Day 5 Final Commitment- Shambles

Wow, didn’t see this comin. I started today with August 6th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-creative-words-being.html the day Michael and I set off to Shambala together. What an absolutely magical adventure we had. We taught a workshop, danced all day and night and we made beautiful love, other than drinking coffee and eating we did little else. We reached an even deeper level of love at this event, working there together, playing there together. I haven’t actually read anything yet. To tell you the truth I don’t really want to read it, it’s too hard.

And here I go anyway.



Last night I went to an open mic and read two of the poems from the creative writing commitment, I chose angry-ish ones. I wish now I would have read this one from. August 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-11-creative-words-magic.html This was my most magical day at Shambala. I feel physical pain in my heart as I read this entry, as I read my poem. I wish I could access just the feelings of love as I read these words, I wish they weren’t so connected to feelings of pain.

I want to state for the record, before we go any further. That I KNOW my objectivity on anything that is connected to Michael is skewed right now because of how disconnected we are from one another. The point of this commitment was to give honest clear reflection now that I have distance from my actions. Well I want you to know I have very little objectivity when it comes to my relationship with my Michael at the moment.

On August 8th I ran my first ever Movement Based Expressive Arts workshop...at Shambala, nothing like diving in head first!

Speaking of Shambala, I was brave enough to mention drug/medicine usage on the blog a couple of times during the festival. I live in a community where it is said that 75% of the population is either directly or indirectly related to the marijuana industry. *I* am the wife of a (retired kinda) RCMP officer. I need to be very careful about what I say in regards to things which are illegal. This was a tricky thing when writing a blog with the goal or truth and transparency. Here on August 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-jus-dance-continued.html I venture out a little, talk about my views in a way which is honest but safe for my particular family situation. I feel comfortable with how I walked this line this last year.

By August 12th I was back in California and in the habit of writing and not submitting till days later. I always knew that if I were to remain consistent, write and submit daily, that my contact with you all would have flowed better. When I am on time submitting I get many more hits to the blog and more comments. The thing was this project was a lot of fucking work, and my life is a WHOLE lot of work, so I just had to let things slip. It is what it is.

Ah ha! The infamous “Day 40” post where I come out as polyamorous and tell the world that Michael was my lover. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-jus-dance-day-40.html was written on August 13th, it was not submitted for nearly a week if I remember correctly. I wrote it in California and was home before it ever hit the net. I was petrified. I actually had a crazy body reaction, a fear reaction when I submitted it. It was the beginning of really stripping myself naked for the world to see. This entry had the most hits for months...until I posted a half naked picture of myself in a bikini and cowboy boots that is (rolling eyes at myself).

This trip also saw my reconciliation with my Jeremy on August 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-jus-dance-friendship.html . He was my sweet lover before I met Michael. My first ever lover within the wild world of polyamory in fact. He is lovely and soft and for whatever reason we just didn’t hold onto our relationship. It was complicated, I was married, he was a monogamist. We did love each other though. (I less than 3 you J.)

Home again and posting about love and its struggles. August 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-jus-dance-change.html This post was another top hitter, partly because of the beautiful picture of Chris and Kelly, they look so happy. Another reason I think this one was read so much was that I finally talked about how the kids were dealing with things. This was the main concern that people brought forward about our choice to live as a blended polyamorous family, that the kids would suffer. There were some really hard times, especially for Lily. Now though it is Lily who is most connected with Michael. I have spoken to her this last week (Chris and the kids are visiting him mom in Alberta while I stayed behind for rehearsals) and she is the one who always asks about Michael. She loves him, she loves Kelly too. It is hard that both of these people have left her life in the way they existed in it before. It is tempting to say we never should have allowed them into her life like we did, but it would not be true. What my beautiful children have learned from Michael and Kelly, how their lives have changed from having them in our home, has been amazing and most definitely for the greater good of our family and the world.

