April 3, 2010

Day 10 Final Commitment- "Chrysalis is growing thinner.."

January 5th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-6-resolution-present-struggle.html Another entry read and here I am right into the muck! Though if I read it objectively, do not get fixated on how sad and alone I was feeling, I see a womyn who decided it was time to take care of herself. I see also a womyn with a secret, a womyn who has something extraordinary going on in her life, a womyn who doesn’t want to share it fully for fear of being seen of as crazy. I know that by this time I had begun to tell friends about the myriad of symptoms that I was experiencing and that I had found some info from various friends that could explain what was going on. I am beginning to peak out about this on the blog, I am interested to see just how exposed I allowed myself to be about this transformation later on. I also see a womyn who was becoming more and more adept at staying in the moment, creating “a moment” which brings ease and comfort. My secret resolution, this 12 days commitment was to remain present as often as possible, leave the past alone and not try and come up with imagining for the future. This simple practice really has transformed my life.

January 10th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-11-resolution-community-and-sex.html Ah...finally some fucking relief! LOL The reading is less murky now. Life was beginning to FINALLY get easier. This entry is filled with hope. I was really finding myself. I can’t explain the relief I am feeling in my body after reading this entry. Tears are actually welling my eyes, tears of relief that I crawled my way out of the fear and isolation that had engulfed me. I came home to myself. I also noticed how I have become more comfortable with owning my truth. I speak openly and eloquently about sex and its importance for EVERYONE, even those who aren’t having it were made by it, it is time it stop being treated as a taboo. I know this is a big part of my work.

January 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-12-resolution-experience.html I smile when I read this one. I really do have an amazing life full of so many experiences. A pay off for saying “YES!” to the world so often.

January 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/latest-commitment-accountable.html I chose to meditate with Michael every morning and evening for this new commitment. This was the beginning of us climbing out of the messy hole we had found ourselves in. This was when I began to really feel like we had come out the other side. This meditation we used to do was beautiful, so healing. We used it as a tool many MANY times to get ourselves back to a place of love. It was hard for me to see when reading October, November and December why I stuck in there. Now I remember. The love was so deep, so bloody deep. Michael is a King and at the time I felt closer to him, more connected on a soul level, than I had ever felt to another. He was really helping me understand my awakening, helping me with the fear that drove much of the pain in the last 3 months. We were emerging from our BAM chrysalis at this point. I thought at the time that we had made it through...sigh


January 15th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-4-meditation-trauma.html Back in California for what would be my last time at school, until I return sometime in the future. Here I am expressing how I was struggling with the content I was learning at school. I was having such a hard time not bringing spirit into that room. Well that is not accurate, I bring spirit with me EVERYWHERE I go, my connection to God is inseparable from who I am. What I was struggling with was how my life/art process was one where dealing with the spiritual realm is necessary, essential, inextricable. This is not something that is the Tamalpa way, even if it is allowed in the classroom, it is not addressed on equal footing with the emotional, physical and mental realm. The truth is I don’t want to openly address my traumatic past without God, it is too painful. Living life as a way to ceaselessly pray gives me such opportunity for personal freedom, this doesn’t work without spirit. This was the major dilemma I was having with Tamalpa at this point. I still love the school, its teachers. I am still dedicated to this school and the life/art process. I trust I can find a way to make it all work out in August when I go back.

January 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-5-meditation-79.html I love it...my desire to doodle definitely began to out strip my desire to write! I was sick of writing, and having just read the last three months I can see why!

January 20th MY BIRTHDAY! http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-4-meditation-trauma.html My entire family except Michael were sick, and yet it was one of the best birthdays ever. I can not explain the relief I feel at my reading today. There was a huge shift that happened near the beginning of this month. One I was grateful for then, and am grateful for now since reading the last 3 months has been hellish! (I know I keep saying this LOL, it just feels so much better, my stomach and heart can finally relax)

January 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-10-meditation-this-little-heart-of.html Oh Michael...what happened to us? This entry confirms for me what I felt over a month ago when he told me he was leaving. I didn’t get it. I thought we had made it through. Sure we were still disagreeing but we were also doing so well at commiting to the very thing that was not going well, and it was working. In this entry I talk about how our love had matured, how we had become somewhat domesticated and how I liked how this balanced out our road tripping, dreaming, partying side. I still just scratch my head. I don’t get it baby. A quote from the entry acknowledging the hard times and looking forward with faith and more ease:

