I will start this entry as I have many others by saying I had no idea when I started this project where it would lead. I am beginning to lose track of when it was “this project” began or even what I mean when I say “this project”.
It is not possible to condense what I have experienced since that surf contest in January into one entry. Geographically I have been in over 10 states and 3 countries since then. I have travelled with my family, alone and with other travellers. I have travelled by plane, collectivo, bus, taxi, foot and in the back of a pick up. I have met so many people that my eyes fill with tears and my mind spins to imagine all the beings filled with so much light that I have touched and been touched by. It has been one heck of a wild holy ride!
I can not explain in any linear fashion the events of the days since the 11th of January 2011, but I can give you some highlights.
The first that comes to mind is meeting an elder who I accepted into my heart. I made this known to him by making a tobacco offering. I have been on a spiritual path my whole life. I was quiet about it in my youth when I didn’t understand it, I couldn’t explain it to myself much less to others. As time went on though it became my way and I began to live it out loud in my every day. I called it my “solo path” before I knew that such a term existed in new age circles. I dedicated myself and trusted. Yet there were many times I longed to not be so alone. I found many to walk with for a time, some are still here nearly 18 years later but this was not enough. I wanted an elder, a guru, a person to follow and rest. On January 23rd I found him, his name is Oso Blanco.
I had written in my personal journal some months earlier that I longed to sit at the feet of my elders. What I didn’t know as I knelt before him, tobacco bowl out stretched, streams of tears spilling down my face asking him to be my elder, was that my sitting would be done from sun down to sun up on the day of his death.
Oso blanco died 3 days after we met. He died after giving me the gift of a rattle, the one I had used in his inipi. His inipi was where we sat in sweat lodge the night before he died. I sat next to him at his request because he “needed my help“. I didn’t know what this meant but knew that when the time came I would know what to do.... and I did.
That night in the inipi I held him as he shook and cried, as he begged the grandfathers to give him the strength to make it through this difficult sweat lodge. I simply petted him, like he were an old bear. He murmured “thank you” over and over again. It was one of the most intimate moments of my life.
I left the sweat lodge that evening knowing something grand was about to happen and pushing away what I suspected was coming. The next morning as we drank coffee before breakfast, just as we had every day since we met, he explained why he was giving me the rattle and why I had been entrusted with it in the inipi the night before. He explained what he saw in me, how strong my energy was, and what it was I needed to do. I felt seen in a way I never have before. He was adamant this morning that he and I go into ceremony together. He told me continually, “It will be hard on you, but it is going to be harder on me”. I trusted him and was quite frankly desperate to complete this ceremony which would break a bond which I believed at the time I could not sever on my own. He and I then went into ceremony together only it started as he began to die. I did the ceremony on my own as he transitioned into the ether. At first I pleaded with God, looked into the sky and cried “I don’t know what to do?!”. I heard a steady internal voice say. “Yes you do, you have been doing this your whole life... just go into ceremony as you always have, following what is.” ... and so I did.
Later that evening I sat at his funeral which was to last 4 nights. I was guarding the north door of the inipi which meant sitting on the ground in the cold night with his feet pressed up against my kidneys. His body had died less than 12 hours earlier, I could feel his life force still pulsing.
This was the first of 4 nights of honouring my elder, my guru, the first and only in 37 years, my whole life. He came to tell me that I am doing wonderfully all on my own. He taught me that while I AM walking a solo path, that I was doing it alongside many beautiful beings with the same commitment. He taught me about being together alone. He taught me to love myself, to trust myself, to believe in myself, to understand that there is no self, that we are all one.
There were three things I not only heard Oso Blanco say but SAW him LIVE that made me decided to choose him.
First he explained to someone as I listened that the love between a man and a womyn when both fully honour the other is the most powerful force in the world, that when we come together in love it has the power to heal the world. That those of us who know this are here to teach others who are still working to understand.
Secondly he taught that learning from ones “youngers” is as important as learning from ones “elders”. That womyn and children are to be respected in action not just words. Of course, so are the men, but that we are still dealing with a repression on Goddess nature so in this way the power imbalance is still playing out.
Third, like a true Grandfather he assured me that I am on my path, that I am doing an excellent job and that I should continue to follow it exactly as I have been. He reminded me of my own glory, that I needed nothing more than what I already had.
I left the mountains of Nayrarit after 3 days of knowing Oso blanco in life and 4 days of knowing him in death. 7 days.
The event where I met him is named 7:7:7:7. I found it on facebook through my friend Steve. I chose to attend because I had a miscarriage which lasted 7 sevens, 49 days. I follow this simple numerical symbol, trusting its importance, to a gathering in Mexico. I trusted that I was being led. This is the magic that brought me to spend 7 days with my elder, Oso Blanco... or you might just want to call him Steve, which is how I was introduced to this man who changed my life forever by reassuring me I needed no changing, that I am evolving perfectly.
Since then my many journeys have blended one into one another.
I swam at the birth place of a magical azul river , a place so sacred I believed it was heaven. On the way back to my hostel I saw a garbage pile as high as a 5 story building. It was beautiful and horrific. A swarm of birds, hundreds thick, dove en masse into this plastic sea, picking up treasures while filling the air with elated screeches. I learned that Mexico is everything it isn’t and isn’t everything it is. Mexico is a magical land of contradictions.
I travelled with a man who was patient with my devotion to seriousness and talented enough at playing that he managed to crack me open. I found FUN Bernice again!
I climbed to the top of ruins which I do not understand with my mind but could feel in my body. Their long holy lineage of both light and dark are something I know in my soul.
I travelled home to my own beloved town of Nelson with the eyes of a traveller. I stayed only 5 days and visited with many loved ones, missing many many more. In Nelson I found a place of healing. While this is not new information I was able to see through layers of the veil to better understand what “healing” actually means.
I learned from a master in a form of dance which I sometimes have to convince myself I have the ability to lead. I sat and listened to him with a beguiling mixture of emotions, respectful of his mystical waysf and frustrated at his human nature.
I slept under a full moon on the side of a mountain during the Equinox. I performed ritual under the stars. My partner used a caracol to honour the sun as it rose at day break into the same position the moon had been just hours before. I honoured the divine union of man and womyn.
I fed my eldest iguana (by accident) and pulled a scorpion off my baby’s back.
I have ridden on buses with men who take up too much room and womyn who take up too little.
I shared meals with men who shine with a new knowing and womyn who are fighting for waves in an ocean they don’t believe is their own.
I have snuggled kids who are vomiting and talked for hours with a husband who I am just getting to know... again.
I am becoming more comfortable with not always feeling comfortable.
I let go of any semblance of a physical home so I could find mine smack dab in the center of my own beautiful being... en mi corazon.
I learned that I trust Eros.
Hasta Seimpre!
Showing posts with label oso negro. Show all posts
Showing posts with label oso negro. Show all posts
March 29, 2011
April 5, 2010
Day 12 Final Commitment- Begin again
I must have come up with at least 12 excellent ways to begin this last entry, some funny, some poignant, all deep. This feels like a lot of pressure, how can I come up with the ultimate ending? Too much pressure. ACK.
So what have I learned from all this? Well that I am tough as nails, but I always knew that. That I am a little bit crazy, again I knew that. How about that sacred sexuality, self determination, felt presence and real human connection are all essential ingredients of what make me Me. I learned that they are not negotiable anymore. I learned that transparency and truth are essential, but that they are to be respected because they have power. I learned also that I am powerful, and must remember humility. Being powerful with integrity means being responsible. If I am to remain awake I must be responsible for myself, take it seriously...and then remember not to take myself so seriously.
I have no idea how to explain how I feel today as this project ends. I know that my heart pushes at my rib cage. This blessed rib cage of mine, made of bone, cartilage, and connective tissue, all things less plastic than the heart they protect. My rib cage is having a hard time keeping up. My heart feels a melange of sadness, appreciation, fear, worry, joy , loneliness, hope, faith and love love love. As I sit in Oso Negro, my office for much of this project, the noise and energy is so vibratory that I need to step outside. It is a sunny spring holiday, and so many people are here, endless possibilities for human connection. Stepping outside was a good way to go. I spent over an hour talking out back, doing the work, knowing summer would bring even more of this time. This is what it is all about anyway, getting the most out of every moment, the luxury of ignoring this offering is no longer an option.
