Balm for my Own Sweet Self

I received an email from a male friend today, asking for relationship advice. If you are reading my friend you can exhale now, I will not share any of your story... I promise.



Having just ended a deeply loving and troublesome relationship of my own the nature of the email made my heart swell. It was the kind of email that I could imagine being sent by my past lover to a wise womyn friend, one seeking another perspective and speaking his hearts newly discovered truth. I got a little caught up in my own story, and sadness. The rejected teenager in me whined, “Why can’t my love see this?!”. Once I got over myself I realized I had been given a gift.

One of the hardest parts of this break up was how I often did not feel heard or understood. I could not find a way to convey that I could no longer accept how he was loving me and still love myself. I tried to salvage thing, we both tried, but despite our fairy tale worthy love connection it ended. We are both deeply wounded by our loss.

Now I had an opportunity to write back this friend who was saying the words I longed to hear and respond from a womyn's perspective, from my perspective, my heart felt great release. Our situations are different in many ways but the nature of human relationship is remarkably similar no matter the details. We all really want the same things, love, support, understanding, kindness, tenderness, these are fairly universal. So I took the details out and spoke from my heart. I responded to a friend, while putting balm on my own sweet self.

I know this blog is now viewed by a different audience. I saw online that it has been picked up as a travel blog in a couple of places. This entry might be really confusing as 1) it is not about geographical travel and 2) you may be thinking “Doesn’t she have a husband who she is travelling with? Did they just break up or did she just announce to the world that she had an affair?!. The answers are not exactly and no not really.

Travel happens... period. We move forward in time and space always. So while this entry does not include anything specific about Mexico it was inspired by Mexico. And my trip to Mexico is part of moving on. There is some classic advice in the Love section Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Eat Pray Love about taking a trip to get over a lost love, I took it to heart.

To answer the second part, yes I have a husband, yes I am travelling with him and my children. No I did not have an affair. ”Affair“ insinuates that the relationship was hidden. It was not.

Chris and I have been in an open relationship for over 10 years, though in that time neither of us has had many relationships or experiences outside our marriage. It was a decision we made in order to not limit each others life experiences and potential for growth. I met Michael in July of 2009 and eventually he came to live with our family for a period of time.

During the original 12days2inspire project which was an exercise in truth and transparency, I wrote openly about the experience of living with both my lover and my husband. This blog has many many entries that challenge the status quo of relationships and marriage. I will continue to speak openly about who I am and how I live because it is just easier that way.

With what you now know (or already knew for my lovely faithful reader.. gosh I am grateful for you guys!!!) you may think I am far from an authority on relationships and you may be right. Or maybe it makes me an expert. Ask me on different days and I will give you different answers. My friend who sent me the email looking for support thought of me as someone in the know about how relationships work. I will take this as a sign that someone believes I know what I am doing... and given that my confidence is a little shaky at the moment I appreciate the vote of confidence. Thanks friend for the email today, I needed it, I hope you find some solace in my words <3

"How do you love?"

After and After

I am still having a blog identity crisis, I am not sure what it’s purpose is.

I don’t feel called to continue the 12 day theme, but then I wonder if the title of the blog will be completely confusing? I don’t want to start a new one, you all know how to find me right here, and to be honest I have no interest in going through building a new blog or buying a new domain... BLAH!! I like to write, to share myself, I do not enjoy techie site building stuff. So until further notice I will just be posting here when I feel called to. The blog feels more like a travel blog than anything else, since this is my fodder most often. Still I can’t ignore that it is most often about me and my thoughts, it is still very personal.... We will talk about this more later, for now I have two things I want to share.

