Someone made a comment today about me being proud of my sexuality. I reacted in a visceral way, wanted to curl up in a ball and hide. The part of me who believed I was being judged screamed “No I am not! ”. I knew I could not speak this aloud because I would sound as ridiculous as I was being. This person pointed out that I told the whole world I was proud of my sexuality right here on this blog. It was then I realized that this is a natural assumption to make, that if I announce something to the world especially when I claim that I am proud of it, that I actually am. Sadly this is not always true. I sometimes use this blog to pull myself, kicking and screaming, into my truth, I announce it and eventually become Ok with it. I have come to know that this is a God damn hard way to exist.
I went to an 80’s party the other night, my friend Terran was DJing. I had a really good time, I also had a number of existential crisis’. I live in a town of 10,000 people, this means many friends, many dynamics all breed together in one tiny petri dish. I became aware of so many of my patterns and stories, they got up in my face and screamed at me to open my eyes, see what I have chosen, acknowledge my lack of self transparency and ultimately my lack of self support.
I looked hot that night. Again reading this might have you thinking, wow this womyn has such confidence. Well I do have confidence, I also write “I looked hot” to convince myself, make it truth, so that I can believe it...that and I KNOW I looked hot. These are my cyclical thought patterns, I am like a dog chasing her tail. I know also that I am a talented dancer, the two combine mean I am sexy. Yet admitting this here is more a test of my commitment to truth than truth itself. A way of putting out there what I know to be truth but will not let in, faking the “Here is who I am and I am damn proud of it!”, making it true so I can know it, relax into it and stop the internal chatter... which drives me fucking crazy!!
So you want to know the truth about all this truth telling? Here are 2 truths about my truth
1)I sometimes judge myself for having a lover who lives with my husband and me. I then project this judgement onto others, deciding that they think I am terrible.
2) EDIT Couldn’t handle it, so I removed it.
Michael is siting next to me sending a facebook message to a friend from Grade 1, telling him about his living arrangements. I say,
“See! You are just like me.”,
meaning he puts his truth out there for the whole world to see. I then question if he ever finds this to be difficult. He says,
“No, I have been doing this for a long time.”
The fact that I find his answer so hard to believe, am skeptical of his self love, should tell me something. I say,
“What? You have been living with your love, her husband and their kids, your whole life?” , somewhat sarcastically.
“No. I have been living my truth transparently and without shame for a long time.“
The ”without shame“ part is what I am struggling with, I think I may have missed the point of living my truth.
”Do you feel shame?“ is the question in 12 days journal #218
Oh what a question. I don't think I consciously feel shame but I also feel like I have been trying to shake it off my entire life. It sticks around like peanut butter and gets on everything.Those miserable moments of childhood, at home with the family or at school hang around and obstruct all kinds of possibilities. One example. In my first year of school, being hauled up in front of the class for drawing in my book that I should have been writing in. School already seemed like a house of horrors and this public shaming just made it unbearable. I'm not surprised I don't do too much drawing although I enjoy it. Shame is public humiliation and destroys self confidence like nothing else. I'm amazed that I am in as good a shape as I am.
ReplyDeleteI found that having children was helpful in realizing that some of the things I was ashamed of were just silly things that children do and not some terrible fault that only I had, and which disqualified me from living a happy life.
Although I kept a low profile for a long time I do manage to put myself in the centre of attention sometimes and risk those feelings showing themselves again. Good therapy, as well as achieving more.
Wow...thank you Anthony, that answer is so rich.
ReplyDeleteI don't about most things. Mostly, shame was/is something my ex tries to heap on me. I try to steer clear of the heap. LOL. My biggest shame is and always will be staying with an abusive partner for so long. I'm ashamed that I somehow lost my self-love to the degree where I would put up with it as long as I did. I'm ashamed to tell people my ex was/is abusive. Other than that, though, not too much.
ReplyDeleteI feel shame.
ReplyDelete