August 21st “Staycation!” http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/latest-commitment-staycation.html This was the name of the commitment where I took time off which translated into only writing 150 words or less each day. Do you know one of the parts of the project which was most enjoyable and easy? A joy nearly every time? Naming the entries and commitments. I loved this part. I got to be cryptic, humorous, stealthy, smart, smart-ass-d. I will miss this part, but who am I kidding, it is not like I am going to be able to give up blogging, I am a little obsessed, did ya notice?

In Staycation my new focus on the present began to really emerge, the signs of stirring. I was feeling the stress of trying to recollect past events and still write authentically. It was so important to me by this point that the writing be as real as possible. I can also see I was really beginning to feel the full brunt of what I had chosen to take on with 12 days 2 inspire. I am happy in THIS moment now about having chosen this commitment last August because it means I have less reading than yesterday!

Geez! I think I was on to something with those short posts! I said a lot with so little words...imagine that! I especially liked:

August 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-2-time-off-clear-as.html where it is obvious my commitment to truth telling was becoming stronger.

August 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-5-time-off-burning.html where I start to show how my edges are fraying.

August 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-time-off-avoidance-not.html where I am being playful and apologetic all at the same time.

August 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-10-time-off-simply.html A beautiful memory, a romantic moment alluded to; my blog version of serenading my lover.


I am blown out of the water by September 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-1-walkabout-get-out-of-jail-free.html . I could have written this exact entry, with a few subtle changes, today. I even laughed out load at the words I wanted to put on my “Get out of Jail Free Card”

”Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just hug me, listen to me, don’t expect anything rational, trust that I will work this out as I always do, when I find my strong self assured self again, which will be soon...maybe when the moon is past full.“

The moon happens to be full today.

And so today's reading ends on September 3rd when me and Michael wrote a story for Rosy and her friend Sage. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-2-walkabout-oombellafish.html

and a commitment made to myself on September 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/09/day-3-walkabout-ashina.html

”I make a vow to myself on this day that I will create/manifest/find a sacred workspace for myself and those who I work with, that I will commit each day to moving in the direction of a life lived in community, and co-creation.“

I remember now that the creation of Sanctum Studio came the very next month. Oh man am I in for some bumpy reading! I can smile at it now but back when we were creating the studio and then to loose it so quickly, times were very intense. When this project is over I will be working on taking this vow to the next level...there will be dancing on Sundays in Nelson soon. That is a promise.

***EDIT- ADDED to the blog and 12 days journal #351 two days later, after Michael pointed out I forgot the daily question. ”What do you do when you don’t know what you want?“ Apparently I go on a road trip.***

Day 12 Jus Dance- Cookie Prophecy

Three for three. Three days of tears, three days of wondering how to make it all work. To be honest I didn’t really fulfil my commitment yesterday. In a metaphorical sense I did the anger dance, the sadness dance, the miscommunication dance, the feelings of deep abandonment dance, but no shakin my booty dance. The plan to go out, dance to live music at the Spirit Bar, to relax and have fun with friends, never happened. Instead I spent hours in a room, wanting to be heard, feeling that I wasn’t, with someone who wanted to be heard and felt he wasn’t.

I am glad this commitment is over, it feels like an ending to this period of unhappiness. What is it they say about bad things happening in threes? I don’t really think that the last three days were bad, hard, but not bad. Growth is sometimes painful, I get this. The last three days were really hard, the hard times are over though, cause I say so. I need some lightness in this heavy painful heart of mine.

And so it is! The sadness is ending because I need it to. And I know from a whole long life lived, that sad times do not last, they give way to happiness and more ease. I know that this too shall pass.

“How do you find happiness when times are tough?” is the question in 12 days journal #129

Just to end on a positive note, to show you all I really do know that things are as they should be, and that this time of coming out is worth this struggle, I will leave you with the wise words I found inside a fortune cookie yesterday.

“Your courage will guide your future”

We all know that fortune cookies are always right!

