Day 7 Final Commitment- Road Trip Too (kinda)

5 days to do 7 days worth of work. 3 performances. One dress rehearsal. So many people to love and a year long commitment to wrap up. ACK!! Life is CRAZY right now. So lets get down to it.



October 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-10-sans-coffee-past.html Since Chris’ accident we have been blessed beyond measure to have the support team we have had. Most notably Lilli. She has held various members of our family through some crazy crazy times. We don’t exactly make easy standard choices as a family. It could have been so easy for her to judge our families ways, instead she got behind us, believed in us. She is like a member of our family, our OTHER Lilli.

October 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-12-sans-coffee-gaping.html I was halfway through this project and my edges were definitely fraying. I decided on October 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/new-commitment-not-named.html to do a commitment which is not named, which I don’t divulge to you all... and I admit I have forgotten what it was! Perhaps as I read I will remember.

October 9th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-2-committed-to-self-truthugh.html Oh my....I was having a really hard time. I was starting to worry about my weight loss. I admit that, like MANY womyn, I had ideas about my body having just a bit to much fat. I knew I was sexy, healthy, muscular and thin-ish but I was still no stranger to body image issues, I judged myself a lot. When I began loosing weight last summer I was actually quite thrilled. I liked being lighter, it made dancing more dynamic and I liked the way my clothes began to fit. I figured it was just the regular thing that happens every summer where I slim down. But by October I was beginning to realize I was dealing with something different all together.

October 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-4-committed-to-self-ohm-sweet-ohm.html I had a home again! We were about to do something that would bring much self judgement and beauty into my life. We were about to become an openly polyamorous family living together in community. This would have been tough at the the best of times...and these were not the best of times. I worked to stay optimistic though, my entries are obvious attempts to find the silver lining. Oh and while we are on the topic of my house, I want to say thank you to my mama. Life was SO crazy when she had finished renovating the house that there ended up being very little celebration of her hard work. I know mom how much you did, I am SO grateful, I just wasn’t very good at showing it. In fact I STILL haven’t made you the gift of appreciation I want to give you. Ah the free time I will have when I am done this project!

October 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-5-committed-to-self-i-so-thankful.html

I had forgotten I made this video. I loved watching it again. Maybe you will too. The thing is I want to add so many more photos, say thank you to so many more people...maybe I will make another video when this is all over.

October 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-8-committed-to-self-devotion.html I am nuts! LOL I can’t believe some of the stuff I posted! The hardest part about having posted this one was the fact that NO ONE COMMENTED for a L_O_N_G time...it felt like bringing a huge 7 foot rabbit into a room and no one saying, “Hey what is with the rabbit?”. My lovely sister K.D. commented on the blog when I told her how hard it was to submit the entry, she left this:

“Definition of Priestess for Today's Times.
Priestesses honor the cycles and seasons of nature, and of life. They learn from, and work, with the natural rhythms of the Earth, Sun, Moon, and stars. They observe and value the relationships between Earth and Sky, nature and humanity.

In families and communities, priestesses bring awareness to the way change affects life by creating time and space to honor life passages. They create and often officiate ceremonies that recognize the transitions of birth, puberty, a new job, the loss of a job, marriage, divorce, menopause, elderhood, and death.

Priestesses may counsel and support others in times of crises, transition, healing, and creation. They may assist through their prayers, meditation, deep listening, or simply being present and bringing awareness and attentive witnessing to a situation.

A priestess brings the sacred into form by connecting to Divine energy in her creative pursuits such as dance, art, writing, music, theatre, ceremonies, rituals, and celebrations.

Deeply connected to her spirituality from the inside out, a priestess may also be a member of any religion or have connection to none. She may connect to the Divine in nature just as well as in any home, church, synagogue, or temple.

A priestess makes a direct connection to the Divine from within and can apply it to every area of life.

Bernice, here, we finally have a job-description. Thank you for sharing your beauty, in all your vulnerable truth... truly we can only know God, when we can be this way... open-hearted.

Love KD”

It feels so good to be seen, mirrored by people in my life who I admire. Thanks sister.

