Day 4 Final Commitment- Hard to Stomach

I admit it, I read ahead a tiny bit yesterday. I started my morning with this post from July 7th. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4-body-of-water-moonlight.html Michael and I walking in the moonlight to go swimming in a mountain lake. It was a beautiful romantic night, I remember it well.

Then on July 9th I got bold and told you all that Michael was moving to Nelson to start a family. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-6-body-of-water-family.html You know I wasn’t as sneaky as I thought I was, I was still pretty out there at this point. I can tell I was feeling confident.

I found this picture in the July10th entry. I remember this Bernice, she was happy and robust. In this entry http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-7-body-of-water-crossing-water.html I talk about my body, how I can judge it and be unkind. At this point it would have been that I was unkind to myself believing I was too big, how ironic is that? I think I look beautiful in this picture. I think I second guessed this Bernice less than I do the Bernice I am these last few days.


Here on July 11th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-8-body-of-water-transparency.html was the day Lily, Chris and Kelly met Michael. What a crazy crazy day that was. I wouldn’t change this day, it was perfect, but I can tell you the way Michael and Lily met was very very hard on my little Lily. I still experience guilt over it.

By July 15 http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-12-body-of-water-surprise.html Michael and I were now road tripping in the United States. Michael was originally going to drop me at the Seattle airport but instead he ended up driving me to school in California. I remember this evening very well, we stopped on the side of the road near Mt. Shasta to eat. Something changed that night, deepened. We ate corncakes kale and butter at a deserted burger joint on the I-5 and fell deeper in love. It was a magical night.

The irony is just way to thick for me to stomach, perhaps this is what is causing my stomach flu. Here on July 16 http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/latest-commitment-communication-skills.html I committed to 12 days of learning and using better communication skills. I don’t even know what to say about this, I really did work at this, during this commitment and nearly every day since. Clear communication really is one of the most important things in my life... sigh.

AND as I move on to July 18th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-3-communicate-3-level-check.html I see I know so much about communication, so why do I doubt myself? Why DO I doubt myself so much more now?

My heart aches to see the words written so long ago, July 20th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-5-communicate-more-mary.html My wisdom and insight are evident. Again I wonder where my faith in myself has gone today.

Hmmm as I read I notice something very interesting. I glossed over our arrival home. Michael and I arriving as a couple in my hometown, to live with my family...and I don’t even mention it on the blog? I must have been experiencing serious cognitive dissonance at this point. Here I was coming home, with my new partner, knowing that coming out as polyamorous was inevitable. Holy Cow. I am brave, and a little nuts.

July 25th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-10-communicate-big-love-crumbs.html Sigh. This post is all me. The me I love.

On July 28th I set a commitment to write creatively and share it on the blog. If I look at this decision honestly I would say I was doing it for a couple of reasons. First to give myself the room to be creative, at this point I was very deep into my relationship with Michael and its effects on my family life were HUGE, in both positive and trying ways. I needed a forced excuse to create art. Second, I was hiding. I still had not been explicit with you all about the nature of our relationship and it was really wearing on me, I found a way to hide a little longer. I did do some great writing though! http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-1-creative-words-bracketed.html This poem is as true now as it was then, over 9 months ago.

Ah yes as I read I become aware that I am travelling with Michael, Ayla and Rosy to Alberta to get Lily and visit Michael's sister. I know this because the inspiration for this poem http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/07/day-4-creative-words-in-me.html on July 31st, was a bathroom in Crowsnest Pass in Alberta. I was definitely hiding from you all. Sorry about that. The poetry I was putting out was rich though...you know how long it has been since I was inspired to write something like this?!

August 2nd. Yikes. This was a challenging time. A time when I saw cracks beginning to form. By this time we had picked up Lily, and she was having a really rough go. Oh my sweet Lily Rain, I love you so much baby. http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-6-creative-words-struggle.html

Or maybe I wasn’t hiding the bad times as well as I thought I was August 4th http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-8-creative-words-possibilities.html My struggles were leaking. I remember this being about the time people began to reach out to me.... Thank you.