First the fun stuff. We went zip lining today! It was my first time. It was a present bought for our family by my mother in law. We are in a tourist area so when in Rome do as the touristy Romans do! I am not exactly sure what I expected of the tour but there always seems to be a heavy emphasis on getting us to into a gift shop to purchased overpriced souvenirs. I was pleasantly surprised that this was not the case at Huan Coa Canopy Adventures. In fact other than tee-shirts there was nothing to buy! The staff were super friendly and really good at their job which is really important when guiding something as potentially dangerous as zip lining. Our main guide Jonathan was great with the kids and had a quirky dry sense of humour which meant people were serious about following the rules. We had a blast and it was great to get away from the diesel fumes and hustling of the Golden Zone. If you come to do the resort thing here in Mazatlan and want to take a tour, this is the one. You can walk Old Mazatlan on your own and while we haven’t been to Isla de las Piedras (Stone Island) yet I am told it is better done by yourself. Flying above the canopy like a Crested Caracara on the other hand is most definitely not something you should attempt without guidance!

Ok Second, and this is the part of the blog which is personal, it’s time to talk weight again. I am working on streamlining the facebook side of things. I want to be able to upload lots of pictures but not have to post them here on the blog out of respect for my poor friend Katherine (HI KATH!) who may still be on archaic internet. I plan to upload pics month by month to document our travels as an amendment to what is written here.

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Last night I uploaded my first photo album of the trip and held my breath as I included a picture of me in my bathing suit. I know most womyn can relate to this. I have been body conscious my whole life, though now it has taken on a new flavour. I have never been a big person, even when I was at my biggest right after giving birth to my last two babies I was still fairly little with a lot of curves and softness. I didn’t see it this way then, I saw cellulite and folds of skin under my arms that I didn’t like. I use to say to Chris that I just didn’t feel like me.

Starting about 4 years ago I began to return to my pre-baby size. It was slow at first. Then last year when I had stopped trying to lose I shrank considerably. Eventually when my metabolism really sped up I had to work to keep weight on. I spent many a entry last year fretting, explaining, defending and pondering my weight loss.

I would like to tell you that the blog entry which brought the most traffic to my site was one where I waxed words, spread enlightening knowledge which challengd people, eventually changing their lives forever. The truth is it was the one with a shot of me in a bikini. I suspect this was because I used the words “before and after” in my tags (word which search engines search for), I will use them again and see if this one also gets hundreds of hits as well.

We live in a weight obsessed culture. I know I personally have spent more hours than I can even stomach thinking about my weight. What I never expected was the way I would be treated when I became as thin as I am today.

I still have issues with my body. Specifically it can be hard for me to feel womanly with breast as tiny as mine, especially immersed in Mexican culture where most womyn have these gorgeous curvy bodies, sexy hips and bodacious tattas! My mother in law asked me the other day if I have ever considered getting implants and suggested a surgeon. I had to leave the room to stop up my tears and avoid further painful conversation with her. Yes I KNOW I am “perfect just the way” I am, so please keep your medical referrals to yourself! Ugh

As I suspected the picture started off a flurry or comments which began with “Bernice, you look hungry” Again I cried. I replied, going into my spiel about how I eat butter and full fat yogurt, honey, and... and..... Chris gently reminded me, that I needn’t fall into the trap of explaining myself, that their comments were about themselves, their own weight issues, their projections. He encouraged me to save my energy, know what I know about me and send love to those whose path I have walked and understand well. And so with compassion for myself and others I offer this.

I am sorry. Sorry to any of you who I have judged because of your weight or body shape, no matter your size. I am sorry for the times I allowed my misunderstanding of the sacred nature of my own body to become a projection, one I made about you.

Tobias, that beautiful man who helped me create Ayla a little over 16 years ago, use to call himself a Fatist. He openly discriminated against overweight people and it use to really piss me off, partly because I judged myself as overweight. I now have been the target of discrimination based on my weight at the other end of the scale... and it hurts. I take this lesson to heart and thank all who have helped me to see that we all suffer from one form of self judgement or another. It presents itself in many forms. Under it all we want to be loved and excepted for our glorious beautiful selves and that love begins right here inside our own beautiful corazón.

I think I still want to do the question thing here on the blog... that part of the old project was really fun... so here is today's question. “What do you love about your own body?”

109th Bead

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave: I offer myself to Lord Shiva,the Auspiscious One, who is the true teacher Within and Without.
Saccidananda Murtaye: Who Assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss.
Nishprapanchaya Shantaya: Who is never absent and is full of peace.
Niralambaya Tejase: Independent existence, the vital essence of illumination.

