November 8, 2009

Day 8 Sacred Space- Red

Today is red. I can not ignore the obvious, that red is the colour of passion. There has been much passion in the creation of this studio. Michael and I met 5 months ago, our relationship has been on hyper-speed ever since; we met, made love, decided to work together, fell deeper into love across distance, then spent 39 days straight with one another working, and falling deeper, always deeper. Life with my family began to include him, we moved in as a family, back into our newly refinished home; a new old home, a new old family. The passion also included a lot of intense anger and sadness. Michael and I process, it is what we do, often despite our wishes to turn it off. The growth I have experience has been so quick at times that I wondered if it was healthy. I was full of fear, fear that had been put away years ago added to a new fear of completely transparently living my truth, I was (and sometimes still am) scared shitless.

Under it all though is a faith, a devotion, a deep deep knowing that it is all worth it; that living in a way where I get to love and honour myself exactly as I am, and can do the same for everyone around me, is worth it. I am a work in progress, always will be, this is my family and my life as it is right now, and it is beautiful. I believe my children feel safer than they have in a long time, more held. I believe Chris is finally getting the space he needs to deal with all the pain that led to his accident over 2 years ago, his journey now has more witnesses, I believe this is a relief, and likely also scary as hell. I believe that Michael is feeling the challenge and exhilaration of getting exactly what he asked for, I believe he loves me, and his new family.

I feel blessed, and full of gratitude for my entire family. The struggles and growth have been intense. I have asked God or anyone who would listen many times for a pause button, felt like I needed to just stop moving so I could breathe. Well the pause button never materialized, instead I am learning to breathe while it all moves on around me. This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.

Here is one of my favourite “Blue” writing songs, there is a lot of this song in many of the posts you have read here.

And just because red, passion love filled red is one of my all time favourite colours, I leave you with a poem which makes me think red red red. Here is a little e.e. Cummings.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh...And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly I like the thrill

of under me you so quite new
-e.e cummings

“What are you passionate about?”
is the question in 12 days journal #210

1 comment:

  1. I've always loved that poem. Another "red" poem...the red wheelbarrow of William Carlos that one, too.

    What am I NOT passionate about? LOL. My parenting, my personal growth, my life in general (most of the time!), my writing, my music, other people's music, my spirituality. And lately, I've been passionate (even though I know it's silly!) about Doctor Who and especially David Tennant. LOL. I'll feel silly clicking "post comment" on this one. LOL.