October 17th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-10-committed-to-self-diwali.html I love me. I really do. My time in California was always so incredibly rich. The work I did at the Tamalpa Institute was so nourishing for my soul. So nourishing. It helped me find myself. This entry was written after an amazing school weekend where we went out and stayed at Sea Ranch, where we danced with the ocean. When I do this work I am so in my power, centred like a gyroscope, only staying balanced by never quite being there, it is the addition of movement which makes the whole thing possible. If I forget how much I trust and believe in myself, remind me ok. Lately I have had a harder time seeing this.

As I enter into a commitment to “Listen” October 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/latest-committment-listen-more.html ...something I STILL have to remind myself to work on each and every day, I read about mine and Michael's trip to Port Townsend Washington and Victoria, BC. This trip was both ecstatic and paralysing. The details are unimportant, or more honestly I would say I want to keep them for myself, not share. I will say though that it changed me forever, there was so much magic, so much truth. We started out road tripping, which is one of the things I love to do more than anything in the world. Michael and I had such a great drive to Port Townsend, WA. Then we danced with Vinn, this was Michael’s first time, I wanted to share Vinn Marti’s work with him. Vinn...what can I say about Vinn and his work? Soul Motion is a mystical movement ministry. His work is essential for the world... and this is why. October 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/10/day-6-listen-listening-to-mystic.html

From there we went to Victoria which was very challenging. Then we went home and I got sick...which rocks! Because it meant my entries were short ,so less reading for this weary commitment maker. This illness was where I really began to loose too much weight. November 2nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-2-sacred-space-runt.html

Tomorrow’s entry will start with the painting of our new studio. We were so excited to have a studio and we had a blast painting. It makes me smile to know tomorrows entry will start with a day where there was so much hope and promise.

“What is one of your fondest memories?” is the question in 12 days journal #353

Day 12 Committed to Self- The Love

I slept off and on for 14 hours today. I am exhausted, I WAS really really exhausted. I have felt frail lately, not strong like I usually do. That said I feel more stable than I have felt for a while. I think the last of the storm has finally abated, time to just do a little clean up.

Today, on the last day of this commitment, there was a shift. A sweet, beautiful shift. I have decided to keep the nature of the commitment to myself, keep it intimate. I will say though, that during the commitment on any given day I likely would have given you a completely different explanation of what the commitment was, and how I was feeling about it. It was perfect to give myself 12 days.... 12 crazy up and down days filled with love...lots of other stuff too, but it is the love that makes the answers clear.

“What is love?” is the question in 12 days journal #190

“The greatest thing you can ever learn is just to love and be loved in return
-anonymous“

Day 11 Committed To Self- Tired

I am flying home from school today. The weekend has been incredibly intense, I feel like a I need to sleep for a week. That is not going to happen though. I am going home to unpack the house, then leave on Wednesday for Port Townsend, Washington, to go dance Soul Motion.

With all the amazing experience there is so much to write about, art installations, passionate conversation, environmental work (going out into the community and doing improvised movement based on a score set before hand) in both a city setting and by the raging ocean. There was barely a moment where some amazing thing didn’t happen!

...and I am tired, and while not uninspired, certainly feeling a little numb. I don’t have a lot for you right now. In an effort to make this entry worth reading here is a excerpt from what I wrote this weekend. Perhaps if I get my stuff together I will also get a picture from Ue to add before I submit this.

“Oh we never do that!” she said.

I now realize, many months later, that what I saw was wistfulness. Wistful for what I wonder, fresh perspective alive and banging at the door. It was not judgement of me as I had imagined, but a soft silent plea for the days of bliss and ease. I am instantly convinced that the memories of those days bring such a strong desire for return that they are what is making her smaller and smaller, and in a pathetic sort of way, ever hopeful.“

I wrote this on a collage I made, a depiction of my ideal self as a facilitator, one that turned out to be about framing and reframing. I burnt the collage on Diwali, sent my intentions up the chimney, after I ripped off this writing that is, I have a harder time letting go of creative writing than visual art. This piece came from one glance into the eye of a man I don’t know very well, with the glance I created a story, and wrote this little snippet. I was thinking of starting a novel when I am finished with this project. Seems like such a mountain to climb though...a book, a WHOLE book!

