 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4-body-of-water-moonlight.html Michael and I walking in the moonlight to go swimming in a mountain lake. It was a beautiful romantic night, I remember it well.

Then on July 9th I got bold and told you all that Michael was moving to Nelson to start a family. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-6-body-of-water-family.html You know I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought I was, I was still pretty out there at this point. I can tell I was feeling confident.

I found this picture in the July10th entry. I remember this Bernice, she was happy and robust. In this entry http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-7-body-of-water-crossing-water.html I talk about my body, how I can judge it and be unkind. At this point it would have been that I was unkind to myself believing I was too big, how ironic is that? I think I look beautiful in this picture. I think I second guessed this Bernice less than I do the Bernice I am these last few days.


Here on July 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-8-body-of-water-transparency.html was the day Lily, Chris and Kelly met Michael. What a crazy crazy day that was. I wouldn’t change this day, it was perfect, but I can tell you the way Michael and Lily met was very very hard on my little Lily. I still experience guilt over it.

By July 15 http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-12-body-of-water-surprise.html Michael and I were now road tripping in the United States. Michael was originally going to drop me at the Seattle airport but instead he ended up driving me to school in California. I remember this evening very well, we stopped on the side of the road near Mt. Shasta to eat. Something changed that night, deepened. We ate corncakes kale and butter at a deserted burger joint on the I-5 and fell deeper in love. It was a magical night.

The irony is just way to thick for me to stomach, perhaps this is what is causing my stomach flu. Here on July 16 http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/latest-commitment-communication-skills.html I committed to 12 days of learning and using better communication skills. I don’t even know what to say about this, I really did work at this, during this commitment and nearly every day since. Clear communication really is one of the most important things in my life... sigh.

AND as I move on to July 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-3-communicate-3-level-check.html I see I know so much about communication, so why do I doubt myself? Why DO I doubt myself so much more now?

My heart aches to see the words written so long ago, July 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-5-communicate-more-mary.html My wisdom and insight are evident. Again I wonder where my faith in myself has gone today.

Hmmm as I read I notice something very interesting. I glossed over our arrival home. Michael and I arriving as a couple in my hometown, to live with my family...and I don’t even mention it on the blog? I must have been experiencing serious cognitive dissonance at this point. Here I was coming home, with my new partner, knowing that coming out as polyamorous was inevitable. Holy Cow. I am brave, and a little nuts.

July 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-10-communicate-big-love-crumbs.html Sigh. This post is all me. The me I love.

On July 28th I set a commitment to write creatively and share it on the blog. If I look at this decision honestly I would say I was doing it for a couple of reasons. First to give myself the room to be creative, at this point I was very deep into my relationship with Michael and its effects on my family life were HUGE, in both positive and trying ways. I needed a forced excuse to create art. Second, I was hiding. I still had not been explicit with you all about the nature of our relationship and it was really wearing on me, I found a way to hide a little longer. I did do some great writing though! http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-1-creative-words-bracketed.html This poem is as true now as it was then, over 9 months ago.

Ah yes as I read I become aware that I am travelling with Michael, Ayla and Rosy to Alberta to get Lily and visit Michael's sister. I know this because the inspiration for this poem http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4-creative-words-in-me.html on July 31st, was a bathroom in Crowsnest Pass in Alberta. I was definitely hiding from you all. Sorry about that. The poetry I was putting out was rich though...you know how long it has been since I was inspired to write something like this?!

August 2nd. Yikes. This was a challenging time. A time when I saw cracks beginning to form. By this time we had picked up Lily, and she was having a really rough go. Oh my sweet Lily Rain, I love you so much baby. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-6-creative-words-struggle.html

Or maybe I wasn’t hiding the bad times as well as I thought I was August 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-creative-words-possibilities.html My struggles were leaking. I remember this being about the time people began to reach out to me.... Thank you.

Finally! In today's last entry to be read, August 5th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-9-creative-words-hands-arms-and.html
I read some truth! I can’t believe how much I was hiding. In this entry I feel the push, I feel my need to be seen. I am not sure when “Day 40”, the post where I came out as being polyamorous happened, but I have a feeling it is coming soon. I had yet to be truthful about Michael but in this entry I am at least truthful about Chris. My loving amazing husband, God we have been through so much together. I didn’t write about him a whole lot on the blog. Our lives took separate paths this year. It is not usually this way you know... we have been best friends for years, 17 years. We needed some time apart. Don’t confuse this with being out of love. I love that man with my entire being, and I know he loves me. I am so happy to have ended on a post about him today, even if it was about us fighting. Your presence will help me find a clearer perspective today Chrissy. Thank you. I love you.

“Do you believe in yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #350

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...

It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-asking-for-help-babies.html

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. I read this entry from June 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-3-impractical.html At the time I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-9-karma-yoga-lost.html It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-karma-yoga-dance-of-gratitude.html

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-5-one-on-one-many-more-loves.html I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I am just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous, to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I am pining for another love as well, one I will see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is family what family is, struggle and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of Michael and summer road trip together. My reading tomorrow will be of a time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2-body-of-water-anger.html This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.

Day 3 Final Commitment- Bleeding, Helping and my Family Before...

