I had to kibosh the original plan, I knew it was way too much for me right now. I was going to do art with Kelly everyday for 12 days.
Another idea was to give up something (nope, I am not telling you what it is... hee hee) for 12 days, I had to be really honest with myself and admit that this is one of the ways I am coping, to cut it out while I am walking this thin line would not be smart.
The other idea, the one other than simply giving myself 12 days to decide how to move forward with this decision, was to focus on what I CAN do right now. I have felt so limited lately. Yesterday Michael went skiing, I LOVE skiing, I chose not to go. Today he is up climbing Pulpit Rock, that lovely trail which I climbed 12 times, my second ever commitment, the first commitment where I knew I was going to do this project. He asked me if I wanted to go with him and our friend Judy. I WANT to go, but I am choosing not to. Tonight we have plans to go dancing, I have to conserve energy right now which means not doing a bunch of things I WANT to do in order to serve my larger goal of getting healthier. This has become very daunting.
I have been an athlete my whole life, even when I was stuck under nursing children for hours and not logistically able to get the outside time and exercise I craved I still had the ability. Even at times when I was a little out of shape, I could still drag myself up a mountain. This is the first time in my life that I have had to admit that I am not physically able. I mean that is not 100% true, I know through shear determination and pride I could get to the top of Pulpit...but then tonight I would want to sleep instead of going to the party, instead of dancing.....BLAH!
So...this is me grumpy. This is me with a bunch of little things from the morning and the big things of this last 6 months stuck inside my head creating a gooey yucky mood.
I had an extraordinary experience two Thursdays ago, in an instant something changed and I felt a palpable shift in my being. It was a simple thing, a lightning of the spirit, the best description I can give is that I felt like I was swimming in appreciation. Even with the struggle of this big decision I am making, all the sadness and confusion, I have managed to float through most of it in a blissful cloud. Today is my first day of feeling grumpy...I really don’t like it. I had a fantasy that this new blissful floaty feeling would last and last, overcome all, all the time...yes fantasy. Being human doesn’t work this way I realize, but it was a nice fantasy while it lasted.
Anyway in order to get back the blissful floaty feel I am going to focus not on what I can’t do, but what I CAN do, what I WANT to do. I am going to Bent Over Leather to get the rest of my Burlesque costume for the Valentines Day show I am in. Then I am going to Strutters, our local cool consignment store, to go get a couple pairs of pants...again. Remember the ones I got before, when none of my pants fit me anymore? These are now baggy in the butt...ugh...size 0 here I come.
When this is over, whatever this is and if there is such a things as over, I am going to get my booty back; my sexy round bottom that looked great 3 sizes ago...skinny is not all it is cracked up to be womyn...believe me.
Oh look I am still grumpy....BLAH!!!
Oh hey! On the non grumpy side of things, do you know what journal today's question goes into? 300!!! Can you friggen believe it?! I am almost done.
“What have you achieved that you are proud of?” is the question is...DRUM ROLL PLEASE.... 12 days journal #300 ...wow.
I hate to admit this, and hope it doesn't add anything negative to your life, but selfishly -I am really sad its almost over, please stop reminding me ;P
ReplyDelete(I just keep thinking 'ah, she'll keep it going, at least a personal blog of some sort that I can keep updated with!)
Hey Goddess,
ReplyDeleteI just had a thought about your challenge to get your booty back. And I was wondering if you've had your thyroid checked? It can ofter go out of whack when you're stressed. It requires seeing a western doctor to get it checked I think, but you can choose natural treatment with the information. I know that coconut oil is really great for balancing the thyroid. Just a thought. Love you lots.