Day 11 Jus Dance- Swinging all the Way Round

Today I danced with tears streaming down my face....again. This time I was in the park. It was one hell of a day today, many crying breakdowns, in between lawyers visits and navigating the continued judgement and sticky, bumpy, twisting goo of coming out as polyamourous. Throw in my eldest daughters 14th birthday and the day was REALLY FULL. So full in fact that one small comment about my parenting style on the walk home from a well meaning member of my family, tipped the scales. It was just too much. I couldn’t handle what I perceived as one more finger pointed at an area where I am remiss or could do better. I had hit full and this comment spilled over me, engulfing me in sadness and a desire to run away. I walked to the park and sat on the swing, too numb yet to cry. I began to swing. I pumped my body hard, feeling my abdominal straining, I swung higher and higher. I was filled with the remembering of my childhood, how when things got hard, which they often were, I would swing. I spent so much time at the park. Most of it on the swing, working the pumping, filled with hope that if I swung hard enough I could wrap myself all the way around, that somehow this would make things all better. I tried again, for the first time in probably 20 years to achieve the wrap around...it still didn’t work. I remembered at this point that I had also failed in achieving my commitment, so after what felt like the 600th failure of the day, i got off the sing and began to dance to my internal song. I spiralled round the basketball court, tears finally flowing. I would like to report that it made things all better, it wouldn’t be true though, I was still sad when I was done, but at least I had completed my commitment. Ah success!

Happy Birthday Ayla Bayla Boo....14 years ago today I became a mother. The hardest job I have ever done....and the most amazingly fulfilling one too, even when I feel like I am failing all over the place.

"Do you think of life in terms of failures and success?"Why?“ is the question in 12 days journal #128

Day 10 Jus Dance- Change

Tonight I slow danced in the kitchen with Michael, I cried as he held me in his arms. He cleared a spot for us, moved the kitchen table and chairs, as I lamented not having not done my commitment for the day on top of everything else.

Things didn’t go so well today. I wish I could say that the blending of our family was smooth like butter, but if I claimed that you would likely know I was lying. Lily is having a hard time with the prospect of being different. Of course the idea that she is the same as any of her classmates is an illusion but I suspect this response sounds like bullshit to a 10 year old. There has been a rash of divorces amongst her classmates parents in the last 2 years, and while she is happy her parents are not getting divorced, it is tempting given that at least she would be “normal”. She loves Kelly, is warming to Michael and is not unhappy with our blended happy family, but the idea of her schoolmates finding out that her family arrangement is different from EVERYONE else's, is tortuous. I don’t know how to make this better, I mean the obvious would be to let go of what I believe about consciously choosing a model of family which I feel is more conducive to ease and lasting stability; reacting and jumping back to status quo in hopes that this will alleviate her discomfort. Then I have to live with the message I have sent to my children that conformity in order to have comfort over choosing ones own path is desirable. When Lily and I spoke about Chris and my relationship I asked if she would prefer we divorced, she said “NO!”. I explained to her that sometimes in life we have to choose between what is easy, and what we really want. She really wants her parent to stay together, and we have never really considered other wise, but doing so with other partners makes Lily different. I hate that my choices make her different than her classmates, that by having parents who believe in not limiting each others experiences, she has to explain that divorce is not a part of her parents having other partners, that we all live together in harmony.

Parents generally want to do everything they can for their kids to have a joyful and easy life, and we all discover at some point that there are some things that we just can’t save them from. I know it will be ok, that my children are, as my friend Kath says, “Brilliant”, that change is hard no matter what, and that change is inevitable. When our family moved here to Nelson it was change, it caused my children to have to adjust, a new baby requires adjustment, divorce definitely requires adjustment, this change of ours just happens to not be a common change, but commonality doesn’t speak to the health of a change. A new diet low in sugar and refined flour is a change which can be difficult, but it is towards health. I believe that moving toward living in community, where the responsibilities don’t fall to just two parents is a change towards a more supportive environment, where needs are more easily met, that said, it is still change and change is hard.

To end this post I want to share this picture with you. This is my husband Chris and his sweet partner Kelly. These two are in love, and a change that involves this much love is not one I am going to forgo just to facilitate the easy way. I am confident that choosing love is the way.