It is ironic, I read in an entry from May that I was afraid writing daily would effect my writing skills. Now I am reading June and can see my writing was really improving! I couldn’t see this at the time, at the time I thought my writing had become boring and predictable. I am a fish, I can not see the water in which I swim. I love the way I wrote this one from June 9th, I love the content too. It is about Miss Ayla Bayla Boo, my wonderful first born angel. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-asking-for-help-babies.html

I can see how I was becoming more and more honest. When I first started I rarely mentioned what was going on deep in my heart, by June I was writing about it but it was very veiled. In this entry from June 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-3-impractical.html I thought I might be pregnant with Michael's child. I was trying to come to terms with what a crazy idea it was, and yet how it also seemed magical and full of possibility. I was so in awe of that magical man, my wandering Sadhu. Six days later on June 18th I found out I was not pregnant. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-9-karma-yoga-lost.html It was also the first day of my moon, just like last night. And just like last night I wrote about wanting to be cuddled.

Can you tell me why womyn's menstruation, moon time, period, whatever it is you are comfortable calling it, is so fraught with drama for both men and womyn? For me it is simple, I am vulnerable, a little sad and want to be held, cared for. My first day of bleeding (and usually the day before) I need love and care. I tear up as I write this and realize I have a deep sadness over not being honoured as a womyn. A womyn who can make babies and bleeds every moon cycle when she does not make one. If you want to show a womyn you honour her as a womyn, as the mother of the children of this planet whether she has made any for you or not, just be nice, cuddle her, bring her tea, maybe some chocolate, give her a gentle sweet massage. Let her know she is loved, let this be a day of honouring. It works out for everyone involved. The world would be a gentler kinder place if we honoured each others vulnerability.

Ok back to reading.

I am now at June 20th, summer Solstice. I participated in a ritual that has been enacted on the same mountain for 29 years. As I came out of my place in the circle to participate I called out this promise to myself.

”I promise to fully accept my sexuality as the divine gift it is and to help others do the same“

I kept my promise, I love that I did this for myself. I am so proud.

And here on June 21st. I read this one and fell back in love with myself. I say ”back“ because I don’t know that I have been doing a great job of loving myself lately. I question my Divinity constantly. Not in this post though, in this entry I saw my beauty. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-12-karma-yoga-dance-of-gratitude.html

Found the following quote from the June 24th entry.

“Where is your home? What is it like?” is the question in 12 days journal #72. This is an answer that has been shifting for me lately, as my idea of what home is shifts, thanks to my Michael, who is teaching me many new things. He has taken 2 journals from me so far, this one will be his third. I am going to save it for him. I will see him in 6 sleeps. When I do his home will be with me, for 11 days, while we and the L.O.V.E collective travel the Canadian coast dancing, playing, and exploring. What a life! “

What a crazy ride this has all been. From barely knowing him but loving him with ferocity, to living together as a family and now, as I write this entry we are living apart, barely speaking. I wonder where 12 days journal #72 is now?

LOL on June 26th I was pushing boundaries. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/06/day-5-one-on-one-many-more-loves.html I made all sorts of references to ”many loves“. I was just busting at the seams to come out as polyamorous. Wanting to tell the world that while I am travelling with my family, loving them so intensely and fully, that I was also pining for another love, one I would see again in 5 days. Oh goodness, soon I will be reading all about being reunited with Michael...why now? UGH. Friggen heart ache.

As my reading for the day (finally) wraps up, I am acutely aware that I am reading the final entries before my family changed to include another person. The trip back from California to home was filled with struggles and joy. This is what 15 years of being in a family has taught me, that family is struggles and joy. Our job is to create as much joy as possible and to handle the struggles with as much grace as we can muster.

How sadly fitting that the last entry I will read for today is called Anger. This day, July 5th, was the first day of my love filled summer road trip with Michael. My reading tomorrow will be of the time he and I spent morning, day and night together, 40 days in total. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-2-body-of-water-anger.html This entry tells of an altercation on a ferry, where an angry man attacked Michael. I couldn’t understand it then. I have a clearer understanding now.

I just got off the phone with my friend Kimberly. I thought I was ok till she called. Then the tears started. This final commitment is really hard, espcially right now. I trust it though. I know this is all ending perfectly.

”Do you find it difficult to trust?“ is the question in 12 days journal #349

“So freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mear trade, a thing to be bought in the market;
it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”
J. Krishnamurti

I love you.

Day 2 Final Commitment- Strangers, Help and Community

I am so tired and fragile today. I am home alone and I LONG to be cuddled. I got my moon this morning so it is no wonder I feel this way. I know I will feel less vulnerable tomorrow. I just have to hole up here in my bedroom, make myself tea, have a bath and sleep. My kitty cats will cuddle me this evening as I hang out in my “red tent”.



And because I am so tired I am going to keep today's entry short.

This is a quote from one of May’s entries, it helped me to see two things about myself. Number 1, fear has been an issue for me for a long time. Two, I love that I was so “out” about my relationship with God in those first months, I love that I never hid this. I can tell from my reading that I was beginning to get more comfortable with blogging at this point.

