November 7, 2009

Day 7 Sacred Space- Blue

We are painting our ceiling blue, dark, jewel, sapphire blue. Originally we somehow managed to get Jedi mind tricked into puttying it first, luckily a timely visit from a painter in the building had us shaking our heads and reconsidering. Our landlord has left a less than great impression since we forked over the last two months rent as a deposit back in September. We had an idea that this meant the place would be done to a certain standard by our possession date, we were wrong. The struggle between landlord and tenant is old, ages old. My part in this relationship is to artfully navigate, keep integrity while going to bat for myself, the latter being something of a focus for me lately. Today this looked like choosing to paint the ceiling blue with no putty underneath. The place is starting to look fabulous.

And since we are talking blue I will cop to feeling a little blue today. I woke up this cold fall morning and after a shower went to put on some warm clothes. I buttoned up my pants, they fell to the floor. I am having a body crisis. This is nothing new, I, along with so many of the female of my species, have had a long history of self judgement, my body being used as the battle ground. There were times in my life where I starved myself, worked myself till exhaustion to be thin enough. Thing is it was all bullshit. You know how I know? Because I am now about a size 4, maybe even 2, and I still come up with reasons to judge my body. I went from feeling very sexy this summer to feeling frail and fragile, too thin; to be perfectly honest I am as discouraged with my breasts as I have ever been. They have nursed 3 children, been on-the-job for over 9 1/2 years, it has taken its toll and now with very little fat to fill them out, well all I can say is I need some new miracle bras. Yes I love them, they are mine, there is no other real options, implants are not my style. So body neuroses has nothing to do with size...did you know this? I was convinced it was about being too big. Sigh. Anyway I took matters into my own hands, went shopping at the local consignment place, looked for hot clothes, good deals, and came out with some pants that show off my sexy bubble butt. They are fitted and look great. Feeling sexy and beautiful is a big part of standing up as a Goddess.

My friend KD is having a bit of a life crisis, at the moment we are sisters covering rough seas together. She told me that to keep up her own self empowerment she is going to continue to go to the grocery store with her high heels on, Hallelujah! Me too sister!


Whatever it is that makes you feel beautiful, be it choosing to not pluck your eyebrows, waxing your hooch, or wearing that scarf which always gets you compliments, DO IT! Don’t wait for special occasions, do it when you least feel like it suits your mood, wear it to remind YOURSELF how beautiful you are. This is what others see, not the scarf, but how the scarf helps you find your own beauty. You look beautiful when YOU believe it.

“What makes you feel beautiful and/ or handsome?” is the question in 12 days journal #209


  1. Thank you lovely. My self image has been up, down, and everywhere the past while. Thank you for sharing your challenge with that nearly ubiquitous issue. And thank you for your words of encouragement.

  2. Red underwear. Not that nasty rusty red, but jewel-toned, bright, ruby-red, Power Red, both bra and panties. Then I feel beautiful AND powerful and it's fabulous! Other times, dark, jewel-toned purple will also do the trick.