Day 2 Final Commitment- Strangers, Help and Community

I am so tired and fragile today. I am home alone and I LONG to be cuddled. I got my moon this morning so it is no wonder I feel this way. I know I will feel less vulnerable tomorrow. I just have to hole up here in my bedroom, make myself tea, have a bath and sleep. My kitty cats will cuddle me this evening as I hang out in my “red tent”.



And because I am so tired I am going to keep today's entry short.

This is a quote from one of May’s entries, it helped me to see two things about myself. Number 1, fear has been an issue for me for a long time. Two, I love that I was so “out” about my relationship with God in those first months, I love that I never hid this. I can tell from my reading that I was beginning to get more comfortable with blogging at this point.

”I love my fear and know it is there to protect me, but I quiet it down so I can only hear my heart voice. This voice, that I often find when I am dancing, NEVER leads me astray. This voice tells me the things I am meant to do with this life. Leading movement is one of those things. Raising my babies with love, boundaries and a commitment to communication is one of those things. Loving with a wide open heart is one of those things. Writing this blog, committing to this experiment, sending out journals into the world is one of those things. I don’t know what all of that makes me, but that is OK. God knows, and that is good enough for me.”

The other thing I noticed was just how friggen wordy I was! LOL LONG POSTS! Holy cow. I hope for my own sake I stopped writing so much so that it doesn’t take me hours every day just to get through the reading part!

***EDIT- I posted something and decided a couple of hours later that I didn’t actually want to be that honest, or actually it is not about honesty, it is about wanting to keep it for myself. Thanks Deborah for the perfect advise.***


*** EDIT- I am adding the removed text back into entry at 10:30 the next morning, after a nights sleep and a new morning complete with birds singing, I know I put this in my entry for a reason. I trust.


One last reflection. I am reading the months from the 6th to the 5th so that I will end up exactly on April 5th when the project is done. So for instance today I read May 6th to June 5th. Want to know what day I met Michael? June 5th. I have just entered Michael land full force. From now on I will get to read all about my excitement and passion for this man, veiled as it was from all of you in the beginning. I have to tell you it was all a bit much to take today. Reading about the 2 weeks which led up to our meeting, seeing our picture so happy and in love, add all this to today being my first moon day, and I had myself an UGH afternoon. I am sure at some point reading about our love story will bring me joy, I KNOW this for certain. Today though I scroll quickly past our picture on the blog, not wanting to see, wondering how we went from there to here in 10 months. Despite a deep deep love for one another we just can’t seem to get along. I wish I knew what to do.


“Is there a period of you life which is hard to think about?“ is the question in 12 days journal #348

Day 8 Walkabout- Bloody Confusion

Has there ever been a time when you thought you were in one place then suddenly found yourself somewhere completely different? I am not talking about a physical experience. I am talking about when I am feeling loving and connected then... BOOM I realize I have somehow been transported a million miles away. An unpleasant and inextricable melange of emotions envelopes me. I often do not communicate this to others around me, out of confusion, not knowing what is going on for me or, as is more often the case, because of self judgement, deciding that I am too sensitive is usually what pops up and attacks my weepy heart. I come up with lots of reasons to not communicate in these moments, decide it might start a fight, or am fearful that I am imagining the disconnect and will look neurotic or dramatic, and there is of course the ever present inarticulation which seems to accompany my sadness....sigh.

This morning was a combination of all I mentioned and an idea that my drama would make Michael late(r?) for work, so I didn’t say anything. Reading this may even make you believe something B_I_G happened, it didn’t, it is quite possible I suppose that this IS all in my head. Did I mention I am in my moon time? How cliché is all of this? So now I am left with what to do, go for coffee? Meet up with friends, let a new conversation take the place of this mornings events. Will this reveal to me that nothing really happened, that this was all in my moon time sensitive mind? Or is this me running away, not dealing, cursing myself to live this dynamic out time and time again, until I deal with it and put it to rest? I am so bloody confused...ha...pun most definitely intended.

Right now I am hiding behind this computer screen , not dealing, well I am, I am dealing with this journal writing software and the keys of my mac. I am NOT dealing with the person in the kitchen. I won’t be able to hide for long though, since this is going up on the net any minute now. I have discovered that there are not a lot of places to hide when you post your life’s story on the internet, imagine that.

“What confuses you about life?” is the question in 12 days journal #149



(It is actually cellulose fibre dye...but I love the pic and wanted to both share and shock! tee hee)