”If you wrote a book what would it be about?“ is the question in 12 days journal #189

Day 10 Committed To Self- Diwali

The Festival of Lights, Diwali, marks the new year for some. The first new moon day that ends the month of Ashwin, it is a harvest festival of abundance. Lakshmi is called in, candles are lit, and a new time begins. This is my understanding of Diwali, and how it was celebrated by my classmates and I today at Sea Ranch on the Northern California Coast. In part of India it is also the celebration of the home coming of Rama after 14-year of exile to the forest, Sita and Hunuman by his side. In my own tradition it is another chance to set intentions in the darkness, having faith in the coming of the light reflected by the moon and the light to reflect our own journey, illuminating our growth, struggles and joy.



Our field trip to Sea Ranch was intense and transformative. The thing is I can’t really explain what we did and do it justice. We went to the rocky bluffs, and explored the environment, paying attention to impulse, our feeling, our imaginings, our environment and each other. I had alot to write when we first arrived at the exploration site, watching the convergence of water and rock, violent and sweet, intimate and loud. When I finally got the writing out of me, I began moving with the intention of “following the impossible fall line”, making the impossible possible. The sandpaper texture of the rocks made this easier because I could grip it with my shoes while also grating my fingers raw from holding my weight on the rocks. I imagine it is a strange thing to see a group experiencing the environment via movement, drawing on a huge number of resources, I imagine many of you won’t even understand what that last wonky sentence even means! Suffice to say it looks a little like coming across an improvised modern dance performance out in the middle of nowhere, that or coming across a group of crazy folk. I remember once a little girl walking past us as we we doing a oil pastel drawing in response to a movement piece we had just completed, the little girl said, “What are they doing Daddy?”. He whispered back with what I imagined to be both information and longing, “They are artists honey”. I sure did like his answer.

After our Diwali Feast we sat round drinking wine with Soto, our lone man and teacher for the weekend. We gave each other our version of a pop quiz; give your partner a theoretical setting where they might present a class, or workshop, they are to then answer on the spot what they might do with this group. The conversation got animated, a bunch of “artists” sitting round talking about their beliefs, passions, egos. I realized how much I enjoy these lively conversation, where voices raise in defence of ideas and visions. I love this about myself too, that I am emotive when I speak, that I allow my feelings to arise giving life to my words. I have decided this is something I like very much. I want to grow, learn about myself, come fully into my glory, AND I want to honour that I am, just as I am. This is perfection for this moment, perfectly flawed perfection.

I set an intention this Diwali, this newest of the new moons, to fully be myself, to own me, all of me. The me who leaks emotion over all her words, who looses her keys constantly, who speaks in poetry and with multiple perspectives at once, the one who thinks beauty is important and in everything, the one who forgets appointments and is kinda flaky. The one who sees others struggles and feels their pain, the same one who works to not take it on, and only sometimes succeeds. The one who will let dishes pile up, and spend hours on things others find silly or pointless; one who trusts her instincts and innate knowing. The one who is scared even though she doesn’t want to be and brave when she doesn’t even see it.

I will fully live as me, all of me. I want to grow but not change...there is a difference.

“Is their something about yourself you would change if you could?” is the question is 12 days journal #188

Day 9 Committed To Self- Emerge

All the self actualization in the world is not going to change that we have birth order, family of origin, cultural affiliation, economic status and conditioning, it is certainly not going to change that we are born a specific gender. I may be a spiritual being having a human experience but this demands the humanity to be fully experienced, imperative to the completion of what it is I am doing here, without it I learn nothing, the spirit is no further along. This is what this whole commitment is about, in a rather obtuse way, fully viewing my own humanity, without judgement, as much as possible, from the place of witness. It is my gender which lately seems to hold the key to my purpose.

The archetype of the Queen has been very alive for me lately. I am coming out of a period of feeling very small, like the chrysalis, full of potential but still questioning my place as a fierce warrior womyn of this time. How am I to be the Queen, take impeccable care of myself, while still honouring and supporting the King. Putting me first by only a margin to carve a way for the necessary and beloved Divine Masculine. Where is the job of the Priestess? It use to be in the temple. What happens when the temples are all gone and we Queens are too consumed with the work to build our own? This is not the order of things anyway, not according to the archetype. Within the archetypes there are some to build and some to do the worshipping, Queens lie in the middle, bridge builders.