I prayed today, 108 times as I sang the full Om Namah Shivaya mantra. My fingers prayed on each bead of my mala for this miscarriage to end. Today is 49th day of this miscarriage, 7 weeks, 7 sevens, seven completions of the life cycle, a good day for this lesson to be embodied.... fort this lesson to end... I am ready.



Eventually in the evening on this peaceful new moon my body let go, my baby let go and came out of me. It was non-eventful, no great pain or bleeding. He just quietly said good-bye. He is as big as a peanut and from the shape of his head, spine and limbs I know he made it to about 6 weeks. He left me before I took the herbs to end the pregnancy at 7 1/2 weeks. It was over before I even knew I was pregnant. He didn’t come to become my child in the flesh, but to teach me, he came as my 109th bead... my completion bead.. Thank you little one... Om Namah Shivaya.

My tiny teacher, my son is now wrapped in a ceremonial pouch, a new one which I found today because this morning something inside me knew it would end. Eventually there will be another ceremony to say good bye ... I am not sure when. This whole ordeal has brought so much pain... and so much healing. I will never be the same.

“What have you endured that has changed you forever?”

Day 9 On Time- A Man with Heart

Tonight, after a day filled with rehearsals and 2nd day of spring doldrums, I sat staring into my wood stove, building a fire. I watched flames dance on fractured logs as they resisted surrender . Pangs of sadness pulled when I thought about springs progression and how this means this stove would soon sit empty. It is unused for anything other than clutter in our blazing hot Nelson summers. I SO love having fire in my house, I miss it all summer long. I suppose this is the trade off for being able to swim outside in glacial lakes. Nelson is a truly amazing place to live. Life here is so filled experience and connection. I spent last night with friends celebrating equinox. We sat in circle, danced, shared a feast, did ceremony and the best part was it evolved completely organically. Living in Nelson makes it easy to see God in everything.

I was sent this video by someone I love very much, he knew how much it would mean to me. The man in the video one of my Guru’s. He would DETEST being called one so I won’t tell him, I will tell you instead. And while I love singing with him, it is not his voice that makes him someone I honour, it is his big Bhakti heart.

Jai Uttal "Babies for Bhakti" from Omega Institute on Vimeo.

“Who has influenced your work?” is the question in 12 days journal #343

Day 7 On Time- Water Love

So much has happened today, why can’t I think of what to write? Oh wait I got a message from my friend Rachel, something about how to love a womyn! If it comes from Rachel then it must be good, not only that if it is good then I can simply do a repost. It is what I do when I am feeling lazy. Today was a hard day, a delightful day, but also hard. Ok I am going to look at the thing Rach sent now.

(very little time passes)

I only read the beginning quote and the first line, I am posting it without reading the rest, I don’t need to know anymore to know it belongs on my blog. I will read the rest once I submit this entry.



If You Want to Change the World… Love a Woman

"When a fairly spiritual male friend of mine who had finally found and was deepening into committed relationship with his soul mate confided in me he was thinking of being single again, and in the next breath expressed his latest idea for raising consciousness worldwide, I wrote this poem." - Lisa Citore


If you want to change the world… love a woman-really love her.
Find the one who calls to your soul, who doesn’t make sense.
Throw away your check list and put your ear to her heart and listen.
Hear the names, the prayers, the songs of every living thing-
every winged one, every furry and scaled one,
every underground and underwater one, every green and flowering one,
every not yet born and dying one…
Hear their melancholy praises back to the One who gave them life.
If you haven’t heard your own name yet, you haven’t listened long enough.
If your eyes aren’t filled with tears, if you aren’t bowing at her feet,
you haven’t ever grieved having almost lost her.

If you want to change the world… love a woman-one woman
beyond yourself, beyond desire and reason,
beyond your male preferences for youth, beauty and variety
and all your superficial concepts of freedom.
We have given ourselves so many choices
we have forgotten that true liberation
comes from standing in the middle of the soul’s fire
and burning through our resistance to Love.
There is only one Goddess.
Look into Her eyes and see-really see
if she is the one to bring the axe to your head.
If not, walk away. Right now.
Don’t waste time “trying.”
Know that your decision has nothing to do with her
because ultimately it’s not with who,
but when we choose to surrender.