“Who do you love?” is the question in 12 day journal #127

Day 9 Jus Dance- Pespective

Of all my dances today, the one with Laura from Southwest airlines was my favourite.

The airline misplaced my bags while I was flying home. When I noticed they did not come down the luggage shoot I was not surprised. I had a funny feeling today would be the day. Southwest Airlines is a phenomenal company, they know how to treat customers, and I don’t mean in that sugary “the customer is always right” sort of way. If you miss a flight, you simply get a credit for another, and they fill your seat with he inevitable plane missers or stand byers. Simple. If I want to change a flight, I go online and do it myself, easy, and with no change fee. Best of all they have great rates, best out there. So I am a dedicated Southwest customer. I had no doubts that the luggage hiccup would go in a similar smooth fashion.

When Laura at the baggage services desk learned about the luggage having gone missing. She gave me options; I could have it sent by UPS to me over the border, or I could stick around and wait for it, if I choose to wait I would receive a $100 travel voucher. The choice was easy! Michael had come to pick me up at the airport, since we had to wait until after dinner for my bags, they offered to pay for our dinner. After a lovely meal we returned to find my bags had still not made it, again I was given options. I had already received a travel voucher and a meal, now I had the choice of again having UPS deliver it, or they would put me up in a hotel until it arrived. I was dead tired, again the choice was easy. My luggage arrived sometime that evening long after we had gone over to the hotel.

For many having luggage lost is a huge hassle, for me it was an adventure. I am not sure how much of this has to do with Southwest and how much has to do with my perspective, I suspect it is a sprinkling of both.

“How much does your perception of an incident shape its outcome?” is the question in 12 days journal #126

Day 8 Jus Dance- Friendship

I danced in school today. The dance that I did though, the one I consider to have been most fruitful, was the dance back into friendship with my friend Jeremy. Things got rocky for us for a while, there were times I wondered if our friendship would dissolve. Today we snuggled and talked about his new love interest. It was nice to be able to hold space for him. I used to stay with him when I came to school, his home was mine too for those weeks. It felt comfortable to be able to revisit this place of respite, it gave me a chance to reflect on all that has happened and how far I have come in the last year. Funny how when I am flying along, so much work and change, being caught up in it can make things appear to be progressing at snails pace.

“What does it mean to be a friend?” is the question in 12 days journal #125

Day 7 Jus Dance- Right and Wrong

The East Bay Ecstatic are starting a Saturday night dance jam in San Francisco. KD and I ventured into the city, the land of no parking, to go dance to the mixings of our friend Ron Tofanalli. The space was great, beautiful altar, inspiring music. Not too many people yet, but they have built it so eventually we will come. For us this meant heaps of room on the dance floor. I was feeling rather introverted, just wanted to dance with Bernice. There were many contact opportunities there, and I did yearn to connect, but not enough to make eye contact, much less body contact. KD on the other hand made contact with a man named Philip, and they had an absolutely beautiful dance. With eyes mostly closed they moved round each others bodies, I watched, felt as though I was receiving a gift. KD is a beautiful kirtan dancer, she has done almost no contact improv, and yet she channelled something during this dance, she looked like a pro. When it was over she came over to me all a glow and told me how wonderful it had been, how respectful and gentle Philip was with her, just the healing my friend KD needs right now at this crazy time in her life.

Sometime later a man who I know from the dance community came over and said to her “Can I dance with you? I saw you doing contact earlier, I want to show you how it is suppose to be done.”

This idea that there is one way to do contact dance is not something I subscribe to. KD was peaved with this mans intrusion. She was perfectly happy with her heart opening dance, and felt no need to know how it was “suppose” to be done.

I love contact, no matter how it shows up, human connection through dance is the only “suppose to” that matters to me.

“Do you believe in right and wrong?” is the question in 12 days journal #124

Day 6 Jus Dance- Blue Birthday

Yesterday was Lord Krishna’s birthday. We went over for cake; danced and sung past midnight when the days fast was finally broken, and then we feasted! I attended this event with my good friend KD. A raging goddess, rocking the Hari Krishna world with love, compassion and an invitation for open eyes.