”I love my fear and know it is there to protect me, but I quiet it down so I can only hear my heart voice. This voice, that I often find when I am dancing, NEVER leads me astray. This voice tells me the things I am meant to do with this life. Leading movement is one of those things. Raising my babies with love, boundaries and a commitment to communication is one of those things. Loving with a wide open heart is one of those things. Writing this blog, committing to this experiment, sending out journals into the world is one of those things. I don’t know what all of that makes me, but that is OK. God knows, and that is good enough for me.”

The other thing I noticed was just how friggen wordy I was! LOL LONG POSTS! Holy cow. I hope for my own sake I stopped writing so much so that it doesn’t take me hours every day just to get through the reading part!

***EDIT- I posted something and decided a couple of hours later that I didn’t actually want to be that honest, or actually it is not about honesty, it is about wanting to keep it for myself. Thanks Deborah for the perfect advise.***


*** EDIT- I am adding the removed text back into entry at 10:30 the next morning, after a nights sleep and a new morning complete with birds singing, I know I put this in my entry for a reason. I trust.


One last reflection. I am reading the months from the 6th to the 5th so that I will end up exactly on April 5th when the project is done. So for instance today I read May 6th to June 5th. Want to know what day I met Michael? June 5th. I have just entered Michael land full force. From now on I will get to read all about my excitement and passion for this man, veiled as it was from all of you in the beginning. I have to tell you it was all a bit much to take today. Reading about the 2 weeks which led up to our meeting, seeing our picture so happy and in love, add all this to today being my first moon day, and I had myself an UGH afternoon. I am sure at some point reading about our love story will bring me joy, I KNOW this for certain. Today though I scroll quickly past our picture on the blog, not wanting to see, wondering how we went from there to here in 10 months. Despite a deep deep love for one another we just can’t seem to get along. I wish I knew what to do.


“Is there a period of you life which is hard to think about?“ is the question in 12 days journal #348

Day 6 Lovin Nelson- Birth Day

I met Michael 9 months ago today. Meeting him changed my life in ways I could never even have dreamt of. We have had a wild amazing ride, I am grateful for every second.

If we would have made a baby that first time we were together, and we did wonder for a whole two weeks if we did, that baby would have been born right around now. We did make a baby, a non-human baby, we named it Bam. Last night we blew out a candle for Bam, as though it was a birth day. It was a beautiful ceremony.

Thank you baby.



“What do you need to feel met by your partner/s?” is the question in 12 days journal #328

Day 1 Decision Time- Here a Blog, There a Blog...

I’m back!

Having Michael write my blog was so great for many reasons. I got a break number one...PHEW! Then there was watching him day after day pouring over his words, changing little fragments, being so careful. Seeing how commitment he was to doing it. You may have noticed he was much more timely with his entries than I have been lately! Then there was the content, what a beautiful man! What an honest man... day 2 was a little hard for me at first, he was just so honest, talking about getting me healthy again and having a baby...wow. There was also the part where he got to learn the in’s and out’s of blogging. I got to experience first hand the creation process as well as guiding him through the techie side of things, theses words you read on the screen, are but one part of blogging.

While Michael was writing I took the opportunity to take my computer into our local Mac store, Digerati. I met Ben there, or perhaps I could call him the “Mac Daddy”. He was fun and helpful, cleaned up my filthy machine (really, it was just gross!) and did some internal work as well, got my machine up from turtle speed to possum... I really need a new computer but right now it is not going to happen so he patched me up and sent me on my way for next to nothing.

When I was leaving he asked if I would be interested in teaching a workshop on blogging. I had never considered this idea until now. Hell ya I will teach a workshop! I have learned a lot about blogging by simply doing it every day for nearly a year, how to flog (an English term which means to sell) the blog, how to create something that brings people to the site, how to track progress of certain entries and events. I never quite followed all of what I learned about blogging, as you can see I STILL write really long posts which is a blogging non-no but then this is a lesson in and of its self. Nothing is set in stone, there are always going to be guidelines and there are always going to be the ones you don’t follow and sometimes this creates a whole new guideline.

Blogs are an amazing tool. They are grass roots news. They are a way in which a person like me, a 36 year old womyn from Canada, can have my story broadcast and read. I never imagined my following would get so big...I fantasized about it before I really knew what I was asking for, I didn’t really imagine this would happen, seems I forgot what a fantastic manifester I am! It is still amazing to me that so many want to know what I have to say, that you are reading this right now. Blogging...wow. I WILL teach a workshop on it soon, and don’t you worry, when I do you will know it because being a full time blogger has certainly taught me how to use facebook to its full advantage to flog just about anything! Ah...the internet...imagine the world without it.

Speaking of blogs...one of the reasons Michael did my blog was a test run for blogging. If you enjoyed reading his work, click here and go check his blog out.

And thank you Baby, for the break, for what you wrote, for being in my life, for being you.

(Michael writing in Oso, I believe this was Day 11 of Michael Land)

“What do you teach?” is the question in 12 days journal #299

Day 12 Michael Land- So Long and Thanks for the Fish

**Written and submitted by Michael**

Well, this is it. It’s been fun. Twelve days of having a little taste of what it’s like for Bernice to put herself out there everyday, scanning each day for a nugget to spark something meaningful, hopefully, to share. I’ve got to hand it to her, it’s a lot of work to stay on top of the daily public purge or praise.