So the question is simply...what do I do next? Though I will surely try to complicate the answer, I am sure it too is simple. Easy. Part of “Easy” is doing some writing for other projects, ones with a more forgiving timeline, ones which pay well so that I can continue to create. I am looking to use what I have learned from this years project to contribute to what comes next. I will be watching for job opportunities which allows me the freedom to be just as I have been here on the blog, I am prepared for something beyond my imagination. How exciting! I have put it out there, and it is coming...easy.
As for reading the rest of the blog. I am in the process. I committed to it and I keep my commitments. I will however modify a commitment if it is causing me more discomfort than is healthy. When this happens I find a way to fulfill my commitments while staying true to me. This is why I changed how I was fulfilling this commitment, and why I have changed how I am fulfilling other commitments in my life. So I will address the last two months by saying merely this:
“Magical things happen in all of our lives, there is no scarcity. We call in exactly what it is we ask for. So ask...ask for what you want? Believe you deserve it. Believing is the key to exponential growth potential realized. Find the beauty, fully experience the magic, create, create, create and when it is time to let it go. Do... let go. Know that what is coming in next is beyond imagination. Life is easy if you play it forward this way. This is what I am learning from reading my story. I am also learning that I know a thing or two about commitment.”
I was sent this poem by sweet Mari, the circumstances were synchronistic, magical...I won’t go into details, but I will tell you that synchronistic magical moments happen all the time, everywhere, all anyone need to do is.... pay attention.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
I know, and have for a while now, that first I must go walking on my own. It is time to believe in what I know.
(This picture of me was drawn today by Ed. Before it was finished coffee, Oso Negro coffee, was spilt on the drawing...perfect.)
“Where have you gone all by yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #358. I would end by saying that this is the last journal ever...but it wouldn’t be true. There will be an encore, to tie up loose ends. And of course this project ends and another begins, so you have not lost me, I promise. I have had lots of encouragement to continue this work, and I will...I am just not sure how yet.
Oh and one more thing. 12 days journal #96 came home today. It was created on July 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-3-communicate-3-level-check.html , the day after I posted this same poem on the blog. If you want a little insight into how I work here it is. I believe this journal coming back today has something to teach me. I haven’t gone to read which entry is associated with it yet. I have full faith in synchronicity, full faith that when I do go read this entry again I will find something new, or perhaps old, that is needed right now, and that this is the way I called it in. If I follow these synchronistic moments, moment to moment and remain present, I will learn what I need, I will be taken care of, and I will thrive... it’s all happening.
Thank you all...I love all of you so much. Thank you Thank you Thank you. I am off to read now....
So what have I learned from all this? Well that I am tough as nails, but I always knew that. That I am a little bit crazy, again I knew that. How about that sacred sexuality, self determination, felt presence and real human connection are all essential ingredients of what make me Me. I learned that they are not negotiable anymore. I learned that transparency and truth are essential, but that they are to be respected because they have power. I learned also that I am powerful, and must remember humility. Being powerful with integrity means being responsible. If I am to remain awake I must be responsible for myself, take it seriously...and then remember not to take myself so seriously.
I have no idea how to explain how I feel today as this project ends. I know that my heart pushes at my rib cage. This blessed rib cage of mine, made of bone, cartilage, and connective tissue, all things less plastic than the heart they protect. My rib cage is having a hard time keeping up. My heart feels a melange of sadness, appreciation, fear, worry, joy , loneliness, hope, faith and love love love. As I sit in Oso Negro, my office for much of this project, the noise and energy is so vibratory that I need to step outside. It is a sunny spring holiday, and so many people are here, endless possibilities for human connection. Stepping outside was a good way to go. I spent over an hour talking out back, doing the work, knowing summer would bring even more of this time. This is what it is all about anyway, getting the most out of every moment, the luxury of ignoring this offering is no longer an option.
So the question is simply...what do I do next? Though I will surely try to complicate the answer, I am sure it too is simple. Easy. Part of “Easy” is doing some writing for other projects, ones with a more forgiving timeline, ones which pay well so that I can continue to create. I am looking to use what I have learned from this years project to contribute to what comes next. I will be watching for job opportunities which allows me the freedom to be just as I have been here on the blog, I am prepared for something beyond my imagination. How exciting! I have put it out there, and it is coming...easy.
As for reading the rest of the blog. I am in the process. I committed to it and I keep my commitments. I will however modify a commitment if it is causing me more discomfort than is healthy. When this happens I find a way to fulfill my commitments while staying true to me. This is why I changed how I was fulfilling this commitment, and why I have changed how I am fulfilling other commitments in my life. So I will address the last two months by saying merely this:
“Magical things happen in all of our lives, there is no scarcity. We call in exactly what it is we ask for. So ask...ask for what you want? Believe you deserve it. Believing is the key to exponential growth potential realized. Find the beauty, fully experience the magic, create, create, create and when it is time to let it go. Do... let go. Know that what is coming in next is beyond imagination. Life is easy if you play it forward this way. This is what I am learning from reading my story. I am also learning that I know a thing or two about commitment.”
I was sent this poem by sweet Mari, the circumstances were synchronistic, magical...I won’t go into details, but I will tell you that synchronistic magical moments happen all the time, everywhere, all anyone need to do is.... pay attention.
The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.
~ Mary Oliver ~
I know, and have for a while now, that first I must go walking on my own. It is time to believe in what I know.
(This picture of me was drawn today by Ed. Before it was finished coffee, Oso Negro coffee, was spilt on the drawing...perfect.)
“Where have you gone all by yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #358. I would end by saying that this is the last journal ever...but it wouldn’t be true. There will be an encore, to tie up loose ends. And of course this project ends and another begins, so you have not lost me, I promise. I have had lots of encouragement to continue this work, and I will...I am just not sure how yet.
Oh and one more thing. 12 days journal #96 came home today. It was created on July 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-3-communicate-3-level-check.html , the day after I posted this same poem on the blog. If you want a little insight into how I work here it is. I believe this journal coming back today has something to teach me. I haven’t gone to read which entry is associated with it yet. I have full faith in synchronicity, full faith that when I do go read this entry again I will find something new, or perhaps old, that is needed right now, and that this is the way I called it in. If I follow these synchronistic moments, moment to moment and remain present, I will learn what I need, I will be taken care of, and I will thrive... it’s all happening.
Thank you all...I love all of you so much. Thank you Thank you Thank you. I am off to read now....
April 1, 2010
Day 8 Final Commitment- Road Trip
I am not writing this entry on this actual day. I spent this “April Fools Day”, which I consider to be the Pagan New Year, driving from Clairsholme, Alberta back home to Nelson, an 8 hour trip. I travelled with my friend Richard. The trip just kinda happened. Tuesday morning I saw him in Oso Negro, we talked about me going to Alberta and the next thing you know we were meting at noon to leave town and go get my new car. Driving out was a blast, we had such an amazing time, we connect really deeply, a couple of Aquarian with big hearts. On the way back we had to drive separate vehicles, which made me appreciate him that much more. So now I have my car but I am behind and I NEED to catch out to finish this commitment the way it needs to be done...on APRIL 5th... I WILL make this happen. Here I go!
November 6th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-6-sacred-space-orange.html Orange. Michael and I were having such fun painting our brand new studio. It was mostly Michael’s doing that got us the studio. It was also him who put in most of the work. Thank you for everything you did for us baby. I love you.
November 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-7-sacred-space-blue.html Blue. The first signs that our landlord was less than worthy of our trust. The up side of this entry is, I can see that I WAS aware of my weight loss being an issue. Not only that I learned a damn good lesson about belief in my own beauty being the key to a fantastic body image, not the size of my thighs. I also managed to wrap it up in an empowering package of words and deliver it to my sisters! I loved this post, I am darn proud of having voiced this to the world. (BIG GRIN)
And to round off all the colours here is November 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-8-sacred-space-red.html Red. Passion. I am a passionate womyn. I see as I read this entry how hard I was working to deal with all the passion, across the spectrum. I want to go back to that time, take myself in my arms and hold me, caress my skin, my skin that so longs for slow mindful touch. From this entry:
“This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.”
November 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-sacred-space-dry-kindling.html Wow, I am beginning to feel like I am closing the gap between past and present. This entry lets the world know Kelly and Chris have decided to split. Kelly is so great, I really love her. She threw herself into her art when they went their separate ways, and her art work SOARED! I also address in this entry the fundamental issue with which Michael and I go round and round and round. It is funny, I have been heard often saying how “I hate words”. Truth is I LOVE words, look at all the ones I have pieced together here on the blog. It is the dominance of words that I can’t stand. The imbalance that is created when words are not used to explain what is going on inside and instead are used as tools to navigate without embodiment or at its worst manipulate within a strategy. Non-violent Communication (NVC) distinguishes needs from strategies, which are specific plans to try to meet needs.... and then ironically comes up with a strategy to mitigate this. NVC has some amazing principles, it is when the words don’t match the body, then it ceases to be non violent because it lacks honesty. I don’t have the words to describe how mind fucked I have often felt this last year by words, words, words.