If you want to change the world… love a woman.
Love her for life-beyond your fear of death,
beyond your fear of being manipulated
by the Mother inside your head.
Don’t tell her you’re willing to die for her.
Say you’re willing to LIVE with her,
plant trees with her and watch them grow.
Be her hero by telling her how beautiful she is in her vulnerable majesty,
by helping her to remember every day that she IS Goddess
through your adoration and devotion.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
in all her faces, through all her seasons
and she will heal you of your schizophrenia-
your double-mindedness and half-heartedness
which keeps your Spirit and body separate-
which keeps you alone and always looking outside your Self
for something to make your life worth living.
There will always be another woman.
Soon the new shiny one will become the old dull one
and you’ll grow restless again, trading in women like cars,
trading in the Goddess for the latest object of your desire.
Man doesn’t need any more choices.
What man needs is Woman, the Way of the Feminine,
of Patience and Compassion, non-seeking, non-doing,
of breathing in one place and sinking deep intertwining roots
strong enough to hold the Earth together
while she shakes off the cement and steel from her skin.

If you want to change the world… love a woman, just one woman .
Love and protect her as if she is the last holy vessel.
Love her through her fear of abandonment
which she has been holding for all of humanity.
No, the wound is not hers to heal alone.
No, she is not weak in her codependence.

If you want to change the world… love a woman
all the way through
until she believes you,
until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her art, her passion,
her wildness have returned to her-
until she is a force of love more powerful
than all the political media demons who seek to devalue and destroy her.

If you want to change the world,
lay down your causes, your guns and protest signs.
Lay down your inner war, your righteous anger
and love a woman…
beyond all of your striving for greatness,
beyond your tenacious quest for enlightenment.
The holy grail stands before you
if you would only take her in your arms
and let go of searching for something beyond this intimacy.

What if peace is a dream which can only be re-membered
through the heart of Woman?
What if a man’s love for Woman, the Way of the Feminine
is the key to opening Her heart?

If you want to change the world…love a woman
to the depths of your shadow,
to the highest reaches of your Being,
back to the Garden where you first met her,
to the gateway of the rainbow realm
where you walk through together as Light as One,
to the point of no return,
to the ends and the beginning of a new Earth.

-Lisa Citore

“How do you love women?“ is the question in 12 days journal #341

I love Jill.

I can’t wait to read (or perhaps write) “If You Want to Change the World....Love a Man”

Day 6 On Time- Oops

Oops!

“When have you not lived up to your commitments?“ is the question in 12 days journal #340

I may not have written and submitted this entry on time but I did receive the following response to yesterdays entry on fear. It comes from my very new friend Keith and since IT was written on time I am going to let myself off the hook. I wanted to share it with you all because I think it is brilliant.

“haha. ok I'm getting a little chuckle here...I'd like to suggest you approach your fear not as a horrible something to get rid but as an important part of yourself that is desperate to be heard...the problem with not listening to your fears is that a) they are part of you so it's a form of self-hatred to ignore or deny them their proper place in your conscious expression...this leads to a repetition of of karma because a fear that is held and not given full and proper release will draw back the same types of experiences until this happens..

the second issue is that without hearing your fears in a way that is non-judgmental towards them, your conscious mind is often unable to discern whether it is an old fear that is being triggered and is seeking release or a new and real threat that needs to be treated and responded to as such..

this is further complicated because fear and anger have a very bad rap in a lot of spiritual teachings..keep in mind that many of these teachings/traditions were originally practised by men who've never been laid and which reflect serious denied inferiority complexes towards all things feminine, especially emotional expression.”

Yes yes yes. Such a good reply! Especially the last paragraph. It is so true that our spiritual teaching from the east come nearly exclusively from men, celibate men at that! There is nothing wrong with this, celibate men have a lot to teach. What I want to know is where are the spiritual teachings from the womyn who loved to make love as a spiritual practice? Now there are some teachings I could really learn from!