I’m glad I have had the experience of witnessing her, and taking my own turn. It’s helps to inform my choices about how I carry out my own blog. Yes, it’s true. I started a blog. Go figure! Since I’ve moved to a new community I’ve noticed a big change in my social networking. After living in Victoria for 8 years I had a big, beautiful community and family there that kept me in a steady flow of music, dancing, potlucks, cuddling, creating, and connecting. A strong conscious dance community that we build up over years of putting on events together. And a number of great organizations that I worked or volunteered with.

It’s true that my life is a little more domestic now, but I haven’t found so many of those places in my new town yet. So I’m excited to use this phenomenon we call blogging to call in the pieces of the puzzle I am working on. Only, I won’t be making a writing everyday commitment. I think I’ll keep it a bit more casual. I’ve enjoyed the exercise, though.

I’ve especially enjoyed reading comments from people, some who have been friends from back in Victoria, some people I haven’t met yet.

So I’m coming out! If you know me to be all but invisible on the internet, watch out! New times are coming. I’ve going techie. LOL! KWIM! ; o )
(OK, I had to ask for help with that!)


(This is me blowing you a kiss good-bye!)

Before I go, I just want to say one thing.

Ever since I’ve known Bernice, I’ve watched her strip herself naked for you to witness. It hasn’t been easy for her, I know that, her courageous truth-telling. Imagine if you were doing the same thing. Image your light and your shadow exposed to the public eye. Some people speak about what they think, whether to offer gratitude or praise, criticize or catagorize. Others don’t speak out, but actions and inactions sometimes do the talking. What she is doing takes a lot of courage. Remember that. Remember it when she strips herself naked, vulnerable and raw. Remember she is a strong, powerful woman, with a sensitive heart, and ask yourself, how am I celebrating truth?

“Who do you admire?’ is the question for 12 days journal #298.

Day 10 Michael Land- Circles

**Written and submitted by Michael**

Planets
Do it
With stars

It’s happening all around
Us, inside of
Us, at the centre
 
Our home is built this way
The one we all share
Water and dirt
Stuck to fire
 
Birds build
This way too
Our own egg of conception
Follows its form
 
And we, much more intricate now
Sense the primal call
To come back
To circle
 
Where we see each
Other, within the sacred
Container
 
Gather round
The fire, spirit
Burns like a sun
And we, together here
One
 
In it’s warmth
Hearts open, ears
And eyes, witness of
What is, how we live
So that we may be, as always
Surrounded
By god
 

 
Tonight I’m going to my men’s circle. Sitting in circle is a practice that I believe is as old as consciousness. It is how we come together as tribe in a way where each person can be seen. I believe circle is an integral part of community. Whether it’s to hear what is in each other’s hearts, or to raise our voices together in song, the circle is the container that helps us find harmony and connection, when each voice is heard, and each heart cared for.

“How do you come together in circle with others?” is the question for 12 days journal #296

Day 9 Michael Land- Love

**Written and submitted by Michael**

I'm a fan of the subject of love. I want to share some exerpts from a book I'm reading called, Perfect Love: Imperfect Relationships, by John Welwood.

"The pure essence of love is like the sun in a cloudless sky... It is what comes through us naturally when we fully open up--to another person, to ourselves, or to life...

When we experience this kind of openness and warmth coming from another, it provides essential nourishment: It helps us experience our own warmth and openness, allowing us to recognize the beauty and goodness at the core of our nature. The light of unconditional love awakens the dormant seed potentials of the soul, helping them ripen, blossom, and bear fruit, allowing us to bring forth the unique gifts that are ours to offer in this life. Receiving pure love, caring, and recognition from another confers a great blessing: It affirms us in being who we are, allowing us to say yes to ourselves...

When the value and beauty of our existence is recognized, this allows us to relax, let down, and settle into ourselves. In relaxing we open. And this opening makes us transparent to the life flowing through us, like a fresh breeze that enters a room as soon as the windows are raised. This brings a sense of well-being, as well as genuine power... You experience the essential dignity and nobility of your existence, which does not depend on anyone else's approval or validation. In this deep sense of union with life, you realize you are not wounded, have never been wounded, cannot be wounded...



Yet even though the human heart is a channel through which great love streams into this world, this heart channel is usually clogged with debris--fearful, defensive patterns that have developed out of not knowing we are truly loved. As a result, love's natural openness, which we can taste in brief, blissful moments of pure connection with another person, rarely, permeates our relationships completely. Indeed, the more two people open to each other, the more this wide-openness also brings to the surface all the obstacles to it: their deepest, darkest wounds, their desperation and mistrust, and their rawest emotional triggers.

There is a good reason this happens: Before we can become a clear channel through which love can freely flow, the ways we are wounded must come to the surface and be exposed. Love as a healing power can operate only on what presents itself to be healed. As long as our wounding remains hidden, it can only fester...

Our beauty and our beast both arise from one and the same tenderness. When we harden against it, the beast is born. Yet when we allow the tenderness, we begin to discern the contours of a long-lost beauty hidden with the belly off the beast. If we can shine warmth and openness into the dark, tender place where we don't know we're lovable, this starts to forge a marriage between our beauty and our wounded beast.

