This entire 12 days I have had countless people I have wanted to send a letter to, but today, the last day, the last letter, I can’t come up with anyone who seems right. Don’t get me wrong, there are a likely hundreds more people who inspire me, who I would love to tell how they have made a difference, but none seem appropriate right now. As I sit here I know there is only one person I can send a letter to today, and that is me. I have done this once before, while attending the Hoffman Process. It is quite an experience to receive a letter from your self, you should try it sometime.
I inspire myself, I love who I am and I am a wonderful person. This is true even in moments, like right, now when I don’t feel inspired, when I don’t feel wonderful. Feelings are the single greatest gift that God gave us. With out them life would be a monochromatic experience, a black and white film with no story or message. Feelings can not be controlled, what we choose to do with our feelings can be, but not the feelings themselves. The thing about feelings is when experiencing an overwhelming one, it is easy to be tricked into believing it will feel like this forever. The feeling I have at THIS moment, is one I want to go away. It is painful, feels heavy as though getting out from under it would be impossible. If I really let myself go I could believe that I will never feel ease and joy ever again. Luckily I have my mind, my logic, my witness, my yippie skippy happy outlook on life, to tell me this is not true. What I will also have in about a week, when I am home from California is a letter to remind me that no feeling is forever. That they are gifts but as a life time of Birthdays’ has taught me, the gifts I get are not always the gifts I want. I may not have wanted today, but I do know that it was a gift....hmmmm.....I wonder what the return policy is?
12 days journal #21 will be mailed from Fairfax, California to Nelson, British Columbia and inside will be the question “Have you experienced a time where a situation seemed like a curse, but later you saw it was a gift?”
Once again, I have to go back Ian's birth and death. Bringing a child into the world, your very first child, knowing the entire time that you will have to let that child go, that feels like the worst of curses.
ReplyDeleteThe four days I had to hold him, love him, force myself to open up my heart to him and exchange that love, even when I knew it would only make it that much harder to let him go, THAT was truly a gift.