To laugh often and much,
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,whether by a child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived----
This is to have succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is my work, I take my work very seriously. I take success very seriously. It seems to me this sums up nicely the work of the archetypical Queen...no? And so from the Queen archetype which lives within me, the Priestess emerging from Chrysalis, from this place I wrote the following poem yesterday. Written to the human manifestation of the Divine Male, the archetypal King in all his manifestations:

Winged found feet

Devotion to dance is devotion to me.
Me as the butterfly emerging, veil winged. 
Living vulnerable truth, a warrior of the heart worn out front, 
beating, beating, beating.

"How dare you!" 
twisted face,
red behind panels of frustration, and feared smallness....

"How dare you?,"
I ask, righteous, full plumed,

“How dare you show up here at my hut to be blessed,
seek me out as your Queen, your Goddess, and then tear me down out of fear?”

Courage is not the absence of fear they say but acting in spite of it.
I say it is holding the fear, facing it, caressing it and saying,
"It ok baby boy".
smoothing hair here, and ruffling it there.

Tolerate the urge to run from what you called in.
Saying you are not ready to face you, is bravery, not defeat, if only you could see this,
or maybe you do?

I love you, 
King to my Queen, 
I would be remise in my vow to you, in my devotion of you,
if I did not turn these veils upward ever-so slightly, 
catching the wind to lift me, 
and tear apart the green yellow shards of light, pulling till pink,
breaking, open at last the starry sky, 
in all its vast dark easiness. 

The view up here is simple, expected, full of familiarity.
I know this place.
Just as you do my dear King.
-Bernice Raabis

Tomorrows new moon will bring intentions of stepping forward again, into my femininity, into the dance of being lover, mother and mystic.
And so it is.

“What does the butterfly symbolize to you?“ is the question in 12 days journal #187

(This post is dedicated to KD, my fellow Shakti Bhakti sister, who sent me Definition of Priestess for Today's Times. Scroll down to the bottom of this link to read the comments)

Day 7 Committed To Self- Ekadasi

Did you know today is Ekadasi? Me neither, and even if I did, I likely would not have considered this when deciding to travel today.

I am generally blessed by the travel fairies. I have been ubber late for flights before and still made it onboard, I usually get a great seat, have been given free hotel rooms, dinners, upgrades, and free drinks. I really feel like I am blessed. Today it is a little harder for me to see it this way. I suppose I may still be blessed, perhaps some terrible calamity lay ahead, all these obstacles which I have experienced today could have been to protect me from some bigger travel folly.

I didn’t pack last night, my flight was later in the day today , so I made the uncharacteristic decision to pack the day of travel. I was ready more than an hour early. We went down to town for coffee and even spent some time chatting since we were way ahead of the game. With time to spare, and plans to use that spare time shoe shopping, we, Michael and I, headed for the border. One forgotten passport and an unexpectedly long border crossing wait meant I missed my flight, but would be put standby on the next flight. One colicky starter engine later, I sit at the airport with a ticket for a 7:10 flight tomorrow morning...sigh...where are you travel fairies? I took a cab to the airport, a 23 dollar expense in order to save myself 104 dollars. If you miss a flight Southwest Airlines will fly you standby on the next available flight so long as you show up within 2 hours of your scheduled departure time. I got here with 20 minutes to spare and am waiting to hear from Michael, who is in the parking lot of Huckleberry's (a natural foods grocery store) waiting for the darn car to start. We are going to meet back up soon, and find a place to stay, maybe with my friend Arika, who once told me “If you ever get stuck in Spokane.....”; we are stuck in Spokane. My friend KD was suppose to pick me up in Oakland, actually my plane is landing there as I type this. When I called her she informed me that today is Ekadasi, a day in Vedic astrology which is reputed to be a terrible time to travel. I will have to consult her in future when I book travel dates.



I do trust it all, you know the old “everything happens for a reason” mentality. I know this experience has lessons and opportunities, potential for growth. What I am wondering is do you think it is an opportunity to go stay at a swanky hotel, learn a lesson about great restaurants in Spokane and a growth opportunity in that I can eat a pint of ice cream while sitting in bed watching TV, try to put back on some of the weight I lost in the last month? If only I was still doing the indulgence commitment!

“Have you ever been on a trip that went very differently than it was planned?” is the question in 12 days journal #185

Day 6 Commited To Self- Midway

I am midway through this commitment. I am in a far different place than when I started. I am so grateful that I choose to make this commitment, to let it take 12 days. I am learning patience. I am so grateful to have many wise teachers to guide me in the ways of patience.