This is, after all, the love we most long for--this embracing of our humanness, which lets us appreciate ourselves as the beautiful, luminous beings we are, housed in a vulnerable, flickering form whose endless calling is to move from chrysalis to butterfly, from seed to new birth. As earthly creatures continually subject to relative disappointment, pain, and loss, we cannot avoid feeling vulnerable. Yes as an open channel through which great love enters this world, the human heart remains invincible. Being wholly and genuinely human means standing firmly planted in both dimensions, celebrating that we are both vulnerable and indestructible at the same time."

Thanks Lilli.

“When do you feel indestructible?” is the question for 12 days journal #295

Day 8 Michael Land- Deer Meat Tacos

**Written and Submitted by Michael**
 
Well, to be accurate, I would have to say deer meat taco salad. We couldn’t find any non-GMO taco shells so we switched to torilla chips. Still the same juicy deer meat though!
 
It’s become a staple up here in the Raabis Whole. Ever since deer season we’ve been eating wild venison from the mountain behind our house. Chris brought down a buck and a doe with his cross bow this season. He dragged the buck out himself. The doe he carried out with Kelly, jungle style, hooves tied over a long pole, slung over a shoulder each. It took them an hour.
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He took them to a butcher and they turned them both into roasts, stewing cuts, ground, and jerky. The jerky disappeared pretty quick. When we have a roast, Lily and Rosy get very excited about the tender loin. And we’ve had some nice stews with big chunks of potatoes. I feel blessed to eat wild meat from our back yard. Up here the deer drink from streams that are among the cleanest in the world. Their dinner is five star buffet. They are eating fruit of trees, barks, lichens, mushrooms, berries, fresh green shoots. We’re talking healthy deer.
 
And, it’s hard to get dinner from any closer to home. This is part of the one mile diet. Actually, you sit there and wait for dinner to come to you. Chris spent a lot of long, early morning hours out there in a blind, covered in camouflage, and deer pee spray, waiting for his chance to get a clean hit.
 
Deer meat taco salad is a hit! Thanks Raabis!
 
Next, it’s bear season!

“Where does your food come from?” is the question for 12 days journal #294

Day 7 Michael Land- Celebrating Bernice!

**Written by Michael**

Today, I'm going to tell you about Bernice. I imagine a lot of people reading this already know Bernice, in their way. This is a bit about how I know Bernice. I don't expect any of it will be surprising. Though you may not know her the same way I do.
 
The first time I saw Bernice, I saw a goddess on a dance floor. She radiated confidence and strength. If you have shared a dance floor with Bernice you know this part of her. You can see how much she loves to dance by watching her. She doesn’t just move her body, she moves her heart with her, in a quiet, still moment, or a spin, or a gesture. I’ve watched her love people in so many ways by being a witness and a muse for yearning souls.
 
Her tenderness and care comes naturally, cultivated through motherhood three times over, over nine years of breastfeeding, cloth diapers, home schooling, home birthing. Her compassion for others is woven into her fabric of being. At 36 she has the wisdom and experience of a 14 year mother.
 
Her devotion to her family is limitless. She is roused from exhaustion to tend to sick children. She supports her husband in finding his truth and following his dreams. Together they have provided an upbringing for their kids remarkably low in media, junk food, and punishment. They treat them like people, worthy and equal.

​
(This picture was taken just after I met Bernice last summer)
 
Her commitment to others is matched by her commitment to herself. She honours her passions and nourishes her own soul, while collecting gifts to share with others. She followed her heart to kirtan on Cortes Island, found a dancer that pointed her to California, met a tribe that brought sensuality into sacred, divine to dance floor. Then she found a school that asked her to peel herself open, then put herself back together to learn the technique.
 
She is a lover and a queen. She acts with integrity to her values and holds herself worthy of honour and respect. She is not afraid of her power. She knows what she wants. She has the courage to get it.
 
She is committed to truth and honesty. Her bravery is astounding in her willingness to be seen in both pride and humility. Every day for a year she shares the raw details of her life to the world. Withstanding criticism, judgement, and rejection, she continues to expose her fragile growth, her shadow, her glory, and her beauty.
 
She is a priestess and a yogini. She conjures magic and makes contact with divine. Her intuition is sensitive like the antennae of a moth. She prays to the goddess. She prays to god. They answer her.
 
She gives and gives; she loves and loves. She is committed, caring, compassionate, tender, and strong. She is a talented artist of many kinds. She is intelligent, funny, strong-willed, serious, and playful. She talks to rivers. She gets pulled by the moon. She likes her cappuccinos dry, and her kisses wet. She’s got spunk and charisma, charm and wit. She is changing, right before our eyes. And like a caterpillar, she has become imaginal cells. Pure potential. Rebirthing.
 
She is the woman I love, who I devote myself to, who I worship. I trust her. I believe in her. The world is lucky to have her. We are lucky to have her. I am lucky to have her, in my life, in my family, in love.
 
Today, I want to celebrate Bernice, because Bernice deserves to be celebrated. Thank you beautiful womyn, for being all that you are, for being in my life, for bringing so much to my life. Thank you.

“What do you love about someone you love?“ is the question in 12 days journal #293

Day 6 Michael Land- Two Line Poems

For four Fridays out of the winter, the Waldorf school takes advantage of the incredible mountain just down the road and all the kids from grade three up get to ski and snowboard in the deep, dry Kootenay snow.
 
