Down the Rabbit Hole

Tonight the moon will be cleansed by darkness as the earth passes between her and the sun. She will slip away from the light so that she may be new while she is also full; she will walk on both sides, or float I suppose, lucky celestial body that she is. As we watch she will turn blood red. We will feel the magic as Monday (moon day) becomes Tuesday, as the 20th day becomes the 21st day. We will be exactly 2 years from the fabled day of December 21st 2012, the day predicted by the Mayan calendar to have significance beyond that which I can explain. It is Yule, or Solstice, a holy day for me and many others. Part of the reason for this half year trip to Mexico is to better understand the significance of December 21st 2012.



Last night I couldn’t sleep, my monthly ritual as the moon becomes full. I lay awake contemplating my animal totems. Rabbit, the one I have such a hard time accepting was right there next to snake, who scares me silly, this brings me back to rabbit. Rabbit medicine is fear, this medicine is strong in my life . While I can often appear fearless, those who know me well know how I live intimately with fear. Bravery is not the absence of fear but the willingness to act in the face of it.

This morning was my first time I attempted to walk out into the Mexican streets on my own. I admit to being affected by the collective fear that has been brewed via news reports of Mexican “civil war”. I was warned by many well meaning friends not to go out on my own, they feared who I might meet. As it turns out I met God in the face of a handsome elevator repairman. As I waited to board the elevator the doors parted and there he was. He politely directed me in broken English to use the stairs. I went the wrong way. I returned to the elevator confused and slightly frustrated by my inability to speak Spanish. This is when he invited me to ride on TOP of the elevator. I peered inside to see the old bricks of the elevator shaft, the mechanical workings on top of the box, and a handsome man inviting me for a ride. Seeing the dark cave and imagining entering into its darkness with a man I do not know and could barely communicate with made my rabbit fear jump, my heart began to thump wildly.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I was scared and didn’t know how to express this, which made it scarier! On the other hand I had been invited to experience something new by a beautiful man, this was was exciting, it made me blush a little. I have not been flirtatious for months, I liked felling this part of me stir again.

I have struggled since arriving with how to be a beautiful married womyn (who is in an open relationship) in this traditional Catholic culture. I can feel how my femininity attracts attention and Mexican men often do not hide their interest. This is a dance I can navigate when I am able to communicate verbally but without the language I am left with body language, eye contact and rudimentary hand signals. Not knowing how my eye contact and body language will be interpreted I feel a little like a peces out of agua.

There were so many reasons to say NO! , but I knew there was a lesson from rabbit in this. We are in a resort for the holidays, this was not some roving predator, he was there to fix the elevator. I made a decision, steadied my nerves and stepped inside the dark shaft. I looked him right in the eyes and said “I am scared”. I owned my feelings, took my rabbit medicine and saw my fear for what it was, a tool to protect me and a reminder to consider all factors. I also listened to my other instincts. All things considered I knew I was safe.

The doors closed as the man put one hand gently on my waist to steady me. My body came alive and I felt everything. I was acutely aware of where his fingers made contact with the tight bands of muscles which run down my abdomen, how his pinky brushed against the softness of my belly. I was begin supported by this large strong man and it felt divine. In the total darkness he whispered gently, “It’s chill” in a heavy Mexican accent. The elevator descended very slowly towards the ground. I was taking my trip down the rabbit hole.

When the doors opened on the first floor we were half a story up. The man let my waist go and jumped to the ground outside. I had such a strong urge to forget my feminine grace and jump like a child to the floor where I could scamper away. I remained composed, waiting for him to get into a position where he could lift me from under my arms safely to the ground.

I turned to the man who came to teach me trust and said “Gracias” with a smile which said so much more.

I am a self assured womyn filled with all manners of medicine, snake, owl, lynx, antelope, bear, fox and of course rabbit. Together this strong medicine has created a graceful womyn who can feel fear, honour its truth, and not let it rule. I walked out into the streets of Mazatlan alone and thanked God for this day which would bring me a blood red moon by its end. Tonight I will step over and walk on two sides, rabbit and snake, side by side.

“What animal totems do you relate to?”

Day 3 Gift of Presence- Solstice!!

“The sun was born again today,
we greet the suns first morning ray,
we sing and celebrate the light,
the sun’s born in the longest night”

This is our family solstice song.


When the kids go to bed tonight they will lay out silk scarves. While they sleep the Solstice Fairies will come and and use the scarves to wrap up little pieces of nature and hand made goods. This year I watched as the fairies deliver the gifts, the girls received a tortoise shell, petrified wood, a fossil, some feathers, a statue of lakshmi, and half the jaw bone of a very big animal. I have no doubt the girls are going to be very happy with their morning surprises. I love family traditions!

“What is one of your favourite family traditions?” is the question in 12 days journal #253

Day 2 Gift of Presence- Blessed Be!