November 13th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-1-visual-creation-do-you-believe.html As I began to reconnect with visual art as a medium of expression in this 12 days commitment, I was also beginning to feel safe enough to come out about this curious transformation which was happening to my body, mind and spirit. I am still a little reluctant to talk about it, what I am experiencing is divine and scary. This entry tells of a day I spent with Richard. We listened to music and drew pictures together in Oso Negro, it was magical. It is funny to read about our friendship on the blog after having just spent 3 days together, we are kindred, that is for certain.
November 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html Stripping myself more and more naked. I am not sure when exactly this project became about absolute truth. I know Michael Sheely had a big part to play in it all. He taught me about truth and, as is my way, I took the torch and RAN. I really do feel much more at ease now about how truthful I am, at this time though in November it was really really hard. I remember the stress, how it tied my stomach in knots. The night I write about in this entry was a a real reckoning. It took going to the Royal scantily clad for 80’s night for me to really face myself, it was so intense. Did I mention it was full moon?
November 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html I didn’t go to California this month. I went to stay at the Ashram across the lake instead. God I think about that time, I was a complete mess. And JUST beginning to understand that I was having an awakening. It was actually here at the ashram that I got my first clue. I read my words and see how on fire I was for the Divine. I have always been a God junkie, things were shifting though. I felt like I was literally coming out through my own shell, like I was a caterpillar on a journey. While I didn’t travel to California this time, I did journey, and it was only the beginning.
November 24th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-visual-creation-bucks-and-drivin.html He did it! Chris got a buck and we have been eating deer ever since. I know it has been part of what got me through the body “crisis” I was having. Having high quality, organic, local meat which is native to the environment I exist in is just what the medicine man ordered. I love Chris with all my heart. He is my King. Him becoming a lone hunter would have been hard had my life not been so full, we used to spend so much time together, missing him is made easier by distraction. I know we will be closer again soon, when the time is right. For now he just loves me up and supports me. We had a fight a few days ago, I see this as a healthy sign. We almost never fight anymore, it is good to know we can raise our passion for each other if we want to. It took us less than 10 minutes to be in each others arms apologizing for our role. I have spent 18 years with this man, half my life, and I am blessed beyond measure to be his Queen.
November 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/latest-commitment-just-breathe.html I committed to simply focusing on how I was breathing. Here is a little reminder from Alexi Murdoch. I tried sending him an email today but it didn’t work, maybe he will find this blog and email me back. I have a question I need to ask him about the song “12”.
Oh how this man moves my kundalini with his velvet voice, amazing talent and God speak lyrics.
November 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-just-breathe-love-like-that.html Poetry, love and a mantra which is repeated over and over again, as mantras are, in hopes of being heard...sigh.
December 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-7-just-breathe-children-of-god.html As I wind down this entry with a knowing that I must do one more today, even if it takes until 4 in the morning like it did last night, that. I am feisty, committed and while flaky at times, can get the job done on time when art and God are the motivators. This entry is dedicated to a womyn who taught me about God. She is a Christian. I am for want of a better descriptor, a Pagan, a follower of the wheel of the year, the planet, the environment, the moon. While it may seem that we would not see eye to eye, it is her eyes I remember most, behind glasses, blue and beautiful. So filled with spirit, so on fire with the love of God. I love you Sister. Thank you for always believing in me, even at time when it tested your faith to its very limit. I am honoured to have been the one to take you there.
I love perfect endings. December 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-just-breathe-blankie.html I will end with this Hafiz poem. It is timely for me, helps me to reconnect with what is important, with how I want to be loved.
“Your love
Should never be offered
to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
~ Hafiz”
“What would you protect with your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #354
November 6th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-6-sacred-space-orange.html Orange. Michael and I were having such fun painting our brand new studio. It was mostly Michael’s doing that got us the studio. It was also him who put in most of the work. Thank you for everything you did for us baby. I love you.
November 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-7-sacred-space-blue.html Blue. The first signs that our landlord was less than worthy of our trust. The up side of this entry is, I can see that I WAS aware of my weight loss being an issue. Not only that I learned a damn good lesson about belief in my own beauty being the key to a fantastic body image, not the size of my thighs. I also managed to wrap it up in an empowering package of words and deliver it to my sisters! I loved this post, I am darn proud of having voiced this to the world. (BIG GRIN)
And to round off all the colours here is November 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-8-sacred-space-red.html Red. Passion. I am a passionate womyn. I see as I read this entry how hard I was working to deal with all the passion, across the spectrum. I want to go back to that time, take myself in my arms and hold me, caress my skin, my skin that so longs for slow mindful touch. From this entry:
“This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.”
November 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-sacred-space-dry-kindling.html Wow, I am beginning to feel like I am closing the gap between past and present. This entry lets the world know Kelly and Chris have decided to split. Kelly is so great, I really love her. She threw herself into her art when they went their separate ways, and her art work SOARED! I also address in this entry the fundamental issue with which Michael and I go round and round and round. It is funny, I have been heard often saying how “I hate words”. Truth is I LOVE words, look at all the ones I have pieced together here on the blog. It is the dominance of words that I can’t stand. The imbalance that is created when words are not used to explain what is going on inside and instead are used as tools to navigate without embodiment or at its worst manipulate within a strategy. Non-violent Communication (NVC) distinguishes needs from strategies, which are specific plans to try to meet needs.... and then ironically comes up with a strategy to mitigate this. NVC has some amazing principles, it is when the words don’t match the body, then it ceases to be non violent because it lacks honesty. I don’t have the words to describe how mind fucked I have often felt this last year by words, words, words.
November 13th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-1-visual-creation-do-you-believe.html As I began to reconnect with visual art as a medium of expression in this 12 days commitment, I was also beginning to feel safe enough to come out about this curious transformation which was happening to my body, mind and spirit. I am still a little reluctant to talk about it, what I am experiencing is divine and scary. This entry tells of a day I spent with Richard. We listened to music and drew pictures together in Oso Negro, it was magical. It is funny to read about our friendship on the blog after having just spent 3 days together, we are kindred, that is for certain.
November 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html Stripping myself more and more naked. I am not sure when exactly this project became about absolute truth. I know Michael Sheely had a big part to play in it all. He taught me about truth and, as is my way, I took the torch and RAN. I really do feel much more at ease now about how truthful I am, at this time though in November it was really really hard. I remember the stress, how it tied my stomach in knots. The night I write about in this entry was a a real reckoning. It took going to the Royal scantily clad for 80’s night for me to really face myself, it was so intense. Did I mention it was full moon?
November 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html I didn’t go to California this month. I went to stay at the Ashram across the lake instead. God I think about that time, I was a complete mess. And JUST beginning to understand that I was having an awakening. It was actually here at the ashram that I got my first clue. I read my words and see how on fire I was for the Divine. I have always been a God junkie, things were shifting though. I felt like I was literally coming out through my own shell, like I was a caterpillar on a journey. While I didn’t travel to California this time, I did journey, and it was only the beginning.
November 24th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-visual-creation-bucks-and-drivin.html He did it! Chris got a buck and we have been eating deer ever since. I know it has been part of what got me through the body “crisis” I was having. Having high quality, organic, local meat which is native to the environment I exist in is just what the medicine man ordered. I love Chris with all my heart. He is my King. Him becoming a lone hunter would have been hard had my life not been so full, we used to spend so much time together, missing him is made easier by distraction. I know we will be closer again soon, when the time is right. For now he just loves me up and supports me. We had a fight a few days ago, I see this as a healthy sign. We almost never fight anymore, it is good to know we can raise our passion for each other if we want to. It took us less than 10 minutes to be in each others arms apologizing for our role. I have spent 18 years with this man, half my life, and I am blessed beyond measure to be his Queen.
November 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/latest-commitment-just-breathe.html I committed to simply focusing on how I was breathing. Here is a little reminder from Alexi Murdoch. I tried sending him an email today but it didn’t work, maybe he will find this blog and email me back. I have a question I need to ask him about the song “12”.