Since Chris and Bernice are still both recovering from the virus of perpetual coughing, I went as the parent chaperone and drove Ayla and her friend Amelia up to Whitewater.
 
My dear friend Lars hooked me up with some great tele gear and we met after the kids got sorted. He showed me his back country playground, and we wrote poems to god two lines long all the way down the mountain. Up here, among the peaks and clouds, is one of the most sacred places in my heart. It seems the earth kisses the sky so deeply here. Everything is so raw, so real, so tremendous.
 
While we broke for lunch Lily, Bernice and Chris’s middle daughter, and her friend Sage asked me if I would go up the chair with them. It was Lily’s first day on a snowboard, she was done with the bunny hill, and needed a chaperone to ride the big runs. It felt good that they asked me.
 
We stuck to the green run, and the first time down was made in short little spurts of a few metres at a time. The second time down she was starting to turn. The third time down we cruised, lots of turns, and fearless.
 
I left them to ride the summit chair, and they did another couple runs on their own, while I wrote a few more couplets through the trees. Then I chaperoned some girls back to Nelson.
 
Later, Amelia’s mom called for Chris. She left a message saying, when ‘your friend’ drove Amelia home she left her money in the car. She wanted to know how to get in touch with me, or if he could. It was on the home phone and I was the one who listened to the message. Amelia’s been over before so she knows I live there. I guess a lot of people still don’t understand our family situation, which is fine, it’s new for all of us.
 
Up until I met Bernice, I haven’t even had a partner with kids. Now I live with three of them and both their parents. It’s kind of like instant soup, add water and stir. Instant family, say yes and show up. Today was one of the really fun ways to show up. Add deep, dry snow, strap boards to feet, carve lines into mountain.

 ​
(Here’s a beautiful two line poem)

“How is your family different?“ is the question in 12 days journal #292

Day 4 Michael Land- Unappreciated

***Written by Michael***

Right now, I'm feeling pretty shitty. I had a long list of things I wanted to do today. But things didn't go that way. I spend the morning at home with Bernice. Then I drove her to her first appointment with her aesthetician friend, Kim. Then I went to go pick up her bag she left at a friends’ place last night. Then I went to the skating rink to pick up Rosy. Then we went to pick up Bernice from her first appointment, got Lily, and drove Bernice to a meeting with another friend. Then I went to pick up Lily’s friend for a play-date and drove them downtown. Rosy and I tried to find a play-date with one of her friends, with no luck, so we went together to Sidewinders where we could get her something to eat, and I could get online to write a blog since I was already behind a day.
 
I was just finishing yesterday’s entry when Bernice walked in. We kissed. I went to my facebook page and noticed that some of my friends had commented on the post I had put there about the blog. I turned to her and said, ‘I think you might get some new readers from me writing your blog.’ She said back to me, ‘Yeah, imagine if you had flogged my blog earlier, imagine how many other readers I could have.’
 
It’s amazing how fast the energy can turn cold and distant so quickly. For two people who love each other so much, we can really obscure that love in a hurry. I told her I was upset because I’ve been working hard to help her out, and it seemed like I was being dumped on instead of appreciated. She told me she was upset that I haven’t promoted her blog on facebook and been more supportive that way.
 
Sidewinders was closing, and we were the last ones in there. We packed up and left, both clearly bitter. We walked to the car in silence. Then I handed her the keys. I said, ‘I’m not going to go home with you.’ She said, ‘Come on Rosy, let’s go.’



Now I’m sitting in another café, which is about to close, pissed off mostly at how volatile our relationship can be; how easily we are both hurt; how much resentment we hold onto from the past. And I’m writing about it. Doing my best to own my part in it. It would have been easy for me to say to Bernice, ‘Oh, I didn’t realize you wanted me to promote your blog on my facebook.’ Or, ‘Sorry your not feeling supported by me. I see how important to you it is. I bet you’d love it if I was more helpful in celebrating your work.’
 
Instead I let my hurt feelings stand in the way of the deep down heart-knowing that I want to be in connection with this woman, not in conflict. Agh!
 
So, what do I do? I’m getting kicked out of another café now. Maybe it’s a sign. Hit send. Go home. Find love.
 
“How do you find your way back to love?“ is the question in 12 day journal #290

Day 2 Michael Land- Life and Death: Part II

***Written by Michael***

I imagine there are people who have read this blog wondering who I am, what my story is, and why I am where I am. So I’m going to breathe some life into a story that Bernice has already told you, with a few of my own details.

Bernice and I met in June of last year. I had spent the winter in a three month intensive with a community I started using a guiding vision of empathy-based co-creativity. We worked for three months on empathy training, personal and community development, and authentic, improvisation performance using music, theatre, and dance. Coming so close to realizing the kind of community I dream of being a part of, I realized how important a committed, long-term nucleus of tribe was to support a growing desire within me.

To help with my search I wrote a list, a very detailed list, describing the woman I wanted to find. A month later, mid-way through our summer tour, we put on a show in Nelson. Bernice was there with a friend. I fell in love with her right away. On the dance floor, during our show, our connections were slight, but not unnoticed. Afterwards, the chemistry of our beings began to mingle. At the Velvet Underground, after the show, we found a couch in the back room with a heart shaped pillow and unravelled a magical story together.

