May 15, 2009

Day 11 New Friend- Fighting For

I read my Open Heart letter to myself last night. I succumb even though the timing was not right, kids running in and out of my room. I think I may have done this so the words on the page couldn’t get all the way through my ever so sensitive skin. My words touched me, but I turned away from their full power, they merely glanced off my heart. I have been quasi ill since last week when I was in California. This odd illness comes and goes, I get tired and achy, my ears fill of fluid, my throat swells up with a burning that makes it hard to swallow. Makes WHAT hard to swallow I wonder? This colicky illness lingers, refuses to either leave my body or take hold of me in the relegated to bed sort of way. I was turning a blind eye to the distinct possibility that it is emotionally based. This morning my friend Roland asked, “Is there something emotional you have yet to deal with, to speak about, that you that you are avoiding?”. Well DUH! This mystery illness started right when I closed a door in my life. A friend once asked me if I wanted him to fight for me, I was struck by this bold and concise question. He has a knack for those kind of question , it was a similar one which started our friendship, back when he was a stranger. It was liberating to be able to answer, “Yes! I do”. I am a fighter, always have been, must be locked deep in my genetic code. Last week when I shut a door, i gave up on a fight that I realized was no longer serving me. Giving up on a fight is not easy for me, especially given my kind of fighting is not done against but rather FOR things I believe in. I have been mucking round in a bit of a melancholic inertia since I came home. Like my illness, not quite taking hold of anything, but also not moving forward. I decided I needed to do something about all this. I had tried feeding my illness sugar and wine to push it into full flourish, a deliberate poisoning, with no luck. Today I tried something else. Marching myself up a mountain, perhaps this would help move things through. I marched up the trail, still feeling my symptoms. Thought about my letter to myself, the fight I had thrown the towel in on, my mystery illness, and remembered something I have written so many times, in so many journals. That no matter what the circumstance , this choosing of me, getting out, breathing deep, taking the time. This always makes things clearer. This is a big part of how I fight for me. I seem to forget it as often as I write it, luckily I also rediscover it time and time again. The fight I gave up on was not working because I had forgotten to include myself in the equation. A fight “for” anything can not succeed unless the heart of the fighter is cherished. Walking up the mountain today was a recommitment to my fighter spirit, and a reminder that my heart is my strength, and worth fighting for! I am interested to see how my commitment moves this mystery illness.

Thank you to everyone who is commenting on the blog, it is adding a whole new dimension to the project and is inspiring me in my writing. I read a comment by Rob-a-tron once I had come down from the mountain. In wondrous synchronicity he mentions “doing ones best”. Which is one of the four agreements as laid out by Don Miguel Ruiz .

The four agreement;
  • Do your best
  • Be impeccable with your word
  • Don’t make assumptions
  • Don’t take anything personally
When I went up the mountain today I took a journal on the chance I would meet a stranger. I met a man whose name I never got. A man who had a quote from the constitution tattooed on his arm. It was a beautiful quote which I wrote on the first page of 12 days journal #32. Chris and I chatted with he and his hiking partner, a womyn I had danced with before. Just before heading down I asked them if they would take the journal, they gave me an enthusiastic “yes”. I had to come up with a question for the journal on the fly, as I had not decided on anything yet. I was thinking about his tattoo, something obviously very important to have had it tattooed on his forearm. I thought about what words could be used to sum up what I believe, what my mantra was. I quickly scribbled “What is your mantra?” in the front cover. Buried deep in the journal I wrote the 4 agreements and one other thing that I am going to keep for myself.


  1. You have inspired me to take up my own secret project. Its not a 12 day thing. I am thing longer term in order to see the effects.

  2. "Flow River Flow" is one of my personal mantras

    If I want to throw that mantra at someone else, I answer their question with: "What would the River Do?"
    oh yes i can be saucy sometimes.

    It works equally well for putting myself on the spot...
    swim ego swim. the currents too strong for you
    enjoy the ride, see you at the ocean.

    "The Ocean accepts all Rivers"

  3. I have so many mantras, things I repeat over and over to get me through tough stuff. One is live your life, another is I am me. And I am sure as soon as I close the computer to go to bed I will think of tons more but I must resist the urge to write more tonight! Night, night don't let the bed bugs bite!

  4. This is going to sound silly, but sometimes when I find myself behaving in ways that I don't like (too impatient with the kids, for example), I will mentally stop and ask myself, "Ok, so what is REALLY bothering me?" It is never about whatever negative stuff the kids have been up to, there is usually something else weighing on me. Once I identify what that is, I'm then free to interact with my kids the way I normally do, the way I want to.

    I also give myself permission, if I'm not sure what it is that's bothering me, to say, ok, I will figure this out later when the kids are in bed or gone or whatever, but for now, I will choose to shelve whatever is bothering me and be present in THIS moment, and leave the negative stuff for a moment when I won't take it out on someone I love who doesn't deserve that.

    More literally, my mantra lately has been "Shivaya namah om namah shivaya." I have a Dave Stringer CD with it on and it amazes me anew every time that I listen to it and sing along with it how it can so thoroughly and completely transform my negative energy into something positive.