Oh how this man moves my kundalini with his velvet voice, amazing talent and God speak lyrics.
November 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-just-breathe-love-like-that.html Poetry, love and a mantra which is repeated over and over again, as mantras are, in hopes of being heard...sigh.
December 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-7-just-breathe-children-of-god.html As I wind down this entry with a knowing that I must do one more today, even if it takes until 4 in the morning like it did last night, that. I am feisty, committed and while flaky at times, can get the job done on time when art and God are the motivators. This entry is dedicated to a womyn who taught me about God. She is a Christian. I am for want of a better descriptor, a Pagan, a follower of the wheel of the year, the planet, the environment, the moon. While it may seem that we would not see eye to eye, it is her eyes I remember most, behind glasses, blue and beautiful. So filled with spirit, so on fire with the love of God. I love you Sister. Thank you for always believing in me, even at time when it tested your faith to its very limit. I am honoured to have been the one to take you there.
I love perfect endings. December 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-just-breathe-blankie.html I will end with this Hafiz poem. It is timely for me, helps me to reconnect with what is important, with how I want to be loved.
“Your love
Should never be offered
to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
~ Hafiz”
“What would you protect with your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #354
Day 8 Final Commitment- Road Trip Over
I am not writing this entry on this actual day. I spent this “April Fools Day”, which I consider to be the Pagan New Year, driving from Clairsholme, Alberta back home to Nelson, an 8 hour trip. I travelled with my friend Richard. The trip just kinda happened. Tuesday morning I saw him in Oso Negro, we talked about me going to Alberta and the next thing you know we were meeting at noon to leave town and go get my new car. Driving out was a blast, we had such an amazing time, we connect really deeply, a couple of Aquarian with big hearts. On the way back we had to drive separate vehicles, which made me appreciate him that much more. So now I have my car but I am behind and I NEED to catch out to finish this commitment the way it needs to be done...on APRIL 5th... I WILL make this happen. Here I go!
November 6th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-6-sacred-space-orange.html Orange. Michael and I were having such fun painting our brand new studio. It was mostly Michael’s doing that got us the studio. It was also him who put in most of the work. Thank you for everything you did for us baby. I love you.
November 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-7-sacred-space-blue.html Blue. The first signs that our landlord was less than worthy of our trust. The up side of this entry is, I can see that I WAS aware of my weight loss being an issue. Not only that I learned a damn good lesson about belief in my own beauty being the key to a fantastic body image, not the size of my thighs. I also managed to wrap it up in an empowering package of words and deliver it to my sisters! I loved this post, I am darn proud of having voiced this to the world. (BIG GRIN)
And to round off all the colours here is November 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-8-sacred-space-red.html Red. Passion. I am a passionate womyn. I see as I read this entry how hard I was working to deal with all the passion, across the spectrum. I want to go back to that time, take myself in my arms and hold me, caress my skin, my skin that so longs for slow mindful touch. From this entry:
“This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.”
November 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-sacred-space-dry-kindling.html Wow, I am beginning to feel like I am closing the gap between past and present. This entry lets the world know Kelly and Chris have decided to split. Kelly is so great, I really love her. She threw herself into her art when they went their separate ways, and her art work SOARED! I also address in this entry the fundamental issue with which Michael and I go round and round and round. It is funny, I have been heard often saying how “I hate words”. Truth is I LOVE words, look at all the ones I have pieced together here on the blog. It is the dominance of words that I can’t stand. The imbalance that is created when words are not used to explain what is going on inside and instead are used as tools to navigate without embodiment or at its worst manipulate within a strategy. Non-violent Communication (NVC) distinguishes needs from strategies, which are specific plans to try to meet needs.... and then ironically comes up with a strategy to mitigate this. NVC has some amazing principles, it is when the words don’t match the body, then it ceases to be non violent because it lacks honesty. I don’t have the words to describe how mind fucked I have often felt this last year by words, words, words.
November 13th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-1-visual-creation-do-you-believe.html As I began to reconnect with visual art as a medium of expression in this 12 days commitment, I was also beginning to feel safe enough to come out about this curious transformation which was happening to my body, mind and spirit. I am still a little reluctant to talk about it, what I am experiencing is divine and scary. This entry tells of a day I spent with Richard. We listened to music and drew pictures together in Oso Negro, it was magical. It is funny to read about our friendship on the blog after having just spent 3 days together, we are kindred, that is for certain.
November 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html Stripping myself more and more naked. I am not sure when exactly this project became about absolute truth. I know Michael Sheely had a big part to play in it all. He taught me about truth and, as is my way, I took the torch and RAN. I really do feel much more at ease now about how truthful I am, at this time though in November it was really really hard. I remember the stress, how it tied my stomach in knots. The night I write about in this entry was a a real reckoning. It took going to the Royal scantily clad for 80’s night for me to really face myself, it was so intense. Did I mention it was full moon?
November 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html I didn’t go to California this month. I went to stay at the Ashram across the lake instead. God I think about that time, I was a complete mess. And JUST beginning to understand that I was having an awakening. It was actually here at the ashram that I got my first clue. I read my words and see how on fire I was for the Divine. I have always been a God junkie, things were shifting though. I felt like I was literally coming out through my own shell, like I was a caterpillar on a journey. While I didn’t travel to California this time, I did journey, and it was only the beginning.
November 24th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-visual-creation-bucks-and-drivin.html He did it! Chris got a buck and we have been eating deer ever since. I know it has been part of what got me through the body “crisis” I was having. Having high quality, organic, local meat which is native to the environment I exist in is just what the medicine man ordered. I love Chris with all my heart. He is my King. Him becoming a lone hunter would have been hard had my life not been so full, we used to spend so much time together, missing him is made easier by distraction. I know we will be closer again soon, when the time is right. For now he just loves me up and supports me. We had a fight a few days ago, I see this as a healthy sign. We almost never fight anymore, it is good to know we can raise our passion for each other if we want to. It took us less than 10 minutes to be in each others arms apologizing for our role. I have spent 18 years with this man, half my life, and I am blessed beyond measure to be his Queen.
November 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/latest-commitment-just-breathe.html I committed to simply focusing on how I was breathing. Here is a little reminder from Alexi Murdoch. I tried sending him an email today but it didn’t work, maybe he will find this blog and email me back. I have a question I need to ask him about the song “12”.
Oh how this man moves my kundalini with his velvet voice, amazing talent and God speak lyrics.
November 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-just-breathe-love-like-that.html Poetry, love and a mantra which is repeated over and over again, as mantras are, in hopes of being heard...sigh.
December 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-7-just-breathe-children-of-god.html As I wind down this entry with a knowing that I must do one more today, even if it takes until 4 in the morning like it did last night, that. I am feisty, committed and while flaky at times, can get the job done on time when art and God are the motivators. This entry is dedicated to a womyn who taught me about God. She is a Christian. I am for want of a better descriptor, a Pagan, a follower of the wheel of the year, the planet, the environment, the moon. While it may seem that we would not see eye to eye, it is her eyes I remember most, behind glasses, blue and beautiful. So filled with spirit, so on fire with the love of God. I love you Sister. Thank you for always believing in me, even at time when it tested your faith to its very limit. I am honoured to have been the one to take you there.
I love perfect endings. December 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-just-breathe-blankie.html I will end with this Hafiz poem. It is timely for me, helps me to reconnect with what is important, with how I want to be loved.
“Your love
Should never be offered
to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
~ Hafiz”
“What would you protect with your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #354
November 6th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-6-sacred-space-orange.html Orange. Michael and I were having such fun painting our brand new studio. It was mostly Michael’s doing that got us the studio. It was also him who put in most of the work. Thank you for everything you did for us baby. I love you.
November 7th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-7-sacred-space-blue.html Blue. The first signs that our landlord was less than worthy of our trust. The up side of this entry is, I can see that I WAS aware of my weight loss being an issue. Not only that I learned a damn good lesson about belief in my own beauty being the key to a fantastic body image, not the size of my thighs. I also managed to wrap it up in an empowering package of words and deliver it to my sisters! I loved this post, I am darn proud of having voiced this to the world. (BIG GRIN)
And to round off all the colours here is November 8th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-8-sacred-space-red.html Red. Passion. I am a passionate womyn. I see as I read this entry how hard I was working to deal with all the passion, across the spectrum. I want to go back to that time, take myself in my arms and hold me, caress my skin, my skin that so longs for slow mindful touch. From this entry:
“This is passion, this is the red, it is the stillness attained amongst the worlds emotional chaos while staying open to it full glory. This is the place is I am living towards.”