“Do you remember a teacher who made a huge impact on your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #184

Day 5 Committed To Self- I'm So Thankful

Today....
I am Thankful for breakfast with my family, in a sunny breakfast nook.
I am Thankful for Oso Negro coffee.
I am Thankful for hoards of friends coming over for a big meal at our newly refreshed and revitalized home.
I am Thankful for natures medicine.
I am Thankful for the adventures coming up in California.
I am Thankful for abundant food, water, and space.
I am Thankful for music.
I am Thankful for yoga. Bhakti, Karma and Assana especially.
I am Thankful for chocolate.
I am Thankful for dance and a dance tribe the whole world over, many of whom I have not met yet.
I am Thankful for conversations that are real and from the heart.
I am Thankful for quite times, reading and writing with family nearby.
I am Thankful for alone time.
I am Thankful for nature. Glories, chaotic nature in all it’s haphazard tenacity.
I am Thankful for little insights, glimpses into the nature and tenderness of those I love, windows of deep understanding.
I am Thankful for art in all its forms, for its ability to communicate the human condition, and help me to feel a part of the world.
I am Thankful for humour, laughter, silliness, and cuddles.
I am Thankful for the new cuddle space in my house which is always filled with bodies, bodies that know a good thing when they feel it.
I am Thankful for writing, the sweet, beautiful, blissful outlet of this page right here, where I can artfully be me. “Living artfully with the wounded self”
I am Thankful for many many many things...so many I could go on and on and on......
but I am also Thankful for time, time to live outside this page, to do things other than writing, so I will stop here for now... well right after I add one more.


(The quality is not great, a writer I am, a filmmaker I am not!)

I am Thankful for you, whomever you are who is reading this now, you. I am Thankful that I am part of your life, whatever that means for us, for you, for me. I am Thankful for all the ways you contribute to this 12 days 2 inspire project, how you support me, love me, accept me.
I am Thankful for you.

“What happened today that you are thankful for?” is the question in 12 days journal #183

Day 4 Committed To Self- Ohm Sweet Ohm

I have a home again. Well I should say I have MY home again...finally. After over 4 months of living in my mothers basement, a one bedroom suite plus studio, with 7 people, I now have my own home back. And how things have changed since I last lived here.

I met Michael On June 6th, spring had just begun, he slept here the night we met...God my mother reads this blog I can’t believe I am writing this, not to mention my daughter is a follower. ACK! This night we spent together was one of the last I ever slept here, up on the mountain in my cozy little home. Mind you it wasn’t so cozy back then, I hated it to be perfectly honest. Felt like living in a bad suburban nightmare, and not a nice suburb either. The structure itself is sound, the lay out is decent, the location phenomenal, but the outside and inside were terrible. My mother, renovator extraordinaire, came up here in the spring to renovate the bedrooms, and ended up moving walls around, putting in more windows, revamping the kitchen and redoing two bathrooms. The inside of the house is completely transformed.

Tonight is my first night back, with my newly configured family. Chris, Bernice, Michael, Ayla, Lily and Rosy. Kelly lives with her other partner in town, but has a drawer in the bathroom and a spot in the closet. I suspect she will be here quite often, that it will be her home too. Tomorrow we will host a Thanksgiving dinner for 16 people. (For my lovely American readers, Canadian Thanksgiving is on the second Monday of October). There are still plenty of boxes lying round the house, and plenty more down at my moms, but it is nicely arranged and ready for a feast.

“What are you thankful for?“ is the question in 12 days journal #182

I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful that she shares with my family the incredible talents she has. She has amazing vision, can take a sow’s ear and transform it into an exquisite silk purse. She did so with our budget in mind creating a whole new home with very little. She is resourceful and can create simple solutions. And in case you get the idea that she is an interior decorator who makes the plans, while others do all the work, I will have you know my mom is willing to get down and dirty. She can use a skill saw with precision and will make sure she is the first to use any new tool when it arrives on site. You don’t want to get between her and any renovation fun! I am thankful for a home which inspires me, one I am drawn to ”go home“ to, one like I have now. Thank you mama...from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

​
(my new kitchen)