Dancing, singing, and feasting with Lord Krishna and KD was a wonderful way to complete today's commitment.

“How would you describe your spiritual belifs?” is the question in 12 days journal #123

Day 5 Jus Dance- Day 40

I have a little time before school this morning, I want to spend it catching up, alleviate the stress I am feeling because of being so behind. I am also feeling another pull. A pull to be really transparent about what is going on for me, a pull to use this space as a way of creating some ease for myself and others around my choices, and acceptance of who I am . It is interesting that because I still am back logged by 6 entries at this point, that what I write today, will not be seen for a while yet, not until I have written and proof-read the entries which come before this one...geez I hope I don’t change my mind!

If I were to be with Michael today it would have been our 40th day together. We met on June 6th, and were in contact through phone and email. Then on July 2nd he came to Nelson to get me, take me to the coast and begin working together. Up until this point I have spoken of our work relationship, but I haven’t spoken about our personal relationship. Truth is I don’t really buy into the illusion of there being a separation between these two, and certainly with us this is the case. Michael is my partner, in many ways. We work together, we are friends, and we are also lovers.

I imagine for some of you reading that last line was shocking, others will likely be laughing and saying “Well it is about time!”. I imagine there are many more reactions, and I imagine a number of those involve sadness, fear and confusion. So let me speak about some of the logistics to hopefully minimize at least the confusion. Chris and I have had an open relationship for many years. There was a time when we were “in the closet” about this, there are so many misunderstandings about what this means, often it was easier to just not deal with them. The problem with this was, that it meant hiding. Hiding has a way of taking something and turning it into a dirty little secret. There is nothing “dirty” about the choices I have made when it comes to family, relationships and sexuality, I am actually quite proud of these choices. I am proud that I am willing to look at how us human beings relate to each other, with our friends, lovers, children, and partners and admit that there is much that is not acknowledged.

There is a name that has been coined for the choices we have made for living in our truth, it is called Polyamoury; loving more than one. Not really a radical idea. Most people love more than one person. What is radical in our culture is the idea that a man can be close to more than one womyn and this does not detract from his love for either, or that a womyn can be sexual with more than one person and that this is not “cheating” so long as everyone’s needs are being met. This idea tends to fly in the face of our cultural ideas of relationship based on monogamy. Generally it takes a very big paradigm shift for a person steeped in a monogamy based culture to see polyamoury without projecting a whole bunch of attributes that do not belong to it. The biggest one for me is that it somehow lacks in integrity. Before I address anything else THIS is what I need to explain. Polyamoury for me, and I feel confident to say this for Chris and Michael and Kelly as well, is all about living with integrity, being transparent, honest, and respectful of ALL people involved. It is not about “cheating”, “having affairs”, “or running around”. It is not related to polygamy or polyandry which both tend to polarize power and permission in the direction of one gender. It is not about being “promiscuous” or “slutty” or “a player”. Polyamoury addresses sexuality, sexuality is an integral part, but polyamoury is not about having sex with whoever you want, and for me is about relating to human beings on a deeply connected, spiritual level which most often does NOT involve sex.

Polyamoury is scary, mostly because it flies in the face of the foundation of what our culture was built upon, the nuclear family. A house, lot, car, and lawn mower for every man-womyn-children unit it our western world, and we have grown accustom to this. If you are comfortable with this configuration HOORAY! I am so happy for you that you are able to live in the way you choose. I personally am not happy with this way of doing things, I find it limiting. I want to live in community where there are many parents and many children who support each other. Often in communities such as this relations tend to deepen, boundaries blur. I see this as a positive thing. Again, if you don’t that is just fine, I am not trying to convince anyone of anything. What I am doing is coming out of the closet.

I am polyamorous, so is my husband, his partner Kelly and my partner Michael. I am asking for your compassion, understanding and acceptance. If you have any questions, PLEASE ASK, I will be happy to explain that our way of being a family is beautiful, and not something I want to hide anymore.