November 12th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-sacred-space-dry-kindling.html Wow, I am beginning to feel like I am closing the gap between past and present. This entry lets the world know Kelly and Chris have decided to split. Kelly is so great, I really love her. She threw herself into her art when they went their separate ways, and her art work SOARED! I also address in this entry the fundamental issue with which Michael and I go round and round and round. It is funny, I have been heard often saying how “I hate words”. Truth is I LOVE words, look at all the ones I have pieced together here on the blog. It is the dominance of words that I can’t stand. The imbalance that is created when words are not used to explain what is going on inside and instead are used as tools to navigate without embodiment or at its worst manipulate within a strategy. Non-violent Communication (NVC) distinguishes needs from strategies, which are specific plans to try to meet needs.... and then ironically comes up with a strategy to mitigate this. NVC has some amazing principles, it is when the words don’t match the body, then it ceases to be non violent because it lacks honesty. I don’t have the words to describe how mind fucked I have often felt this last year by words, words, words.
November 13th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-1-visual-creation-do-you-believe.html As I began to reconnect with visual art as a medium of expression in this 12 days commitment, I was also beginning to feel safe enough to come out about this curious transformation which was happening to my body, mind and spirit. I am still a little reluctant to talk about it, what I am experiencing is divine and scary. This entry tells of a day I spent with Richard. We listened to music and drew pictures together in Oso Negro, it was magical. It is funny to read about our friendship on the blog after having just spent 3 days together, we are kindred, that is for certain.
November 16th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html Stripping myself more and more naked. I am not sure when exactly this project became about absolute truth. I know Michael Sheely had a big part to play in it all. He taught me about truth and, as is my way, I took the torch and RAN. I really do feel much more at ease now about how truthful I am, at this time though in November it was really really hard. I remember the stress, how it tied my stomach in knots. The night I write about in this entry was a a real reckoning. It took going to the Royal scantily clad for 80’s night for me to really face myself, it was so intense. Did I mention it was full moon?
November 21st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-visual-creation-truth-about-truth.html I didn’t go to California this month. I went to stay at the Ashram across the lake instead. God I think about that time, I was a complete mess. And JUST beginning to understand that I was having an awakening. It was actually here at the ashram that I got my first clue. I read my words and see how on fire I was for the Divine. I have always been a God junkie, things were shifting though. I felt like I was literally coming out through my own shell, like I was a caterpillar on a journey. While I didn’t travel to California this time, I did journey, and it was only the beginning.
November 24th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-12-visual-creation-bucks-and-drivin.html He did it! Chris got a buck and we have been eating deer ever since. I know it has been part of what got me through the body “crisis” I was having. Having high quality, organic, local meat which is native to the environment I exist in is just what the medicine man ordered. I love Chris with all my heart. He is my King. Him becoming a lone hunter would have been hard had my life not been so full, we used to spend so much time together, missing him is made easier by distraction. I know we will be closer again soon, when the time is right. For now he just loves me up and supports me. We had a fight a few days ago, I see this as a healthy sign. We almost never fight anymore, it is good to know we can raise our passion for each other if we want to. It took us less than 10 minutes to be in each others arms apologizing for our role. I have spent 18 years with this man, half my life, and I am blessed beyond measure to be his Queen.
November 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/latest-commitment-just-breathe.html I committed to simply focusing on how I was breathing. Here is a little reminder from Alexi Murdoch. I tried sending him an email today but it didn’t work, maybe he will find this blog and email me back. I have a question I need to ask him about the song “12”.
Oh how this man moves my kundalini with his velvet voice, amazing talent and God speak lyrics.
November 28th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-just-breathe-love-like-that.html Poetry, love and a mantra which is repeated over and over again, as mantras are, in hopes of being heard...sigh.
December 1st http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-7-just-breathe-children-of-god.html As I wind down this entry with a knowing that I must do one more today, even if it takes until 4 in the morning like it did last night, that. I am feisty, committed and while flaky at times, can get the job done on time when art and God are the motivators. This entry is dedicated to a womyn who taught me about God. She is a Christian. I am for want of a better descriptor, a Pagan, a follower of the wheel of the year, the planet, the environment, the moon. While it may seem that we would not see eye to eye, it is her eyes I remember most, behind glasses, blue and beautiful. So filled with spirit, so on fire with the love of God. I love you Sister. Thank you for always believing in me, even at time when it tested your faith to its very limit. I am honoured to have been the one to take you there.
I love perfect endings. December 3rd http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/12/day-9-just-breathe-blankie.html I will end with this Hafiz poem. It is timely for me, helps me to reconnect with what is important, with how I want to be loved.
“Your love
Should never be offered
to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
~ Hafiz”
“What would you protect with your life?” is the question in 12 days journal #354
March 15, 2010
Day 3 On Time- Let's Talk
Fridays picture caused a stir.
Thank you, to all of you who commented, sent emails or simply thought about me. I know you are all concerned. I know the look on my face in the “before” shot one is happy and the other is not so much so. Know that these are captured moments with back story. In the first I am regarding my Rosy, my little creation, my walking, talking art exhibit born of my own body. She has a light that colours this world in a way no other could, and I am her mother...of course I look happy! In the other I am scrutinizing my iPhone, trying to make it work with the light AND coming to terms with my new body which is an active effort. I was happy in my life when the “before: shot was taken, I was sad sometimes too. I am happy now, and sometimes I am still sad. I am happy more often now than than I was when the “before” was taken, it may not look that way in these two moments, but they are not representative of my entire experience.
Here is a pic taken today. I have the same body (give or take 3 days) as the “after” shot. This picture was taken by Rosy. I asked her to be my photographer while I typed this entry. We are hanging out together this afternoon because she is on spring break. I am working to keep my daily commitment. We are working and playing together at Oso Negro. I was trying to see her behind the camera while she was taking shots, we were laughing, having fun. The picture was taken right before I accidentally put my hair in my mushroom soup. Look at my face...do I look happy?
Lets talk about my body.
I want to be really clear with everyone. I did not have an intention to lose this amount of weight. It is something that started happening 7 or 8 months ago. At first I was happy. I have struggled with body image issues my whole life, this should not be surprising given it is a cultural obsession. I was happy to loose a little weight, liked the way I was looking in my bathing suit, I am sure most of you womyn can relate to this. Then as the weight loss continued I began to get alarmed. I sought medical advice, fear of the unknown was driving a deep need for answers, I never found any, no definitive medical ones anyway.
This weight loss is a combination of many factors, one of these factors is stress. This blog has changed my life, it requires a crazy amount of dedication, this causes stress. My relationship with Michael, one I have no model for because it is completely out of the box, has been stressful. The blog and Michael have also changed my life in ways I never could have imagined, AMAZING positive way. I have a level of self love I did not have a year ago. This coupled with the reality of being this thin has forced a new relationship with my body, one that means being more mindful. My body pulls me into presence, “Feed me NOW!” it says and I listen, I have made it my priority. I ignored my body before, actually to be perfectly honest I HATED my body before. Through this experience I realized this hatred had NOTHING whatsoever to do with my body. It was merely a way of keeping alive stories that no longer served me, a way to run from self love. Loving myself, accepting the transformation both inside and out has brought such relief and ease.
I don’t have all the answers, I still have to live with the ambiguity of exactly why and what is causing this transformation. Trusting ambiguity is a huge lesson in faith, one I am thankful for.
I can not be the “before” shot so many of you seem to feel comfortable with. I am not that person any more. I am brand new, a scaled down version. I am new and this presents me with a choice of how I am going to think of myself.
This is my body RIGHT NOW, I can choose to judge it, continue the cycle of self violence by saying I need to be something other than what I am....or I can love it. I choose to love it. I accept that my body has changed and will change again, and again, and again, this is a certainty. I will take the lessons I have learned, apply this self love no matter what shape my body takes on. This is the gift.
Again, thank you all for your concern, for loving me. Oh and as I type this I am sharing a sandwich and soup with Rose. I am eating bread, cream and butter all at once, along with carrots, mushrooms, fish and peppers. I promise you I am taking care of myself, I am asking you to trust me.
