Day 5 Final Commitment- Shambles

Wow, didn’t see this comin. I started today with August 6th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-creative-words-being.html the day Michael and I set off to Shambala together. What an absolutely magical adventure we had. We taught a workshop, danced all day and night and we made beautiful love, other than drinking coffee and eating we did little else. We reached an even deeper level of love at this event, working there together, playing there together. I haven’t actually read anything yet. To tell you the truth I don’t really want to read it, it’s too hard.

And here I go anyway.



Last night I went to an open mic and read two of the poems from the creative writing commitment, I chose angry-ish ones. I wish now I would have read this one from. August 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-11-creative-words-magic.html This was my most magical day at Shambala. I feel physical pain in my heart as I read this entry, as I read my poem. I wish I could access just the feelings of love as I read these words, I wish they weren’t so connected to feelings of pain.

I want to state for the record, before we go any further. That I KNOW my objectivity on anything that is connected to Michael is skewed right now because of how disconnected we are from one another. The point of this commitment was to give honest clear reflection now that I have distance from my actions. Well I want you to know I have very little objectivity when it comes to my relationship with my Michael at the moment.

On August 8th I ran my first ever Movement Based Expressive Arts workshop...at Shambala, nothing like diving in head first!

Speaking of Shambala, I was brave enough to mention drug/medicine usage on the blog a couple of times during the festival. I live in a community where it is said that 75% of the population is either directly or indirectly related to the marijuana industry. *I* am the wife of a (retired kinda) RCMP officer. I need to be very careful about what I say in regards to things which are illegal. This was a tricky thing when writing a blog with the goal or truth and transparency. Here on August 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-jus-dance-continued.html I venture out a little, talk about my views in a way which is honest but safe for my particular family situation. I feel comfortable with how I walked this line this last year.

By August 12th I was back in California and in the habit of writing and not submitting till days later. I always knew that if I were to remain consistent, write and submit daily, that my contact with you all would have flowed better. When I am on time submitting I get many more hits to the blog and more comments. The thing was this project was a lot of fucking work, and my life is a WHOLE lot of work, so I just had to let things slip. It is what it is.

Ah ha! The infamous “Day 40” post where I come out as polyamorous and tell the world that Michael was my lover. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-jus-dance-day-40.html was written on August 13th, it was not submitted for nearly a week if I remember correctly. I wrote it in California and was home before it ever hit the net. I was petrified. I actually had a crazy body reaction, a fear reaction when I submitted it. It was the beginning of really stripping myself naked for the world to see. This entry had the most hits for months...until I posted a half naked picture of myself in a bikini and cowboy boots that is (rolling eyes at myself).

This trip also saw my reconciliation with my Jeremy on August 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-jus-dance-friendship.html . He was my sweet lover before I met Michael. My first ever lover within the wild world of polyamory in fact. He is lovely and soft and for whatever reason we just didn’t hold onto our relationship. It was complicated, I was married, he was a monogamist. We did love each other though. (I less than 3 you J.)

Home again and posting about love and its struggles. August 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-jus-dance-change.html This post was another top hitter, partly because of the beautiful picture of Chris and Kelly, they look so happy. Another reason I think this one was read so much was that I finally talked about how the kids were dealing with things. This was the main concern that people brought forward about our choice to live as a blended polyamorous family, that the kids would suffer. There were some really hard times, especially for Lily. Now though it is Lily who is most connected with Michael. I have spoken to her this last week (Chris and the kids are visiting him mom in Alberta while I stayed behind for rehearsals) and she is the one who always asks about Michael. She loves him, she loves Kelly too. It is hard that both of these people have left her life in the way they existed in it before. It is tempting to say we never should have allowed them into her life like we did, but it would not be true. What my beautiful children have learned from Michael and Kelly, how their lives have changed from having them in our home, has been amazing and most definitely for the greater good of our family and the world.

August 21st “Staycation!” http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/latest-commitment-staycation.html This was the name of the commitment where I took time off which translated into only writing 150 words or less each day. Do you know one of the parts of the project which was most enjoyable and easy? A joy nearly every time? Naming the entries and commitments. I loved this part. I got to be cryptic, humorous, stealthy, smart, smart-ass-d. I will miss this part, but who am I kidding, it is not like I am going to be able to give up blogging, I am a little obsessed, did ya notice?

In Staycation my new focus on the present began to really emerge, the signs of stirring. I was feeling the stress of trying to recollect past events and still write authentically. It was so important to me by this point that the writing be as real as possible. I can also see I was really beginning to feel the full brunt of what I had chosen to take on with 12 days 2 inspire. I am happy in THIS moment now about having chosen this commitment last August because it means I have less reading than yesterday!

Geez! I think I was on to something with those short posts! I said a lot with so little words...imagine that! I especially liked:

August 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-time-off-clear-as.html where it is obvious my commitment to truth telling was becoming stronger.

August 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-time-off-burning.html where I start to show how my edges are fraying.

August 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-time-off-avoidance-not.html where I am being playful and apologetic all at the same time.

August 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-time-off-simply.html A beautiful memory, a romantic moment alluded to; my blog version of serenading my lover.


I am blown out of the water by September 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-walkabout-get-out-of-jail-free.html . I could have written this exact entry, with a few subtle changes, today. I even laughed out load at the words I wanted to put on my “Get out of Jail Free Card”

”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“

The moon happens to be full today.