Thank you.

“What is the hardest thing you ever had to tell someone?” is the question in 12 days journal 122

And you know what? It really wasn’t that hard to tell this one, the idea of telling was a lot harder.

Day 4 Jus Dance- Overworked

I am sitting in downtown Oakland eating sushi. I have spent today travelling, saying good bye and catching up on this blog. I am WAY behind! While I write this here on day 4 of dancing I haven’t actually even updated the site yet to let you all know what I have committed to! YIKES! I am committed though to catching up before I come home...actually I am committed to catching up before Saturday...maybe even Friday. Geez, I just want to be caught up, this behind thing is stressful! Anyway I am off to the Sweet’s Ballroom to dance. If it weren’t for this commitment I would likely spend another 4 or 5 hours on this computer catching up, so HOORAY for the commitment to dance!

As I was sitting at the Oakland airport waiting for the rental car shuttle bus, “What do you feel has had the greatest influence on your life?” popped into my mind. I have no idea where it came from, but since it just condensed in my brain from nowhere I decided to trust it, and so this is the question in 12 days journal #121.

Ok off to dance. I promise you will read this by Saturday.

Day 3 Jus Dance- Small

“Dancing through life”.

I am not 100% sure what this metaphor means. I CAN tell you what it means to me; to elegantly navigate whatever happens, maintaining grace and integrity, taking the crunchy with the smooth, accepting them both as integral parts of this life's journey. I have been told I tend to read into things, and it is possible this is one of those cases, I am ok with that. I am going to continue to ascribe this meaning to the beautiful metaphor of “dancing through life”.

It is probably no secret that dance is among my most favourite joys. It has been my solace and celebration since I can remember. I dance through life as best I can, and I consider life to be a dance, one long delicious dance of many different forms.

I love big dancing; Legs and arms pumping, flying round the room, drawing a crowd.

I also love the small dance, the kind when I can feel my own muscle fibres sliding over each other, millimetre by millimetre. I danced tonight in a slow and delicate way, my partner and I were barely moving. If I had to give it a name I might call it contact dance. There was no flying or rolling around though, only our heads were used. We slowly rolled over and through each other, sensing skin, smell, texture, moving so slowly that others watching may have thought us still. The gentle rise and fall of my chest was the most monumental of my movements. This dance may not have looked like a dance from the outside, I can tell you though that it felt delicious on the inside, and to have shared it with another, another who was also tapping into the small dance, was intimate and sweet and connected us in a way that the big dance can’t touch.

“How do you dance through this life?“ is the question in the front cover of 12 page journal #120

Day 2 Jus Dance- Continued

As yesterday slipped into today, Michael and I spent hours in the chill tent, contact dancing, and climbing up, over, and round the exoskeleton of the geodesic structure. The limitless nature of Shamabala meant I could do this without asking for permission or being asked to stop. So I didn’t stop. I swung round like a monkey, using the climbable walls to move what Michael and I had created on the floor up into another plane. The lack of limits spurred creative play and movement that I had not tapped into before. I witnessed this same phenomena all over Shambala.

There were men who I saw arrive in the Alberta-esque uniform of a Volocom tee-shirt and board shorts, who by the end of the festival were dressed in pink tutu’s, huge afro wigs and very little else. The lack of limits led to unexpected possibilities to give and receive as well.

There were altars, and sacred spaces everywhere. People left offerings on the altars, other came and received offerings. I found some candy my daughter had caught in a parade a week earlier, I placed some it an altar. A few minutes later I saw a young man enjoying some with much gusto. I told him it had come from my 10 year old daughter, he expressed gratitude to us both, “You guys fucking rock!” he said, his tongue purple from the lollipop offering.

There were art tents to create whatever you could dream up, spaces filled with art and installations, water features and of course the ever-present boom boom boom of the music in every direction.