I am also thankful for my family. I know ”my family“ normally just makes the Thanksgiving Dinner list along with “this food”, but this year is different for me. This year, as I sit and devour turkey dinner with my crew, I have a new appreciation for how fragile, adaptable and courageous a thing family can be. The last few months have not been filled with ease. They have been filled with love, joy, laughter, passion, excitement and adventure, but not ease. There have been other things too; anger, fear, distrust, misunderstanding, sadness, a lot of sadness. If I were to tell you that things have been easy you would know I was lying anyway, that or I know you have NOT been reading regularly! What I can say with complete conviction is life has been real, very very real. Learning to live with 2 other adults, while parenting, and living under my mom (did I mention the two dogs and eleven fish?) has taught me to live out loud, to face myself in ways I have never had to before, to chose my choice, even when it seems too hard, too scary. I have no idea what this winter brings with its gobs of snow and icy fun, but I am ever so thankful for the last 3 seasons. I have had a Spring to meet a new life partner, a Summer to discover one another and a fall to test our resistance to storm. On December 22nd of this year Michael will have been with us for 4 seasons. A friend once told me her mother would often say “Give it four season”. I plan to make it many many more than that. Thank you family, I love each and everyone of you and am blessed to share my life with you.

Day 3 Committed To Self- Let's Go Home

Let’s Go Home
Late and starting to rain, it’s time to go home
We’ve wandered long enough in empty buildings.
I know it is tempting to stay and meet those new people.
I know it’s even more sensible
to spend the night here with them,
but I want to go home.

We’ve seen enough beautiful places with signs on them
Saying “This is God’s House”
That’s seeing the grain like the ants do,
without the work of harvesting.
Let’s leave grazing the the cows and go
where we know what everyone really intends,
where we can walk around without clothes on.
-Rumi



I want to go home. I want to live in my home again...where I can walk around with no clothes on.


“Where do you consider to be your home?” is the question in 12 days journal #181

Day 2 Committed To Self- Truth...ugh.

Sigh...I have to tell you if I were a regular reader of this blog, I might wonder if I could handle reading it anymore. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. The strong intention I hold for this blog, an intention that crept up on me, surprised me with the sheer voracity with which I am dedicated to it, is being real. Telling you all what is REALLY going on. Sometimes I leave out the details, to protect the innocent, but the truth as I see it is here all the same, deep personal truth. So what do I do now? Now that I am caught up in this crazy storm. I posted yesterday about storming in my relationship with Michael, this is but one of the storms. Going back into therapy, storming with Michael, moving back into our house, my trip to California coming up, then home for 3 days and off to Washington to dance with Vinn, Michael, and my Soul Motion tribe.....as I type this and get to the end, I imagine myself in the room surrounded by so many loved ones, many of whom I will be meeting for the first time, I and see a light at the end of this tunnel....ahh...wow.....writing that sentence brought a physical relief, the tight heaviness in my chest let go, my lungs were able to fully expand for the first time in what seems like days. Writing is such a blessing.

This morning the idea that I lacked the tools to actually make it through this troubled time crawled through the fibres of my brain, repeated over and over, laying down deep ruts, ruts that could flip a wagon filled with all that is precious to me. I look down in this moment at the little ripped piece of paper taped to my keyboard, a new one which lives next to the old one about courage, they share a corner of tape. This new affirmation flaps precariously and could easily be torn off, seems like a metaphor to me:

“When you believe something you have made it true for you.”

I believe everything is going to be ok, this is my truth. Right now though this belief lives in my head, my heart has pulled the covers up and is hiding. My passionate, sensitive heart which has an idea that it is being judged for being just that, passionate, is having a hard to committing to faith. Regardless of whether this level of passion, of energy behind my words and actions is healthy, it is where I am at right now. I have to love and trust this me, she is all I have in this moment. I have spent most of my life with a steady hand, able to navigate conversations and situations with grace and ease, without tears, this is my default setting. Right now though I stifle tears, which rebel by emerging in my voice, I am doing the best I can, and wishing me different only serves to create distance, again caught between a rock and a hard place. Wanting to allow what is truly alive to live its way out of my body, be dealt with, while at the same time not wanting to subject myself to judgement and the possibility of more pain. I have no more space for pain, I can not put more into this cup than it holds, it just flows out all over the floor, creating a sticky mess. I know you can’t support me all the time, in fact I don’t want you to, I don’t like being seen like this. I have done myself the disservice of choosing to believe I was the only support that was safe, this letting myself be seen in my pain thing is brand new, and right now from this murky space where my perspective is skewed by tears and pain, it seems as though it has been a disaster to share. Makes me want to run away, not in body, this body needs to stick around to pick up socks and do the laundry, the rest of me though wants to run, do this on my own, the very thing I am told time and time again I need to stop doing.

