February 7, 2010

Day 3 Decision Time- How Does your Garden Grow?

I was outside REO video store this evening when Chris made a comment to me about the public perception of him within of our blended family.

Michael and I had been grocery shopping, we met up with Raabis (Chris) in the dairy aisle. He had been at a writing workshop all day. He put his groceries into the cart and we strolled the aisles together. Raabis being able to go to a workshop on the same day I have a full day of rehearsals is one of the many perks of having 3 adults living in a house. When we had finished our grocery shop we went our separate ways, Michael and I to get veggies at the co-op, Raabis went to pick up Lily. We unexpectedly met back up at the movie store, we were dropping off Hump Day, a brilliant movie which, unbeknownst to us, addresses polyamory and the the relationship between men. He came over to my car and out of the blue said,

“You know I think there are a lot of people out there who have an idea that this living situation is something that is being forced upon me. People don’t seem to get how much space and freedom it has given me”.

Uh huh...Ugh... yes, this I know.

Mother guilt and wife guilt have been very hard to navigate through this last 8 months. In the beginning the major theme was that we were going to mess up our kids. Eight months later our children are doing great. There are still times that being “different” brings tears, but most often the kids express gratitude for how our blending has effected their day to day. The mama guilt factor is lower now for me, I am more confident in my choice; I can see the positive outcomes, rather than having to go on projected hopes for the future.

The wife guilt is a little harder. People seem more reluctant to be vocal with their ideas and stories in relation to the dynamic between the 3 adults. I suspect, I even feel confident saying “I know”, people have/had “poor Chris” ideas. I have to admit this kinda pisses me off, and it doesn’t give Chris much credit. I realize it is hard for many to not simply take themselves, their stories, their ideas and transplant themselves into our situation; imagine what they themselves would feel if they were thrown into a polyamorus cohabitating situation. This is not how it works though. We are not you. This is not new to us, we have been open for over 9 years now. We are meeting our needs in the way that works for us.

I can tell you till the cows come home that this is what Chris has chosen, that this is not him reluctantly acquiescing to my desire. I have a feeling whether you believe this or not doesn’t have a lot to do with me or what I say though, that it has everything to do with you. And since what anyone believes is likely to eventually change it is silly to even concern myself with it. Believe it or not, it is up to you.

I have chosen to believe what Chris tells me. And while he admits to having struggled at times with our new family dynamic, the consistent thing I both see and hear is that he is getting the space and time he needs. He also tells me he is ecstatic that I am following my hearts path. This is easy to believe because I know Chris loves me.

The other night, after I got the email which informed me of the choice I needed to make, I sat on the bed and cried. Michael to my left rubbing my head, Chris to my right holding my hand. They consoled me, helped me work through this seemingly impossible choice. They didn’t really advise, they trusted me, they loved me, together. Our situation is not orthodox, but it is beautiful. THIS is what I choose to see, this is where I focus, and I know that in doing so these parts of our relationships will grow. I am proud of how I tend my garden... how does your garden grow?


“What choices have you made that others in your life have questioned?” is the question in 12 days journal #301


  1. Hey lovely.. I just had a weird memory of meeting Micheal before.. was he in a spoken word collective called odditory presence that was from Victoria?

  2. Yup...that was him. How cool is that?!

  3. Having two children from two different men, and choosing not to be with either of them to raise them (kids not men). My choice was my children, because I new the men would never work out, and that is the way I chose to give my children my heart for a best start. And still fully believe in my heart the right man will appear in that moment meant.

  4. The way I've chosen to parent my children has been (and continues to be!) questioned, mostly by family. Quite honestly, I'm sick of it, and I have limited my contact with family members who are unsupportive and/or say negative things to my kids that are hurtful to them or undermine me as their mother. My kids aren't perfect, but they ARE thriving, and that's all that matters.