Day 9 Michael Land- Love

**Written and submitted by Michael**

I'm a fan of the subject of love. I want to share some exerpts from a book I'm reading called, Perfect Love: Imperfect Relationships, by John Welwood.

"The pure essence of love is like the sun in a cloudless sky... It is what comes through us naturally when we fully open up--to another person, to ourselves, or to life...

When we experience this kind of openness and warmth coming from another, it provides essential nourishment: It helps us experience our own warmth and openness, allowing us to recognize the beauty and goodness at the core of our nature. The light of unconditional love awakens the dormant seed potentials of the soul, helping them ripen, blossom, and bear fruit, allowing us to bring forth the unique gifts that are ours to offer in this life. Receiving pure love, caring, and recognition from another confers a great blessing: It affirms us in being who we are, allowing us to say yes to ourselves...

When the value and beauty of our existence is recognized, this allows us to relax, let down, and settle into ourselves. In relaxing we open. And this opening makes us transparent to the life flowing through us, like a fresh breeze that enters a room as soon as the windows are raised. This brings a sense of well-being, as well as genuine power... You experience the essential dignity and nobility of your existence, which does not depend on anyone else's approval or validation. In this deep sense of union with life, you realize you are not wounded, have never been wounded, cannot be wounded...



Yet even though the human heart is a channel through which great love streams into this world, this heart channel is usually clogged with debris--fearful, defensive patterns that have developed out of not knowing we are truly loved. As a result, love's natural openness, which we can taste in brief, blissful moments of pure connection with another person, rarely, permeates our relationships completely. Indeed, the more two people open to each other, the more this wide-openness also brings to the surface all the obstacles to it: their deepest, darkest wounds, their desperation and mistrust, and their rawest emotional triggers.

There is a good reason this happens: Before we can become a clear channel through which love can freely flow, the ways we are wounded must come to the surface and be exposed. Love as a healing power can operate only on what presents itself to be healed. As long as our wounding remains hidden, it can only fester...

Our beauty and our beast both arise from one and the same tenderness. When we harden against it, the beast is born. Yet when we allow the tenderness, we begin to discern the contours of a long-lost beauty hidden with the belly off the beast. If we can shine warmth and openness into the dark, tender place where we don't know we're lovable, this starts to forge a marriage between our beauty and our wounded beast.

This is, after all, the love we most long for--this embracing of our humanness, which lets us appreciate ourselves as the beautiful, luminous beings we are, housed in a vulnerable, flickering form whose endless calling is to move from chrysalis to butterfly, from seed to new birth. As earthly creatures continually subject to relative disappointment, pain, and loss, we cannot avoid feeling vulnerable. Yes as an open channel through which great love enters this world, the human heart remains invincible. Being wholly and genuinely human means standing firmly planted in both dimensions, celebrating that we are both vulnerable and indestructible at the same time."

Thanks Lilli.

“When do you feel indestructible?” is the question for 12 days journal #295

Day 5 Michael Land- Drop the Funk

*** Written by Michael***

Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing. I don’t mean the small, what am I doing, like when I’m on my way to the kitchen and forget what it is I am going there for. I mean the big, what am I doing, like, what the hell am I doing with my life?

As many of you know, Bernice and I renovated a dance studio in Nelson recently, only to be evicted by our landlord even before we had our opening. We poured into this studio, not only our money, but our hearts, and filled it with hopes and dreams. To have these dashed away even before they had a chance to begin was devastating, for both of us.

Another studio is always possible, but it means finding a place, negotiating, investing, renovating, decorating. And that’s just to get the doors open. To do all this while we’re still in the process of litigation with our ex-landlord to recover our investment from the first studio is challenging. So a new studio is not on the top of the list of things to do right now. Which leaves me asking the question, what am I doing?

As a self-employed, conscious r.evolutionary and freelance pirate of the psychic seas I don’t usually get my bread from the usual baskets. Although my university education is in business, my real work, and the development that I am most proud of, is my work with personal and community development, facilitating empowerment through creative expression, empathy training, and compassionate communication, as well as the righteous celebration of life.

