Day 6 Just Breathe- No Contact

I don’t know what to write about. Anything authentic is either too personal to share or too hard to take back should I feel differently in an hour, which judging by how I have felt most of today, is very likely. If I let myself think about things too much I decide there is no answer, no solution. So today I tried really hard to be busy, not think too much, take care of the things which thankfully need taking care of.

Recently I made a decision that I had to make getting well my priority, I took steps, but I don’t know if they are making things better or worse!

I went to contact improv tonight, I spent a lot of the time at the back of the room “stretching”, which is a very common thing people do when they don’t want to more into contact with others, or are nervous about it. I didn’t want to touch anyone, the dynamics in the room were funky, or at least I imagined they were. Not only that I am embarrassed by my bony body, when I roll over people my bones stick into them. Finally a friend came and touched my foot. I took the bait. I had a beautiful dance with him. We are connected by some common circumstances at the moment, dancing with him was my way of expressing gratitude and accepting comfort all without words. I left after that one dance, again to deal with “dynamics”. I didn’t want to leave with the entire group, sit around talking afterwards and have them notice the awkwardness of things. I was grateful to have had that one dance though, one body to roll around with, a body that was tender and kind.

Right now I just want to cuddle up with “tender” and “kind” and drift off to sleep, be held all night without worrying what dynamics the morning will bring. I am tired of having all this stress in my life. This stress is what is causing all this pain and weakness in my body, I want out from under it, and I have no idea how to do that, too many “dynamics” involved.



“How has stress effected your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #232