June 7, 2009

Day 10 Asking For Help- Angel

Another entry written one day late! This is it though , I AM going to write 2 today and get caught up. No more howling at the moon, time to be responsible. Which brings me to the question sent to me for today. It was sent by my eldest daughter Ayla. An unimaginable blessing who found me about 15 years ago. She circled me from beyond for a little under a year before choosing to be born. I was a feisty 20 year old who was travelling the world and was “never going to have kids!”. I know now it is not us, the parents, who do the choosing. I felt her coming, started looking at babies on the bus and imagining how I would mother. I started trying on clothes, turning to the side to see how they would look if I were pregnant. This was not conscious, when the conscious thought of becoming a parent crept in I would react out of hand with many a rote and cliché statement,

“I am too selfish to have kids”

“I wouldn’t bring a child into this world the way it is”

“There are too many children in the world without parents, when I am ready I will adopt”

Not that these aren’t valid statements, they just ceased being valid for me the day I came to find I had a baby growing in my belly. I discovered I was pregnant in a McDonald's bathroom in the bad part of Melbourne, Australia. I was scared out of my mind. While I loved her father, I knew we couldn’t be together. I wanted to go home. I wanted to know what I was suppose to do. I wanted the world to stop so I could breathe, figure out how I was going to do this, be a mom at 21. I was caught up in a typhoon, I felt like I didn’t know anything. Well that is not exactly true, I knew one thing for sure. That this baby chose me, that she would change my life forever, and that I would do ANYTHING for her. Ok technically that may be three things, but you know it was a knowing of all three all rolled up into one.

Sweet Ayla Bayla Boo was born, August 19th, 1995. On this same day I went from being a girl to being a mother...the womyn part came later, with much help from her. I often wonder between the two of us who is the parent. She is ultra responsible, insightful, and giving. She has taken care of me countless times. To be honest she may very well have saved my life. She woke me up, and insisted, in her gentle way, that I choose to live consciously. You can imagine when she handed me my computer, for me to read the following, how the tears welled. She is just such a brilliant being, my amazing angel.

“Dear Magdelen ,
Hi momma Its me and I am ready to give you a question. The question is inspired by how much you care for me and how much you give me. I got to thinking about what I give back. And so the question is "How are you a parent to your parents?" I love you momma with all my heart! <3
Love A"

She didn't send an answer, she didn't have to, I KNOW how she parents me, how she looks out for me, how she cares for me, how she forgives me, how she accepts me, because as far as mothers go there are times I can be a handful!

I lesser than 3 you my sweet Ayla! Thank you so much for choosing me. When I get home I will be giving 12 days journal #55 to Ayla Gabriella with the question "How are you a parent to you parents?" written in the front cover. I can't wait for this journal to come back home!!


1 comment:

  1. I was lucky enough to have the kind of dad that my friends in high school envied me for. He wasn't big on authority trips and believed in keeping the lines of communication with his kids open and two-way. He sought my input on rule-setting and was actually not embarrassed to answer sex questions. (If anything, he probably shared a little TMI, but I figure, better too much than not enough, right? LOL.)

    I "parent" him by according him the same respect he has always given me. I listen when he needs to talk (as he does to me). I make sure that he knows he isn't forgotten just because I have a family of my own now. We don't always agree, but when we disagree, we do so with mutual respect. I guess I "parent" him the way he did me, just loving him and being there for him.

    I'm really lucky to have him. :-)