“What lessons have you learned from your body?” is the question in 12 days journal #337
Thank you, to all of you who commented, sent emails or simply thought about me. I know you are all concerned. I know the look on my face in the “before” shot one is happy and the other is not so much so. Know that these are captured moments with back story. In the first I am regarding my Rosy, my little creation, my walking, talking art exhibit born of my own body. She has a light that colours this world in a way no other could, and I am her mother...of course I look happy! In the other I am scrutinizing my iPhone, trying to make it work with the light AND coming to terms with my new body which is an active effort. I was happy in my life when the “before: shot was taken, I was sad sometimes too. I am happy now, and sometimes I am still sad. I am happy more often now than than I was when the “before” was taken, it may not look that way in these two moments, but they are not representative of my entire experience.
Here is a pic taken today. I have the same body (give or take 3 days) as the “after” shot. This picture was taken by Rosy. I asked her to be my photographer while I typed this entry. We are hanging out together this afternoon because she is on spring break. I am working to keep my daily commitment. We are working and playing together at Oso Negro. I was trying to see her behind the camera while she was taking shots, we were laughing, having fun. The picture was taken right before I accidentally put my hair in my mushroom soup. Look at my face...do I look happy?
Lets talk about my body.
I want to be really clear with everyone. I did not have an intention to lose this amount of weight. It is something that started happening 7 or 8 months ago. At first I was happy. I have struggled with body image issues my whole life, this should not be surprising given it is a cultural obsession. I was happy to loose a little weight, liked the way I was looking in my bathing suit, I am sure most of you womyn can relate to this. Then as the weight loss continued I began to get alarmed. I sought medical advice, fear of the unknown was driving a deep need for answers, I never found any, no definitive medical ones anyway.
This weight loss is a combination of many factors, one of these factors is stress. This blog has changed my life, it requires a crazy amount of dedication, this causes stress. My relationship with Michael, one I have no model for because it is completely out of the box, has been stressful. The blog and Michael have also changed my life in ways I never could have imagined, AMAZING positive way. I have a level of self love I did not have a year ago. This coupled with the reality of being this thin has forced a new relationship with my body, one that means being more mindful. My body pulls me into presence, “Feed me NOW!” it says and I listen, I have made it my priority. I ignored my body before, actually to be perfectly honest I HATED my body before. Through this experience I realized this hatred had NOTHING whatsoever to do with my body. It was merely a way of keeping alive stories that no longer served me, a way to run from self love. Loving myself, accepting the transformation both inside and out has brought such relief and ease.
I don’t have all the answers, I still have to live with the ambiguity of exactly why and what is causing this transformation. Trusting ambiguity is a huge lesson in faith, one I am thankful for.
I can not be the “before” shot so many of you seem to feel comfortable with. I am not that person any more. I am brand new, a scaled down version. I am new and this presents me with a choice of how I am going to think of myself.
This is my body RIGHT NOW, I can choose to judge it, continue the cycle of self violence by saying I need to be something other than what I am....or I can love it. I choose to love it. I accept that my body has changed and will change again, and again, and again, this is a certainty. I will take the lessons I have learned, apply this self love no matter what shape my body takes on. This is the gift.
Again, thank you all for your concern, for loving me. Oh and as I type this I am sharing a sandwich and soup with Rose. I am eating bread, cream and butter all at once, along with carrots, mushrooms, fish and peppers. I promise you I am taking care of myself, I am asking you to trust me.
“What lessons have you learned from your body?” is the question in 12 days journal #337
March 7, 2010
Day 7 Lovin Nelson- Valuable Treasures
Give a kid a break! A beautiful little boy just came up to me while I was editing and offered to sell me a magnet, his friend and he had just made them. He then came down to Oso Negro to sell them. It takes courage to do the cold call thing, to walk up to adults and ask if they want to buy something that was just created. The part I don’t get is, he is only asking asking a dollar each, the room is filled with people drinking 3 dollar coffees and not one person bought one? He steeled himself going from table to table dealing with the “no thanks you’s”. It is not easy being a child in our culture. Kids are generally not seen during the day, they are institutionalized from breakfast till just before dinner. When I am out with my children one of the first questions which is often asked is “Why are you not in school?”. For anyone who has travelled elsewhere you probably saw how in many other cultures children are much more integrated. They go to work with their parents, they take care of each other while playing out in the streets. Kids are seen and heard all the time. They are dispersed within the community.
I want to live more in community. I do live in A community, even a tightly knit, caring community. What I really want though is to no longer live in a house with a yard, next to another house with a yard. I want community gardens, community art projects, space to be alone, space to be together, easy access to everything I need in a comfortable setting with friends all around me. And I want kids, lots of kids, to help out, to experience learning outside of a classroom. I want my children and the children around me to feel honoured and valued, I want them to know that their home-made valentines magnets are worth as much to me as a cup of coffee.
(picture of my new magnet, and that there is Oso Negro in the background, this is the view from my “office”)
I got this little gem for 2 dollars and 50 cents, same price I paid for my cappuccino. I think I got a hell of a deal.
“How do children show up in your daily life?” is the question in 12 days journal #329
I want to live more in community. I do live in A community, even a tightly knit, caring community. What I really want though is to no longer live in a house with a yard, next to another house with a yard. I want community gardens, community art projects, space to be alone, space to be together, easy access to everything I need in a comfortable setting with friends all around me. And I want kids, lots of kids, to help out, to experience learning outside of a classroom. I want my children and the children around me to feel honoured and valued, I want them to know that their home-made valentines magnets are worth as much to me as a cup of coffee.
(picture of my new magnet, and that there is Oso Negro in the background, this is the view from my “office”)
I got this little gem for 2 dollars and 50 cents, same price I paid for my cappuccino. I think I got a hell of a deal.
“How do children show up in your daily life?” is the question in 12 days journal #329
February 5, 2010
Day 1 Decision Time- Here a Blog, There a Blog...
I’m back!
Having Michael write my blog was so great for many reasons. I got a break number one...PHEW! Then there was watching him day after day pouring over his words, changing little fragments, being so careful. Seeing how commitment he was to doing it. You may have noticed he was much more timely with his entries than I have been lately! Then there was the content, what a beautiful man! What an honest man... day 2 was a little hard for me at first, he was just so honest, talking about getting me healthy again and having a baby...wow. There was also the part where he got to learn the in’s and out’s of blogging. I got to experience first hand the creation process as well as guiding him through the techie side of things, theses words you read on the screen, are but one part of blogging.
While Michael was writing I took the opportunity to take my computer into our local Mac store, Digerati. I met Ben there, or perhaps I could call him the “Mac Daddy”. He was fun and helpful, cleaned up my filthy machine (really, it was just gross!) and did some internal work as well, got my machine up from turtle speed to possum... I really need a new computer but right now it is not going to happen so he patched me up and sent me on my way for next to nothing.
When I was leaving he asked if I would be interested in teaching a workshop on blogging. I had never considered this idea until now. Hell ya I will teach a workshop! I have learned a lot about blogging by simply doing it every day for nearly a year, how to flog (an English term which means to sell) the blog, how to create something that brings people to the site, how to track progress of certain entries and events. I never quite followed all of what I learned about blogging, as you can see I STILL write really long posts which is a blogging non-no but then this is a lesson in and of its self. Nothing is set in stone, there are always going to be guidelines and there are always going to be the ones you don’t follow and sometimes this creates a whole new guideline.
Blogs are an amazing tool. They are grass roots news. They are a way in which a person like me, a 36 year old womyn from Canada, can have my story broadcast and read. I never imagined my following would get so big...I fantasized about it before I really knew what I was asking for, I didn’t really imagine this would happen, seems I forgot what a fantastic manifester I am! It is still amazing to me that so many want to know what I have to say, that you are reading this right now. Blogging...wow. I WILL teach a workshop on it soon, and don’t you worry, when I do you will know it because being a full time blogger has certainly taught me how to use facebook to its full advantage to flog just about anything! Ah...the internet...imagine the world without it.
Speaking of blogs...one of the reasons Michael did my blog was a test run for blogging. If you enjoyed reading his work, click here and go check his blog out.
And thank you Baby, for the break, for what you wrote, for being in my life, for being you.
(Michael writing in Oso, I believe this was Day 11 of Michael Land)
“What do you teach?” is the question in 12 days journal #299
Having Michael write my blog was so great for many reasons. I got a break number one...PHEW! Then there was watching him day after day pouring over his words, changing little fragments, being so careful. Seeing how commitment he was to doing it. You may have noticed he was much more timely with his entries than I have been lately! Then there was the content, what a beautiful man! What an honest man... day 2 was a little hard for me at first, he was just so honest, talking about getting me healthy again and having a baby...wow. There was also the part where he got to learn the in’s and out’s of blogging. I got to experience first hand the creation process as well as guiding him through the techie side of things, theses words you read on the screen, are but one part of blogging.