We discovered in each other another who shares hopes and dreams for a life of community, art, growth, celebration, devotion, and joy. After only six hour of knowing me she said, ‘On the new moon, I went to the river and prayed. I asked for a man to come into my life; someone who shares my passion for dance, who is on a compassionate path, with a similar communication style, and who is nice to me. And I think you might be him.’

My jaw dropped. I knew I needed to speak, to respond to her openness, to let her know how happy I was to hear what she had said. But I was made speechless by this incredible goddess. Finally, I said, ‘A month ago, I wrote a long list describing the woman I am calling into my life; someone to facilitate with, someone to play with, someone on a compassionate path, a woman in her power, the list goes on, and I think you are everything on that list, all I need to do is to convince you to have a baby with me.’

Now I was out there. Waiting for her response.

She smiled. She told me about a feeling she had. That she might have another baby, if she met a man she wanted to be with who wanted a child. She knew she wasn’t going to have any babies after 37. I asked her how old she was. She told me she was 35.

Something magical was happening. We both knew it. The magnificence of our meeting was undeniable. People around us saw it. We felt it. An eerie feeling of knowing and belonging permeated our encounter.

‘This rarely happens,’ she said, ‘but tonight my house is empty. Would you like to stay over?’ We made love that night for the first time.



After only two and a half days together, Bernice and I then spent almost a month apart. I saw her next when I came to Nelson to watch her in the fashion show at the beginning of July, and then steal her to the coast to join us in our last two shows in Victoria and Cortes Island. We spent 39 days straight together after that. I became convinced that Bernice was going to be the mother of my baby. And although there is no baby, yet, we have been flirting with the possibility ever since. If I had met myself, I would have told myself I was crazy. It’s too soon to know. You need more time. How can you be sure? But this was a knowing I can’t explain. One that wasn’t meant to make sense. Now I live with Bernice, her husband Chris and their three girls, Ayla, Lily and Rosy, in our small house on the mountain above Nelson.

So for those who wonder, ‘What’s a single, travelling, anarcho-buddhist, minimalist, conscious dance culture catalyst and general renegade of the ordinary doing living the domestic life with a family of five?’ The answer, ‘Because I have found the woman I want to make a life and a baby with.’ It’s not all easy. I’m sure you know that. But we’re learning to make it easier. Remembering we love each other. Remembering to trust each other. And we are focusing on getting Bernice healthy. Because one day soon, we are going to make a baby.

Today’s post is about life, sharing life, living life, making life. And adding a little new life, to an old story.

“Have you ever made a decision with your heart that didn’t make sense to your mind?” is the question in 12 days journal #288

Day 1 Michael Land- Life and Death

***Written by Michael***

It is auspicious that today, the first day I am writing Bernice's blog entry, what is most alive for me, is death.

Today, after rehearsal, Bernice and a friend went to Dominion Cafe, and I went to Oso. As I was climbing the stairs I heard my name called from up the road. It was Dorthy, Bernice's mom.  Before I was halfway to meet her I could see her crying. She held out her arms and told me, 'I need someone to hold me. My Uncle Len died.'

Uncle Len was like a second father to Dorothy. When she was two his mother died and he moved in with Dorothy's family. In Oso, I watched tears stream down her face while she was telling me about the doll house she got for her birthday, each tiny roofing shake hand painted by her father and Uncle Len.

He died Wednesday night in England. They didn't find her number til Sunday morning. Len and his wife had been moved to a home by social services on Christmas day, fearing they were unable to take care of themselves. Len died a month later, in his sleep. Dorthy's phone number, and many of their things still in their apartment.



But even before the phone call, Dorothy felt him, Thursday in Gyro park. On a park bench, Alanah, her son's dog, pressed herself against Dorthy while she cried for two hours, thinking about her uncle. If she doesn't make the funeral, she knows she had her good-bye.

I don't know what happens when we die. -- I leave all possibilities open, and the impossible. -- But I know what it's like to be alive, and to feel the pain of loss. I sat with Dorothy to hold her when she needed holding, and hear her while she felt the pain of losing someone she loved. I believe this is how we make it through the most difficult times, by holding each other, and being witnessed, witnessing ourselves in the depth of our pain, where love lives, vulnerable, and open. 

There is some kiss we want.
There is some kiss we want.
There is some kiss we want,
With our whole lives.
(Rumi's words)

I trust that to kiss raw experience, the depth of joy, and the depth of pain, sweetness comes, ideas melt, the bitter tea of loss is soothed with the honey of acceptance, and the beauty of life is celebrated. I saw honey in the tears in Dorothy's eyes. And as they splashed to the table I heard them say, ‘We love you Uncle Len.’

As we left Oso, kindly unmolested by the closing staff cleaning around us, Bernice appeared with our friend, having come from a comisseration of anther kind of pain. Now I am looking for honey. I know I'm involved in this one. But I'll save that for tomorrow. Today is about death. Tomorrow, life...

“How do you say good-bye when you have lost a love one?“ is the question in 12 days journal #287

Latest Commitment! Alternative Perspective

This is a multi purpose commitment, one I am very excited about.

The other day when I was sick, worrying that I could not continue, complete the final leg of this project, I came up with a back up plan, asking Michael to take it over. By morning I had regained perspective and knew I could continue, that I had the ability to modulate this experience to meet my needs...but the idea of Michael writing my blog intrigued me.

