April 2, 2010

Day 9 Final Commitment- 6:40

I only just got off stage. I am in the green room (which is actually pale salmon). Our ensemble is really sweaty; post performance glow spread cross our faces. It is a dynamic flocking piece, improv dance theatre. Everyone else is debriefing, but not me, I am beginning yesterdays entry today at 4:14. If I can get through this and at least begin today’s I will be on track. So I am off to read.

(This picture is entitled “3 Kings”, it made me chuckle)

December 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-11-just-breathe-worst-case-scenario.html Michael was right. I engage in worst case scenario thinking. I didn’t like hearing it either. I didn’t like the way it was presented to me as the “cause” of my weight loss. This aside, it was true and looking at it full in the face helped me to turn this habit around. I am not self actualized or anything, I still engage, but I recognize it as what it is now. Thank you again Michael for what you have brought to my world.

December 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/latest-commitment-12-days-of-avoiding.html I was just under 9 months in and seriously burnt out. I took steps to remedy this with humour by doing the 12 days of Christmas and giving myself a break.

December 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-2-twelve-of-twelve.html With the floor in the studio done and only lighting and shelving left to acquire, Michael and I made a mad dash to Alberta. Like most of our road trips it was both deliriously wonderful and agonizing. I met his mama for the first time, what a trip that was showing up at my lovers mothers place while still happily married!

I managed to hide on the blog until December 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-twelve-of-twelve-bye-bye-baby.html I remember this time, there was big stuff going on, I suppose I just got tired of exposing to the world that I was struggling so much. My struggles were mostly in my relationship with Michael. How is it possible to love someone so much and not be able to get along so often? We had so many beautiful times, so many, our relationship was truly magical, yet there was so much conflict...there still IS so much conflict...Ugh! Then on this day we were told we were being evicted from our studio. It was now painted and furnished. The floor had been renewed and was beautiful, I never really loved a floor until that one, Michael put so much work into it.

December 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-10-twelve-of-twelve-dancing-men.html Ah dancing men. I included this one just so you could click and go look at the pictures. Oh how I love to see men dance with wild abandon, with passion, with tenderness. The piece I am performing this evening (and already did this afternoon) has quite a few dancing men in it. It really is becoming more acceptable in our culture, and it is about time. Dancing is one of Gods greatest gifts.

December 19th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-1-gift-of-presence-ordinary.html I felt such love in my heart when I read my own description of my appreciation for Jai Uttal, for his music and his heart. I got to read it as though it was written by someone else. I wrote about things on this blog that I have forgot all about. Writing everyday meant I couldn’t collect all the info and ideas I had written, so I got ok with forgetting, which meant I got to learn again! I learned about a book for Chris by reading my own words today, like learning it anew. What a trip.

December 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-2-gift-of-presence-blessed-be.html I can’t come up with anything to say. I feel such a swirling, incoherent, incongruent melange of emotions, feeling and thoughts when I read this entry, I can’t even begin to explain how I feel or what I think about it. I gave up trying.

December 22nd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-4-gift-of-presence-loosing-family.html We were officially evicted from our studio, the negotiation had come to an end, I had 9 days to enjoy Sanctum Studio before all our hard work disappeared.

December 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-5-gift-of-presence-under-my-tree.html On Christmas day and I gave myself this gift. This, what I am doing right now. Reading my herstory, reading this year documented, this CRAZY year. If I were going to choose the most transformative year of my adult life, this one would have been it, and what do you know...I chose it. Though I must say that going through all this reading, at a break neck pace, intertwined with road trips, performances, break ups, and Easter, has not been the relaxing, reflective process that I imagined. In a way it has been mildly traumatizing, having my shit all up in my face like this. I trust though that it is perfect, I might as well, I am not quitting. Here it is at 3:20am Easter morning, after two performances and I am still up. I am going to finish writing this entry, then go to sleep. I will edit it tomorrow, then write two other full entries so I can have Monday to do nothing but take an honest look at the last month of my life.....oh my God, Monday is going to be a trip!

December 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-10-gift-of-presence-alberta-bound.html Ayla, Michael and I were off to Alberta at this point going to the Intention gathering. It was a phenomanal experience of community and co creation. At the same time Chris, Lily and Rose were back home in Nelson suffering from what we now know was whopping cough. At the time we thought they were merely sick, that they would follow us out a few days later and spend New Year with us. As it turns out Chris and Lily stayed sick for months. Times were rough!

December 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-12-gift-of-presence-circle.html For years I have been obsessed with understanding the alchemy of the male/female relationship. I feel I need to state for the record, that if it ever seems with all this talk of Divine Male - Divine Female balance that I am not acknowledging same sex relationship, this is not the case. It is a moot point actually because I am not necessarily talking about romantic connection, though romantic connection is often the most potent union regardless of sex. I am talking about the male and female of our species understanding each other, us learning to get along and thrive! I truly believe that the time has come for us all to put away our ideas and judgements of the other sex and mover towards understanding. Let go of ideas about how “all men” are or how “womyn are emotional” using the “e” word with disdain and distrust. This work, this desire to understand the yin yang dynamic is what keeps me committed to my relationships, with both men and womyn. Commitment is something I know a lot about.

I like this tricky and fun commitment Made on December 31st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/latest-commitment-resolution.html I see how I was continually attempting to use levity to deal with how rough things were. The next day I had a miscarriage. January 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-2-resolution-angels.html. Maybe, or maybe it was a well aligned occurrence, a crazy painful moon time driven by a blue moon meeting a New Year on the Gregorian calendar. To bleed on the full moon after performing is a whole lot for me to handle at the best of times. Through in cultural and planetary significance and it is a wonder I didn’t sprout wings that night, to fly fly away. I will never know for sure, I don’t really know that it matters. Having the experience and learning from it, this is what matters.

January 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-4-resolution-mountain-sanctuary.html This entry ends on a sad note. This whole month of reading in fact was really hard. The struggles I endured seemed endless. Loosing the studio, challenging road trips, miscarriage, my entire family coming down with whooping cough. I know there was a whole lot of magic, I remember the magic. It was because of this magic that I continued to have an optimistic attitude, that or I was so caught up in it all I couldn’t see it for what it was. I don’t know. The gap between the past and present is beginning to close, I am loosing perceptive, or at least I am as I write this. I am weary and tired from doing far too much. Tuesday is going to be a good day.

“Have you endured a time in your life which was more challenging than you realized it to be at the time?” is the question for 12 days journal #355

1 comment:

  1. This was a seriously intense time...I'm so glad that you weathered this and came through. Holy shit.

    I can see what an inspiration you truth was to others to help them speak their truths.