As the sun rose I danced at the beach stage with an amazing dj that I never got the name of. The pink morning sky filled the river with millions of brilliant sequins. There were many people sleeping on the beach, cuddled up under blankets. The light had a way of making the beauty in each face shine. It was a magical experience to celebrate the last day of Shambala by staying up all night to greet it. I saw a beauty in this intense electronic music festival that I could not have known without experiencing it for myself and in this way.

Just before we left the beach stage, a womyn who had been asleep began to convulse and vomit. She was experiencing a bad reaction, presumably because of some sort of drug she had taken. It was disturbing to me, to watch her go through something that I have never even come close to experiencing, a state that I have a deep fear of. I used the term “overdose” to describe it, Michael disagreed. I suppose that like me in the jungle gym, this womyn had decided to test her limits in a limitless culture. I ended up with a knee injury and a sore lower back. I don’t know what her lasting effects will be, probably I never will. We all make our choices about how and when we will decide what boundaries define our own personal experience.

“How do you test your limits?” is the question in 12 days journal #119

Day 1 Jus Dance- To be....

As some of you may have noticed, I got way behind on the blog. I have been spending a lot of time workshoping, doing some deep work, travelling and going to school. Today though I played!

Early is this morning we walked over to the chill dome, sketchbooks, pastels and altar in hand, to run another workshop. We were both tired, and agreed that if our names were not on the workshop sign that we would take the day off. Guess what...we were not! A sign from God to let everything go, just enjoy each others company, have fun. We danced all day, from stage to stage, stopping to visit with friends, eat, and spend time together talking about our future plans. It was lovely. At Shamabals there is a definite score. It is a place to explore without limitation. There are some of course, the law of the land still prevails, but then again maybe not. There was overt drug/medicine use everywhere. My sensible mom self, my public persona protecting self, wants to dumb this down here on the blog, gloss over the topic, not express my real feeling about drugs, substances, medicine, etc. I worry you will judge me for my views.

This is how I see it. Drugs are everywhere, they are a part of the human experience. TV is a drug, coffee is a drug, heroine is a drug, sex can be a drug, food can be a drug, or I suppose I should say addictive substance. I recently was in class and our instructor asked who in the class had a relationship with addiction. My hand shot up, I figured many would, but mine was the only one. Not fair! Everyone has addictions, everyone, no matter who you are I guarantee there is something in your life you have trouble controlling. So why all this talk of addiction? Well because it seems to me that there is a belief that drugs and addiction are synonymous. This is a oversimplification and simply not true. Some people are addicted to drugs, others use drugs and are not addicted to them. I can not have TV in my house, I am too susceptible to TV addiction to handle it, alcohol on the other hand I have no trouble handling, so I keep it in my house and drink it when I chose to. Addition is a huge issue, AND it is not the same as drug use. Drug use is a big part of Shambala, people use it for all sorts of reasons, some do damage to themselves, others open their minds and create wonderful ideas, art and events. Much of the beauty and ugliness at Shamabala comes from it’s acceptance of drugs as a part of our culture. I can not judge it, it simply is.

This day was magical, and continued to be magical as the day turned to night and eventually day again...to be continued on Day 2.

“How do yo feel about drugs and drug use?” is the question in 12 days journal #118

Latest Commitment! Just Dancing!

I love to dance. I am sure most of you who follow this blog know this. It is a huge component of my life's work. I never managed to dance professionally, something that made my heart sad for a long while. Then I realized the short-sightedness of this idea of what “dancing professionally” meant. I have funnelled my love of dance away from the stage, and onto the dance floor, the therapy office, the group meditation, the pursuit of a career in Movement Based Expressive Arts Therapy.

Dancing is a key element in my chosen life’s work. Some of this work will pay off financially, this I trust. The other part of the work though, is the kind that pays in abundance, growth, and much gain which can not be tallied or accounted for with money. And so in honour of this I will dance everyday for the next 12 days.

I commit to dancing every day for 12 days. To noticing what it is I love about dancing, to be curious about where my mind goes while in movement, where the experience takes me, and using this experience to write the daily blog and question for the daily 12 days journal.

This one is going to be fun!