Michael and I have been having a hard time lately. There is so much love between us, yet this doesn’t seem to be stopping us from struggling to love each other the way we deserve to be loved. This afternoon I got out of school to find 4 messages from him on my cell, sweet wonderful messages filled with love. Love is not always easy, commitment can be difficult when things get really hard. Sometimes walking away is so darn appealing, and I have spent many a day lately wanting to run away. The voice recorded on my phone melted my heart and reminded me just how much I love this man who is committed, and determined, and strives to live in his highest integrity. We recommitted to each other today, spoke of our love, dedicated ourselves to our magic. I want you all to know this, I ask you to stand in witness. I can not know what the future holds, but right now I am commitment to presence so it doesn’t really matter. In this present moment I believe in the magic that brought us together. In this present moment I am so filled with love and faith that my family is flourishing, all seven of us.

I am on a plane going home for Solstice which happens at exactly 5:49 on the 21st. Tomorrow will be winter. Tomorrow Michael and I will have seen 4 seasons as a couple. It will also mark 17 times that the sun has been born again while Chris and I have been lovers and best friends. Seventeen years of growing and loving with a man who trusts me, accepts me, supports me, believes in me, and honours me. So on this last day of Autumn I give thanks for all the love I have in my life and for the two beautiful men I share this life with. It may be unorthodox, and certainly takes a lot of dedication, but it is worth it. I am so very blessed.



“What blessings do you have in your life?” is the question in 12 day journal #252

Day 10 Karma Yoga- Reality

As I sat this morning drinking coffee, eating strawberries and yoghurt, my mind again turned to what the heck I was going to do for Karma yoga? School ran for 10 1/2 hours today with a short break for lunch and dinner. I was wondering when I would find the time. This is when a passer-by commented on how yummy my strawberries looked. I offered her one. She politely refused. I persisted. After only a second attempt to convince, she acquiesced. I told her to take the one that looked the most delicious. She thanked me and walked away happy, biting into the crisp juicy berry. Before my mind could return to my karma yoga I noticed a womyn at the inside of the door of the cafe. I could see through the glass that she had her hands full, I got up to open the door. She too thanked me and walked away smiling. I decided that drastic times called for drastic measures. I took a 5 dollar bill inside and asked the womyn behind the counter to use it to cover the next customers coffee, asked her to put the change in the tip jar. She looked a little confused, but then smiled and agreed. I stayed to watch through the window but just as the transaction was happening a womyn with a stroller, occupied by a beautiful curly haired little girl, arrived, I held open the door for her. She said, “Thank you, you know with the state of the world today nobody does stuff like that anymore!” This puzzled me. I mean, I understand what she meant, but I just don’t see things that way. I am part of the state of this world and all I was concerned with this morning was how to get in my good deed for the day! I refuse to believe I am the only one, in fact I KNOW I am not. Don’t all the wonderful, magical, evolutionary things that go on every day count toward the “state of the world”? Yes, the economy is struggling, but we are more than an economy. We have been through this before. This “state of the world” is something I have been hearing about since before I could remember. I do see the tough stuff, but what of the immense beauty?

I thought of this as I moved through an exercise later in class. The score was to pick three body parts. One with which I experience ”confrontation“, I chose my ribcage. Next came my shoulder blades which I used to “release”, and finally my legs which I used to “change”. This is part of a 5 part process and is all a little hard to explain. Instead here is the piece of instinctive poetic writing which I scribbled down as soon as I had finished dancing. It is whimsical, and light, unlike most of the writing that comes from this therapeutic exercise. I wanted to share it with you.

”The state of the world today“

I have been hearing about this state since I was knee high to a grasshopper. I have grappled for as long as I can remember, to figure out what this state is? But like sand, which is so hard to see grain by grain, it jumbles together and appears fluid, ever shifting. And there must be something wrong with me, because to me, well...I couldn’t ever see what the trouble was? Water without the liquid, solid without the rigidity. So as a child I would sit on my hands, lips pursed and not tell, for fear of being told that I must change my mind. My secret, the one I knew I MUST keep was that I thought this state was so very very BEAUTIFUL!

As I grew my limitations were lifted. I began to swim...SWIM. In the fluidity of the ridgeless solid. I discovered so many footholds, stepping stones and leg-ups! Of course there were alligators too, but eventually we made friends and when they were not grumpy or vengeful they allowed me to pass. You know why? Well I do! It was because I understood the solid water in which they too did SWIM.

They knew my job was to scout, to go ahead and take a look at the state of the world which is coming. Can I tell you a secret? It is exactly the same, always has been, always will be..... and it is so very very BEAUTIFUL!

I was weary after class. I came into the room of the new place where I am staying and found a card on my friends altar. It said

”I commit myself to acting from the awareness that I am 100% the source of my reality“

I thought back to my story, the comment of the womyn with the stroller, and all the smiling faces that walked away from me at the cafe this morning. I decided I really like the reality I have created for myself.

”Do you believe you create you own reality? is the question in 12 days journal #67. A journal I will take with me tomorrow to the top on Mt, Tamalpais, for Planetary Dance, an event to celebrate the summer solstice. LONG LIVE THE SUN!!