You don’t find ads for work like that in the classifieds. And even when one does pull all the pieces together, they generally are connected to smaller tributaries of the main economic flow. So, I have a vision. A vision to create, with a small group of facilitators and performers, a community that models and facilitates the shifts necessary to reach our next step in human evolution, whatever that may be, perhaps from people motivated by fear to people motivated by love. A community that supports each other in the blossoming of awareness and the discovery of personal truth. This is my work.

But today, I’m having a little trouble doing my work. Although last night B and I made up, and made out, the ice is thin these days and I hardly even know how we cracked through it today into icy water. We’ve spent the day together, barely talking. Lately, we’ve been making up a lot, but not really making through. We’ve avoided a lot of communicating, both of us flying the flag of, I won’t be heard anyway even if I say something. So it builds and builds. And it pops through in the most unsuspecting places.

One thing I know, is that no matter what anybody else does or says, I know my pain is always my own. And I know it comes from not loving myself fully and accepting myself wholly.

So I’ve got my work cut out for me. The shift happens slowly. We went to the ashram, and then to the hot springs. Bernice massaged my sore back in the hot water and for the first time all day more than our hands touched. We love each other. We both know that. But it is incredible how strong the resistance is to love when it’s not there on the inside. So I’m working on feeling what’s on the inside. And loving it no matter what. And trusting in myself. And celebrating all the work that has been done, that is being done, and that there still is to do.

Tonight my work is loving and listening. We’re on our way to hear our friend Ty West play at Sleep is for Sissies. I’m going to love myself, love Bernice, and love life so I can drop the funk and have fun. Not forget the funk, or ignore the funk, or suppress the funk. Feel the funk, love the funk, hold the funk, so I can drop the funk. Because if there is any work that the world needs, that’s it. Drop the funk; and have fun.

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(Ty West - Dropping da funk!)

“What do you do to get yourself out of a funk?“ is the question in 12 day journal #291

Day 4 Just Breathe- Love Like That...

If It Is Not Too Dark

Go for a walk, if it is not too dark.
Get some fresh air, try to smile.
Say something kind
To a safe-looking stranger, if one happens by.

Always exercise your heart's knowing.

You might as well attempt something real
Along this path:

Take your spouse or lover into your arms
The way you did when you first met.
Let tenderness pour from your eyes
The way the Sun gazes warmly on the earth.

Play a game with some children.
Extend yourself to a friend.
Sing a few ribald songs to your pets and plants -
Why not let them get drunk and wild!

Let's toast
Every rung we've climbed on Evolution's ladder.
Whisper, "I love you! I love you!"
To the whole mad world.

Let's stop reading about God -
We will never understand Him.

Jump to your feet, wave your fists,
Threaten and warn the whole Universe

That your heart can no longer live
Without real love!

-Hafiz”

My heart only wants to live with REAL love,

REAL reciprocation,

real willingness,

REAL caring,

shared decision making,

real respect,

and REAL empathy.

“What is some of you favorite poetry?” is the question in 12 days journal #230. I am really excited to read both the journal AND the comments that get left here on the journal, oh how I love poetry.

Day 1 Visual Creation- Do you believe?

I have come to the sad resolve that we live in an age skeptical of love. Sometimes I think I am the only romantic left, that is until another finds me, this is when I am reminded of the vast array of love and lovemaking possibilities. Before you get the idea that I am talking about sex, read on.

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The idea of having a song sung to me, better yet, about me, is my idea of romantic ecstasy. Or how about listening to a poem read slowly, with intention, and passion? My knees quiver just thinking about it. Today a friend explained a theory in Chinese Medicine using dots and lines, he transformed it into something both beautiful and clear, the seduction of sacred mathematics is so delicious. This is love, shared experience, passion and wonder. Lovemaking the traditional way is certainly lovely, believe me I am very pro sexuality. Lovemaking though happens all the time, in an infinite number of ways. A well placed hand during Tango, a rescued melon in the midst of a shopping cart catastrophe, a smile from a passer-by which lasts long enough to say “I see you”, these are all acts of making love. My fondest hope is that you can understand and feel in your body what I am talking about, if not, this is the scepticism of which I speak.