Rock...me...Hard place.

I will get through this, this I know for certain. I am strong as nails, pointed hard steel created from years of NOT allowing myself to be supported. I will find balance, I will find growth, I will always be loved, I will thrive, I will fulfill my dreams...all of them. This is the middle part. I wrote to a loved one recently that he can’t skip the middle part, perhaps I need to heed my own words of wisdom.

Words that came when in the midst of the storm, written with a shaking hand and a heavy scared heart.

When all things become pain.
Eating
Crying
Breathing
Loving
Seeing
Thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking, thinking,
always so much thinking.
Numb the thinking and the body takes over,
shaking at first, sweet relief.
Till the pain moves in, takes up more than it’s fair share.
Always pain, nowhere to hide.
Pain takes away pain,
like cures like.
A homeopathic act to bring relief
and bruises.
Bruises,
outward proof of pain.
Saggy skin where soft womyn flesh used to live,
a reminder of how empty this feels.
How big a space there is to be filled,
space occupied by recycled stale air,
used over and over,
by the thinking, thinking, thinking.

I have put off posting this entry, it is why I am days behind. I plan to bury it, post three other entries right on top, hoping it goes unnoticed. It is terribly edited, I can’t stand the constant rereading which is part of the editing process, the way I whittle the entries down, make them concise. So here it is in all its misery and unedited glory, buried and hidden, but posted and right here for the world to see. This mild deception is how I am dealing with the space between the rock, and that hard hard place of telling the truth.

“What is truth?“ is the question in 12 days journal #180

Day 1 Committed to Self- Storm

I was introduced to the concept of “Form, Storm, Norm, Perform” by my friend KD. Here is the basic idea:

Form
Forming happens when people first come together. They are initially polite and the conversation is mostly exploratory, finding out about one another and the work that is to be done.

People here are typically in the 'honeymoon' period and are quite excited about the newness and potential of being in the team. Some also may be more fearful and timid, whilst others are less gregarious, observing from the sidelines more than getting in there and exposing themselves

Storm
As the initial politeness fades, people start to get more into the work and their roles and so start to argue about things that were left unsaid or not realized when they first met.

Storming can be fiercer if one or more conditions exist:

* More than one dominant person who wants to be the leader (formal and/or social).
* Unclear formal roles
* Unclear objectives
* Little or large external threat

Norm
As roles and personal conflicts are sorted out, the focus turns towards the task and what needs to be done. Objectives are clarified and the detail of work is laid out. Feeling more as a team, people start to help one another more.

Socially, group rules develop and are refined. People begin to feel like they are members of the same team and form a clear sense of identity. Internal conflict may be replaced with external conflict as the human focus turns to 'us and them.'

Perform
Finally, a steady-state is achieved, where the team reaches and optimal level of performance. A good team will feel like a happy family whilst other teams reach working agreements where personal differences are managed and largely kept under control.


This is mostly geared at groups which work together. I think though that it also applies to a group of two, working out a life together.

I belive I am in the storm....and it seems to be lasting a long time, I am afraid we will not make it through.

“Was there a time you thought you wouldn’t get through something then did?“ is the question in 12 days journal #179, because I need to know it can be done.

Latest Commitment! Not Named

Today marks the day that 12 days journal #179 goes out into the world. It also marks the day that I have 179 days left in this project. As the start date of this project was a little ambiguous, what with it starting before I knew it was starting and that it took me a few days to come up with the idea for the journals, I am deciding that TODAY is the official halfway point....I have written more entries than I have left, this feels very good.

In honour of this I am going to do something I haven’t done before. I am going to do a private commitment, one that only I know about, no one else. As it is very personal, I may or may not revel the commitment at the end. I will be calling it the 12 Days That Shall Not Be Named. If you are one of the folk who is doing these commitments along with me choose something that is personal, something that needs reflection, deep work, then do it for the next 12 days. Perhaps set yourself a commitment to ponder one thing for 12 days and to make a decision about it.