I accidentally deleted two pieces I wrote as possibilities for the Soul Motion newsletter. Deleting content is always such a surreal experience, at first there is the pulling in of the abdominals,
‘Oh No! What have I done?’
I frantically scroll up to the “Edit” menu to see if it can be saved; nope, there is no “undo” option, it really is gone...sigh. Then there is a peculiar renegade feeling, a James Dean rebellion nature which emerges.
‘Ya that's it! I can destroy my art because I am THAT dedicated to the process not the product?’
I imagine a cigarette hanging out my mouth. Truth is I didn’t do it on purpose so it is hardly renegade, but feeling this way helps me get over the loss, ahh art.
Speaking of art, I have really been enjoying this commitment. I spent over 2 hours on one small picture today, it is still not done. It started with an image made by my own hands last night, a mudra that I noticed only after I had sculpted it. I didn’t do an accurate copy, instead I let a shape emerge which was informed by the mudra. Then I meditated on the scenario surrounding the event when the mudra emerged. I started out with only the event eventually letting my mind wander down many related avenues. While I was working I listened to Karnamrita’s Devi Dasi album. I would take a picture but my camera isn’t working.
This is often how I create art, many kinds. I follow a meditative process, leaping from one inspiration to the next, not focusing on the product but the process. Because of this I am, like I would say most are, very tender and sensitive about my art and how it comes to be. When I engage in this creative process and it is judged, I feel wounded. When someone has an idea about how I appear during this process and it is not affirmative, I get hurt. I know that what anyone else thinks of me is just their story, usually motivated more by their process than my actions, and yet I have not reached the point where I can let it slide away. The upside of this is a mindfulness around others art, a knowing that they are taking their heart and laying it out for the world to see.
Anyone who is willing to sing, dance, speak, perform, show, is brave and naked. This is something I honour. Artists all, I bow down before thee.
“What do you do which takes more courage than people might understand or know?” is the question in 12 days journal #222
Living my truth. Loving my truth. Making art that triggers people.
ReplyDeleteBeing vulnerable in love....and sharing that experience via blog with my entire community.
Woah. I forget sometimes....hello everybody. Welcome to my loving life. Hahahahahaha....(nervous laughter)
Living with the consequences of having chosen and lived with an abusive partner. I think the vast majority of people, even the ones who love me the most, truly know or understand how much courage it takes for me to have to still deal with him regularly because we created two very amazing children together. Standing firm during this latest storm that is still raging has taken more courage than I have, I think. No wonder I've been so tired!
ReplyDeleteI do love and respect myself. I just don't always have the courage to regularly face someone whose feelings toward me are the exact opposite of my own. It's humiliating (and remember the shame question from the other day?) and leave me feeling hurt and raw and wounded, even after all this time, and after all the healing. I envy people who, when they leave someone like him, can REALLY leave it behind, totally, completely, and permanently.
I'm sorry for dumping this here, Bernice, but somehow, I think you get it. Thank you for allowing me to use YOUR safe space as mine as well. I love you, my friend! :-)
Dumping? More like placing at the altar! and yes I get it.
ReplyDelete