June 30, 2009

Day 9 One on One- Day in the Lives

8:30 ish a.m.- We woke up on the side of the highway. We stayed just north of Esalen last night, in the spot where I have slept many times before. Chris is agitated, loopy, forgetful and preoccupied. I am cranky, my back hurts from sleeping on the crack of the mattress. The kids seem fine, though they are pushing buttons, sensing we are not at our best. We sat on the tail gate of the truck looking out at the ocean before leaving, my morning ritual whenever I sleep in this spot. I was hoping to show the kids passing whales or dolphins, but the ocean is calm, there is little to see.

10:00 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.- We are stopped at Fernwood campground to get coffee and for me to use the net to submit Sundays entry. I will submit yesterdays later, and this one hopefully tonight . Being back on track will feel good. Chris reconnected with Kelly after days of being out of communication. I was hopeful for a call from Michael but this hasn’t happened so far. Chris is still really antsy. He broke down and told me that he is having a hard time. Last time he was in Big Sur it was right before he went off the deep end. He was battling serious suicidal fantasies when here last, and being here is bringing all those feelings back up. What a terrible thing to have to experience. We bonded, cried, and decided to skip the beach and go to Carmel instead, as it is a cloudy, windy day.

12:20 p.m.- Yelled at kids. Wonderful one on one time. I get so frustrated! Lily and Rosy don’t fight much when they are not with us, but put them in a room with their parents and they go at it. They claimed to be fighting over a sticker, it had nothing to do with a sticker in reality. I hate this family pattern, but I am at a loss as to what to do about it. Sigh.

SIDE NOTE: I just realized that I have only ever done one of these time line style posts before, it happened to be on this exact stretch of highway, the only other time I have been on it during this project....I was not conscious of this when I chose to do today’s journal in this style...how very interesting.

4:00 p.m. - After driving around Carmel by the Sea and deciding our huge diesel truck and camper was far to stressful to have round 100, 000$ cars on narrow old town roads, we ended up at a suburban style mega mall. This tuned out well for me as my trusty Mac needed care and there was an Apple store in the mall. I got a “genius bar” appointment and the family hung in the Mall of America for a while. During my appointment they played with all the Ipod Touch’s, and on the GIANT kids Mac that is filled with games. They loved it! After determining that I needed a new battery which cost 130 bucks (bummer) and that Mac would replace my keyboard and top case for free (Hooray!), we were off to Whole Foods to buy dinner then to the beach for a picnic.

5:30 p.m.- Sitting out front of Whole Foods, waiting for Lily and Ayla. They stayed back at the main part of the mall while we came over here to shop for a picnic. They are on a dedicated quest to find skinny jeans while here in the States. They have Chris’ cell and are not to far from us, but it has been a while since they called and said they were coming over. I get kind of freaked out in big cities when it comes to my kids.

6:45 p.m.- Holy Cow! I just finished having a complete emotional break down. The last hour I have been tied in knots, worried about Ayla and Lily. When I called them back over an hour ago, the phone went straight to voicemail. This is not unusual for Chris’ phones. His phone has always had an uncanny ability to not work for a myriad of reasons. Both Lily and Ayla are very responsible and street smart, so I was trying to remember that there was likely a very good reason for them not showing up. But as time ticked on, I had a harder and harder time not imagining unthinkable stories, things I can’t even write here. Chris had gone off to look for them, Rose and I waited in front of Whole Foods, I tried to maintain composure. Finally I got a call from Chris. They are fine. They mixed up the plan and were back at the computer store waiting for us, unaware that the phone had died. As soon as I found out they were safe I lost it, cried in heaving sobs. I can not even imagine what a parent goes through when their child goes missing, an hour was agony, to think some go years or lifetimes and never get that call that brought such relief. We are now going to the beach, perhaps I will stop intermittently dissolving into tears by the time we get there.

8:00 p.m.- We just left the beach. What a lovely, simple, and deeply satisfying activity. The kids ran in and out of the backwash, Chris watched the fisherman, hoping for a catch, while I scoured the beach for treasures, joined occasionally by the kids. Beachcombing is one of my all time favourite activities. I can and have spent hours collecting rocks, sea glass, seaweed, and any other treasure I happen to find. In less than an hour I collected a whole bag of sea glass, the beach at Seaside was a sea glass bonanza!


The last 12 hours have been a crazy ride! From grumpy, to processing family patterns. On to the business of taking care of this machine which contains every entry I have ever written and many other pertinent bits of my life. Then suddenly consumed with terror for my children's safety, NOTHING else mattered. Finally ending with a serene meditative treasure hunt on a beautiful California beach. Just a day in the lives of the Raabis’!

“What pastimes do you enjoy which have a positive influence on your life?” is today’s question for 12 day journal # 78


  1. luv the thymeline style the mostest! xoxo

  2. Favorite pastime? Sitting at the feet of my friend B ... whether in voice or written word ... I've been a mess reading these, God I miss you!! ruthie

  3. <3 Ruthie...I would love to sit at your feet for a while too, where I have learned much in the past.

  4. Kirtan, music (creating and listening to), writing, reading, walking labyrinths, playing--not hanging out with or watching, but actually PLAYING--with my kids and journeying with them in their own little worlds (they have amazingly fertile imaginations!), singing, laughing/joking with friends and family. These are many of the things that make my life happy and full.