Today I stroked a hand, and made love. Today I drew a picture, shared it with a friend, in this act we made love. I let go into myself in the bath last night, while listening to the ecstatic chanting of the Ghost Brothers, I felt, from the inside, every inch of my being, I felt ecstatic bliss, this was me making love with myself. Skepticism of love often shows up as sarcasm or harsh sexual humour. If reading about my making love with myself translates for any readers into masturbation, then you are misunderstanding. I am talking about love as a connection with the Divine, felt through the body as ecstatic bliss.

Scepticism puts an obstacle in the way of being able to trust, to believe. An unconditional belief in love is what creates unconditional love, and in turn ecstatic bliss.

I am no skeptic, I believe in love.

“Do you believe in love?” is the question in 12 days journal #215

Day 8 Sacred Space- Red

Today is red. I can not ignore the obvious, that red is the colour of passion. There has been much passion in the creation of this studio. Michael and I met 5 months ago, our relationship has been on hyper-speed ever since; we met, made love, decided to work together, fell deeper into love across distance, then spent 39 days straight with one another working, and falling deeper, always deeper. Life with my family began to include him, we moved in as a family, back into our newly refinished home; a new old home, a new old family. The passion also included a lot of intense anger and sadness. Michael and I process, it is what we do, often despite our wishes to turn it off. The growth I have experience has been so quick at times that I wondered if it was healthy. I was full of fear, fear that had been put away years ago added to a new fear of completely transparently living my truth, I was (and sometimes still am) scared shitless.

Under it all though is a faith, a devotion, a deep deep knowing that it is all worth it; that living in a way where I get to love and honour myself exactly as I am, and can do the same for everyone around me, is worth it. I am a work in progress, always will be, this is my family and my life as it is right now, and it is beautiful. I believe my children feel safer than they have in a long time, more held. I believe Chris is finally getting the space he needs to deal with all the pain that led to his accident over 2 years ago, his journey now has more witnesses, I believe this is a relief, and likely also scary as hell. I believe that Michael is feeling the challenge and exhilaration of getting exactly what he asked for, I believe he loves me, and his new family.

I feel blessed, and full of gratitude for my entire family. The struggles and growth have been intense. I have asked God or anyone who would listen many times for a pause button, felt like I needed to just stop moving so I could breathe. Well the pause button never materialized, instead I am learning to breathe while it all moves on around me. This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.

Here is one of my favourite “Blue” writing songs, there is a lot of this song in many of the posts you have read here.



And just because red, passion love filled red is one of my all time favourite colours, I leave you with a poem which makes me think red red red. Here is a little e.e. Cummings.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh...And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly I like the thrill

of under me you so quite new
-e.e cummings

“What are you passionate about?” is the question in 12 days journal #210

Day 12 Committed to Self- The Love

I slept off and on for 14 hours today. I am exhausted, I WAS really really exhausted. I have felt frail lately, not strong like I usually do. That said I feel more stable than I have felt for a while. I think the last of the storm has finally abated, time to just do a little clean up.

Today, on the last day of this commitment, there was a shift. A sweet, beautiful shift. I have decided to keep the nature of the commitment to myself, keep it intimate. I will say though, that during the commitment on any given day I likely would have given you a completely different explanation of what the commitment was, and how I was feeling about it. It was perfect to give myself 12 days.... 12 crazy up and down days filled with love...lots of other stuff too, but it is the love that makes the answers clear.

“What is love?” is the question in 12 days journal #190

“The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love and be loved in return
-anonymous“

Day 3 Sans Coffee- I'm Sorry

I have been putting off writing this entry all day. I have known since the moment I got up this morning what I wanted to say. This doesn’t make it easy to say it though.



I chose poorly. I did something I now see differently. I now see my choice of words as violent, not in the knock-em out drag-em down sort of way, but violent all the same.

I remember once hearing someone say “Everyone has a good reason for what they do”. That even a mass murderer, had in his mind when he did the killing that it somehow made sense and was justified. I remember seeing this when Jeffery Dalmer was on trial back in the early 90’s, that although he had done something unthinkable, he was a man, one who at the time had a reason good enough that he acted on his desire to murder. Just so we are clear here, I didn’t murder anyone. I did hurt someone though. Like Jeffery Dalmer, and I would guess everyone of you who reads this, I let my “good reason” get in the way of acting with tact and care.

