May 6, 2009

Day 2 New Friend- Ghosts

I saw a movie recently, in it is a line I just can’t get out of my head. The lead character, a player to the nth degree, says in regards to relationships, “the one who cares least has the most power”. I hated hearing this, mostly because it is true. Especially since I am one of those bleeding heart types. I do my best to be honest in every encounter, couple this with the fact that I have a huge capacity for love, and well I often end up being the one caring more. I have spent the majority of this day on this computer. Various email exchanges, some supportive, some messy. When I walked into the cafe, I should now be paying rent in, I saw a man sitting at a table the minute I came in. He met my eyes, said hello. I was muddled, confused and had the better part of a difficult email in my head. I wanted to get it down, send it away and not engage with anyone until I did. Ironic no? Given that I am trying to have conversations with strangers and here is this man totally willing to take on that roll and I am avoiding him. I kept my head down, hiding. He persevered. Came closer. Tried starting a conversation. At this point I had just received a response to my difficult email. My heart sank, tears welled, I thought “not here, not while I am being watched”. Then I realized I had to go move my car or be ticketed, I asked him to watch my things while I did. When I came back in it was inevitable, the conversation began. All he wanted from me was to talk, just human connection, and I was resistant because I was stuck inside my roller-coaster world. In the beginning I felt like I was being “nice” by talking to him, someone who seemed to be in need of connection. But ya know what? I felt so much better after our conversation, I had more clarity, and he likely saved me from adding a few (more?) four letter words into my email, which I compose once he left. I decided to care about this stranger, and it turned out I was giving care to myself. So perhaps caring more may leave us with less power in some ways, but in others it seems to be the ultimate safety net. In the short term it may give me less power but in the long run it means living life with honesty. I could choose to manipulate, doling out only parts of me, anticipating what the result might be given a select persons impressions of my words, admitting to only half truths, not accept responsibility for my part of things....naw that is too much work, takes too much time especially since I have a lot of loving to do.

The second Open Heart Letter was received today. I got the following email:

Your treasured experiment arrived in my mailbox today my dear curly-haired sister...and I am blown away.

Blown away by your beauty, your curiosity about life, your endless creativity, your divinely whimsical spirit, your deep, earthy love, and your gifts you are sharing with the world on this "12days2inspire" journey.

My eyes got glassy and my heart warm with joy reading your letter and blog entry. Gratitude pours forth from eyes and heart dear sister. I am deeply honoured to be chosen to participate in this incredible experiment. The more and more I discover about you, the more and more I know our sisterly connection goes well beyond our curly hair...but it was a fun place to begin, wasn't it?

Blessings to your dance Bernice...

And big, big, big love to you!


This makes me so very happy...sigh. Then later she emailed me and we set another commitment for me to adhere to until this commitment is done. Like a big sister she knows how to support me in supporting myself. Thank you sweet one.

So I am now taking my butt of this computer, away from the woes of substandard communication mediums and am going to dance myself into love love love and care care care.

Oh I almost forgot. My stranger come new friend of today, Keith, received 12 days journal #23, inside is written “How do you feel about honesty?”....I was surprised with the question, and told him so. He didn’t seemed surprised at all. It occurred to me that perhaps I had misconstrued the situation. Here I thought I was talking to a man who needed a connection, perhaps it was the other way round? Perhaps he had intuited that *I* was in need of connection. Thanks for the chat Keith, and happy dancing!!!


  1. Honesty. Shit. I need some work there. With myself and others, I learned at a young age that the real reasons for whatever I was doing were not good enough and so I made shit up to justify. And boy did I run with that. Every day I work on being more honest. It's not just about breaking a habit, it's about knowing that I am important. I AM IMPORTANT.

  2. I have always said that I would rather be hurt by the truth than hurt by a lie. Hoo, baby, be careful what you wish for! You put THAT kind of statement out into the universe, you'd better be prepared for what comes back to you! I was nowhere NEAR prepared. It's been hard, and painful, giving the people who love me the kind of love that will allow them the freedom to tell me what's REALLY on their minds and in their hearts.

    What helps, though, is that I choose my friends pretty carefully, which means I don't have many, but the ones I do have, I have complete and utter faith in, that they will speak their truths to me with kindness and gentleness. That helps A LOT.

    My lesson: Speaking one's truth doesn't have to be quite so difficult and painful if it's done with kindness and gentleness. When I know I have a tough truth to speak, that's what I try to do. And I'm finding that others are trying to accord me the same respect. I love that!

    Thank you, Bernice. :-)