While Michael was writing I took the opportunity to take my computer into our local Mac store, Digerati. I met Ben there, or perhaps I could call him the “Mac Daddy”. He was fun and helpful, cleaned up my filthy machine (really, it was just gross!) and did some internal work as well, got my machine up from turtle speed to possum... I really need a new computer but right now it is not going to happen so he patched me up and sent me on my way for next to nothing.
When I was leaving he asked if I would be interested in teaching a workshop on blogging. I had never considered this idea until now. Hell ya I will teach a workshop! I have learned a lot about blogging by simply doing it every day for nearly a year, how to flog (an English term which means to sell) the blog, how to create something that brings people to the site, how to track progress of certain entries and events. I never quite followed all of what I learned about blogging, as you can see I STILL write really long posts which is a blogging non-no but then this is a lesson in and of its self. Nothing is set in stone, there are always going to be guidelines and there are always going to be the ones you don’t follow and sometimes this creates a whole new guideline.
Blogs are an amazing tool. They are grass roots news. They are a way in which a person like me, a 36 year old womyn from Canada, can have my story broadcast and read. I never imagined my following would get so big...I fantasized about it before I really knew what I was asking for, I didn’t really imagine this would happen, seems I forgot what a fantastic manifester I am! It is still amazing to me that so many want to know what I have to say, that you are reading this right now. Blogging...wow. I WILL teach a workshop on it soon, and don’t you worry, when I do you will know it because being a full time blogger has certainly taught me how to use facebook to its full advantage to flog just about anything! Ah...the internet...imagine the world without it.
Speaking of blogs...one of the reasons Michael did my blog was a test run for blogging. If you enjoyed reading his work, click here and go check his blog out.
And thank you Baby, for the break, for what you wrote, for being in my life, for being you.
(Michael writing in Oso, I believe this was Day 11 of Michael Land)
“What do you teach?” is the question in 12 days journal #299
December 14, 2009
Day 8 Twelve of Twelve- KC/DC
“On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...
Eight Maids A-milking“
We have joined forces with another dancer and a couple dj’s to form the Kootenay Conscious Dance Collective, also known as KC/DC...how cool an acronym is that? I don’t have a lot more to tell you except that we are all pretty excited to get the conscious dance community here in Nelson in full swing. We have had two meetings, both at Oso Negro coffee shop, vortex of Nelson social web. I had a cappuccino one of those times. Cappuccino is made with 1/3 espresso, 1/3 foam and 1/3 milk. I have no idea if it was a maid that milked the cow but I am willing to say so for the sake of today's commitment. I know...brutal, it is as though my commitment is actually to non-commitment at the moment.
“What do you drink?” is the slightly odd, yet I imagine interesting, question in 12 days journal #246
Eight Maids A-milking“
We have joined forces with another dancer and a couple dj’s to form the Kootenay Conscious Dance Collective, also known as KC/DC...how cool an acronym is that? I don’t have a lot more to tell you except that we are all pretty excited to get the conscious dance community here in Nelson in full swing. We have had two meetings, both at Oso Negro coffee shop, vortex of Nelson social web. I had a cappuccino one of those times. Cappuccino is made with 1/3 espresso, 1/3 foam and 1/3 milk. I have no idea if it was a maid that milked the cow but I am willing to say so for the sake of today's commitment. I know...brutal, it is as though my commitment is actually to non-commitment at the moment.
“What do you drink?” is the slightly odd, yet I imagine interesting, question in 12 days journal #246
October 2, 2009
Day 7 Sans Coffee- Coffee
I writing in my back corner here at Oso, the coffee smells so good...just 5 more days...sigh. I was wondering about being addicted. I mean I haven’t had any headaches, no cravings when I am not actually around the stuff, I don’t know that I am addicted. It is the taste I miss, the sweet creamy foam on the top of a cappuccino.....argh...maybe I am addicted....5 more days.
I wrote the following about a month ago, then some big inspiration swooped in, I wrote a second post and submitted that one instead. I am posting this today in honour of my love for Oso Negro coffee...my long lost friend. I am posting it also partly due to laziness. If I could have coffee maybe I could muster the inspiration for something original? Anyway.....
“I am sitting in Oso, wondering what to talk about, or should I say what to write about, talking at Oso is never a problem. I write here often, I have a protocol for being left alone, which works sometimes and not others. My favourite table in Oso Negro is the big back table in the Northwest corner. I can watch the town come and go from this spot, tucked away. If I wear my headphones, which usually don’t even have music playing through them, people stay away. From here I can write, watch, drink coffee; many of the entries you have read have been produced in exactly this fashion. A lot of the time though, I don’t want people to stay away. Nelson is a fabulous town, sure it has its glaring holes and rough edges, but all in all it is a wonderfully inspiring place to live, and it is the people who make it so. This little spot in Nelson where I often write, really is the centre of the universe, mine anyway. If I sit here long enough a member of my family will eventually walk in, there is always a member of my extended chosen family here, and there is no shortage of exceptional and usually fairly quirky folk around to talk to. There is generally a line out the door for coffee, this place can get very loud! Which brings me to the coffee. I know I may not win friends with this comment but I feel that I must honestly state that Oso Negro (which is Latin for Black Bear by the way) has the best coffee there is. I feel confident saying so since I have sampled coffee the world over, or close enough. Everyone who works here is very well trained, I believe you have to work here 6 months before you are even allowed to touch the espresso machine. My friend Dana, who was a barista elsewhere before moving to Nelson, has been working here at least 4 months, I have yet to see her pull a coffee. Yes I love coffee, and I love Oso, and I love Nelson”
“What is amazing about where you live?“ is the question in 12 days journal#173
I wrote the following about a month ago, then some big inspiration swooped in, I wrote a second post and submitted that one instead. I am posting this today in honour of my love for Oso Negro coffee...my long lost friend. I am posting it also partly due to laziness. If I could have coffee maybe I could muster the inspiration for something original? Anyway.....
“I am sitting in Oso, wondering what to talk about, or should I say what to write about, talking at Oso is never a problem. I write here often, I have a protocol for being left alone, which works sometimes and not others. My favourite table in Oso Negro is the big back table in the Northwest corner. I can watch the town come and go from this spot, tucked away. If I wear my headphones, which usually don’t even have music playing through them, people stay away. From here I can write, watch, drink coffee; many of the entries you have read have been produced in exactly this fashion. A lot of the time though, I don’t want people to stay away. Nelson is a fabulous town, sure it has its glaring holes and rough edges, but all in all it is a wonderfully inspiring place to live, and it is the people who make it so. This little spot in Nelson where I often write, really is the centre of the universe, mine anyway. If I sit here long enough a member of my family will eventually walk in, there is always a member of my extended chosen family here, and there is no shortage of exceptional and usually fairly quirky folk around to talk to. There is generally a line out the door for coffee, this place can get very loud! Which brings me to the coffee. I know I may not win friends with this comment but I feel that I must honestly state that Oso Negro (which is Latin for Black Bear by the way) has the best coffee there is. I feel confident saying so since I have sampled coffee the world over, or close enough. Everyone who works here is very well trained, I believe you have to work here 6 months before you are even allowed to touch the espresso machine. My friend Dana, who was a barista elsewhere before moving to Nelson, has been working here at least 4 months, I have yet to see her pull a coffee. Yes I love coffee, and I love Oso, and I love Nelson”
“What is amazing about where you live?“ is the question in 12 days journal#173
August 24, 2009
Day 4 Time Off- Cloning?
As I sit here in Oso Negro, I still have not made a single journal. After spending time talking to many people in my life, arranging schedules and trying to get everything done, I wonder, why do I feel pulled in so many directions? I LOVE my life, my family, my friends, my work, my art, my dance all of it, and yet I often joke about having a clone, and am not completely joking. I feel like there is not enough of me.
“How do you achieve balance between all the responsibilities and desires in your life?“ is the question in 12 days journal #133
“How do you achieve balance between all the responsibilities and desires in your life?“ is the question in 12 days journal #133
April 22, 2009
Day 12 Pulpit Rock-Beauty!
