Today I have had to make some tough choices. I suppose in the grand scheme of things they are not such a big deal but they feel big to me today. I had to choose to leave dance this morning to go do my karma yoga. It was all in the flow actually, I danced until the music got wild, and the room pumping. Then stepped outside when I wouldn’t be missed, right behind the dance dome is the farm, I danced over and weeded with my friend Tarick for 45 minutes. Then went back into the dome. While the conversation and weeding was fun, and the yoga fulfilling, I was sad about missing the middle part of the dance, it served to separate me from the group. Now I sit in the atrium, the afternoon session started 36 minutes ago, I just finished making journals, and am now writing this entry. I am choosing this project over dance, again fulfilling and I would say telling of my commitment to the project, but I am sad. I feel disconnected from my tribe.
“Has there ever been a time when you had to make a tough decision?” is written inside freshly prepared 12 days journal #63.
So I did make a tough decision today, but partly this was to make it so I wouldn’t have to again. I am leaving tomorrow evening. I will not write an entry until after I get home to Marin. Having chosen to do this project today, I am now choosing to dance my but off as much as I can, with no interruptions till late tomorrow night.
I have a stack of journals to give away before I leave, that part should be fun!
I guess I've already shared this and apologize for being redundant, but the toughest choice I ever had to make was when to take my infant son off of life support. He had a genetic disorder that would make it impossible for him to breathe on his own, but because they had to pump as much oxygen into him as for an adult just to keep him going, they warned that continuing in that way presented the very real danger that one or both of his lungs would burst.
ReplyDeleteThe was no question that we would choose a gentle, painless death for him over something as horribly painful as a ruptured lung, but the agony was deciding when. Since I was also so sick during his four days of life, I choose to ask him to hang in there until I could get my own condition stabilized before doing right by him. He seemed to understand. The morning after my last fever broke and I was feeling like I was finally on the mend, he let me know he was uncomfortable and needed me to let him go. That afternoon, I did. By far, the toughest choice I've ever made.
Again, apologies for being redundant! His birthday is coming this Thursday (June 18th), so he is very much at the forefront of my mind this week. I'll be doing a memorial blog for him, telling his story, if you are interested. :-)
I always try to do it all to avoid having to make choices. Sometimes this works and sometimes I miss the full experience of any one thing. One day years ago I had an enlightening experience about this. I was on a ferry to Vancouver island, going to a party and barn dance in the Comox Valley. It was beautiful out there on the water and the event was sure to be fun. Then I realized I was thinking about what I might be missing in Vancouver and was totally distracted from the present experience.
ReplyDeleteSo I see that making a choice and fully living that choice is more valuable than trying to be everywhere at once.
I twice had to make a tough choice: when I left Britain to live in Canada, and when I left Vancouver to live in Nelson. Each time I had to leave people behind but each time in those cases the choice was clear, I knew it would happen and all the mental anguish over it was just a process that had to be gone through, but did not affect the inevitable outcome.
Please don't apologize, write about Ian every day if you want to Angela. And yes I AM interested, please send a link. I love you, you are so strong.
ReplyDeleteSweet Bernice, I'm delighted to be following and supporting this project. It's a very cool one, and I am intrigued to see how I'm invited to incrrease the commitment in my own life. Your girls are gorgeous, as is their mom. Thanks for your willingness to share this journey in such a rich and deep way. I send you much love. Namasté, Margo
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