Finally! In today's last entry to be read, August 5th, http://12days2inspire.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-9-creative-words-hands-arms-and.html
I read some truth! I can’t believe how much I was hiding. In this entry I feel the push, I feel my need to be seen. I am not sure when “Day 40”, the post where I came out as being polyamorous happened, but I have a feeling it is coming soon. I had yet to be truthful about Michael but in this entry I am at least truthful about Chris. My loving amazing husband, God we have been through so much together. I didn’t write about him a whole lot on the blog. Our lives took separate paths this year. It is not usually this way you know... we have been best friends for years, 17 years. We needed some time apart. Don’t confuse this with being out of love. I love that man with my entire being, and I know he loves me. I am so happy to have ended on a post about him today, even if it was about us fighting. Your presence will help me find a clearer perspective today Chrissy. Thank you. I love you.

“Do you believe in yourself?” is the question in 12 days journal #350

Day 12 Meditation- To All Those I Love

I have had a few people contact me inquiring about Chris, or more specifically about Chris and Kelly.

This blog depicts a sliver of my life. Any daily entry deals with how I was feeling in the moment when I had the experience I am writing about, this gets combined with where I am at emotionally and mentally while I am writing. Sometimes it isn’t about an experience at all but an idea or musing. I can imagine that it is often interpreted that what I write must be the most pertinent or important part of that day, but this is not always true. A lot of times my subject matter is determined by the specific moments I decide (or get a chance to) sit down and write, I don’t often pre plan entries, I go with what percolates to the top of my consciousness. You might read something that by the time it is published is no longer the way I look at things. This blog is but a sliver. I have not written about Kelly and Chris for a while, not because it is not important, it is just the way things have turned out. There is also the fact that I don’t really know what is going on with them outside of what I hear in passing from them both. I know Chris is taking space to get better and Kelly is taking space...period. I work really hard to keep my writing very careful, to not extrapolate or say what others did or how they feel, and I screw up plenty. It is sometimes hard for me to know when I am projecting, it is the nature of projection after all. My intention is to be very careful, which has meant in the case of Chris and Kelly that I have stayed away from discussing their relationship here on the blog. This in no way detracts from my gratitude for what Kelly has brought into our family or how she is a part of it no matter what level her relationship with Raabis is on.

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(Chris and Kelly, taken at Diversity this summer, the same weekend Kelly, Chris and Lily first met Michael)

This blog and the commitment which drives it has changed my life in ways I never imagined. It didn’t start out as a vehicle for truth and transparency but it sure ended up that way. I never expected to have my level and quality of transparency called into question, I mean I understand it, I just didn’t see it coming. It has been challenging to vulnerably put so much of myself out into the world and then hear that some people are hurt by what they read, that they question my intention. My intention was to get as close as I could to finding my truth intermingled with the truth of others, all the while being sensitive. Even then, even when I have worked to be careful people still get hurt. I know Michael has had to deal with this a lot, we have had more than one argument which stemmed from a blog entry! I have heard through the grapevine, a grapevine which I generally don’t participate in because when I do I start editing myself, that there are others out there who are upset by my choice to tell my truth. I am not sure what to say about this.

“I am sorry”?

“I understand why this is hard”?

“I hear that you are upset“?

What I can say for certain is I will continue to do my best to speak truth while being careful. This is important to me, I really do believe in what I am doing here. To some who know me this may seem hypocritical or deluded, you may see things in me that seem so God damn obvious and wonder “Why doesn’t she write about THAT if truth is so important?!”. The answer is likely that I don’t see it...yet, or that I am afraid. I want you all to know I really am doing my best, that if you feel hurt by this blog or I seem to be missing the mark, that this is not my intention. My goal is for my intention, which is liberation through as much truth and awareness as I can muster, to shine through. I do this with an even larger intention of bringing joy, ease, and celebration into this beautiful world. I am not asking anyone to like what I am doing here, just to remember that I love you, you who is reading this sentence....I love YOU. The rest we can sort out when we are both ready.

“Is there a loved one in your life who was hurt by your actions, despite this not being your intention?” is the question in 12 day journal #286