I had plans of how today would go. It is the final day of the first bona fide commitment. My youngest had different ideas though. Her dad is leaving for 5 days and there was no way she was going to school this morning. We bargained, we attempted to bribe but she wouldn’t budge. So the plans changed, and am I ever glad they did. After a breakfast bun and a cappuccino, the official breakfast of the Pulpit Rock commitment, the three of us headed to the trail head. Right at the bottom we saw Bob! The man who had returned 3 journals to me thinking they were lost. He told me he had been looking for more every time he went up. I also found out he collects any garbage he finds on his almost daily hikes. It is nice to know that when I go back to only visiting Pulpit occasionally that Bob will still be around cleaning up and taking care. My goal for today was to savour this last hike. My little Rose facilitated this. It was not that she was slow, she had me running a number of times. It was how she saw the trail, she looked forward to different mile stones than I did. The “painted rock”, the rope assist to get up the steep parts, “the place where the dogs had a fight last time“. She had a different perspective, I think this coupled with the pangs of sadness at this being my last day, had me seeing all the incredible beauty. There were scads of yellow glacier lilies. They carpeted the ground at the top. On my first hike up I saw 1, barely in bloom. What a difference 12 days makes. Then there was my beautiful family, the view of my beautiful home town, all the beautiful people who came up the trail, I was overwhelmed by it all. Most of all it was my baby girl’s smile, her beauty shines from deep inside her being. 12 days journal #9 read ”Tell me about something you think is beautiful“ I wrote about the authenticity of a smile, beauty like no other.
I can feel this experiment really taking hold. Tomorrow I get to release my newest commitment. This week I will begin to come out to my friends, and family about what I am doing. In a little kudos from the powers that be I got my first email today. It was from one of only 5 people who know about this experiment. He found 12 days journal #2 sitting on a bench outside a local cafe. He wrote in it and left it for the next person. Thank you friend for letting me know, it made my day :o*
I can feel this experiment really taking hold. Tomorrow I get to release my newest commitment. This week I will begin to come out to my friends, and family about what I am doing. In a little kudos from the powers that be I got my first email today. It was from one of only 5 people who know about this experiment. He found 12 days journal #2 sitting on a bench outside a local cafe. He wrote in it and left it for the next person. Thank you friend for letting me know, it made my day :o*
April 17, 2009
Day 7 Pulpit Rock- Herb girls!
At this point in the experiment there are only 4 official 12 days journals out there in the world. At some point today I had all four in my hands. #1 and #2 were back with me because of the valiant Bob tracking me down and returning them. I left 12 days journal #1 in Oso Negro. I figured that since most days it has been part of my Pulpit Rock ritual to stop there for coffee, that it seemed fitting. I left 12 days journal #4 up at Pulpit Rock along with 12 days journal #2 which makes this its second time up. I thought all were free and roaming, when I got another call from Bob. Bob caught another journal, 12 days journal #3, and wanted to give it back to me. I imagine Bob might think I am a little crazy and forgetful. I explained that I was doing an experiment, and that if he found another he could leave it up there. See Bob is quite a bit older than me, of another generation, and what I realized today was, he would never be so rude as to read any more of the book than necessary to get it back to me. I am such a curious creature it would never occurred to me NOT to read anything that was right out there in plain sight! He kept assuring me he had not read any of it and when I asked him that if he saw another book to please write in it...well again he just gave me a look as though I might be a couple coconuts short of a load, but of course with a nice big grin. Thanks again Bob, you are wonderful. With 12 days journal #3 in hand, I was walking downtown. I saw a newspaper box and on an impulse put it inside. I am not sure why.
It was a coldish walk up Pulpit, but I had lots of company to keep me talking which keeps me warm. Two six year old girls joined Chris and I and they brought their dog along. They chatted all the way up, stopping only now and then to catch their breath or get pebbles out of a shoe. They marvelled at the tiny streams which appeared out of nowhere, drank with wet grins, exclaiming how good the water tasted. Collecting treasures, a square rock, a four leaf clover, a ball of old mans beard, they happily made their way along the trail. Right before the top they begun to run ahead, so excited for the view. Standing atop the highest rock, which made me a little queasy, they rested fists on hips and smiled. Confidence and self esteem oozed out their pores, mixed with sweat they had earned with their perseverance. There is nothing that will take a child further in this world than a belief in their own abilities, of this I am certain. This feeling, this knowing, this being, is what I want for every child on this planet...and all it took was going up a mountain. Simple, attainable, enjoyable. I am planning a picnic with my whole family this weekend.....I want more of this kind of joy!
12 days journal #4 was left at the rock with the question, “What are your hopes for your children and/ or the children of the world“. I am finding that letting the journals go is always a little hard. Like children, I want to protect them, worry harm might come to them, that they may never return! But it is of course by setting them free that they are able to blossom....I will see you soon little journal...maybe even tomorrow if Bob finds you!
It was a coldish walk up Pulpit, but I had lots of company to keep me talking which keeps me warm. Two six year old girls joined Chris and I and they brought their dog along. They chatted all the way up, stopping only now and then to catch their breath or get pebbles out of a shoe. They marvelled at the tiny streams which appeared out of nowhere, drank with wet grins, exclaiming how good the water tasted. Collecting treasures, a square rock, a four leaf clover, a ball of old mans beard, they happily made their way along the trail. Right before the top they begun to run ahead, so excited for the view. Standing atop the highest rock, which made me a little queasy, they rested fists on hips and smiled. Confidence and self esteem oozed out their pores, mixed with sweat they had earned with their perseverance. There is nothing that will take a child further in this world than a belief in their own abilities, of this I am certain. This feeling, this knowing, this being, is what I want for every child on this planet...and all it took was going up a mountain. Simple, attainable, enjoyable. I am planning a picnic with my whole family this weekend.....I want more of this kind of joy!
12 days journal #4 was left at the rock with the question, “What are your hopes for your children and/ or the children of the world“. I am finding that letting the journals go is always a little hard. Like children, I want to protect them, worry harm might come to them, that they may never return! But it is of course by setting them free that they are able to blossom....I will see you soon little journal...maybe even tomorrow if Bob finds you!
April 9, 2009
Day 11 Cleanse- Conception
Today while sitting in Oso Negro, I came up with an idea for an experiment. A wonderful fun experiment!
My husband and I are doing a 12 day cleanse. Yesterday I was thinking about how I have not exercised since we started. I don’t like this. A group of womyn from school were talking about hiking up to pulpit rock every Tuesday. This got me thinking about a cleanse of another kind, one where I could eat chocolate and drink cappuccino with impunity! How about a sweat cleanse, sweat hard for 12 days. Why not go up pulpit rock everyday for 12 days? And so it was decided we would do another 12 days of something new. We were unsure when to start. Maybe Saturday...no no too early, we will just be done the cleanse. Tuesday? The kids will be in school again, but that is to far away. We didn’t settle on a particular day, but commited to do it.
Later in Oso I got a brilliant idea. Why not choose a new 12 day ritual every 12 days for 12 months. It could be anything! Whatever emerges, whatever seems pertinent at the time, whatever would (theoretically) work with my schedule. It could be something big like silence for 12 days, or little like committing to floss for 12 days (I know I should be doing it daily anyway). The real story would be in not what I chose but what emerged from the ritual. So today is the first day...well technically it is the 11th day, of the first 12 day ritual which is a 12 day Wild Rose Cleanse. Tomorrow we finish the cleanse. On Saturday we climb pulpit rock for the first of 12 days. What a score!
My husband and I are doing a 12 day cleanse. Yesterday I was thinking about how I have not exercised since we started. I don’t like this. A group of womyn from school were talking about hiking up to pulpit rock every Tuesday. This got me thinking about a cleanse of another kind, one where I could eat chocolate and drink cappuccino with impunity! How about a sweat cleanse, sweat hard for 12 days. Why not go up pulpit rock everyday for 12 days? And so it was decided we would do another 12 days of something new. We were unsure when to start. Maybe Saturday...no no too early, we will just be done the cleanse. Tuesday? The kids will be in school again, but that is to far away. We didn’t settle on a particular day, but commited to do it.
Later in Oso I got a brilliant idea. Why not choose a new 12 day ritual every 12 days for 12 months. It could be anything! Whatever emerges, whatever seems pertinent at the time, whatever would (theoretically) work with my schedule. It could be something big like silence for 12 days, or little like committing to floss for 12 days (I know I should be doing it daily anyway). The real story would be in not what I chose but what emerged from the ritual. So today is the first day...well technically it is the 11th day, of the first 12 day ritual which is a 12 day Wild Rose Cleanse. Tomorrow we finish the cleanse. On Saturday we climb pulpit rock for the first of 12 days. What a score!
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