In the aftermath of my words there was a lot of anger, confusion, and competition to be heard, understood. Eventually, with help from friends, we were able to see each others pain, and intentions. Eventually I got to say how very sorry I was that my words had caused pain. I feel a huge sense of relief from doing so. It is a strange phenomenon that despite this relief, which I have felt before, and knew lay at the end of this path, there was a familiar resistance to owning my tactlessness, the “good reason” seemed to justify it all. Admitting I had acted without tact made me imagine I was saying “I didn’t have a good reason”. As though it was incongruent to have had a good reason and still done something that hurt another. I didn’t want the fact that my intentions came from a place of wanting one I love to have the same love and care that they themselves give to others to get lost. This is not to say I didn’t see the pain my words had caused, I even knew before I sent/said them that it would cause upheaval. In the place I was coming from, which was a place of frustration and helplessness, I had an idea it was the only way. Turns out it wasn’t the only way. In fact there were far gentler ways I could have chosen that would have caused so much less pain, for everyone, including me. I got hurt by my own words, possibly caused irreparable damage to a relationship that means the world to me. Time will tell.

Sigh....all this AND no coffee to comfort me.

“Have you ever hurt someone you love?” is the question in 12 days journal #169

Day 9 Asking For Help- What is Love?

ACK!! I am falling behind. For two days in a row I am writing yesterday’s entry today. I have no problem what so ever in blaming this on the full moon. I felt her pull well over a week ago. KNEW, that this one was going to be life changing.

I have hardly slept since Thursday. Because of this I set myself a very strict guideline last night, that I must go home as soon as the sun began to rise. I had to get at least a few hours before the kids woke up! I danced in the living room of a home that was opened to the community for an all night full moon celebration. I did sleep a bit, 20 feet from where the DJ was mixing, intertwined and snuggled up on a couch, bass bumping through my dreams. I was surrounded by so many loving friends, some I knew, some I didn’t, some old, some very very new. I drove home at 4:00 a.m. listening to the birds waking, taunting me with there full nights sleep, and to country music, it was the only station I could find. Twang works as good as anything else to keep one awake!

I was given the question for today (yesterday?) by the bass, entering my sub conscious mind, by the encouragement of friends who conspire towards my success, by the gentle absentminded touch of a friend on a couch. This question did not come by email, it came, as my friend Philip would say, by T-mail. Telepathic mail indeed. I got the message from you all, you light beings so filled with love. That what you want to know, what you want answered, what you wanted discussed, pondered, laid out in the light for all to caress, is the question, “What is love?”.

I have heard an argument that love is merely a chemically induced reaction to increase chances of survival, to live long enough to propagate our species. While not wildly romantic, it does make logical sense. Love is chemicals...this would explain the popularity of chemical drugs. While I can concede that chemicals play a role, I KNOW that there is more to it than this. I have heard it said that God is Love, pure and simple. That our source, what makes us all one, is Love. THIS I believe. Still though it does not help me to understand that deep feeling when sometimes despite all logic or rational thought I KNOW I love someone. Especially that deep intense feeling of romantic love, or the feeling of deep love when a baby is born. It doesn’t make me understand love at first sigh, how in one glance I can feel love. At first glance today’s question may seem like a simple one, but I wonder if it won’t be one of the hardest to answer. I looked up love in the dictionary. Random House has 14 hits on “Love” in its usage as a noun alone!

Love –noun
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.
4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12.the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13.Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14.a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

“The object or thing so liked” Sigh.... I love this one, so poetic. I am reminded of the quote “I don’t know art but I know what I like”. I can’t tell you definitively what love is, but I know when I am in it.

Since this question came in from the masses, it needs to be sent out the same way. I will take 12 days journal #54 next time I go to a party or event where many of my lovely friends will be. I will give it to someone that I love. I may not be able to tell them what this love is exactly, but I will KNOW that I love them....this is enough.