June 5, 2009

Day 8 Asking For Help- Waiting Game

I don’t even know where to begin. Writing seems next to impossible as I float ‘round this bliss bubble. I danced with The L.O.V.E Collective last night. They managed to create a safe container in which to explore a variety of emotions, including some not generally accepted on a dance floor. We danced filled with joy, then screamed out in anger. There were moments of confusion and moments of cohesive group movement. All this was created without a leader, no one dictating movements or choreographed steps. The collective created an atmosphere, guided and held space seamlessly. Their love, trust, and honouring of each other was palpable. Having not experienced a full buffet of dance tribe members in nearly a month, it was a gift to be caught up in movement, in a room filled with community, feeling safe in pushing boundaries... it was a pretty gosh darn good time.

I spoke afterwards with the groups big brother member. A co-creator who rejects the label “leader”, acknowledging that this group is far greater than the sum of its talented,visionary,compassionate parts. He gave me the question “What do you want?” for 12 days journal #53. A broad question with a medley of possibilities, an invitation for juicy and rich answers. His answer were spoken to me, not emailed, so I will have to repeat them as best as I can. It went something like:

“I made a list, a literal list, had a friend write it out for me. I asked for a connection, a deep soul connection with a partner, who understands my capacity for limitless love. I want to connect with a womyn who is not afraid to stand in her own power, who is ready to take on motherhood. I want to find a community, a family who accepts my non traditional ideas. I want communication to take a lead role in this community. A community who is passionate about empathy...“

The list went on.

I have heard arguments both for and against ”the list“. Some say it is too narrow minded, others say it is imperative to be specific when asking the universe to fulfill your desires. I was not entering into this debate. I was too rapt, enthralled by a man who speaks passionately about calling in the love he desires, unabashed, no apologies. Committed to commitment, to finding a family that fits him rather than fitting himself into the popular notion of family. A man who was willing to ask ”what do you want?“ and would accept any answer, whether it was on a metta level or an answer regarding what I wanted in my coffee.

So what did I want last night? I wanted the conversation to last forever. I had sent out a sort of list. Not on paper, but I asked God for someone to have a deep soul connection with, someone to talk to who would understand my mother tongue. I asked for a dancer. I felt him circling all day, got the familiar head ache which often accompanies shifts in my life. This new friend, is someone who I bonded with the minute I walked into the dance space. I had no idea he was part of the collective, I just saw him and knew we would be friends. We spoke for hours after the dance, and today sat close at coffee with my children. Rose asked if I had known him a long time. I explained to her that he was part of the extended ecstatic dance tribe, that when we meet each other there is a knowing, a language spoken with the body through movement. Yes she is 6, and maybe didn’t ”get“ this in it’s totality, but understood it well enough. Michael is leaving tomorrow, the L.O.V.E collective is on their way to Alberta, and is touring ‘round for the summer. Thank you all for what you brought to our community.

I will see you soon Michael.
Picture of our crew at coffee this morning. There were three journal recipients at the table. Anthony with #50, Michael with #21 (I hadn’t made #53 for this entry yet so instead I gave him the journal I sent to myself from California), and Dan with #52.


  1. Dear Magdelen ,
    Hi momma Its me and I am ready to give you a question. The question is inspired by how much you care for me and how much you give me. I got to thinking about what I give back. And so the question is "How are you a parent to your parents?" I love you momma with all my heart! <3
    Love A

  2. I want as many answers in my life as questions. I fully realize that the answers will likely change and evolve as time goes on, but I find it difficult to move forward without at least an inkling of an answer as to where I'm going. I can start walking and see where it takes me, but at some point, I start to see where I am going. Right now, I've been doing the "start walking" part, but I'm ready to finally have some answers and some sense of where I'm actually walking. I don't care if the destination keeps changing, as I suspect it will, just so that I have some clarity. That's what I want, right now, in this moment. To have some idea of what the next one will be and where it will lead me.

  3. ROLAND Says:

    The experience that your inquiry into the true nature of the cosmos and the self brings me; it is so bountiful, open, raw, candid, beautiful and true; that i feel liberated by being a witness to it, drawn to participate, and in me it arouses deep trust in the process that unfolds naturally in the time i spend with you...

    i also inquire into the nature of things, but am sooooo private with it as many don't want this intensity of openness - i want people to have seclusion and privacy if they need it. however i feel i have closed somethign off in myself to protect others - what madness that is hey?!?
    Luckily its just another stage on the path;
    with you i'm reminded that i can be open as i'm meant to / and learn by going forward. The ~~ Invitation ~~ is so appreciated in total gratitude Bernice, that i hardly know where to start. It resonates so deeply in me i am reminded of something; healing as a path and vocation - even when i am still so.... imperfect myself. It almost draws me to put my primary beloved vocation on hold (photography) to do it. The ideal is to merge them though!!!

    You are one of the few who i can feel, hear and see has realized the nature of love in all it variations; how it grows, pushes, pulls, cajoles, squishes, warms, exposes, meanders with a dream compass, multiplies, claims, unifies, invites freedom / releases, empowers, and inspires a restoration of equality wherever it goes.

    I second your motion for a empathetic, communicative community of non-traditional and yet somehow eternally realizing & reflective nature... Let's learn by doing it!!! we are the seeds, the water, the earth...

    I want to live / travel with the l.o.v.e. collective!! it feels like the family i never had! Like theatre only more experiential, process-driven, more flexible & with radically less pressured, rigid expectations upon facilitators (which can then drive narcissism / self-loathing and the corresponding stage fright!!)

    When you need answers for your questions; know that those answers exist in the cosmos, and within yourself. TRUST that you are meant to find them and don't give up your awareness of this need! Be willing to listen to to your gut instincts; allow the comsos to solve the poroblems you can't, move as your true feelings draw you and repel you. Sometimes the people around us and ther collective consiousness cannot help, but the cosmic consciousness of the entire universe and your "inner" self is loving and good right at the root, you are meant to realize answers.
    And the answers - when realized - DO satisfy deeply!!
    When we realize them; we feel very free, light-hearted, nourished within, capable and we gain deep, deep willingness (courage even when afraid) for the present and the next questions of the future. Inquiry into the true nature of things is a profoundly rewarding process and over time brings into focus our very real destiny; it is a path we truly enjoy once we realize our "way" (or Tao)... Ask Away & Have Heart!!

  4. Wow Roland, I am speechless, thank you for acknowledging me. I am so filled with joy to have moved you in this way.

    I DO get to go live and travel with the LOVE collective! It will only be for a week but I was just invited to do 2 shows with the group, both on the coast. I am THRILLED at this opportunity.