“Some of you who know and love us have seen our struggles, I am sure some of you even wondered if it was worth it, sometimes the pain was so deep and overwhelming. Thank you for loving us, carrying us when we were too confused to see clearly our path. More than anything thank you for believing in us. Your love and support has made such a difference.“

January 23rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-12-meditation-to-all-those-i-love.html Another stellar entry! I am in awe of my clarity, of my ability to express it, of how friggen far I have come. I am trying to be good to myself right now, finish this entry and give myself a break before I start on the next, so I am not going to say anymore. If you want to know just click the link above and go have a read. Read about what makes this womyn straighten her back, drop her shoulders, head held high, and own her glory. On this same day we enter Michael Land http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/latest-commitment-alternative.html Where Michael took care of writing the blog for 12 whole days.

January 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-12-meditation-to-all-those-i-love.html Oh Michael Sheely, how I love you so. So many dreams, so many beautiful dreams you have. Yet when I read this I wonder, how can you have all you have decided you want in your life without there being room for the individuality of me? I did not come as a blank slate. How can we follow our own path and make it possible to love who we love and not demand of them adherance to what we have predetermined we want? I read the words of a man I love, a man I am commited to, a man who I am presently not even speaking with, and wonder, how did this all happen?

January 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-5-michael-land-drop-funk.html Michael and I were often having very differnt experiences at exactly the same time, even when together. This day was really hard one for me, I was getting really really skinny. My awakening experince was really peaking. When I would be in meditation and begin to go really deep, a process I call journeying, I would begin to drop into such a deep place within that I feared not coming back. I imagine this to sound very esoteric when being read, the experience itself is a whole other thing, it was really bloody scary. I was actually afraid of dying at this point. Even went looking for my friend Richard for guidance. I read Michaels words of this same day and I see we were in very differnt places. He speaks of us being at the Ashram. Had I have written this entry I would have told you how I sat in the book store reading ”Kundalini Rising“ and cryed, while he wandered round the aisles ignoring my sobs. I would have told how we went to sing mantra in two different temples, of how I sang out to Shiva and Tara, looking for answers, pleading ”please help me understand what is happening!“. I left the ashram in peace and was able to then start the work of reconnecting with Michael. I gave him a gift, held his hand, massaged his back and eventually he let go of his ”funk“ long enough to speak to me, though the affection was not returned as much as I had hoped. How? How could we have such different experiences? How could we be so disconnected when the evening before, the night he recounts as us ”making out“, was actually deeply connected through love making on a deep spiritual level where we found God in one another? I shake my head, I don’t understand.

January 29th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-6-michael-land-two-line-poems.html This entry makes my heart sing and my eyes tear. I don’t know what else to say except... January 30th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-7-michael-land.html Did you forget?

The reading for this entry ends perfectly on Michael’s very last entry. Febuary 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2010/01/day-7-michael-land.html I remember an argument we had during this 12 day period, it had to do with a knit-a -thon and Pulpit Rock. We sorted that argument out by honoring where each other were coming from, understanding one another. I remember thinking when it was over, and we were in each others arms, that we now had the skills to create a realtionship that was easy and limitless. I was so proud of us. This last day of his contribution to my written art installation was a beautiful day. I saw Michael shining, having had the experience of putting his words out into the world, reclaiming his vision and purpose out in the open. It was such an exciting thing to witness him in his glory.

I read your blog baby. I want you to know that I love you. Thank you for all you brought into my life. Follow you dreams brother and we will come together in some regard again when it is meant to be. Who knows what will happen. There are two answers in life, ”Yes“...and ”Not Yet“. Right now things seem to be hanging out around ”Not Yet“ for us. I trust our connection is Divinely inspired, that we were brought together in such deep love for an awesome purpose. I am excited about that purpose.

Right now though....right now I am going to go and enjoy the outdoors, Nelson and myself until this evening when I tackle my second last entry ever (kinda).

”What is your lifes purpose?“ is the question in 12 days journal #356

1 comment:

  1. To live well. What that means can sometimes change and shift, but I think it still all boils down to that.