Every day he has the benefit of reading about what is going on for me...he also has the special torture of every day reading about what is going on for me. These entries go out into the world, sometimes even before he and I have dealt with things....I imagine this can be difficult at times. Well now I don’t HAVE to imagine anymore, I get to experience it!


(Taken this Summer by Michael’s Sister, Poppy)

I commit, for the next 12 days, to allow Michael to write my blog entries. I commit to using this time to both get a break, do some much needed doodling and to catch up on making journals which despite my commitment to truth telling I am not going to say how far behind I am, it is embarrassing! I am also going to experience what it is like to have details from my own life exposed, perhaps in a way that I don’t agree with or like. On the flip side, I know Michael loves me deeply, I trust him and know that his intention is to grow deeper and deeper into our life together, into our families life together.

I am both excited and frightened...kinda that same feeling I get when I have just commitment to riding a roller coaster. The safety bar has now locked in place, I can feel the cars beginning to move, the only thing to do now is hold on.

Day 10 Meditation- This Little Heart of Mine

Everyone is still home, everyone is still sick. My illness has remained low level,I have been able to go out every day, run errands, go for coffee. Michael is not sick, we have been taking care of things together, wrapping up the studio business, and keeping the house stocked with food. The grocery store has become one of our regular dates. Having just come through the holiday season right into all this sickness has made alone time hard to come by. We all live together in this small house and for over a month almost everyone has been home. This has been nice in one sense, has given our family time to bond, hang out together. The flip side is that adult time and one on one time with anyone in the household has become scarce. This is what we now go to the grocery store for, me my Michael Sheely, alone time. It is all very domestic!

Michael said today, as he pushed the shopping cart through Save-on-Foods, that he has made a lot of quick changes in his time, that he is used to making drastic shifts in his lifestyle, navigating the changes, which I imagine he does with much grace. This change though, he says, has been the most drastic. He went from living with a group of adults, in an intentional community consciously designed to support its members through their awakening to themselves, to joining a family of 5 who, while also awakening and supportive, are much more chaotic and reminiscent of his own childhood. Wow... can you imagine? He is taking a crash course in family and parenting. Like parents we learn to fulfill the needs we have for intimacy and one on one by being creative. Here enters the grocery store in this story. We are surrounded by people, but usually it is easy for us to have an extended conversation. I kiss him a lot and he finds opportunities to grab my butt. We talk about what to get and this leads to conversations about the kids and Chris and we process right along side the bologna, which we do not purchase.

I love wild and crazy Shambala Michael, the one who will stay up all night and try just about anything. His experience seeking Sadhu nature is what drew me to him, what captivated me and helped me to emerge from my cocoon. I am watching his emergence as well. Alongside the creative, performing, change-the-world one-heart-at-a-time Michael that I met on June 6th, is the father that he is becoming. I remember siting by the ocean on Cortes Island, filled with pride as he expressed himself so eloquently. He said “I am moving to Nelson to start a family“. And this is exactly what he did. His method was certainly unorthodox, he is Michael Sheely after all. He is becoming more and more a parent to my children, and more and more a brother with Chris.

As for he and I, we are doing great. Challenging so many status quo’s, creating such drastic change in both of our lives produced a bit of a bumpy beginning... we have fought a lot in the last 7 1/2 months. And every time we do, once we se through our stories and hurt feelings we find the strength to recommit to our vision, and belief in what we are creating together with our family. We remind ourselves that we love each other and that really this is all that matters. That the other stuff can be worked on, we can support each other more, understand each other more, see and hear each other more, if we commit to the love. We are finding more and more ease .
Some of you who know and love us have seen our struggles, I am sure some of you even wondered if it was worth it, sometimes the pain was so deep and overwhelming. Thank you for loving us, carrying us when we were too confused to see clearly our path. More than anything thank you for believing in us. Your love and support has made such a difference.

I want to acknowledge one person in particular, Chris. You have seen us through so many rough times, have had to assure and soothe our children at times that this choice their parents made to break out of the monogamy model and break open the world of love, was not crazy! Especially in times when it most definitely seemed completely nuts! You stood strong and supported our family vision, believed in us even when we struggled to believe in ourselves. Thank you Chrissy, from the bottom of my heart for how strong, patient and loving you have been with Michael, with our children, and with me, your wife. I love you Christopher James Raabis. Thank you for allowing me the breathing space to love many (polyamory literally means ”many loves“). You have always known how important loving people is to me, you have always seen and acknowledged my glory, even in the times when I forget.


(The Boss singing This Little Light of Mine”, SO GOOD!!”)

”Was there a time when you helped friends/a friend through a rough period in their lives?“ is the question in 12 days journal #284

Day 11 San Coffee- Probing

Today was penetrated by the deep, probing curiosity of bliss.
reaching far inside, opening, letting go
of fear
of being
of going
and coming
patience dancing like the tip of a finger on the pleasure button of possibility.

Apparently not everyone is experiencing writers block. I found this on my computer, right here in my Mac Journal program, in the slot for today's entry. Seems the perfect entry for today. Michael is the author. My sexy poet man.

“What do you look for in a partner?” is the question in 12 days journal #177