November 12, 2009

Day 12 Sacred Space- Dry Kindling

Words Words Words...God damn fucking words...UGH! Last night I said to Michael, while we were talking somewhat contentiously, “I have faith that we actually believe the same thing, that attaching our own personal vernacular to the topic merely confuses us into believing otherwise. This is why I don’t want to talk about it yet, not until I am clearer and more rooted in the belief”...well.... or something like that. I am never really good at remembering the exact words; I remember body posture, facial expression, little “tells” like ticks and repetitive soothing behaviour. I experience a great deal of the world viscerally rather than verbally. Trouble is while words can be repeated verbatim, or in my case with no hope of verbatim, and can be contested. Body posture, tone of voice, certain behaviours, they can not, there seems to be an idea that they are based solely on perception. The thing is this is just not true! I am not one to often call on science to prove a point, but since it suits my purpose here I go. According to Paul Ekman, there are 6 basic emotions; Anger, Disgust, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, Surprise. Basically the idea is that Ekman determined through studies with cultures which have never experiences viewing westerners faces, that despite many cultural and language barriers, they could recognize these basic emotions in us.

“Ekman devised a list of basic emotions from cross-cultural research on the Fore tribesmen of Papua New Guinea. He observed that members of an isolated culture could reliably identify the expressions of emotion in photographs of people from cultures with which the Fore were not yet familiar. They could also ascribe facial expressions to descriptions of situations. On this evidence, he concluded that the expressions associated with some emotions were basic or biologically universal to all humans.“

So this is no woe woe new age aura seeing here, I am talking biologically hardwired ability to sense when the emotions underlying actions, do not meet words that are spoken. Sure there are times I misread emotions, just like there are times I misunderstand the meaning behind words. I get things wrong, but I get them right a whole hell of a lot of the time. I myself know this principle because I DO IT, we all do. I say I am not mad when I am mad. This leaves the person I am telling with the sticky job of trying to sort through what is being presented and what is being sensed. What makes it so destructive is that it causes me to distrust my instincts, my gift, this I can not tolerate.

Anyway, I am tired of words...BLAH!!!

So onto something else.....

I spent today with Chris, it was so good, like old times. I ate a burger and fries, and a cookie, this is something that only happens when I am with him, perhaps this explains the shedding of so many layers? I sure can use the calories right now though, so I am grateful. We talked about all sorts of things, just hung out. Went to test drive a right side drive Toyota Delica. Talked about marijuana as medicine, about the new insights I have had since coming to Nelson, a town rife with ganga culture. We laughed and cuddled. He and I have been distant for a while now, I know that might sound scary given our big poly family, I know his mom is worried (Hi Omi!!), but I assure you we are fine. After we moved here and Chris hit that rock with his head, things were very full on, we were together all day everyday, and constantly processing. This break has really pushed the pressure release on our relationship. We are 17 years strong and not going anywhere. I noticed I haven’t been writing a lot about him lately, and that is because he has been a bit of a rogue; he hunts, researches hunting on the net, takes the kids to and from school, writes, hangs with a few friends and that is about it. To be completely transparent, Kelly and he have decided to take an ”indefinite break“, so he is doing a lot on his own. He is doing some intensive healing. Today was a nice little reminder of how much I love him, how well we do together, and how we are going to be together for a long time to come.

”Is there a relationship from your past that you would like to rekindle?“ is the question in 12 days journal #214

I am looking forward to a roaring rekindle with Raabis (what I call Chris) soon, when the time is right. I trust us.


  1. I'm sad, and I miss my partner a lot.

  2. ((((((ChrisB)))))) (((((hugs)))) 2 both of you!

  3. I really really really miss my partner.

  4. I think about him every day.

  5. I can't think of any relationship from my past that I would want to rekindle. I think of one in particular with great fondness, but no, I wouldn't want to rekindle it.