And so today's reading ends on September 3rd when me and Michael wrote a story for Rosy and her friend Sage. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-walkabout-oombellafish.html

and a commitment made to myself on September 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-walkabout-ashina.html

”I make a vow to myself on this day that I will create/manifest/find a sacred workspace for myself and those who I work with, that I will commit each day to moving in the direction of a life lived in community, and co-creation.“

I remember now that the creation of Sanctum Studio came the very next month. Oh man am I in for some bumpy reading! I can smile at it now but back when we were creating the studio and then to loose it so quickly, times were very intense. When this project is over I will be working on taking this vow to the next level...there will be dancing on Sundays in Nelson soon. That is a promise.

***EDIT- ADDED to the blog and 12 days journal #351 two days later, after Michael pointed out I forgot the daily question. ”What do you do when you don’t know what you want?“ Apparently I go on a road trip.***

Day 1 Listen- Conception

Dance Church is something I have been promising the people of my community for a long time now. Getting it together always seemed like such a grand task, this is not to say I wasn’t going to do it, but I certainly was coming up with reasons to put things off. In walks Michael.

I have heard it said that the Ying Yang symbol is a depiction of the female energy carving out space for creation, that then there is room for masculine energy to move in, giving the space form. This describes how our Dance Church is being conceived. Today Michael made the radical suggestion that we get out a piece of paper and a pen and begin writing things down...I know...crazy!

We have attempted to talk about Dance Church before, and noticed pretty quickly that this project was near and dear to both of our hearts. As can often be the case when two people are passionate about the same thing, the sparks began to fly. This happened when something as seemingly simple as music began to hold a magnifying glass to the differences in our ideas. It became an off topic, which meant back burner for Dance Church.

The questions from the community never stopped though, people kept asking about the “dance thing we were going to start on Sundays”. “WHEN?” became the reoccurring question. We wondered too.

Today we sat down with the little moleskine notebook which had been slated to become 12 days journal #191 and instead wrote “DANCE CHURCH et el.” on the front cover, the last two words being added in one of the many silly and light hearted moments during our 2 hour long collaboration. We drew pictures, talked about dreams, ideas, and really listened with care and attention, knowing the other was revealing their heart.

And so while we do not have a date for you, we are hoping for sometime in November, near the end I believe. Wow, owning this makes it seem that much more real, soon I will be be in a studio with you all, sweating and rhythmically calling in our prayers. Divine.

“How do you pray/meditate/connect with the divine?” is the question in 12 days journal #191

Day 4 Open Heart Letter- Self doubt Sundays

What is it about Sundays? Most often Sunday is the day I am unusually riddled with self doubt. This morning I had thoughts of “Why am I doing this experiment? No one will read this blog! It is silly” These thoughts are fleeting and I know enough about the Loki nature of my mind to not believe self deprecating stories, especially those told to me on Sundays. So why do I experience these self doubt Sundays? Is it because of my history? As a kid they meant a new week of school. School was hard for me, I was little, had a funny name, was one of the youngest, this recipe made for a fair amount of bullying. Is this why? Or perhaps it was my history as an adult? Chris worked most weekends, when other families were together, we were apart. Could this be it? Or is it something else? Perhaps Karmic? Maybe in a former life I was executed on a Sunday for some horrible crime I committed. Maybe this life time I am paying that debt? Perhaps the weekly debit from my karmic account is withdrawn on Sundays? Or maybe it is a collective thing? In our culture a large number of people consider today to be the day of the week set aside to honour the sacred. I love the idea of this, I would love to celebrate with my community in a way that feels sacred for me on Sundays. When I travel to California, something I do monthly, I am blessed to spend the odd Sunday whirling round a room in silent prayer. We dance for about 2 hours together, in reverent communion. This is my spiritual practice. Here where I live most often this does not exist. Perhaps I am confusing a lack of connection to the divine, to my community, with self doubt. Maybe it is not self doubt at all, but merely that Sunday is a day I need more than self. Since I have always lived in a culture where Sunday is the Sabbath, perhaps it is deep ingrained in my psyche that today is the day to gather and give/recieve strength to/from my community to rejuvenate my sense of self?It is my goal to start a Sunday Dance church here, inspired by the work of the amazing visionary who created Soul Motion. I am asked often by people in my community “WHEN?!”. I am not sure. And today of all days is not a good day for me to ponder too deeply why I have yet to create this event. I feel I still have work to do before I can do justice to the awesome responsibility of holding sacred space. I believe I will know when that time comes, and I figure it will probably happen on a Monday.

I will be writing today to the friend and Teacher who is my inspiration for creating a Sunday Dance Church. He inspires me to create a safe haven for those who feel they don’t have a place they belong when the church bells ring out. A place to commune in a way that celebrates and honours the divine, using our bodies as our prayer wheel. A place to walk into the room with self doubts, or any other of a myriad of emotions, let them loose on the dance floor and trust whatever personal journey results. Surrounded by a community who are doing the same. A place to be “alone together”.

“Do you have a dream that you are working towards?”, is the question being sent out into the world in 12 days journal # 13. It will be send off today to my friend who lives in Portland, Oregon. Which is perfect because it just so happen that Sunday in his FAVOURITE day!