November 30, 2009

Day 6 Just Breathe- No Contact

I don’t know what to write about. Anything authentic is either too personal to share or too hard to take back should I feel differently in an hour, which judging by how I have felt most of today, is very likely. If I let myself think about things too much I decide there is no answer, no solution. So today I tried really hard to be busy, not think too much, take care of the things which thankfully need taking care of.

Recently I made a decision that I had to make getting well my priority, I took steps, but I don’t know if they are making things better or worse!

I went to contact improv tonight, I spent a lot of the time at the back of the room “stretching”, which is a very common thing people do when they don’t want to more into contact with others, or are nervous about it. I didn’t want to touch anyone, the dynamics in the room were funky, or at least I imagined they were. Not only that I am embarrassed by my bony body, when I roll over people my bones stick into them. Finally a friend came and touched my foot. I took the bait. I had a beautiful dance with him. We are connected by some common circumstances at the moment, dancing with him was my way of expressing gratitude and accepting comfort all without words. I left after that one dance, again to deal with “dynamics”. I didn’t want to leave with the entire group, sit around talking afterwards and have them notice the awkwardness of things. I was grateful to have had that one dance though, one body to roll around with, a body that was tender and kind.

Right now I just want to cuddle up with “tender” and “kind” and drift off to sleep, be held all night without worrying what dynamics the morning will bring. I am tired of having all this stress in my life. This stress is what is causing all this pain and weakness in my body, I want out from under it, and I have no idea how to do that, too many “dynamics” involved.


“How has stress effected your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #232


  1. Stress affects many aspects of my life. Sleep, digestion, makes my heart ache. I get this strange sensation of being torn in half when stressed. Especially when drifting off to sleep, which is disconcerting, but when I release myself to it utterly, or "dose" myself with it, then it losses strength, and eventually falls away to acceptance. Then I findy happy place, and take control of the "run away train" of the mind, and get on with life.

    The one thing stress doesn't do is distract me from my art. I can have sustained
    focus with that medium. It's saved me on many occassions. It's brought me
    through some of the hardest times of my life.
    If you find the medium that gives your soul the space to breath, then you keep your sanity. I know Susan Sontag once wrote: " sanity is a cozy lie", so maybe "emotional equillibrium" is the right phrase.

  2. My dear friend, have you not heard?!
    "stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts"!
    A reminder to brEAThe!

    (I am not trying to make light of the stresses in you life my friend, but seeing as I don't seem to know how to help and am too far for a good long embrace, I thought perhaps a little smile on your face might help...

    I personally struggle with eating when stressed, so I have rolls that I don't want touched, not bones...
    silly how the necessity of food can become so intertwined in the inner workings of our soul!

    You have permission to take the time you need:
    -walk in the gorgeous nature you are blessed to live in
    -go have a coffee/tea somewhere peaceful
    -sit back and find the humor in watching your beautiful children
    -rent a funny movie


  3. As I sauntered through my Aunt's blog I came across something that made me think of you.
    Your blog is to INSPIRE
    Your current commitment is to BREATHE

    Inspire: Latin: spiriare = to breathe
    inspirare = to breath in or into
    Inspiration: Latin: inspiratio
    (Theological usage)=Divine influence exerted upon the mind or spirit...

    May you breathe ... and be breathed upon :)